Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

Lifestyle Relationships
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Some will be aware that I unfortunately for my sins don’t get on with my khala/MIL-it’s old news now.

We visited Pakistan last year and my MIL didn’t bother with her grandaughter even when she was really sick. Her weird behaviour continued when I got back to the UK. After my little one was hospitalised with suspected Malaria she didn’t call to check on her (even though she was aware of the fact we were in Hospital with little one) until 30 days after. I’ve tried my darn hardest to ignore the down right petty behaviour but it gets to me as our little one is their first grandchild.

Anyhow, there was a potential ristaa for my BIL and we all got excited. My MIL didn’t take me to see the potential ristaa. She advertised to everyone that my BIL’s ristaa was confirmed even though the girls family didn’t give a response. My FIL gave the family 48 hours from the initial meeting to give a response. Clearly the girls family were smart and realised my in-laws are erm strange and declined to respond.

Now my in-laws are treating me like an outsider. Our bedroom has been given to my BIL, and after last years visit I don’t wish to visit Pakistan again as all my MIL use to talk about was my Fathers family and how they are bad.

There were also the ‘weird’ comments
about my husband not sleeping separately to me (as in he won’t sleep in his parents room anymore) and that I must wear make up because all westerners do as well as my hijab is just to show my inlaws.

The icing on the cake was the fact she actually said everyone in the west in doomed, no one has morals or care for their religion. I’ve ignored her for nearly 7 years, but it’s getting too much now.

There’s a lot that I seriously don’t agree with within the family, e.g. my SIL’s are not allowed to go University, however my BIL did. I’ve tried my best to stay civilised and give my opinion but it just gets pushed under the carpet so I’ve made a few decisions.

My MIL doesn’t listen to any suggestions and I’ve decided to just sit back and watch them all do whatever they want to. I’ve also decided to not visit Pakistan again if I can help it. It just adds to my depression (which is apparently my own doing, oh well). I need to stay strong for little one, and the only way I can see myself reducing stress, interferring and worry is to cut myself off and only deal with basic dealings.

Am I doing the right thing or should I still try and give my opinions? I feel for my SIL’s being treated as second class citizens but no one seems to care. My husband is just as bad; he sides with his parents and doesn’t really listen to anything anyone else says.

I know that within society I’m expected to have some kind of ‘position’ within the family structure however I don’t (yes I’m married to the oldest child). I’m not fussed about what others will say; however I’m worried about the future impact (if any) on the children.

Has anyone else been through a similar situation? How did you handle it?

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

You are not alone... there are many others in the same situation!

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

Thank you for that.

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

you cant change mentality of people. my khala has three son and one daughter. her 2nd son and daughter are treated as 2nd class citizen. we have tried to talk to them about it but son is now getting better as he is getting education and and their fav son didnt but with daughter its still same. they make weired remarks about her. she is allowed to go to school but thats it. there is no respect. i ended up asking my mum why her sis gave birth to her. they dont need her. if she is sick they joke about her dying. they make comments about her growing up quickly but that goes with years not that she just did. she is weak and her height is not growing too.

she has no desires of her own. i sent her expensive hair straightner as i did to all of my other cousins. she said that its no use to her and she doesnt use/need these stuff. i feel so sorry for her. i wish i could change things for her. i tried to tell her mum its wrong bt why would they listen.

you can not really change much. gift your sil alot. make her feel respected, by someone at leaset.

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

I'd keep my distance from now on...

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

Some families are still stuck in the stone age.

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

Roshni-I didn't expect to change her mentality. That would be like moving a mountain. However I wouldn't accept them (inlaws) treating my daughter as a second class citizen and I fear for them in regards to what they are doing. If you don't treat your own daughter with love and respect how can you expect her future in-laws to do that?

Reha-thank you for the support.

PCG-you are right. I have a feeling people in the stone ages may have actually used their brains slightly and listened a bit to others opinion.

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

wait
so does your husband have the same views? would he stop your daughter from getting educated?

