Re: Am I being too hard on her?
wow
thats crossing some boundaries
I wouldn't let my sister look at my phone and neither would she o.O
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
In My Opinion You should rather try to get Friendly with You sister....
Be her Best Mate , and try to guide her through this Teen age period with your wise advices rather than tightening the security ...
And its good that you being concern...
It would be better that you also tell her that you have came to know about those messages - so she would have some fear in her mind
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
What about your parents do they know the situation, is anyone else concern in the family or its just you
I normally would think so too, but i’m glad I did. I wouldnt have looked if she didnt give me a reason to.. :s
Im just glad it was me who saw it and not our father.
I try! She knows she can always come to me with anything. We’re 6 years apart, which makes it a little harder, but i honestly want nothing than to be close with her!
I have a younger brother, who’s 14. Him and I are super close! He openly talks to me about anything and everything. He’s never hid anything from me and willingly tells me things that average desi boys wouldnt tell anyone. 
I’m scared the people around her are guiding her towards a horrible path… and she’s not going to realize until it’s too late. Maybe i’m bring over protective. But with society the way it is, is it ok to be a little over protective? :hinna:
No one really judged the situation. We’re going to have a family pow wow after dinner tomorrow, since thats when everyone (except my dad, who’s out of the country for business) will be home.
Maybe i just have a really bad case of the “eldest child” syndrome. Lol… not sure.
Thanks!! I feel less insane now. 
Insha Allah, I’ll talk alone with her as well as with the fam so we all know whats going on, and so she knows she’s “on our radar”
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
i have a 15 yr old sis too who is not so desi like the family and i keep an eye on her too. another sister of mine is like a friend to her and im like her mom... she knows we are always watching over her. it's a scary age! i dont want her to get into bad company ever.
i think best is to keep on reminding her about her roots, culture and most importantly, religion. also make her your friend... ask abt her friends.. and gently remind her how your family is different from her friends who may be more liberal
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
I understand where you are coming from.
I've two younger sisters as well. One of them is super religious so I'm not worried about her. The other is very western. I try to keep my eyes on both though from time to time. I talk a lot with them and my youngest brother as well. Shower them with questions, ask about their friends, their routines. Not inspecting questions like "why were u there" more questions like "what did u do"- sort. It helps a lot, because this way I know a lot of their routines and friends and I know where I need to keep an extra eye or warn them against.
They all notice I ask a lot and they say my curiosity will kill me and I shouldnt ask so much, but I dont care. I will ask everything until I know. The key element is though to have a normal conversation and throw in your questions. Like I will tell about my friends, something stupid or annoy and then they will talk about theirs too. This way they dont have a "ready made" answer for me if I ask "how is this or that friend" ..
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
Firstly, the fact that you sister was born in the U.S., grew up in a community with not many desis, did not get much exposure to desi culture, and have spent a total of 6 months out of 16 years in Pakistan......all this falls on your parents. Its seems from your post that your sister considers herself an "American" first....and that's completely understandable based on the other information you provided. She's not able to relate to desi culture/values etc. the way you do......and that's not her fault.
Secondly, I get the impression that this has been an on-going issue for years (ie. your sister not being "desi" enough). I imagine her complaining about lack of freedom etc......this is not something new. What I'm confused about is why you, her older sister, is the one disciplining her?! Where are your parents? Even if your dad works a lot (including business travel).....what about your mom?
There is absolutely no mention of your parents in all this. Their thoughts....what they have done as parents to deal with this etc.
Who is this "everyone" that needs to be present after dinner in order to talk with your sister? Has your mother or father sat with her and talk to her about any of her behavior? And even if your father is travelling on business....he still has access to phones, internet (Skype?) right? He can still get in touch with your sister if the situation is serious enough right?
So I took away her cell phone and put passwords on all the family computers and laptops.
As the eldest of 2 sisters, I find this highly disturbing. And my sisters are considerably younger than me (more than 6 years age difference). Unless you saw something that was an immediate threat to your sister's safety.....what gave you the authority to discipline her? Why wasn't it your mother that took away the phone and put the passwords on?
What exactly is your sister doing (or wanting to do) that's so horrible? Has your sister or any of her friends ever actually done something that leads you to believe that they can't be trusted? Does she hang out with a crowd of delinquent teenagers who're into partying, drugs, not going to school etc.?
