Re: Age Differences
We need to cut off the supply..
(And ppl say the girls are 'too picky'.. As if)
Re: Age Differences
My uncle married for the second time at 42 and he had one child (his first wife died)..
He chose someone who was 36 with two kids of her own.. Most of the family were happy but one of my aunts said he should have gone for someone in her early twenties and never married.. basically a twenty year gap so he could have more kids.. Ridiculous.. They have had one more now anyway..
Re: Age Differences
Wait why is it that the man MUST be older than his wife??
Are you gonna be one of those girls who won't let her son talk to girls his own age?
Well, I have actually met people where the lady is older but you would never guess.
There was one couple...the wife was TEN years older than her husband but she looked much younger than him. Another couple where wife was four years older but again...unless she told me I'd never have guessed.
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My mom is 1 year older than my dad. There's no rule that says the husband MUST be older. It all boils down to the couple and their families and what their values/beliefs are.
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Obviously there are exceptions, but in general, men prefer younger women and women prefer older men. I read a study a while ago that found that an age gap of 3 (or maybe 2) to 5 years, among other things including similar cultures and values, yielded the best chance of avoiding divorce. Again, there are obviously exceptions.
Desis definitely take it too far though. 25 is too old? GTFO woman.
Re: Age Differences
Personally I think +/- 3 years is alright. Eventually it comes down to the people involved.
A mature 24 year old guy is much better than an immature 30 year old IMO.
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What really peeves me off is divorced men with 1+ kid(s) who want young, single girls and often get them too. I know of a couple cases in my social circle. One guy (34, recently divorced, 2 kids, US citizen, rich) got married to a 22 year old, single girl in Pakistan who comes from a well-off, highly educated family. Their marriage was arranged, so it's not like they got to know each other beforehand to ensure they'd be compatible. Makes me wonder if she did it for US citizenship. They got married within 3 months of his divorce. His earlier marriage lasted 8 years.
One more case, this guy is in Pakistan in his mid 40's...currently married with 5 kids...took a second wife who is in her 20's. He is a wahabi molwi by the way and didn't tell his first wife before marrying the second. He now has 2 kids from the second wife. His first wife was average looking. I've heard the second wife is really pretty. His reasoning for marrying her was to help provide shelter and financial security for her because she was in need. But so, why not tell your first wife before the deed? Even better, why not try to find this poor girl someone her age who can take responsibility for her?
God knows better what's going on in people's heads.
Re: Age Differences
What really peeves me off is divorced men with 1+ kid(s) who want young, single girls and often get them too. I know of a couple cases in my social circle. One guy (34, recently divorced, 2 kids, US citizen, rich) got married to a 22 year old, single girl in Pakistan who comes from a well-off, highly educated family. Their marriage was arranged, so it's not like they got to know each other beforehand to ensure they'd be compatible. Makes me wonder if she did it for US citizenship. They got married within 3 months of his divorce. His earlier marriage lasted 8 years.
One more case, this guy is in Pakistan in his mid 40's...currently married with 5 kids...took a second wife who is in her 20's. He is a wahabi molwi by the way and didn't tell his first wife before marrying the second. He now has 2 kids from the second wife. His first wife was average looking. I've heard the second wife is really pretty. His reasoning for marrying her was to help provide shelter and financial security for her because she was in need. But so, why not tell your first wife before the deed? Even better, why not try to find this poor girl someone her age who can take responsibility for her?
God knows better what's going on in people's heads.
These women may very well have been forced, but if they are okay with these marriages, what's the issue? Is it that guys can demand younger women and get away with it? Well DUH! A big part of a woman's appeal to a guy is her looks, which obviously peak very early. Men on the other hand, if they keep themselves in shape as they age, get more mature, make more money, and are overall more attractive. Younger women have all the power in terms of attraction. Older men have more power. That's how it has always worked.
And this is not amongst desis, this is in the West as well. Women who hold out for "the one", or play the field in their 20's and 30's like men, often regret being unable to find a guy when they're older. Men their age can find an attractive woman who is younger. I think the situation is a curbed a bit amongst desis since dating and sleeping around is taboo, but the point remains: older men often have younger women willing to be with them, while older women do not have this luxury, thus the dating pool is much smaller.
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These women may very well have been forced, but if they are okay with these marriages, what's the issue?
No, they were not forced.
Refer back to my original post. I wrote very clearly what bugs me about this. It's not just that men don't face age restrictions the way women do. It's also about a person's background (marital, in this case) and how men often have an advantage in this matter too.
