Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Serious answers please.

Let’s get this out of the way–I don’t drive. My issues/my reasons/my business. I can live with it (have been living with it for years!), but no one else seems to be able to stomach it and I get all sorts of poop for this.

Anyway, so I was invited to a kid’s birthday party…out in the suburbs, in the evening time.
I asked someone if i can come along with her. I would go to her place, and leave with her…she said she has a bunch of ppl going with her so she wouldn’t have room but if there’s no other way she’ll take me…
I said ok, no problem, I’ll figure something out.
So yesterday I brought it up again–she asked why can’t my husband take me–he’s not willing to drive 4+ hours just to pick/drop me off (the place is 1+ hour away by car one way). Public transportation–over 2 hours by train, and I would have to take a cab from the train station, which is another $20-25 total in fare. It might not seem like alot but I’m not working and I don’t treat the dude as a personal piggy bank…so it is.

I explained this to her and she said “I don’t know why this has to be so complicated for you.” she said she wasn’t frustrated, just pointing it out. I didnt’ say anything, I just said “k” and she asked if I wanna come with her and I said ok. Now, the more I think about it, I’m pretty irritated by it and I don’t want to go.
Btw, it’s not the first time she’s said something about my lack of driving, so I guess this is just a build up of past incidences where I never said anything.

I don’t know any people who are so…wha’ts the right word? kanjoos? when it comes to driving someone.
the thing is, I take the train/subway everywhere…in this city, the vast majority of ppl take public transportation, even if they have licenses. If I was working right now, I’d have no issue paying cab fare–in fact, when I was working, many times I would take a cab home if I came home late rather than wait too long for a bus. With this situation, I would be going to that person’s place so it’s not like she would be inconvenienced at all, by having to drive out of her way to come get me.
So I don’t think I’m being unreasonable at all…

I didn’t mean to make this longer or more complicated than intended…but I’m irritated–I dont’ want to go b/c I just don’t feel like embarrassing myself, when someone makes comments on how you don’t drive, and your husband don’t do this or that, or how u make things more complicated for yourself…it is humiliating to put yourself in that situation.
Honestly, I guess I’ve met so many people who are nice enough to offer to drop/pick…sometimes I’ll accept, but at least they have the grace to not say anything to my face or make me feel bad about it.

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

If it doesnt bother you not to have a driving license, she has no right to have an opinion about it. I seriously hate these kind of people who have the attitude. Maybe she wants you to pay a cut? Is that whats bothering her?

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

I think people get frustrated at the dependance.

The party is 2 hours away (there and back again) by car and 4 hours by public transport and you need to cab to and from station. Realistically if you don't want to bug your husband to take you there and are not willing to take the travel time and pay for cab then your answer to the party invite should have been "Nah, I dont have a way to get there". Your attendance at a party should not be dependant on a close person giving you a lift there and back, but rather you making your own way for the sake of attendance at the party. You should be able to "sort something out".

Your close person is making it more complicated than it needs to be, but in these situations you should wait to be offered a lift rather than request for one.

You dont drive for whatever reason, thats fair enough. Many people choose not to drive because for them its just alot easier to get around with public transport. But with that decision also comes you relying and being able to handle public transport to get to where ever you want. Shouldn't have to rely on another person (who is not your husband) to take you back and forth, even if its a close person.

I wouldn't say its kanjoos, just how people are. Some people don't like driving all that much and thats why they feel they are "used" when someone asks them for a lift. Others see driving as a pleasure and are more than happy to go out of their way to drive their friends. Also, I think its the fact that you brought it up twice. After saying you'd figure something out just leave it there. If she asked you again if you were able to sort something out, then it means it is in her mind that you needed to go. If she went further on to offer you a lift then it was obvious she'd love for you to come along. But I think she may have seen you as dependant when you asked twice.

Sorry, thats brutal honesty there.

Did your close person challenge your decision about not driving?

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

Hmmm it's a tricky one as having been on the receiving end of this kind of situation whereby people who don't or won't drive think that it shouldn't be that much of a deal for you to give them a lift someplace, I know how annoying it can be.

For me, it's not about the money - I would never dream of taking fuel money from anyone especially if I'm making that journey anyway - but more about having some 'me' time during the drive. I love driving, but find it irratating having a passenger with whom I feel obliged to make small talk with when all you want to do is crank up the volume and put the pedal to the metal. Also, it's very rare that you are truely not inconvenienced by having to give lifts to anyone. Even if they make their way to yours, you can't really leave or arrive to the schedule you would if you were going alone.