If you continue to force Pakistani values on her....even though she was raised and considers herself to be more American......if you (and the family) gang up against her.....it has a strong possibility to drive her away. Keep in mind that once she turns 18....you can't force her to stay in the house. Doing things like snooping through her phone and putting passwords on all family computers will only make her feel isolated, and make her lose respect for you. I've seen several cases of kids (desi and non-desi) who left home the minute they turned 18 due to behaviors like this. Heck I myself moved out of the house as soon as I graduated from college b/c my own mother had a habit of snooping through my stuff! So while you want to protect her and keep her safe.....take the time to understand what HER values are, and where she's coming from. B/C based on what you've written so far.....I don't see your actions doing anything positive for her in the long-run.
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
I am sorry but I am not sure what behavior we are exactly talking about? What kind of stuff was on her cell phone?
Where are the parents in this situation that you are doing the parenting?
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
In simple words yes you are being too hard on her.
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
I don't agree with the comments regarding your involvement. I am the eldest sibling and my parents trusted me with most of the disciplining and parenting - I personally don't think there is anything wrong with that. If anything, I was in a better position because parents can often be out of touch especially in regards to this kind of stuff. Even if my parents did say anything to my siblings if they were doing stuff that is not acceptable in our family environment it would have gone in one ear and out of the other. Whereas what I said to say had a lot more impact.
But I don't think taking away her stuff and stopping access is going to help if you want to look out for her in the long term.
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
I think its weird too as the eldest I wouldn't invade my sisters privacy like that and Phalie is right you have no right to since you're not her mother.
how daunting it must be to live in a family like that..
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
If I was your younger sister, because you took my phone away from me and tried to take all my freedom away, I would find it hard to tell you anything or be honest with you for a very long time and I would find better more secretive ways of doing things. Its not the right way to discipline in my opinion.
I dont have a younger sister, I have a little brother. We actually 'question' eachother. SO i will say.......are you sure you want to do that - maybe think about it again and firmly but in a caring way advise each other.
You care and worry for your sister but I was 16 once and I grew up in a white area I can almost sympathise with her.
I think you are being too harsh on her by taking away her phone etc.
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
I don't agree with the comments regarding your involvement. I am the eldest sibling and my parents trusted me with most of the disciplining and parenting - I personally don't think there is anything wrong with that. If anything, I was in a better position because parents can often be out of touch especially in regards to this kind of stuff. Even if my parents did say anything to my siblings if they were doing stuff that is not acceptable in our family environment it would have gone in one ear and out of the other. Whereas what I said to say had a lot more impact.
But I don't think taking away her stuff and stopping access is going to help if you want to look out for her in the long term.
I totally agree with you since I also have a younger sister and my parents always ask me if its okay she does this or that. She also shares everything with me so I know what's going on with her. My parents trust me to make the right decisions for her on their behalf becuase they know I've been through what she is going through now. The reason I think OP is not doing the right thing was because A) she shouldn't snoop through her sisters phone etc (she should be able to talk to her) B) taking away computer/phone isn't going to help and lastly C) embarrassing her infront of the family isn't going to help. Sit her down and talk to
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
Phalie is right you have no right to since you're not her mother.
Wanted to clarify that I don't think there's wrong with OP being worried about the sister. But a 22-year-old herself has a lot of growing up to do. To be concerned and passing off her concerns to her parents....ie. the true adults in the household is one thing. But to take it upon herself to act as the adult in the house and discipline the 16 year old (when she herself is 22)....is ridiculous in my humble opinion.
I also found the statement that OP trusts her sister ironic. B/C if OP truly trusted her sister...then she would not have snooped to begin with. Granted there are many teens out there who need the extra supervision due to their carelessness......so I'm still wondering what exactly the 16-year-old has done to justify this amount of scrutiny.
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
You make it seem like 6 years is a generation gap between you and your sister....and it's not that huge. I don't know what it was that you saw on her phone and how bad it was....but I also feel iffy about the phone and computer restrictions....which can backfire. You were also a teenager once.....and maybe your parents were more stricter with you since you were the eldest....and maybe you had a different personality than your sister........but despite that you know what being that age is like (the emotions/thoughts/interests/ups and downs that come with it)...and you can use this reminder to bond with your sister. Show acknowledgement for her feelings rather than shun them...so she feels comfortable sharing with you. Guidance doesn't necessarily have to come through imposing/chiding....it can come from having an open discussion as well where one doesn't feel penalized. This is not to say that you shouldn't be firm....but also have some flexibility as well.
