Re: Am I being too hard on her?
wow
thats crossing some boundaries
I wouldnāt let my sister look at my phone and neither would she o.O
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
In My Opinion You should rather try to get Friendly with You sisterā¦
Be her Best Mate , and try to guide her through this Teen age period with your wise advices rather than tightening the security ā¦
And its good that you being concernā¦
It would be better that you also tell her that you have came to know about those messages - so she would have some fear in her mind
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
What about your parents do they know the situation, is anyone else concern in the family or its just you
I normally would think so too, but iām glad I did. I wouldnt have looked if she didnt give me a reason to.. :s
Im just glad it was me who saw it and not our father.
I try! She knows she can always come to me with anything. Weāre 6 years apart, which makes it a little harder, but i honestly want nothing than to be close with her!
I have a younger brother, whoās 14. Him and I are super close! He openly talks to me about anything and everything. Heās never hid anything from me and willingly tells me things that average desi boys wouldnt tell anyone. 
Iām scared the people around her are guiding her towards a horrible pathā¦ and sheās not going to realize until itās too late. Maybe iām bring over protective. But with society the way it is, is it ok to be a little over protective? :hinna:
No one really judged the situation. Weāre going to have a family pow wow after dinner tomorrow, since thats when everyone (except my dad, whoās out of the country for business) will be home.
Maybe i just have a really bad case of the āeldest childā syndrome. Lolā¦ not sure.
Thanks!! I feel less insane now. 
Insha Allah, Iāll talk alone with her as well as with the fam so we all know whats going on, and so she knows sheās āon our radarā
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
i have a 15 yr old sis too who is not so desi like the family and i keep an eye on her too. another sister of mine is like a friend to her and im like her momā¦ she knows we are always watching over her. itās a scary age! i dont want her to get into bad company ever.
i think best is to keep on reminding her about her roots, culture and most importantly, religion. also make her your friendā¦ ask abt her friends.. and gently remind her how your family is different from her friends who may be more liberal
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
I understand where you are coming from.
Iāve two younger sisters as well. One of them is super religious so Iām not worried about her. The other is very western. I try to keep my eyes on both though from time to time. I talk a lot with them and my youngest brother as well. Shower them with questions, ask about their friends, their routines. Not inspecting questions like āwhy were u thereā more questions like āwhat did u doā- sort. It helps a lot, because this way I know a lot of their routines and friends and I know where I need to keep an extra eye or warn them against.
They all notice I ask a lot and they say my curiosity will kill me and I shouldnt ask so much, but I dont care. I will ask everything until I know. The key element is though to have a normal conversation and throw in your questions. Like I will tell about my friends, something stupid or annoy and then they will talk about theirs too. This way they dont have a āready madeā answer for me if I ask āhow is this or that friendā ..
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
Firstly, the fact that you sister was born in the U.S., grew up in a community with not many desis, did not get much exposure to desi culture, and have spent a total of 6 months out of 16 years in Pakistanā¦all this falls on your parents. Its seems from your post that your sister considers herself an āAmericanā firstā¦and thatās completely understandable based on the other information you provided. Sheās not able to relate to desi culture/values etc. the way you doā¦and thatās not her fault.
Secondly, I get the impression that this has been an on-going issue for years (ie. your sister not being ādesiā enough). I imagine her complaining about lack of freedom etcā¦this is not something new. What Iām confused about is why you, her older sister, is the one disciplining her?! Where are your parents? Even if your dad works a lot (including business travel)ā¦what about your mom?
There is absolutely no mention of your parents in all this. Their thoughtsā¦what they have done as parents to deal with this etc.
Who is this āeveryoneā that needs to be present after dinner in order to talk with your sister? Has your mother or father sat with her and talk to her about any of her behavior? And even if your father is travelling on businessā¦he still has access to phones, internet (Skype?) right? He can still get in touch with your sister if the situation is serious enough right?
As the eldest of 2 sisters, I find this highly disturbing. And my sisters are considerably younger than me (more than 6 years age difference). Unless you saw something that was an immediate threat to your sisterās safetyā¦what gave you the authority to discipline her? Why wasnāt it your mother that took away the phone and put the passwords on?
What exactly is your sister doing (or wanting to do) thatās so horrible? Has your sister or any of her friends ever actually done something that leads you to believe that they canāt be trusted? Does she hang out with a crowd of delinquent teenagers whoāre into partying, drugs, not going to school etc.?