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

I am in such a situation except that we've never had any direct confrontations so far. I am not informed about any major decisions/news at all and I usually get to know from my jethani or husband's cousins about them.All kids of sil's, etc get presents from mil whenever she visits, mine never get ANYTHING ever. I and jethani are the ONLY dil's from totally stranger families, rest of them have intermarriages of extreme types and each husband and wife can count atleast 10 relations they have with each other in addition to being spouses.So I have been clearly called "bahir wali" many times.

I used to feel bad and left out earlier and hopes things might change with time but I cannot change my blood to become "under wali" so this part will stay the same always. as for not being involved in their family matters or affairs, does it really make any difference to me? no ! I feel if I am made a part of all the "news",etc, there are more chances of me being dragged into any related family politics,etc which would just be an additional headache.

I live in another city and visit IL's every few weeks for a weekend or so. My room there is always occupied by sil or the " keys are misplaced " and things like that. I felt bad years ago but I dont get bothered anymore. I just ask her "kahan sona hai" and take kids to that room (which is always a different one from what was provided last time),get thankful to Allah I dont have to live in there 24/7, spend my time dressed up,cooking something special for lunch or dinner once,keep my bags packed up-to-date and come back home.

I dont buy gifts for anyone anymore unless husband tells me to or I just remind him of any birthdays or anniversaries so he knows I am concerned but buying gifts or not it not in my list anymore. and since I dont buy presents,I know I shouldn't deserve any either. easy?

for kids, I buy them stuff I like so their happiness or confidence is not dependant on how their grandmother treats them in a few days meetings. just that I take them to another room when mil is showering sil's kids with presents so they dont feel left out.

So, it's not difficult at all to make few modifications in how you perceive things. Allah has provided you a home of your own and your parents and siblings so you need not to be dependant on anyone else.

Araam se Pakistan jao, shadi enjoy karo aur wapis aao ! refusing to go will create problems between you and your husband.

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

Do they ignore/go against your opinions because those are your opinions or do they just do whatever they want to do anyway? If it's the former, you can express the opposite of your opinion, which might having them lean a little more towards what you want. Otherwise, my general policy is to not interfere in others' matters anyway. At most I'll mention my opinion casually when I think it's important, after which I consider my responsibility in the matter fulfilled.

As for the children, I don't think they'll really be affected by this much unless you let them be. As long as they'll feel loved by their parents, I don't see this as something to really worry about. What that means for you is to stop expecting what you're not going to get and don't let it bother you when you don't get it.

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

He can try all he wants. The doors open for him to leave if he thinks I'm going to treat my little girl like trash because his pendu family does that.

I've got a degree and I've spoken to my husband about education and he wants our little girl to get an education. However my MIL says all Westerners are doomed; so we should expect the worst. Lovely isn't it; positive attitude.

Prototype-I feel for you. May you have patience to deal with the situation.

Captain Obvious-I get asked for my opinion or else like you I don't like giving my opinion.

Oh well.

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

LOL
Why are westerners doomed exactly? Why did they agree to let you marry him?

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

Proto...you're a very patient person. I don't think I'd be able to do that. Honestly.

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

If they ask, then you can give it. No need to be disappointed if they don't act on it.

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

it's for the sake of my own sanity and peace...no one else would care if I am in a depressed and irritated mode all the time because of these unnecessary issues that I can easily live without :) it would be ONLY my own household and kids who'll be affected and they matter the most to me.

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

I missed this when writing up my post. Here's a good example of what you need to do. You can't control what the in laws do, but you can control how you react to it and how you let it affect you (well to some extent anyway).

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Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

Proto I admire your patience. Inlaw issues have started to not get to me as much anymore but I still need to take a page or two out of your book. It's so hard sometimes. But your absolutely right.

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

I agreed to the marriage because when we did meet he was actually a reasonable and polite person. He still can be when his family are not interferring. His family are quite good at putting on a front; sadly their real personalities and opinions came out after the wedding.
I've actually managed to accept their behaviour for eight years but now it feels like too much.

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

ignore*ignore*ignore !

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Re: Am I doing the right thing? MIL drama

I’m only wondering as to why your in laws want your husband to sleep with them and not with you ???:confused: