Am I taking a really extreme step?

[jaadugar]

Alright, I am starting a thread after a long time and this time it’s my personal matter.
I have been married for seven years and have two beautiful children. It was a total arranged marriage (what a joke!) that took place in Pakistan and I barely knew the girl before the marriage. I frequently talked to her on the phone during the time between our engagement and the marriage. Today, I can testify that talking on the phone is no where closer to talking (seeing) in person. I thought I had known her quite a bit before the marriage but I was totally wrong. Even though she had done her masters but she lacked her general knowledge big time. We had totally two different mind sets.
Anyway, I have always thought that things would improve and she would get better with time. She has improved a bit but not at the rate an average person would have done it. She still spells color as kalar
I added her name into my bank account as a joint owner right after she came to US. I have taken her to vacations at NYC, Canada, Vegas, San Diego, Bahamas, Hawaii, Alaska Cruise etc. She learned driving fast and I bought her own car right away. As far as I know she was not deprived of anything she wanted to do. Alhamdulillah I am very hard working and am blessed, so money has never been an issue. I let her open a separate bank account where she could keep her savings even though she doesn’t work at all. I have also bought a house on her name alone (no mortgage) and she collects a decent rent from it. Rent money goes to her personal account. The house we live in is masha Allah big. She has 2 cars for herself including a brand new SUV. She has made two trips 2 Pakistan during past 6 years and went home loaded with gifts for her family.
One big problem she has is getting mad on such trivial things and when she gets mad she stops talking to me. That really pisses me off. I try to talk to her but she doesn’t respond. Being a full-time house maker, she stops cooking or doing any other household thing for me.
In the past three weeks, she told me a couple of times that she wanted to go to Pakistan but she had to see whether she could afford tickets or not. I looked at her face and asked why would that be a problem? She said, “I don’t know if you have any money for me or not”? I told her that money would not be a problem so she could go anytime she wanted to. Last Monday, she told me that she was going to go purchase her and kids’ tickets. I said, “but lets discuss first about how long you are going and also whether I should also go with you or not”. That is all… She stopped talking to me, stopped cooking food etc. I must say that I am used to the fact that she always cooked food and served me. I have tried to talk to her a couple of times but no response. I am going bunkers now. She doesn’t listen to anybody from her family either so there is not point in talking to anybody.

I feel like ending this relationship altogether… In fact I have just filled in a petition for legal separation.

Am I taking a really extreme step? I can’t take it any more though.

[tammy8604]

Re: Am I taking a really extreme step?

Marriage counselor?

[NaMaan]

In my opinion you judged it correctly . Right now you are angry and annoyed . Whenever we are in a situation that bothers us , the very first thing we do is to try to get out of it . Its human nature . But mashaAllah you are very well educated and successful person . You know that decisions in life are connected . One bad decision can lead to another . Future of your daughters is connected with it and also peace of your mind .

In my opinion this is time for patience and taking steps with wisdom . Please keep on trying to communicate with bahbi and inshaAllah she will talk to you . There must be something more to it . Try to discover that . See what is bothering her .

May Allah give you and her patience and wisdom to solve this issue . Ameen.

[Sara516]

Alright, I am starting a thread after a long time and this time it's my personal matter. I have been married for seven years and have two beautiful children. It was a total arranged marriage (what a joke!) that took place in Pakistan and I barely knew the girl before the marriage. I frequently talked to her on the phone during the time between our engagement and the marriage. Today, I can testify that talking on the phone is no where closer to talking (seeing) in person. I thought I had known her quite a bit before the marriage but I was totally wrong. Even though she had done her masters but she lacked her general knowlege big time. We had totally two different mind sets. Anyway, I have always thought that things would improve and she would get better with time. She has imroved a bit but not at the rate an average person would have done it. She still spells color as kalar :) I added her name into my bank account as a joint owner right after she came to US. I have taken her to vacations at NYC, Canada, Vegas, San Diego, Bahamas, Hawaii, Alaska Cruise etc. She learnt driving fast and I bought her own car right away. As far as I know she was not deprived of anything she wanted to do. Alhamdulillah I am very hard working and am blessed, so money has never been an issue. I let her open a seperate bank account where she could keep her savings even though she doesn't work at all. I have also bought a house on her name alone (no mertgage) and she collects a decent rent from it. Rent money goes to her personal account. The house we live in is masha Allah big. She has 2 cars for herself including a brand new SUV. She has made two trips 2 Pakistan during past 6 years and went home loaded with gifts for her family. One big problem she has is getting mad on such trival things and when she gets mad she stops talking to me. That really pisses me off. I try to talk to her but she doesn't respond. Being a full-time house maker, she stops cooking or doing any other household thing for me. In the past three weeks, she told me a couple of times that she wanted to go to Pakistan but she had to see whether she could afford tickets or not. I looked at her face and asked why would that be a problem? She said, "I don't know if you have any money for me or not"? I told her that money would not be a problem so she could go anytime she wanted to. Last Monday, she told me that she was going to go purchase her and kids' tickets. I said, "but lets discuss first about how long you are going and also whether I should also go with you or not". That is all...... She stopped talking to me, stopped cooking food etc. I must say that I am used to the fact that she always cooked food and served me. I have tried to talk to her a couple of times but no response. I am going bunkers now. She doesn't listen to anybody from her family either so there is not point in talking to anybody.

