Mirch
July 31, 2009, 12:54pm
38
:hinna:
I dont think any sort of help in the world could help me… I’ve BEEN through this all before. I’ve seen 3 separate psychologists, 1 after my divorce, once when I got really depressed and did something extremely retarded, and 1 that was recommended by a good friend of mine. Most of them said I have commitment issues, that im insecure, I havent grieved properly… then the third one asked what my relationship was like with my first and I told her it was a pretty good one… I did take alot of crap from him too at times, like I was very submissive always doing what he wanted sometimes ignoring my own wants and needs and just doing what made him happy, but for the most part I was genuinely happy and very much in love too… and she said maybe I consider it perfect now because everything else afterward was pure garbage but maybe im fooling myself into believing that the first one was perfect too cuz thats all I ever knew… and she thinks that Im trying to be the one in control this time… thats why I use and discard men at whim… I have to admit yeah I do like the power and control over a man especially when in my marriage I had none of that… sometimes I just feel like no man could ever understand me and most times I just dont feel like anyone is worthy of having me around for more than a few days… I dont want to be exclusive for anyone… I dont think anyone is good enough for anything beyond a shoulder to lean on or a timepass activity that makes me happy.
Another thing I noticed about myself is I never did anything like this when I was with my family… for instance when I was living with my father and siblings I would have personal problems, sure, but I never ever searched for answers or support outside my house. It was almost always my father I ran to and if he wasnt there right away, then my brother could make it all better and if I still had that impatient feeling, a phonecall to my mother would usually calm me down. I dont have that anymore. The family is all over the place, my father is up there with the angels… the rock that kept me in check wont be here to help me out anymore and I already feel a baychaini like im gonna spiral out of control again.
Luckily my fiance is a really good friend of mine who has always been there… he knows most of my life story and my demons… not so much my use and abuse pattern but my unhealthy penchant for unloading my emotions on another individual making it their headache and then running away.
I think I’ll take everyone’s advice and still see a professional as soon as I get the chance to.
Thanks everyone.
Since you have seen a psychologist , now see a psychiatrist . Your problem seems a combination of both. Only a professional psychiatrist can make a determination if you need a treatment.