Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
My Mother-in-law doesn’t like the idea of her son spending time with his wife, period. We used to go shopping and we’d have to take my Nands with me. I wanted to buy some nice suits and my FIL went with me, my husband was ‘told’ by his mother to stay at home. Great life.
Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
My Mother-in-law doesn't like the idea of her son spending time with his wife, period. We used to go shopping and we'd have to take my Nands with me. I wanted to buy some nice suits and my FIL went with me, my husband was 'told' by his mother to stay at home. Great life.
Seriously !!!
You need to tell your husband in no uncertain terms that unless you get to spend time with him, you would be a nag.
Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
Yep, nagging rights are fairly legit in these circumstances. Make him buy you all the new lawn prints.
What is it with desi men and the constant need to suckle on their mom's teats.
Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
WOW ^ (no wonder … :halo:)
Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
NOT directed to OP but why do girls think husbands should abandon and cut off all ties with their families once married ? All they need is established,groomed,educated man whose parents are good until they sponsor his education,wedding expenses and leave property in their will for them and parents should leave their sons alone with these kal ki ayee hui bahu and land directly into the graves right on walima night ? MILs are called wrong doers,inappropriate,evils and what not by most of the DILs yet the sons they give birth to and bring up are perfect pieces that girls decide to spend life with and have kids??? our husbands had a life before we made our entry and WE need to adjust since YOU moved in their families (it was all OUR choice to get married into a pakistani family and WE knew their culture).
princess,You live with your husband separate in another country. why does it hurt to see if he chooses to sleep with his mom for a few days after years? what comes to your mind about someone spending a night in his mom's room ? she is her mother and had rights in him more than him sending some money and gifts every few months and showing his face once a year with a wife who frowns all the time in a short stay ?
dont you shop and spend enough time with your husband when you are not in pakistan? what is wrong if your sils or fil accompany you once or twice? why do you have to make him choose between you and his family all the time ? this will only leave him thinking about you negatively and forever unhappy with his family no matter what. He should be sane enough to notice his mother didnt give a rat's thing when your daughter was hospitalised. even if she called to ask about her,would it speed-en up her recovery by some magic? why do we have to add to our stresses when we can easily ignore them ?
about her treating daughters as second class citizens, stop interfering in her household. you should be bothered only when they start making decisions about YOUR daughter (which you clearly have mentioned that you make all the decisions for her and your husband has no objections about that.)
sorry for the harsh post but seriously you are adding to your depression solely by yourself and I dont see any other factor doing that !
Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
Where is the ‘abandonment’?? Simply living in another home isn’t abandoning your parents (then aren’t daughters abandoning their parents as well 
)
A mother doesn’t have the right to expect her son NOT to sleep with his wife.. That is bizarre and overstepping boundaries.. A woman should be sleeping in a room with her own husband, not her grown son..
ANY doctor here would say it’s understandable if the OP is depressed as well.. What her MIL is doing is not normal, it’s obsessional and we can’t control what others do but we can speak out or how will there ever be any chance of change?? Just ignoring things for years on end can and does cause depression.. It is NOT healthy or constructive..
The OP being ‘bothered’ about how the other girls are treated shows she’s a good person and has empathy.. A quality some ppl on GS seem to need to learn.. I wonder how they’d like to be on the receiving end of bad treatment whilst others turn a blind eye..
Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
Princess1983: I have a similar situation with my in-laws. It's very formal, they live in a different state, has made weird/disrespectful comments about me many times etc.
I think the "solution" you came up with is the way to go. Why would you want to share your thoughts/opinions with people who don't want to hear it? As for your SILs.....is trying to "save" them worth causing tension in your marriage? Your 1st priority should be your daughter/husband. When your in-laws visit, just ignore their comments b/c you know they're only here temporarily. As for your daughter's future education....who care what your MIL says? It will be you and your husband making the decisions. Always make sure your husband and you are on the same page.....don't allow MIL/SIL and other stupid drama to distract you from this. And yes, if going to Pakistan adds to your depression/stress.....that it's better that you do NOT travel there until you have your depression under control.
As for the impact on your daughter....that's upto you and your husband. However, having a mother who is depressed/stressed b/c she chooses to get involved with in-law drama isn't going to benefit your daughter. So for her sake, it's better that you remain respectful but distant from your in-laws.
