LOL i cant believe im asking this. LOL ive always been the one to make up my own mind about such issues in life and stick to them no matter what but now…
my mom’s been eating my head for two weeks now. “your age your age your age” you must get married now. i said f*ck my age. i dont think im suitable for this tough commitment. i think i pissed her off. i understand she’s thinking as a mother. but why should i make my life troublesome? atleast i dont have (God forbid) any serious problems now. my mom says you should not be scared of taking risks. and she said why i am so paranoid that it is gonna be a bad decision. she tried to assure me it’s gonna be good. but my heart cannot accept. ive tried convincing myself. i cannot. if i was 22/23, i know i would have been carried away by the emotions, said yes and suffer the consequence good or bad. but at this point, i think it would be a plain stupidity to take a chance. tell me why should i?
my mom says she feels guilty. they dont have arranged/not arranged issues. she said anything and anyone you want, just tell us. but is it … SUCH A DIFFICULT DECISION!!!
TheNewWannaBe --- I believe I can understand....however I've been told that nobody is ever really "ready" for such a huge commitment. I think you have to take matters in stride.It would be silly to stick to one view without giving all the rest your fullest consideration. I think you should sit down and really think things through.Your mum probably has your best interests at heart.Plus you never know unless you give it a try. :p
Don't worry. You can grow old alone and be one of those elderly spinsters sitting in her rocking chair cackling away surrounded by cats and the smell of cat pee....
Actually, I can’t make fun of you yet. My dadi wasn’t married when she was your age… you’ve got one more grace year left then I turn viciously and brutally against you
MQ, i know she feels obligated so i dont blame her. it hurt me cz i think i hurt her cz i lost it when she was insisting. yeah she only wants to see a green signal from my side. she had never insisted on this before. it was my father before when we went to pakistan. now he has given up or maybe he understands that it would be difficult for me to meet the demands of such a relationship. and long time ago i had told him to forget about this and he knows how ziddi i am. but now my mom. i think she has started to reconsider the possibility. maybe it is cz she knows i am not too "happy" living alone. she told me and i understand that but i dont want to land in a situation and regret forever for choosing to be there in the first place. that's what i told her but she kept quiet and only stared at me like she was hurt when my voice went loud and bitter and i dont even remember what i said in anger. i feel bad but still i cant compensate talking to her like that by giving her something good.
MQ, i know what you're saying but you know, getting rid of these fears... well, you know it is not easy. it's a big decision.
Pathar ki zaban - LOL, yeah she knows "koi nahi hai". kiyun nahi hai that too she knows and that's what the whole thread is about. she wants me to have someone.
maddy - whose pee would i have to smell if i got married?
Mehnaz - yeah that's the thing. maybe my mom was thinking i would grow up to feel the neccessity but now she seems worried.
If a person is not ready they are NOT ready, if a person doesn not want something than they DO NOT want it no matter what. I know when I want something and when I’m ready, always. Of course my mom has my best interest at heart however, she does not truly know what will be good for me, because she is NOT me. Tell your mom to lay off of course in a nice way. Just keep in mind to always stay stronge or else you will fall!
Of course there is nothing wrong with that, however dear you will not have dogs you will have kids running around and yelling, than you will start yelling at your husband. It will be fun The only time you will be alone is when your husband and the kids are out of the house. Remember the best things come to those who wait
TNWB: Would you mind me asking, why you feel you are not ready for it? Is it something you are afraid of, like a bad relationship you have seen with a loved one etc etc?
you donthave to answer if you dont want to.... I hope i am not being too nosey.
I understand. But I think you should talk to your mum and make sure you guys make up after the disagreement. These things always happen.You’ll feel a lot better if you talk to her and apologise for losing your cool. I think also tell your ammi not to worry.Dont say “never” - say “InshAllah” you’ll see about it when you meet the right person. I think just give your ammi comfort that things will be alright.
Of course its scary!!! I mean its the decision of a life time.But you have to have some faith and hope in people. Who knows, you might change your mind tomorrow or next month! Keep your options open, dont close yourself in.
Majestic-- There are some people who ARE ready but think they are not. It happens. Esp with big decisions.Sometimes we DO need a little reminder.However, in the end it is up to the individual.
I have seen many married men having relationships… only for sex. My idea is that men will be men and it is closed to impossible for them not to have a relationship outside their marriage. This is something I just cannot accept my man doing. You know, men are… LOL I can remember PCG now.
Men are demanding and they change. Who you meet before marriage changes into a monster. You know you can never know what kind of a monster is hidden inside an educated, decent looking man. (that’s why I said maybe Im being cynical cz Im expecting the worse)
I am just scared. I visualise marriage to be a sacred relationship. I have a bad temper and do not think twice when angry. Ofcourse, there are troubles in every relationship. So ofcourse I expect to face troubles but I know I would be poor in handling those problems. So, what would be the outcome? Seperation? This is not what I imagine this sacred contract to be. My idea of it is very pure and it should not fail.
