Recently my elder brother in law got engaged to my MILs cousins daughter. They are distant relatives so never met before. I am also engsged since 3.5 years.
The new girl M..her family is quite modern as inthey drink. My FIL drinks beer and doesn’t get drunk. No one in my family does and im not comfortable with it. M’s family visits almost every weekend and they all drink including m and my fiance. I do not find this acceptable.
My fiance never used to drink because he promised me.two months back he had a guy friends party so took permission and I said ok. After that he drank on brothers engagement n last two weekends. He doesn’t drink much like 4-5 sips but it is v hurting to me.
I have been thinking into this and I don’t know what to do. Should I leave him as his family is not my type? This just started last month. My fiance says he will stop and wants to do it occasionally.
Due to this I have been really upset thinking of leaving him and problems associated with it. We are otherwise happy apart from normal couple type issues. His family is good with me n so is he.. what do you all suggest I do. Please feel free to ask questions or in box me.
Kindly do not jump to conclusion as I may have been unclear (up since two nights. Im having a nervous breakdown and have been crying alot and fighting with him)
Thank you
its a long story, i have no idea what the relevance of M's relation to your MIL is, or even why you mention her. you have a problem with your fiance's drinking. vhy you write everything else pal?
if not troll, then i think you should call it off coz you do have an issue with his drinking, and frankly, you are a drama queen. both together will be not too fun.
I don't know your background or values but from my perspective you're under-reacting. I'd break an engagement with someone if I found out they drank. Similarly my wife (or any woman whom I'd even hypothetically consider marrying) would do the same.
I don't know your background or values but from my perspective you're under-reacting. I'd break an engagement with someone if I found out they drank. Similarly my wife (or any woman whom I'd even hypothetically consider marrying) would do the same.
yeah exactly.
to be honest if drinking is such an issue to you and you knew his family drank occasionally then why did you get engaged in the first place? either get used to the fact that he drinks and so do his family yet they treat you good (in your eyes) or just leave and find someone who has similar views to you.
Your children will be raised in the similar environment and it will be easy for them to indulge into these things. Think not only about you but your future children as well.
Don't think it's the drinking that bothers you entirely so long as he takes your permission beforehand. When you gave him 'permission' you were good, now he's drinking more frequently without seeking your 'authorization', and you're losing your mind. Plus you're already insecure about your BIL's engagement and differences in treatment between you and his fiancée.
So the issue is your insecurity within and you being a control freak, no? You'll have similar issues in other relationships unless you handle your insecurities better. Figure that out first and then if leaving him is something you're strong enough to do then do it.
to be honest if drinking is such an issue to you and you knew his family drank occasionally then why did you get engaged in the first place? either get used to the fact that he drinks and so do his family yet they treat you good (in your eyes) or just leave and find someone who has similar views to you.
Agree as well!. OP..since you're still engaged to the person..i think it is time you take another good look at this dude. Don't just hung up on him and pretend it is ok. Wish you best..but you need to make brave decision.
I wouldn't say you're overreacting, but if the drinking was common knowledge you really shouldn't have involved yourself in the family. Before making any life changing decisions you need to sort yourself out, you sound mentally exhausted. Have a good nights sleep and weigh the pros and cons before making any decisions. Best of luck
A few illogical issues that I couldn't help but point out, so here goes...
Your BIL got enagaged to a girl whose family drinks (why the flip is this really your concern? Anyway, I shall go on...)
Your FIL drinks beer but doesn't get drunk (urm...he drinks....this is a big enough issue in itself, no?)
Seems like your blaming M for your fiance's choices (why?)
Your fiance promised you that he wouldn't drink (promises can be broken, espeically when you give leeway on the matter, see point number 5)
You gave permission for him to drink (I'm starting to think you don't actually care about his drinking habits anyway)
You're asking whether you should leave him as his family is not your type - (honey, wake up and smell the damn coffee beans, because it seems to me that even he isn't your type!!)
How old are you?!
Personally I would've said buh-bye as soon as he asked my permission for such a stupid thing!
If you are against drinking then why did you say it was okay for him to drink that one time? You either are ok with it or not okay with it. This 'giving permission' one time makes absolutely no sense. Unless, like Scherbatsky said above, it's more that you'd like him to ask you every time he wants to drink or do anything else, basically controlling his actions.
Firstly; drinking ALCOHOL is wrong FULLSTOP for Muslims. It makes no frickin difference how drunk you get! For the love of God wake up woman! Just so you know I've witnessed many peoples downfall due to alcohol. Loss of family, business (rizq), respect...it's nasty TBH.
Secondly seriously I am beginning to believe you are a LOST cause. You are the one who was miffed at the fact your future in-laws were being nicer to your BILs future wifey. No one was bothered about setting a date for your Wedding. They weren't fussed about you in general. Your future husband doesn't seem much different. People on here have tried explaining to you that this is a slippery slope with NO CHANCE of improvement yet here you are with another issue. Seriously you want to torture yourself on a long term scale go ahead.
I'm betting (with candy) that you will back once you are married with more MIL drama. The folk on here who advise have most of the time witnessed something similar and want to save the OP from heartbreak but it seems you want to be hurt so go ahead.
Thirdly SERIOUSLY your future husband needs to MAN UP. Just because others around him drink he's drinking? Is that what you believe? If that was the case all Muslims in non-Muslim countries would be drinkers then wouldn't they?
Lastly SERIOUSLY save yourself the crap you want to bring onto yourself. Leave now. Move on. Find a family that clearly have better values as Muslims. Alcohol isn't just a drink; it brings a load of crap with it.
Drinking does not go away easily. It CAN go away but its not an easy thing to drop. Even if he doesn't drink to get drunk, it doesn't make it any better of a situation.
I am not advising you to break up with him - you really need to do some soul searching and see if this is something you can be okay with. If his family drinks and they're 100% comfortable with alcohol, he probably won't be stopping completely. Are you alright with the occasional drink here and there?
Thankyou everyone for your feedback, I will look into the advice given but I need to see on my own and weigh my pros and cons.
Reha: my fiancée has never tried it before.. the first time was two months ago.
I was advised by someone on this blog to ask him to choose. so I gave him a open ended choice.. me or drink?
I told him very politely that if we continues with both it is alright but it would just be wrong to both of us because ill never stop telling him and making t unpleasant for him and ill also be miserable. so think over it and decide wisely.
he kept telling me that its obviously me, not something he has done a few times for funs sake.. but I let him sleep over it.. the next day he continued to call and text me but I was avoiding it.. at night I spoke to him and he told me that I shudnt have even thought this was an option.. he promised me that I wouldn't have to fear such things.. he was also quite upset as ive been going on and on about this topic for a month and I don't stop ( I get very paranoid )
I know his family would be going it, but as he said .. once his brothers married it would all reduce and go back to the way it was before..
please advise if im being too naïve here. but for me breaking this up is huge. it is a big gamble and I know I write on this blog repeatedly, its because I have no friends I can speak to and I think too much. this is my only place :)