P.S. And be grateful that you didn't get stuck living in a joint family situation!
Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
yes daughters 'abandon' too but do you see son-in-laws mourning about all their MILs do/say all the time ? In this case, OP already imported a husband from pakistan and is MA living happily with him so why is it that everything that her ILs have been doing/living with for years is objectionable to her even when she sees them after years ? As for sil's issues, if you cannot correct something you find wrong despite trying, you move on, no? or do you take it on for years and land yourself into depression ?
I find it highly disturbing when girls refer 'pendu' to the family/lady who gave birth to and raised the man they choose to get married and live their life with. pala palaya beta 'modern' hai and usko paida karnay aur parhanay sikhaanay walay 'pendu' ? wow ! dont forget your children have the same 'pendu' genes running in them too !
Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
Reel your neck in skmch.I.never made my husband move that was his parents decision when they looked for a foreign ristaa. Who said he has to pick? Seriously you need stop watching dramas.
As for sleeping is his parents room he's free to so I have no problems with that if you put your specs on and read you will see I am not the one with the issue.
And yes the bull shot out was aimed at me. Do I care? Nope.
As for the way my SILs are treated for.the love of Allah are you not human? No one should.be treated as a second class person. They have rights under Islam too.
As for pendu; sweetheart anyone who is willing to follow the way of those pre-Islam and refusing to change is a Pendu.
Also I sense somekind of hatred towards DILs. Did I hit a nerve?
Thank you to the others who actually decided to have input to make the situ barable for the kids.
Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
NOT directed to OP but why do girls think husbands should abandon and cut off all ties with their families once married ? All they need is established,groomed,educated man whose parents are good until they sponsor his education,wedding expenses and leave property in their will for them and parents should leave their sons alone with these kal ki ayee hui bahu and land directly into the graves right on walima night ? MILs are called wrong doers,inappropriate,evils and what not by most of the DILs yet the sons they give birth to and bring up are perfect pieces that girls decide to spend life with and have kids??? our husbands had a life before we made our entry and WE need to adjust since YOU moved in their families (it was all OUR choice to get married into a pakistani family and WE knew their culture).
princess,You live with your husband separate in another country. why does it hurt to see if he chooses to sleep with his mom for a few days after years? what comes to your mind about someone spending a night in his mom's room ? she is her mother and had rights in him more than him sending some money and gifts every few months and showing his face once a year with a wife who frowns all the time in a short stay ?
dont you shop and spend enough time with your husband when you are not in pakistan? what is wrong if your sils or fil accompany you once or twice? why do you have to make him choose between you and his family all the time ? this will only leave him thinking about you negatively and forever unhappy with his family no matter what. He should be sane enough to notice his mother didnt give a rat's thing when your daughter was hospitalised. even if she called to ask about her,would it speed-en up her recovery by some magic? why do we have to add to our stresses when we can easily ignore them ?
about her treating daughters as second class citizens, stop interfering in her household. you should be bothered only when they start making decisions about YOUR daughter (which you clearly have mentioned that you make all the decisions for her and your husband has no objections about that.)
sorry for the harsh post but seriously you are adding to your depression solely by yourself and I dont see any other factor doing that !
Seriously, stop living in the stone ages. The info given was for those open enough to give advice so my children are not effected.
Just to stop you losing sleep over MY LIFE here are a few pieces of info:
educated and established? Sweetheart, we married young as they PUSHED for a wedding as there were ill elderly who wished to see the wedding. I hold a degree, I'm educated do I dangle that over my inlaws or did I mention education for you to ASSUME my in-laws spent wealth on his education and I'm not reaping the reward?
Their CULTURE is not that of Pakistani Muslims-it's that or pre-Islamic folk. Go on judge me for saying it. I really don't give a damn.
As for spending time with his sisters whilst we are out shopping. Don't you have hayyah or something? I'm expected to shop for clothes which I wear to impress my husband whilst others are present when I observe the Ibaayah? Seriously?
As for not calling to ask about her granddaugher-jeez did I hit another nerve? I mean isn't asking about the ILL done anymore? Have we all lost sight of what makes us human and Muslim (for those who are of course. Those who are of other religions are thought something similar if they cherish humanity). If they wish to have a relationship with their grandchildren it starts with love and compassion and if you cannot be bothered to even found out if your grandchild is dead or alive after suspected Malaria caught whilst visiting them is a tall order judge me now and shoot me.