Does it make sense that a 40-something, married man is going after a 22 year old Cinderella? Or someone who was married for 8 years can get over it in as little as 3 months? Why is it okay for single women to marry divorced men with kids and take care of someone else's children, but not the other way around (sure, it happens rarely but it is still very rare).
I would have the same reaction if it was a woman in this case who had just come out of an 8-year marriage and found someone much younger and with no kids of their own to marry her in a matter of 3 months.
As for your statement that this is the way things work, well, just because it's how things have always been doesn't make it right.
These women may very well have been forced, but if they are okay with these marriages, what's the issue? Is it that guys can demand younger women and get away with it? Well DUH! A big part of a woman's appeal to a guy is her looks, which obviously peak very early. Men on the other hand, if they keep themselves in shape as they age, get more mature, make more money, and are overall more attractive. Younger women have all the power in terms of attraction. Older men have more power. That's how it has always worked.
And this is not amongst desis, this is in the West as well. Women who hold out for "the one", or play the field in their 20's and 30's like men, often regret being unable to find a guy when they're older. Men their age can find an attractive woman who is younger. I think the situation is a curbed a bit amongst desis since dating and sleeping around is taboo, but the point remains: older men often have younger women willing to be with them, while older women do not have this luxury, thus the dating pool is much smaller.
Your views are so outdated. Gone are the days when men aged like fine wine and women were considered old hags as soon as they turned 35. Times have changed buddy.
Personally I know tons of couples where the girl is older and it makes no difference at all. They are all great guys who could've gone for much younger girls but chose to marry a girl for her brains and personality. I see such outdated and narrow minded views on this website and its surprising because I find no such examples in my real life which makes me wonder if one's views are shaped by the social circle they associate with.
Re: Age Differences
I don't see how Ghosts's post was narrow-minded. He's being matter of fact and quite spot on especially with respect to the desi culture. Another important point to take into consideration is the fact that desi men usually do not marry until they have completed their education, kickstarted a decent career, fulfilled any responsibilities at home (e.g. they may be expected to wed their sisters off before getting married themselves) and that means they're no longer in their 20's by the time they're ready to get married. Women on the other hand are considered ready for marriage in their early 20's especially if they have no interest in pursuing further education. So it isn't outdated or uncommon at all for older men to get married to younger women. The reverse may also be quite common in parts of the developed world but not in Pakistan, generally speaking.
Age Differences
I wasn't talking about Pakistan. I'm in the US and I've never seen a 35 yr old man wanting to marry a 22 yr old girl and if they think of doing so, they are sadly turned down. I don't know what education you're talking about but even in North America, where professional degrees take a considerable amount of time, most guys and girls are done with their education by 27-28.
You're talking about a specific segment of population in Pakistan where men are busy getting an education and women are damsels in distress waiting for a good rishta the minute they turn 20. I was referring to the situation primarily in the West where desi guys ARE getting turned down by girls due to age, lack of education, bad character, etc.
Re: Age Differences
We need to cut off the supply..
(And ppl say the girls are 'too picky'.. As if)
They kinda are. How do you think the guys aged so much? Every time a guy ventures into the rishta market, he is told he doesn't make enough moneys. It takes the poor guy years to start making enough money to satisfy the average girls demands. I don't blame him for wanting someone much younger, given all the work he put in.
Now if the 25 something girls were okay with marrying the 25 something guys who didn't necessarily make a lot of money, but had potential ( of course). The supply of 25 something girls would start dwindling and the 36 year olds would have to make do with the older gals.
However the 25 something girls just don't have faith in guys their own age. They choose to go with the safer option, the older guy with a stable career. The young guys take this rejection to heart and forever resent women their age.They then return the favor when they go on their rishta hunts at age 36.
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Edit: I should preface this by saying that I’m referring both to the extremes (35 year old with 22 year old) and the usual age differences.
Those women **chose **to marry divorced men because those men were appealing. I agree with you that divorced men face less stigma, and that is an artificial stain to some extent, but again, it comes down to single women willing to marry older, divorced men. If not for these single women, perhaps the divorced men would have to settle for divorced women. Please understand though, I don’t think there is anything wrong with someone just because they’re divorced. You’re assuming these are artificially constructed rules, which courtship in Islam is to a certain extent, but as I pointed out, this happens in the dating world in the West as well. It’s not about fair, it just is.