If you continue to force Pakistani values on herā¦even though she was raised and considers herself to be more Americanā¦if you (and the family) gang up against herā¦it has a strong possibility to drive her away. Keep in mind that once she turns 18ā¦you canāt force her to stay in the house. Doing things like snooping through her phone and putting passwords on all family computers will only make her feel isolated, and make her lose respect for you. Iāve seen several cases of kids (desi and non-desi) who left home the minute they turned 18 due to behaviors like this. Heck I myself moved out of the house as soon as I graduated from college b/c my own mother had a habit of snooping through my stuff! So while you want to protect her and keep her safeā¦take the time to understand what HER values are, and where sheās coming from. B/C based on what youāve written so farā¦I donāt see your actions doing anything positive for her in the long-run.
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
I am sorry but I am not sure what behavior we are exactly talking about? What kind of stuff was on her cell phone?
Where are the parents in this situation that you are doing the parenting?
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
In simple words yes you are being too hard on her.
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
I donāt agree with the comments regarding your involvement. I am the eldest sibling and my parents trusted me with most of the disciplining and parenting - I personally donāt think there is anything wrong with that. If anything, I was in a better position because parents can often be out of touch especially in regards to this kind of stuff. Even if my parents did say anything to my siblings if they were doing stuff that is not acceptable in our family environment it would have gone in one ear and out of the other. Whereas what I said to say had a lot more impact.
But I donāt think taking away her stuff and stopping access is going to help if you want to look out for her in the long term.
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
I think its weird too as the eldest I wouldnāt invade my sisters privacy like that and Phalie is right you have no right to since youāre not her mother.
how daunting it must be to live in a family like that..
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
If I was your younger sister, because you took my phone away from me and tried to take all my freedom away, I would find it hard to tell you anything or be honest with you for a very long time and I would find better more secretive ways of doing things. Its not the right way to discipline in my opinion.
I dont have a younger sister, I have a little brother. We actually āquestionā eachother. SO i will sayā¦are you sure you want to do that - maybe think about it again and firmly but in a caring way advise each other.
You care and worry for your sister but I was 16 once and I grew up in a white area I can almost sympathise with her.
I think you are being too harsh on her by taking away her phone etc.
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
I totally agree with you since I also have a younger sister and my parents always ask me if its okay she does this or that. She also shares everything with me so I know whatās going on with her. My parents trust me to make the right decisions for her on their behalf becuase they know Iāve been through what she is going through now. The reason I think OP is not doing the right thing was because A) she shouldnāt snoop through her sisters phone etc (she should be able to talk to her) B) taking away computer/phone isnāt going to help and lastly C) embarrassing her infront of the family isnāt going to help. Sit her down and talk to
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
Wanted to clarify that I donāt think thereās wrong with OP being worried about the sister. But a 22-year-old herself has a lot of growing up to do. To be concerned and passing off her concerns to her parentsā¦ie. the true adults in the household is one thing. But to take it upon herself to act as the adult in the house and discipline the 16 year old (when she herself is 22)ā¦is ridiculous in my humble opinion.
I also found the statement that OP trusts her sister ironic. B/C if OP truly trusted her sisterā¦then she would not have snooped to begin with. Granted there are many teens out there who need the extra supervision due to their carelessnessā¦so Iām still wondering what exactly the 16-year-old has done to justify this amount of scrutiny.
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
You make it seem like 6 years is a generation gap between you and your sisterā¦and itās not that huge. I donāt know what it was that you saw on her phone and how bad it wasā¦but I also feel iffy about the phone and computer restrictionsā¦which can backfire. You were also a teenager onceā¦and maybe your parents were more stricter with you since you were the eldestā¦and maybe you had a different personality than your sisterā¦but despite that you know what being that age is like (the emotions/thoughts/interests/ups and downs that come with it)ā¦and you can use this reminder to bond with your sister. Show acknowledgement for her feelings rather than shun themā¦so she feels comfortable sharing with you. Guidance doesnāt necessarily have to come through imposing/chidingā¦it can come from having an open discussion as well where one doesnāt feel penalized. This is not to say that you shouldnāt be firmā¦but also have some flexibility as well.
I hope that youāre not (on even a subconscious level) viewing this as a āWell, if Iād get a phainti for thinking a certain wayā¦then so should my sister.ā ** Iām not accusing you of doing this**ā¦but an example comes to mind. My cousin (who was the eldest in her family)ā¦got married at 18. With the passing of her dadā¦she had to take on a parenting role. She got a job to help support her familyā¦and got married at 18 because of family pressure. As bright as she wasā¦she never went to collegeā¦her education was put on hold and the marriage was turbulent. Now thereās a 5-year-gap between her and her next younger sister. And when her younger sister had graduated high schoolā¦my cousin told her mom, āI got married at 18ā¦she should get married too.ā Even though she knew it wasnāt a wise decisionā¦she was repeating the same ārigidityā with her sister that she herself went through at that age. She had forgotten her own sentiments at that age (the desire to go to college, the desire for freedom, the need to find yourself before settling down). I hope you donāt take this the wrong wayā¦and again Iām not accusing youā¦but rather than match rigidity with equal rigidityā¦try to bond with your sister based on your understanding of what it was to be that age for you. Iām sure youāll find common ground with her.