If parents don't expect their child to move they wouldn't go looking for ristaas outside of their country would they? Seriously, go take a Kalms tablet I've heard they work wonders on desi folk hellbent on judging others by their own weird standards.
As for sending money a few times every couple of months-seriously stop judging by your own ways. I never once said my husband was not completing his duties towards his family; now dare you judge by your twisted desi mind.
Now I must crack on with tying up the husband and forcing him to be a good husband and hoover the house, cook the dinner and empty out the bins.
Really you seriously shouldn't post and judge others. Anything I've written today is because you started it. What's the saying about living in glass houses?
Oh and must go and get my voodoo doll out of the MIL and SILs and stick pins in them.
And before you go on about I posted in a public forum blah blah blah. Some of us are highly aware that we are NOT the only person going through such issues and instead of sitting around saying it's culture and sticking our heads in the sand we talk to people who are educated and enough in life to give advice. I guess you don't fit the bill.
I guess you be banishing me to hell; shall I pack my bags now? Do I get to go by a nice fancy sports car? I've heard bad DILs get to go to do their final destination journey by those cars; oh cannot wait!
Oh before I forget PCG-the whole sons sleeping in Mothers room situ-I've heard it's quite the norm in Eastern Europe. Ah whatever floats their boats?
Whoops !!! ^^Who hit whose what ? :halo:
Breathe girl ! You can only change your reaction and perception of things. No amount of discussions can change how your il’s behave like. If you need people to just sympathise with all the zulm you’re going through, I sympathise too. Best of luck. 
Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
Haha, lovely. If people decide to judge based on their own opinions and perceptions and OWN threshold of crap they take that’s up to them. What I won’t have is someone judging me and deciding based on their own thoughts that I must be the one causing problems.
Why is it that in today’s society if a woman wants to sort out an issue so it doesn’t cause further issues down the line she’s the bad one? Rather than looking at the problems with society leaning towards a backward pre-Islamic look on life and how DILs need to be like the ones off Indian Television who constantly give qurbanis and don’t live for themselves? Why should someone be able to treat anyone with less respect than is given?
As for living separately; even if I was in Pakistan there’s no actual Islamic reason to live in a joint family unless your husband is expected to take out debt to support you. As long as ones son is keeping up his responsibilities (which I’ve never stopped him from doing but hey I’m the bad one here ain’t I) he can do so from separate dwellings. And no this isn’t some bull churned out by a Western gora.
So anyone else wana take a pop? Bring it. I’m sick to the back teeth of having to feel guilty for actually not agreeing to backward thinking, or wanting to live a life of peace and quiet without having others dictate what I should do and feel.
Boohoo for all the MILs-it must such to have DILs that come from Hell like me.
I don’t need sympathy; BUT I guess some feel the need to make others feel below them; no?
As for the zulm; I wish you and your family never have to go through problems such as mine.
Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
Deeba, thank you for the response.
I’ve got no problems with my husband splitting time between Pak/UK if he can make it work then that’s up to him. When we visited Pak he actually flew out way before me and little one did; so he could spend time with family.
As for sleeping in his Mothers room-my MIL was the one to critisise another family member for doing the same so I’m not even sure why she wants to do such a thing.
As for things changing with ILs. Not sure if that’s possible as they’ve just arranged my BILs marriage and although I cannot see why the match has been done; I’m staying quiet. I’ve asked my husband if his brother has been consulted; and that’s it. I’ve asked my BIL and he says he hopes his parents know best. That’s good enough for me as I feel I’ve done my duty as his brothers wife. As for my SILs-one isn’t happy with her engagement, she told me and I told my ILs. They said she’ll have to grow into it. I don’t want her to resent her brother; so I’ve told him too. He doesn’t think his parents will change. It’s a vicious cycle Deeba; I wouldn’t want any woman to feel pressured. It’s their life too you know.
Turning a blind eye isn’t an opinion to me; I wouldn’t want someone to turn a blind eye to something like that happening to me.
Ur mil like 99.9999999999% of them is screwed in the desi head
Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
Think of it this way: would you want your MIL to play a role in deciding who any of your siblings marry? Probably not, you'd probably tell her to mind her own business, or at least, you'd hide that sort of info from her and just let her find out when everyone else does.
