Hi guys im new here, been wanting to post for a while now. 6 Months ago I went back to Pakistan after like 14 years. I hardly used to talk to my cousins or family there, it was occasionally a ‘hi, how are you, im fine, thanks’ kinda thing. My mum did all the talking to them. When we went back after so many years (mainly to the pind) It was quite a bit of a shock to me. It was so different, to what I was used to. Eveybody in Pakistan is like all ‘up in there’ with you whereas in UK, people like to keep their distance and are not used to such ermmm, close proximities? I found it quite difficult to have some personal space to myself. The pind people just would not cease to not stare, it actually made me cry on numerous occasions, but I guess its the nature of Pakistanis. However, due to this I was very uncomfortable and mainly kept to myself, although I did talk to other people (my Pakistani family) but whenever we were all together I would get really uncomfortable and just not say anything and stay sat in one place. But gradually as the weeks went on and I became familiar again with Pakistan, I did start to open up and talk and move more. On one occasion, my mother went inside completely randomly and started crying as to why I was sat in one place and hardly interacting with anyone. (bearing in mind this was the first week there and I was hardly accustomed to it whereas she was from there it was her family). Her family all went inside and when they came out, looked at me as if I had done something so wrong. I felt anger towards her because I hardly wanted to go in the first place and it was only the 1st week there out of the 8 we would be spending there. This has caused me to not not talk to her properly and kinda hate here (even though I try not to). My mum mainly always ignored me whilst we were there and hardly talked to me. You guys tell me, if you were suddenly plucked from the US or UK for a holiday in the Pind of Pakistan with all those people staring at you totally unfamiliar, would you be comfortable. Was my reaction fair or not.
Re: Am i in the wrong?
wow! just wow!
Re: Am i in the wrong?
You obviously don't travel often, do you?
Not fair. Simply because you're in their territory and in their homes. If they came to UK and were crossing your personal space or not following your home rules then your reaction would be somewhat more fair. But when you go to another country/culture, you need to make extra effort and respect their lifestyles and customs.
Re: Am i in the wrong?
I understand where you're coming from OP...but you need to try to understand the culture and make an effort. Simply so you don't come off as rude. You cannot become secluded and think people will be alright with it - especially if its your family.
Re: Am i in the wrong?
Your family in Pak are your hosts, you are a guest. They're trying to be hospitable and if you keep away from them, they'll naturally assume that you're unhappy with them, or you don't like them, etc....and you can't blame them for being offended. Maybe one of them complained to your mom and that's why she's feeling self-conscious. Maybe your mom is really busy catching up with in-laws and relos that she hasn't been able to give you much attention. It doesn't necessarily have to be deliberate on her part. She wants you to join in otherwise she wouldn't have asked you.
I can understand it can be tough, but at least try to sit with them and talk to your mom, ask her questions about what you don't understand. Thru talking to mom, you'll be interacting with the other family members as well. Or if you're still bothered by your mom not giving you attention, then talk to her and clear the air. I think you'll feel better. But do try to at least sit with your family....even if you don't have much to say its better than isolating urself; the latter sends a worse message. Try to smile even if ur quiet, it makes u appear better. You can even busy yourself with helping them with tasks about the home, that way you still appear involved with the family.
Re: Am i in the wrong?
I went for two weeks for an uncles wedding after I think about 12 years. I didn't go with any of my siblings or anything it was just me my dad and his sister. I swear to god even tho we spoke apni language at home all the time in the Uk, when we were there and the olds all got talking to each other I couldn't hardly understand a word. Either they were talking too fast or just using words I'd not heard em say before. At first I was ok but I think by the third evening I started crying cus I felt so alone. Every one was singing and laughing around me obv cus it was a few days before the wedding but I felt sooo alone. I think it was cus I had no one to talk to in English and I wasn't all that comfortable talking in apni language in case I made mistakes n they laughed at me. Actually I think a couple of times I did something I thought was normal but they thought it was oh so funny and laughed at me. So not only were they laughing at me for reasons I still don't get but I was also getting ogled at by all 101 extended cousins who all thought they had a chance with me, and not just the guys but the women as well who were eyeing me up for their sons or brothers or whatever! Urgh even thinking about it now I'm not surprised I cried. Lol So no I don't blame you for your reaction, esp not in the first two weeks. After that I hope you got used to it a little??