I hope that you're not (on even a subconscious level) viewing this as a "Well, if I'd get a phainti for thinking a certain way...then so should my sister." ** I'm not accusing you of doing this**....but an example comes to mind. My cousin (who was the eldest in her family)....got married at 18. With the passing of her dad...she had to take on a parenting role. She got a job to help support her family....and got married at 18 because of family pressure. As bright as she was...she never went to college...her education was put on hold and the marriage was turbulent. Now there's a 5-year-gap between her and her next younger sister. And when her younger sister had graduated high school...my cousin told her mom, "I got married at 18...she should get married too." Even though she knew it wasn't a wise decision...she was repeating the same "rigidity" with her sister that she herself went through at that age. She had forgotten her own sentiments at that age (the desire to go to college, the desire for freedom, the need to find yourself before settling down). I hope you don't take this the wrong way....and again I'm not accusing you....but rather than match rigidity with equal rigidity.....try to bond with your sister based on your understanding of what it was to be that age for you. I'm sure you'll find common ground with her.
Re: Am I being too hard on her?
First off, I stopped reading after about half way down. This is one thing I love about the desi community.. SO QUICK to pass judgement and point fingers before anything else
Well.. I’m going to go ahead and address a few points. 1) If my parents were the “blame”, I’m pretty sure all 4 of us, myself, my 2 brothers, and my sister, would all be in the same boat as far as “not being desi enough.” No one has EVER forced any sort of ideas or thoughts in our mind. Alhumdulilla, our parents have raised us to be individuals, but at the same time, not be ashamed of our roots.
And as far as my parents go… I already mentioned my parents once, and I’ll mention the rest a little lower (in response to other comments)
I’m glad some people can relate. I don’t, and never did, think that I’m more fit to parent than our parents. But yes, considering, even if my parents have been in the states for most of their life, and what have you, they were raised in Pakistan and still have some of the “old school” ways. They, obviously, know that I grew up in the same environment that my siblings are in now, and being the eldest, they trust my judgement.
As far as taking her stuff away goes, it’s not like I’m taking it away for ever.
When a child is given privileges, if they misbehave, or make a mistake, they are punished. I’m not going to hit her or yell at her (I don’t beleive in either of those two being a way to solve any issue), so I take something away from her.
Yes, we do have skype and we do communicate with our father when he’s away . But I’m surely not going to tell my dad “Hey Baba, while you’re away stressing about what you’re doing, there’s something non-life threatening going on at home that I think I need to add to your platter of stresses.”
The discussion that was to be had after dinner was not intended to be a “gang up” of any sort. LOL!!! Most families actually discuss their problems… as a family… and come to a solution…** Together**? WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!?! :o Lol… (This little bit is just for you, Paheli) 
I’ll give you that. I would have hated it if someone went through my stuff. Not because I have any thing to hide, but yea, everyone has their own privacy. You’re absolutely right. But, if I’m given a reason to be worried, I’m gona go ahead and follow my instinct and try and stop a mistake or problem before it occurs. If that causes me to invade someone’s privacy, as long as that person is my family member, and I’m doing it for their best interest, I personally see nothing wrong with that. That’s my opinion. And you see something wrong with that, and that’s your opinion But having right or not.. That’s not the question that was being asked. Lol… If I felt I had no right, I would have let my mother handle it. Which… over all, I’m not going to make any decisions with out my mother’s consent. I know enough to know that my mom would not be upset over my (temporarily) taking my sister’s phone. After we talked, again, as a family, what happens from there, would be based on the assessment of the situation, from my mom’s point of view.
Yeah, again, taking her phone and use of the internet is solely based on what I found. (That’s not part of this discussion.) I’m not taking her freedom away. I’m not stopping her from thinking, having her own thought or personality, not am i “forcing Pakistani values on her”… Still not sure what are considered “Pakistani values”. We do talk, and she tells me about the attention she gets from boys, and naturally, what girl doesn’t like attention, right? And I have to be the one to explain to her that that sort of attention doesn’t lead to good things..
But back to what you were saying, yea I agree. I know it wasn’t a rational decision, on my part, but at the time, I had nothing else I could do. It was 2am (LOL) and everyone else in the house was sleeping. I wasn’t going to sit down and give her a lecture, and then not say anything to my rents. I did tell her I was really disappointed in her, and expected her to know better. I asked her to go to sleep, and told her we would talk tomorrow.
I’m not going to sit here and say that my family is 100% westernized, because we’re not. We don’t attend EVERY desi gathering, because, believe it or not, they are pointless and a waste of time, for the most part. My parents don’t stop us from doing most things that the “average” Pakistani family doesn’t allow their children to do… But at the same time, we KNOW who we were, were we’re from, and what we represent.
Point A and B have been answered above. No use repeating myself again.
So has C… but .. again.. embarrassing her? LOL.
So because I prefer to speak about an issue that affects the family as a while… with my family… I’m embarrassing her?
Not all families are the same, yes, but my family talk things out. We don’t just brush things under the rug and wait for them to go away.