She's doing the same thing. Your BIL is not your blood relative. So, meh, leave it alone. Let him do his own thing with his mother and father and immediate siblings.
I don't think I'd want my sister's husband involved in my marriage decisions, and I would not want her INLAWS involved either.
You're just not immediate family to your hubby's siblings, and as such, they're not going to involve you in very intimate affairs. That might be somewhat unfair, but I don't think it's entirely unexpected.
Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
Seems your major problem is why your in laws doesn't act on your opinions!!!
first of all everyone has different opinion on different matters and have logical reasons for their opinions. if your in laws opinion clashes with your that doesnt make them bad or pendu people.
secondly in no way one should interfere with others lifestyles and decisions. be it your in-laws family or your maika.
only because you have stated about Islam in above replies, i also then take this liberty to bring Islam into it and tell you that no where in Islam a MIL or in-laws are bound to tell their matters to DIL. also since many DIL say that they are not responsible to take care of parents in law by Islam then likewise the parents in law are also not responsible to take care of DIL. if they do take care its nice of them and earn them reward hereafter but if they dont it doesnt make them bad or evil.
and dear if they dont allow their girls not to acquire education after school level then how come it is unislamic? does Islam specify that you must attend to school,college,university to acquire education? NO. it doesnt. so if they dont allow this it doesnt make them pendu or u cant say they are following pre islamic traditions.
you want to educate ur daughter till highest level, go ahead but dont try to impose your opinion on them that they should do the same for their daughters too. and dont feel neglected if they dont share their personal things with you because they are not ought to.
Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
Ok sarcastic comments aside, I don’t get it.
What exactly are they doing that is “zulm” to you? It seems like you don’t live with them? He spends half the year with you or half the year with them? God so many long posts, can’t keep details straight.
Anyway, sounds like you’re annoyed that they’re making decisions without you.
You have no right in their family decisions. Simple.
And sounds like you’re trying to be the mother theresa to your sister in law’s who you think are being raised like taliban girls.
They’re adult girls. If they are willing to go into a marriage they’re not interested in, that’s their damn choice, and they’re going to live with those consequences. Welcome to the Pakistani Woman’s Club, where every girl gets married for the $$$, and girls who actually fall in love are not viewed as princesses, but as whores to do tauba tauba about (see my thread on sexual inuendos, where some people are admonishing me on even talking to a guy who occasionally gets cute with me).
I dunno, maybe you may have good values on some grounds, you can’t push them on people. And if you think these people are backwards, why did you even marry into the family?
Or did the guy just have a great job and education, and halfway decent looks?
Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
^wait what?
PCG so let me get this straight.
You marry into the family but you won't consider that family, your family?
I'm sorry but I thought you were desi.. surely you understand that marrying the guy means you marry the family too which means that you get to have opinions about their problems and you get the chance to voice them.
Its sad whats happening with your SIL, my SOs cousin was married off at 18 to a foreign guy whos much much older just because he was a "good" rishta... my SOs family was against it but what can you do? If the parents won't listen then theres nothing much you can do.
Also PCG, I'm sorry those "grown women" live with their parents, if they don't listen to them they get cut off and kicked out. You really think she wouldn't say anything against her parents if she wasn't afraid?
Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
@Kakee
you marry into the family and the family becomes urs. well this doesn't work one way. if you think its your family and you should interfere in their matters then you must also not raise eyebrows in in-laws interfere in ur matters because you see they can also justify this act by saying you have become part of their family and they can interfere and decide for you!! correct.
no room for double standards.
@ Pyari si gudia: :) no what you said about people in Pakistan that they cant expect and approve of girls falling in love and getting married is not correct. seems you still have the view of Pakistan of early 60's or 70's. things have changed and towards better a lot.
there are lot of love marriages taking place in between co-workers,fellow students, among cousins, among your neighbors etc.
in fact in urban set up a girl falling in love with her class mate and then marrying him is not considered a big thing.
Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama
ok princess jee, I am out of this discussion. If you want to keep fretting at issues that are beyond your control by all means, go ahead and make your life even 'better'. You dont like them controlling and dictating your daughter according to what they think id right but you want them to follow what you feel is right ? We all know all details in regards to morals and religion when it comes to OUR rights but dont want to think a bit when it is about our responsibilities or other people's rights.
Best of luck.