Re: Am i in the wrong?
i think you're more angry at how your mom handled your situation vs. all those random ppl in pakistan. She should've been more understanding and she shouldnt've ignored you. i feel ignored too when my mom goes to pakistan and she's among all her siblings and she knows how to interact with them really well....i just sit quietly and everyone keeps saying how i dont talk...but i really have nothing to say in urdu to random ppl even tho to my mom i speak in urdu/english. it odd. i've never understood why i feel awkward speaking urdu to with ppl i'm not comfortable with.
Re: Am i in the wrong?
You seem quite narrow minded and ignorant at best. And your connotation of the 'pind people' like they are out of space or something? Have some respect you're in their homeland and you're merely a guest thus appreciate their way and try to understand a little about your own culture. Make an effort as you should ideally try to relish the opportunity of going to another country. I see this a lot with the women in particular but men too who live in the west seeing the outside world through a bubble.
Am i in the wrong?
Its just a cultural shock. Its quite normal if you havent been for a while and should wear off soon but by the time you start enjoying it will be time to come back.
Your mother could have been more understanding, ok if it were the hosts family getting offended, id understand, but i dont understand the mothers need for drama.. Totally unnecessary.
Am i in the wrong?
You might suffer from social anxiety disorder. It's a very real thing and I would assume it could cause relationship issues for you down the road. You might want to talk to somebody to help to ease you into interacting with people. It's not about right or wrong but more so understanding and compromising. As someone said, it could also be culture shock. You sound like you may have been sheltered and haven't ventured out in the world very much. Open your heart and mind, its only a vacation and this sounds like its more than about people up in your personal space. You sound bitter for probably being forced to come but give it a chance, if not for your family, for your own self. Traveling can introduce you to a lot of news things that you'll appreciate once your back.
Re: Am i in the wrong?
I'm amused.
If someone from another country comes to visit you after so many years, would you laugh at them whenever they said something? Make fun of the way they talk, their accent and expect them to be OK with it? Mind boggling really................
Re: Am i in the wrong?
^ I didn't recall reading in OP's post that she laughs at the way they talk or mocks them. Went back and reread....again there was nothing that even implied this. The "nature of Pakistanis" remark wasn't necessary, as it's natural for people to be curious about a "newcomer." She's not used to the norms of joint family life and that's understandable. Her mom's reaction was a bit much...especially when they had only been there a week...as it takes time to recover from jet lag and get used to your surroundings. Mom drew more negative attention to her daughter...and it could have been handled in a more mature way. Maybe there were pre-existing tensions between OP and her mom and it all came to a head that first week in Pak. She should calmly sort things out with mom (don't accuse mom) and that'll make em both relax more...provided the approach is not a resentful/defensive one.
OR....if OP knows that approaching mom will worsen matters...then she needs to just put in more effort to be a part of the family and it doesn't have to entail talking all the time...just being in the same room, smiling, helping out...will alleviate tension to a great extent.
Re: Am i in the wrong?
Please keep in mind this supposedly happened 6 months ago and the visit was apparently 8 weeks. But then OP still says she kinda hates it "here".
Re: Am i in the wrong?
If I were you, I would have kept a camera with me all the time.... it would have really helped in breaking the ice.
Re: Am i in the wrong?
Your family in Pak are your hosts, you are a guest. They're trying to be hospitable and if you keep away from them, they'll naturally assume that you're unhappy with them, or you don't like them, etc....and you can't blame them for being offended. Maybe one of them complained to your mom and that's why she's feeling self-conscious. Maybe your mom is really busy catching up with in-laws and relos that she hasn't been able to give you much attention. It doesn't necessarily have to be deliberate on her part. She wants you to join in otherwise she wouldn't have asked you.
I can understand it can be tough, but at least try to sit with them and talk to your mom, ask her questions about what you don't understand. Thru talking to mom, you'll be interacting with the other family members as well. Or if you're still bothered by your mom not giving you attention, then talk to her and clear the air. I think you'll feel better. But do try to at least sit with your family....even if you don't have much to say its better than isolating urself; the latter sends a worse message. Try to smile even if ur quiet, it makes u appear better. You can even busy yourself with helping them with tasks about the home, that way you still appear involved with the family.
Yeah thinking about it now, I should've made more of an effort because I might've come across as a bit rude no matter how immensely uncomfortable I felt. I did smile a lot tho, but then my cousins turned this around and started saying all she ever does is smile, like this is so not fair, atleast I was trying to be polite. After they said that I just ceased to stop smiling. Maybe im a bit too sensitive. I dunno.
Re: Am i in the wrong?
I went for two weeks for an uncles wedding after I think about 12 years. I didn't go with any of my siblings or anything it was just me my dad and his sister. I swear to god even tho we spoke apni language at home all the time in the Uk, when we were there and the olds all got talking to each other I couldn't hardly understand a word. Either they were talking too fast or just using words I'd not heard em say before. At first I was ok but I think by the third evening I started crying cus I felt so alone. Every one was singing and laughing around me obv cus it was a few days before the wedding but I felt sooo alone. I think it was cus I had no one to talk to in English and I wasn't all that comfortable talking in apni language in case I made mistakes n they laughed at me. Actually I think a couple of times I did something I thought was normal but they thought it was oh so funny and laughed at me. So not only were they laughing at me for reasons I still don't get but I was also getting ogled at by all 101 extended cousins who all thought they had a chance with me, and not just the guys but the women as well who were eyeing me up for their sons or brothers or whatever! Urgh even thinking about it now I'm not surprised I cried. Lol So no I don't blame you for your reaction, esp not in the first two weeks. After that I hope you got used to it a little??
omg this is exactly how I felt! I also went for a wedding. Although I did try, theres a limit to how much you can because everybody knows each other and us youngsters are just like whats going on. I preferred to just sit there and listen to everybody talk and occasionaly add stuff in, but they would always laugh and say you have too much if an English accent on your Urdu or that you don't know what your talking about your british. Its like even when I was trying they kept on constantly saying that so in the end I just did not bother. I cried a lot during the 1st week but allahamdulillah I got used to in the end. Urgh the thing about people ogling at you also got on my last nerve. That was the most cringiest and awkward moment ive ever had to endure. Even now when I think of it I cringe so bad! my male cousins and other males from the village checked me out constantly as if thy had xray vision (that is nasty) and the woman also. Whilst I identify that it is the culture over there to do that I simply could not become comfortable with this fact. But yes I did get used to it in the end.
Re: Am i in the wrong?
i think you're more angry at how your mom handled your situation vs. all those random ppl in pakistan. She should've been more understanding and she shouldnt've ignored you. i feel ignored too when my mom goes to pakistan and she's among all her siblings and she knows how to interact with them really well....i just sit quietly and everyone keeps saying how i dont talk...but i really have nothing to say in urdu to random ppl even tho to my mom i speak in urdu/english. it odd. i've never understood why i feel awkward speaking urdu to with ppl i'm not comfortable with.
exactly, theres only so much you can talk about with a total stranger. hi how are you, yes uk/us is good. yeah I like Pakistan. That's it. So yeah there is a shortage of conversation which also added to being quiet.
Re: Am i in the wrong?
You seem quite narrow minded and ignorant at best. And your connotation of the 'pind people' like they are out of space or something? Have some respect you're in their homeland and you're merely a guest thus appreciate their way and try to understand a little about your own culture. Make an effort as you should ideally try to relish the opportunity of going to another country. I see this a lot with the women in particular but men too who live in the west seeing the outside world through a bubble.
Please re-read my original post. I have written nothing to differentiate between pind people or other people. Neither have I written anything negative about them. It is just to show who I am talking about. That is your interpretation of the phrase, so I suggest stop being judgemental on one word.
Re: Am i in the wrong?
Its just a cultural shock. Its quite normal if you havent been for a while and should wear off soon but by the time you start enjoying it will be time to come back.
Your mother could have been more understanding, ok if it were the hosts family getting offended, id understand, but i dont understand the mothers need for drama.. Totally unnecessary.
yeah as time went on I did start enjoying it thankfully, it was just the initial week there. :/
Re: Am i in the wrong?
I'm amused. If someone from another country comes to visit you after so many years, would you laugh at them whenever they said something? Make fun of the way they talk, their accent and expect them to be OK with it? Mind boggling really................
what are you on? did I mention that I laugh at them or make fun of them? Please read my OP again and this time engage your brain and focus on what is being said, not putting words in my mouth. Thanks.