I would never judge someone or pass comments about why someone doesn't drive though and I can see why you would be hurt by that.

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

^but isnt the friend also going for the party as well? How can she feel like Sara is using her? I think close friends even when they have the ressorces to drive on their own often go along in group for longer trips.

But agree, when she had said no, you shouldnt have brought it up again.

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

That's the thing--I drove in HS for a bit but stopped, and I'm learning again, so still in the process. But I still think it's no one's business. I've never called you to come pick me up at night, if I have to , I will take a cab, so that person has no right to complain.

Ok I get what you're saying--so I don't really consider myself dependent as such. I've been commuting in this city for almost 10 years, so I can handle myself for the most part.....I take public transport on a daily basis, that's just how it is for me and I dont rely on anyone else for the day to day stuff. Now for special occasions, like weddings, then I do find other ways to get somewhere...

When I brought it up the first time, she did say that she wanted me to come, that's why I didn't hesitate in asking her or bringing it up a second time. And she wouldn't have been doing anything extra. I would have been going to her house and leave wiht her...not her drive to my place to get me so I dont' see how she'd be "used"....

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

Sorry but if you are unwilling to live in the real world and drive, then its no ones responsibility to be your chauffeur.

If you cant ask your husband, why do you think it okay to ask a friend? It doesnt matter if she is going to the same place as you, its not her job or responsibility to give you a ride.

You make it sound like she has driven you places before, and she has agreed to give you a ride this time, so I dont understand what your problem is? If she is irritable, she has every right to be because you cant do something so elementary and you are placing you and your husbands responsibility on her.

Just learn how to drive and stop asking people for rides, and get over yourself.

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

People sometimes don't like changing their plans because of actions of others, especially when they feel its an obligation. In her mind she had a set amount of people who are gonna go with her, who no doubt organised it themselves. Maybe she knows all the other people really well and was hoping for a "their group" catch up and Sara is not from their group.

Do you know the others who are going with her Sara?

I'm not saying what she did is fair or right. Nor am I saying what she did is wrong. I'm just explaining how she may be feeling.

I still stand that if you choose not to drive you should also choose to not ask others for a lift for the sake of your own convenience unless they offer. not because its the right or wrong thing to do. Just because people sometimes have their own plans and you may be impeding on it. Or if its a good friend ask once. But only once.

My own personal habits, I love driving and am more than happy to go even 1 hour out of my way to drop people off and I tend to do that whenever we go out.

Like I said I dont agree (or disagree for that matter) with your friend's actions. If anything I do find them to be rather mean. And after the way she agreed to drive you, I'd say nah screw that I'd rather find my own way there than hear you whinge and moan about it for an epoch afterwards.

Are you close friends with everyone else in her car?

Edit: For the sake of the thread let me give you an example. Last weekend we went out. We all met at someone's house and were gonna go out afterwards but I was the only one driving and there were about 15+ people going. I have four other spots in my car. I got asked to drive this girl and her man friend who really wanted to be driven. She's great and really fun, but I wanted to take my brother and my old mates from high school. And thats who I ended up taking.

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

Hmm that makes sense. But there would be others in the car too, and these are ppl i'm close to who otherwise wouldn't be bothered by my presence. If I'm getting a ride from someone, I stick to their schedule...

Exactly.

Yes, I do know the people and like I explained above, they know me and otherwise wouldn't have a problem wiht me being there. I don't see how her actions or plans would have been changed....I don't ask for this kind of favor often, so when I do, I would stick to that person's schedule.

I'm glad to have gotten a different perspective.

Like I said....I'm still learning so it's not like I absolutely refuse to get a license. I don't always ask, some people offer and sometimes I'll accept or refuse.

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

Well if you know the people going I'd say your close friend is just being a meany and unreasonable.

She said she had a full car. Do you know if someones being ditched to make room for you?

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

Yes…when she first asked me why I don’t drive, I gave her my reasons–which I thought were pretty valid. But after a while she just says u just always have excuses and make things complicated. She lives in the suburbs so she has to drive everywhere, and I get that…I’ve been living in the city all my life and haven’t had a need to drive until the last few years, so my needs were different. thats all.

:rolleyes:
Never anywhere in this thread I said or imply that I consider anyone my chaffeur.
Like I said, but you clearly missed or ignored, I don’t ask for this favor often. Only with very close people, and maybe 2-3 times in a year. I hardly think asking sometimes makes one dependent/freeloader/whatever you wanna call it.