I feel like ending this relationship altogether... In fact I have just filled in a petition for legal seperation.

Am I taking a really extreme step? I can't take it any more though.

It looks like you think money should buy her happiness, and while i dont doubt the importance of being financialy stable, there is so much more to keepnig a couple happy than just money. a dude can provide all the riches and comforts but be a total jerk to the wife (not that i'm saying you are).

Have you spoken to her about her habit of not talking to you and not doing anything? I can understand why you'd e frustrated and annoyed...anyone would be in this situaiton..but you must talk to her first before taking the step of a seperation.

Also, how do you think divorce would help matters? You realize if you divorce, esp in USA, ull probably left with absolutely nothing. not to mention you stand a good chance of losing your children as well...

[bigdaddy]

Maybe she is just home sick and missing her family. Seeing your family twice in six years could do that to someone. Perhaps you can put yourself in her shoes and try to see things from her perspective to find out why she could be acting weird. You owe her that much after all she has given you two kids.

You seem to provide well for her materially, by giving her financial independence. That is the right thing to do. Filing for legal separation without even figuring out what the root cause of her behavior may be is the wrong thing to do.

Who cares how she spells color man. Would you rather be married to a clueless gal from here who cant cook or clean worth a god damn but can win the spelling bee competition?

[PyariCgudia]

Alright, I am starting a thread after a long time and this time it's my personal matter. I have been married for seven years and have two beautiful children. It was a total arranged marriage (what a joke!) that took place in Pakistan and I barely knew the girl before the marriage. I frequently talked to her on the phone during the time between our engagement and the marriage. Today, I can testify that talking on the phone is no where closer to talking (seeing) in person. I thought I had known her quite a bit before the marriage but I was totally wrong. Even though she had done her masters but she lacked her general knowlege big time. We had totally two different mind sets. Anyway, I have always thought that things would improve and she would get better with time. She has imroved a bit but not at the rate an average person would have done it. She still spells color as kalar :) I added her name into my bank account as a joint owner right after she came to US. I have taken her to vacations at NYC, Canada, Vegas, San Diego, Bahamas, Hawaii, Alaska Cruise etc. She learnt driving fast and I bought her own car right away. As far as I know she was not deprived of anything she wanted to do. Alhamdulillah I am very hard working and am blessed, so money has never been an issue. I let her open a seperate bank account where she could keep her savings even though she doesn't work at all. I have also bought a house on her name alone (no** mertgage*) and she collects a decent rent from it. Rent money goes to her personal account. The house we live in is masha Allah big. She has **2 cars for herself including a brand new SUV.* She has made two trips 2 Pakistan during past 6 years and went home loaded with gifts for her family. One big problem she has is getting mad on such trival things and when she gets mad she stops talking to me. That really pisses me off. I try to talk to her but she doesn't respond. Being a full-time house maker, she stops cooking or doing any other household thing for me. In the past three weeks, she told me a couple of times that she wanted to go to Pakistan but she had to see whether she could afford tickets or not. I looked at her face and asked why would that be a problem? She said, "I don't know if you have any money for me or not"? *I told her that money would not be a problem so she could go anytime she wanted to. Last Monday, she told me that she was going to go purchase her and kids' tickets. I said, "but lets discuss first about how long you are going and also whether I should also go with you or not". That is all...... She stopped talking to me, stopped cooking food etc. I must say that I am used to the fact that she always cooked food and **served me. **I have tried to talk to her a couple of times but no response. I am going bunkers now. She doesn't listen to anybody from her family either so there is not point in talking to anybody. * I feel like ending this relationship altogether... In fact I have just filled in a petition for legal seperation.

Am I taking a really extreme step? I can't take it any more though.

Really?

Let's break this down, shall we?

1. She mispells "color" and you mispell "mortgage".

2. You talk as if you're some god for this lady that you've given her so much and now she isn't "serving" you. Look at the bolded items - you talk like you own her.

3. She is asking whether she'll have enough money or not to go to Pakistan. She knows you are loaded - no secret about that, as you're amply showing off here about your wealth. I'm sure she gets it too. :) So, exactly what have you down to make her feel like she can't spend the money you earn the way she wants, and she gingerly asks for permission to spend some of the household money so she can see her family? That's just odd...

Let me tell you something. My dad is not 1% as wealthy as you. However, EVERY YEAR he will ask my mom - do you want to go to Pakistan this year to see your family? I'll send you and the kids. My mother DECIDES herself whether she wants to go or not, and in my 27 years I never heard my mom gingerly ask my dad for money for a trip the way you say your wife asked you. That rings off alarms in my head. It means she feels you aren't open to giving her money, and that financial decisions are YOUR decisions, rather than hers.

Did you ever ask her - honey, I have an extra 50,000 - do you want ANOTHER car or do you want to do something else with that money?

Does she get any say in the financial decisions, or you think you're doing her some favor by buying her outrageously expensive gifts?

And do you think love is bought with money?

So, she is taken aback by something you said and you're on silent treatment. Fine. Give her some space and tell her how much you care and you're sorry if you offended her in any way. You're telling us this side of your story - I bet if she came on here, she'd have a different story of how the conversation went.

For such a small argument you want to file divorce papers?? This woman gave you two kids, and you want to throw her out?

What kind of human being are you. First ask yourself that. Then ask why you didn't get a better wife.

And to top it off, I dont care how arranged this was - this was YOUR decision to marry her. Now be responsible about it, and stay with the woman and work out your differences.

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Am I taking a really extreme step?

Oh and to top it off, it is clear by your post that you really don't love her at all. You have contempt for her, you look down upon her, and you're clearly ready to get rid of her because you're filing divorce papers.

Just a wild thought....maybe she knows you don't give a crap about her.

[Niksik]

Re: Am I taking a really extreme step?

I think divorce or separation is jumping too fast.

What seems to have happened is that your wife got a lot a bit too quickly in her life, perhaps without much struggle. So in the process she probably never appreciated her blessings and was not grateful to you for being a good provider. Somehow somewhere, communication was lacking between the two of you where your goal was to be a good provider and in turn get her to take care of you. She, on the other hand is probably satisfied as long as her needs are met and doesn't really care about nurturing a real relationship. Now of course I am assuming too much but this scenario is very typical in many desi homes.

Sit down with her and talk to her and tell her that you'd like to make your marriage stronger and are willing to change so she is more open with you. In turn, she too will change her attitude.

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Am I taking a really extreme step?

It doesn't sound like she's not interested in a nurturing relationship. She's not the one filing divorce papers. This kid is.

[Spiral]

I don't see a big problem here. If she doesn't talk or not do anything around the house, that's her way of showing anger. Isn't that better than someone who would say nasty things to you when they are angry. I do that too. I just don't talk and shut myself in my room. I try not to say mean things to my husband. That's my way of telling him that I am super angry. All this and I agree with everything PCG said.

[Niksik]

Re: Am I taking a really extreme step?

Well you do need two hands to clap, so they both have to communicate.

[Sara516]

I don't see a big problem here. If she doesn't talk or not do anything around the house, that's her way of showing anger. Isn't that better than someone who would say nasty things to you when they are angry. I do that too. I just don't talk and shut myself in my room. I try not to say mean things to my husband. That's my way of telling him that I am super angry. All this and I agree with everything PCG said.

Not talking or showing affection is one thing, but to neglect her responsibilities which is to take care of the house and home, is really immature and to a point just being petty and mean.

What if husband did the same and as a way of showing his anger, he stopped going to work?

he can lose his job, the family can lose money and all that they've worked for. So isnt' it just as bad, if she stops fulfilling her responsibilities just cz she's mad?

Its immature and irresponsible.

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Am I taking a really extreme step?

I wouldn't clean house for someone who is filing divorce papers on me. I wouldn't clean house for someone who buys me two cars, and doesn't give me love, and instead makes fun of how stupid I am on some public forum.

Shoot, I'd keep cooking for him. Yeah. Biryani that I mixed in foot cream into.