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
First off, I stopped reading after about half way down. This is one thing I love about the desi community.. SO QUICK to pass judgement and point fingers before anything else
Well.. Iām going to go ahead and address a few points. 1) If my parents were the āblameā, Iām pretty sure all 4 of us, myself, my 2 brothers, and my sister, would all be in the same boat as far as ānot being desi enough.ā No one has EVER forced any sort of ideas or thoughts in our mind. Alhumdulilla, our parents have raised us to be individuals, but at the same time, not be ashamed of our roots.
And as far as my parents goā¦ I already mentioned my parents once, and Iāll mention the rest a little lower (in response to other comments)
Iām glad some people can relate. I donāt, and never did, think that Iām more fit to parent than our parents. But yes, considering, even if my parents have been in the states for most of their life, and what have you, they were raised in Pakistan and still have some of the āold schoolā ways. They, obviously, know that I grew up in the same environment that my siblings are in now, and being the eldest, they trust my judgement.
As far as taking her stuff away goes, itās not like Iām taking it away for ever.
When a child is given privileges, if they misbehave, or make a mistake, they are punished. Iām not going to hit her or yell at her (I donāt beleive in either of those two being a way to solve any issue), so I take something away from her.
Yes, we do have skype and we do communicate with our father when heās away . But Iām surely not going to tell my dad āHey Baba, while youāre away stressing about what youāre doing, thereās something non-life threatening going on at home that I think I need to add to your platter of stresses.ā
The discussion that was to be had after dinner was not intended to be a āgang upā of any sort. LOL!!! Most families actually discuss their problemsā¦ as a familyā¦ and come to a solutionā¦** Together**? WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!?! :o Lolā¦ (This little bit is just for you, Paheli) 
Iāll give you that. I would have hated it if someone went through my stuff. Not because I have any thing to hide, but yea, everyone has their own privacy. Youāre absolutely right. But, if Iām given a reason to be worried, Iām gona go ahead and follow my instinct and try and stop a mistake or problem before it occurs. If that causes me to invade someoneās privacy, as long as that person is my family member, and Iām doing it for their best interest, I personally see nothing wrong with that. Thatās my opinion. And you see something wrong with that, and thatās your opinion But having right or not.. Thatās not the question that was being asked. Lolā¦ If I felt I had no right, I would have let my mother handle it. Whichā¦ over all, Iām not going to make any decisions with out my motherās consent. I know enough to know that my mom would not be upset over my (temporarily) taking my sisterās phone. After we talked, again, as a family, what happens from there, would be based on the assessment of the situation, from my momās point of view.
Yeah, again, taking her phone and use of the internet is solely based on what I found. (Thatās not part of this discussion.) Iām not taking her freedom away. Iām not stopping her from thinking, having her own thought or personality, not am i āforcing Pakistani values on herāā¦ Still not sure what are considered āPakistani valuesā. We do talk, and she tells me about the attention she gets from boys, and naturally, what girl doesnāt like attention, right? And I have to be the one to explain to her that that sort of attention doesnāt lead to good things..
But back to what you were saying, yea I agree. I know it wasnāt a rational decision, on my part, but at the time, I had nothing else I could do. It was 2am (LOL) and everyone else in the house was sleeping. I wasnāt going to sit down and give her a lecture, and then not say anything to my rents. I did tell her I was really disappointed in her, and expected her to know better. I asked her to go to sleep, and told her we would talk tomorrow.
Iām not going to sit here and say that my family is 100% westernized, because weāre not. We donāt attend EVERY desi gathering, because, believe it or not, they are pointless and a waste of time, for the most part. My parents donāt stop us from doing most things that the āaverageā Pakistani family doesnāt allow their children to doā¦ But at the same time, we KNOW who we were, were weāre from, and what we represent.
Point A and B have been answered above. No use repeating myself again.
So has Cā¦ but .. again.. embarrassing her? LOL.
So because I prefer to speak about an issue that affects the family as a whileā¦ with my familyā¦ Iām embarrassing her?
Not all families are the same, yes, but my family talk things out. We donāt just brush things under the rug and wait for them to go away.