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

Hmm, i think it's human nature that if you do something just a couple of times (in this case asking for a ride)...the other person thinks you do it all the time. Or maybe she already felt a bit annoyed with having to drive other people (before you talked to her)....and then when you came along (considering you've asked the same favor before)....it was sort of like a "last straw" frustration. Add to that, as Coughcough mentioned, k when you told her you'll figure something out....she assumed you did...and then asking her a second time made her feel a bit overwhelmed? Maybe it's not that the "other people" would be bothered by your presence...but maybe that she just doesn't feel comfortable with a crowded car? Some people (in this case the driver) are picky about space...."the more" ...isn't always the merrier for them.

Maybe she really wasn't feeling frustrated (like she told you) and said what she did as friendly advice. Or maybe she really was annoyed. Or she didn't feel like taking you. Who knows what her reason/motive was...you can only guess, right? You have more control over yourself than her. So, what are you going to do now? If this party means that much to you, you can figure out a way to get there without depending on her and telling yourself that you're grateful she helped you in the past and that you have enough self-respect to not hear any more lectures from her.......just shrug if off and be determined to have a good time at the party. Or...you can sit at home and simmer and develop a grudge...and if you consider her a friend, it'll put on a strain on the relationship...and you'll miss out on the party...and create more stress for yourself. Or....you can not attend the party, stop dwelling on it, and have fun in some other way.

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

is she your good FRIEND?

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

Nope. And the thing is, there are 2 drivers. and 2 cars...so...plenty of room (because i know the cars and amount of ppl). but she still says she has no room....but I didnt' point that out.

If she says something, I don't really challenge it and ask alot of questions, because i figure, it is what it is. on the other hand, if I say something, she keeps asking questions, which I answer, and then says I'm making up or coming up with excuses.

Anyway, I was pretty irritated by it, but I've cooled off. It's just I've never encountered so much attitude about this thing from anyone else, so it's helpful to get a little insight.

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

Your reasons to drive are perfectly. Why get a car when you dont need it enough for it to be a worthwhile purchase?

But as mentioned before with that decision you must also handle the decision to attend parties far away using public transport or just not attending.

Also you mentioned your friend lives in the suburbs. For people in the suburbs its very out of the norm for people to not drive. Yes people in the city dont need cars, but people in the suburbs sometimes forget that and are often shocked when they are told that someone who legally can drive does not know how to.

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

yeah, no, i'm not gonna stress over it, it's not worth the bad feelings and hassle.

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

You know Sara, I live in the same city and I can't tell you how many times people ask me or my husband for ride. I even get frustrated at my sister for constantly asking me to pick her up or drop her off somewhere even though she tries her best not to make me go out of my way.

I was pissed at my husband for taking his friend to his work that is 2 hr each way. Well my husband was like I go there anyway so why not just take him. Thing is, I've noticed its the same people who keeps asking for ride all the time. If its so inconvenient for you to go .. then just don't go (I don't mean you.. but those people).

You don't drive, that shouldn't be anyone else's business. Not many people drive here or even if you did drive and got a car.. where are you going to park :D .. Khair like someone said, if your husband isn't the one picking you and dropping you off, just don't go.

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

Yeah like RV said, more is not always merrier. I say these people are just being stingy sacks. Plus your friend sounds like the type who needs a good telling off.

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

Exactly. I drove in high school but then I started college in the middle of the city. spent 6 days a week in the city, where driving isn't very practical. Obv life is different now, and I definitely see the need for driving...s o it's not like I assume I will count on everyone else for hte rest of my life.
I have missed out on parties, but not because of transportaiton issues but other issues.

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Re: Am I being too sensitive or unreasonable?

"If she asked you again if you were able to sort something out, then it means it is in her mind that you needed to go. If she went further on to offer you a lift then it was obvious she'd love for you to come along. But I think she may have seen you as dependant when you asked twice."

I agree. I think this might be it. It is odd though, if you guys are going to 'exactly' the same party/event and back...its weird that she has an issue. Maybe, she didn't have enough space, or wasn't in the frame of mind to take another person, or whatever reason...but apparently she didn't want to take you,but because she is your friend after all she couldn't say no. Friends have a right to whine and complain now and then. Let's not take it to heart, we're all humans after all. Sometimes we just have bad days, and we're in a bad mood...you say she has taken you in the past and this time she just was a bit off. I was just thinking, maybe call her, cancel going with her. Tell her you feel its an inconvenience for her and you don't want to trouble her and you'll skip the party. (if she really wants to take you, she will insist, if not...well then, just let it go)