My freedom. I think I would lose my freedom. You know, this happens. I can do anything I want, go anywhere I want, wear anything I want without anyone questioning me. But would it stay the same? I doubt it and cannot accept that.
This same thing my sister mentioned to my mom two days ago, “She has habits which someone living in Pakistan would find hard to accept. She’s not used to answering questions” My mom said, “We would get her an open minded guy who would not question. There are many who would give anything to marry her” I said, “And after he has accomplished his ‘mission’, he would be that same little monster I fear after the mask is gone.” My mom had no answer then she said, “We would find you someone living in the west who understands and accepts these things are normal.” I said, “Yeah sure, in that case, I may have objections to things which he thinks are ‘normal’ but I may not find them normal.” Then again she had no answer. Then she started that age bull. That’s when things got heated up.
But most of all, Ira, Im scared of being cheated on. It’s hard to accept a man would not cheat in his life time.
MQ - thank you
Actually, all these years, this is what I had been telling them… “it would happen when the time is right”. I always told them I would tell them whenever I feel I am ready but, honestly by now, I feel that I would never be ready. I feel I cannot live with someone else. I think I’ve got too used to living a lonely and selfish life. I am not answerable to anyone right now. I have no commitments. I have to make no sacrifices. And I’ve got too much used to it. I think adapting would be difficult. You know, sleeping alone, no physical demands, etc. etc. etc. you know… but thanks for your words
My mom knows I’ve been ready for a while now but “I” knew I just wasnt. Yeah maybe you are right but I HATE when people interfear in My business and tend to remind me of crap I dont want to hear.
shadi kar hi loa yaar, is sai pehlai kai life cheats on u...
there'll come a time when even yr parents will stop getting bothered, n u'll be like....kash mairi zabardasti hi shadi kara daitai...
TNWB: I kinda knew that this is all you are thinking but didnt want to implicate I am not going to try to make you do something you arent comfortable with but i would like to say what i think.
You are absolutely right. Many married men are in it for the sex. But in my experience it has mostly been non-desi (read typical americans) who had that attitude. I have guys hit on me even after i was engaged and when i remind them, they say, so what? I was shocked. Marriage vows and their sacridity doesnt mean anything to them. HOWEVER not all men are the same. I have alot of guy friends and not once have they ever crossed their limits of being a friend only. So, there are some decent guys out there, you just wait till you bump into them. My fiancee cannot even tease me abt looking at other girls etc. He tries but he just isnt cut out for it. Even before i knew him as well i know him now, i knew when he made a committement, he will stick with it, InshaAllah.
Yes men are demanding. And so are women. I say i am perhaps more demanding than he is. He doesnt point out things in me and tells me to change myself. I am free to do whatever MaashaAllah. But he also expects me to have the same attitude with him. And i admit its hard. I even pointed it out to him that he never tells me to wear a certain color or make my hair a certain way etc etc. I know thats silly of me. He gives me plenty of choice and sometimes i dont know what the heck to do with it So bottom line: We just have to get used to each other and accept the other person for who they are. Dont expect to change him and tell him beforehand what you can and cannot tolerate.
I am also known to have a bad temper. Its not something i am proud of. I am trying to control else it will control me and my life, in the negative sense. ANd i dont want that. Just have faith in yourself. When you meet someone you really like, i am sure he will be able to put up with ALL of you. Not the stuff he likes. Thats the defintion of a good man, and no he doesnt have to perfect to do all that.
I dont want to repeat what i already said but this goes back to (2). You SHOULDNT have to lose your freedom. Marriage is about a partnership, not a hierarchy. Both him and you should and would understand that both of you had a life before meeting each other. And that life doesnt stop with your marriage.
I say, give it a chance. If you are afraid of meeting someone through family, try meeting folks on your own. You dont have to change your own identity inorder to lead a happy married life. You m ight not be but I am optimistic for you that InshaAllah when you feel you are ready, you will find such a person. Good luck!
TNWB - Hey, you have to do what you think is right for your life, you are the only one living it. When you find the right person, you know it. I just hope when you do find the right person, that you don't lose them because of this fear you have (which everyone has, I have thought these things also). Character of a person doesn't change overnight. If someone is a certain way all their life, then they will continue to be that way to the end.
Sometimes you can't rationalize things, you have to take some things on faith. Marriage and love are like that.
Anyway, I plan on having doggies instead of cats.
The only time you will be alone is when your husband and the kids are out of the house. Remember the best things come to those who wait 
thank you
I am trying to control else it will control me and my life, in the negative sense. ANd i dont want that. Just have faith in yourself. When you meet someone you really like, i am sure he will be able to put up with ALL of you. Not the stuff he likes. Thats the defintion of a good man, and no he doesnt have to perfect to do all that.