[kaun]

Re: Am I taking a really extreme step?

bud, i think filing for divorce for this issue is rather childish. After what i have read i can say that problem is on both ends and you guys need to talk it out rather than discussing this or even worse making fun of your wife on a public forum.

Now coming to you, bud I agree you have given your wife all the luxury money can provide and MashaAllah good for you but if you read this post as a neutral person it sounds like you did not like her at all from the get go, so why did u do her this favour

[quote]
she has imroved a bit but not at the rate an average person would have done it. She still spells color as kalar
[/quote]

cmon dude, after this even me (being a guy) have lost a lil respect for u, who goes out in public and insults his wife and brags about how much you have given her, house, 2 cars, lots of vacations etc,

[Sara516]

I wouldn't clean house for someone who is filing divorce papers on me. I wouldn't clean house for someone who buys me two cars, and doesn't give me love, and instead makes fun of how stupid I am on some public forum.

Shoot, I'd keep cooking for him. Yeah. Biryani that I mixed in foot cream into.

Sure...ill stop working and providing for someone who doesnt give a darn about taking care of me.

It goes both ways, its never just 1 persons fault, as we all love to believe.

[Pareezay]

Re: Am I taking a really extreme step?

Does she know you have filed for seperation? How did she react to it?

Looks like both of you have major issues to deal with and talk about.. but only if you, as a couple, are willing to stay married to each other. You also have children in the picture so you need to be very careful about your decision.

[FairyTale]

Not talking or showing affection is one thing, but to neglect her responsibilities which is to take care of the house and home, is really immature and to a point just being petty and mean.

What if husband did the same and as a way of showing his anger, he stopped going to work?

he can lose his job, the family can lose money and all that they've worked for. So isnt' it just as bad, if she stops fulfilling her responsibilities just cz she's mad?

Its immature and irresponsible.

Totally agree with Sara. The lady is very immature and irresponsible and not to forget unthankful too.
I wont say that OP is not taking care of his wife and he is not a good husband. If all what he has stated is true then he is one nice husband providing his wife with more than basics of life. She is the one who is not playing her role properly as a good wife. LOVE and RESPECT are earned and it can take time. All you need to do is to keep trying for them if you want them in your life.

Saying this i am not proposing or encourging to go ahead with divorce but i really dont know what to advise in this matter. None of us are going thru it, none of us are in your situation. Do what you think is right.

[jaadugar]

Re: Am I taking a really extreme step?

Guys take it easy. Let me make some clarifications. I have not filed any divorce papers. I said that I have filled in papers for legal separation and obviously that is in the spur of the moment being angry. I have not filed ANY papers leave alone divorce. If I want to end the relationship I would have filed divorce papers not just thought of separation.

Secondly, I have not insulted her in front of anybody, friends, family or anybody who knows both of us. Venting out on the damn forum means nothing to her. Neither she knows anybody here nor anybody from here knows her. She doesn't even know what Gupshup is. So I don't think it should be considered insulting her. If I had called her family up or any other friends and had talked about it all then that would have considered insulting.

Why I mentioned money part is that she never had to ask for money before. I only emphasized on that part was to show that she is totally independent money wise. She did not ask me any permission if she could go to Pakistan. In fact I found it weired when she said that she had to think if I could afford her ticket or not. The whole point id that she can but 50 tickets with the money she has in her personal bank account even without me knowing. So she did not ask me if she could have money. The issue is that I wanted her to discuss about the timings when to go or come back. Also she did not ask me if I also wanted to go along.

PyariCgudyi, please come out of your "A pigeon hole" and think with a bit broader mind.

[Spiral]

I don't ask my husband if he wants to go along when I visit my parents. Is that bad??? Never thought about that. I visit them for few weeks and in those weeks I spend every min with my mom. I wake up early just so I can have bkfast with her. Now if my husband went, I wouldn't get that time with her.

Ok fine she did get upset at some stupid thing which she shouldn't have. So what?? We all have those moments. After a while we are like seriously why did I get upset at that??!!! Just because she may sometimes act immature, you shouldn't leave her. Divorce/Separation is no joke mister. Even the thought of it is scary.

[jaadugar]

Really?

For such a small argument you want to file divorce papers?? This woman gave you two kids, and you want to throw her out?

What kind of human being are you. First ask yourself that. Then ask why you didn't get a better wife.

And to top it off, I dont care how arranged this was - this was YOUR decision to marry her. Now be responsible about it, and stay with the woman and work out your differences.

I am not hoping for it to happen but in the worst case scenario, I will not kick her out of the house and that is my promise to myself. I will move out if it come down to that level.