These things aren’t happening because we’re brainwashed, or because society forces us to think like this, this is a fact of human attraction. Men value beauty and youth because women have to bear children (healthy woman = healthy child), while women value security as well as attraction, because security means her kids will be provided for, and attraction, again, means healthy children. Older men can provide much more security and remain reasonably attractive (I think “distinguished” is the word often thrown around). It doesn’t mean that a woman is a gold digger, these things are subconscious. Attraction isn’t a choice, it just happens.
The only place we see relatively unhindered courtship at work (meaning no rishta aunties, no families, relatively little religious influence) is dating in the West and even here, you see older men dating younger women. Unless you’re an attractive and successful guy, younger women have all the power. Fast forward to your late 30’s though, and the men can keep dating younger women, many of whom are willing to marry them, but women no longer have this luxury. They didn’t capitalize on their ability to attract a desirable mate when they were younger because they wanted to play the field. If this all sounds cold and harsh it’s because that’s my intent. Human biological desire doesn’t care about your feelings. Obviously love, respect, and all things related play a part in a marriage, but we all have subconscious desires which are geared towards producing and providing for healthy offspring. By all means, be upset, but this has gone on for thousands of years and will likely continue going forward.
Great, you know some exceptions to the norms. Congratulations. Desi culture obviously is full of examples of older men marrying younger women, but this happens in the West as well. Here’s one article related to this issue, of older accomplished women being totally ignored by the most desirable men in their age bracket. Why? Because these men can meet and date younger women willing to be with them.
Please don’t misunderstand me. It’s not my view that older women are damaged goods or anything of the sort. I’m trying to explain to people that this phenomena isn’t exclusive to, or caused by, desi culture. It’s human nature. Accept it and use it to your advantage or cry about it. With the decline of marriage in the West and the vast majority of white women who refuse to compromise on family, most of my friends see no reason to marry until they’re in their late 30’s or 40’s. Why should they? Their lifestyles are going to get better and better and there will be desirable, professional women in their late 20’s and 30’s willing to marry them at that age.
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Depends even in the US what desi community we're talking about. There are the educated types - the docs, lawyers, the MBA's from IVY leagues, etc. Then there are the rest of the Pakistani families, which for the most part, have blue collar jobs. Which is the majority of Pakistanis in the US, actually. And many of those families are VERY old fashioned - they make Pakistanis IN Pakistan look progressive.
Where I grew up, that whole area of desis was notorious for engaging their girls at 16, and then waiting for a high school graduation to wed their daughter. The guys they were findings - as their own boys were messed up - big C in ABCD - were often older guys who were more established from family connections in Pakistan or in the US - a lot of my friends married guys 5-10 years older than them.
In the mainstream American culture, guys may be 2-3 years older max, but most people tend to marry people in their own age groups. In start contrast, our desis growing up here are not in that vogue.
You have no idea how many guys who are MY AGE told me I'm too old for them, then told me to pray to God to help me find someone, as if being 29 was a disease. And you have no idea how many 50 year olds send me requests for "fraandship", and when I said no, upon insisting for reasons if I told them it's the age difference sorry, I was told I should be more appreciative that anyone is even asking for me at this age.
I dunno, this is the people of the Islamic republic of Pakistan? So proud of the trend of old sugar daddies.
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I wasn't talking about Pakistan. I'm in the US and I've never seen a 35 yr old man wanting to marry a 22 yr old girl and if they think of doing so, they are sadly turned down. I don't know what education you're talking about but even in North America, where professional degrees take a considerable amount of time, most guys and girls are done with their education by 27-28.
You're talking about a specific segment of population in Pakistan where men are busy getting an education and women are damsels in distress waiting for a good rishta the minute they turn 20. I was referring to the situation primarily in the West where desi guys ARE getting turned down by girls due to age, lack of education, bad character, etc.
The extremes are not the norm, but I'm referring to the general phenomena of older men marrying younger women. That's what my posts are about. These extremes do fit the general trend though so, while I personally wouldn't want to marry someone 13 years younger than me, if the people are willing participants what's your beef?
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I don't think these are exceptions, I think it's COMMON to see age differences actually. Just go to any dawat and see the man going gray and his wife still looking young. Maybe one case here or there is plastic surgery, but not most.
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if the girl’s okay with it, vat is probalm? 
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I don't think these are exceptions, I think it's COMMON to see age differences actually. Just go to any dawat and see the man going gray and his wife still looking young. Maybe one case here or there is plastic surgery, but not most.
Going grey is not a sign of being old. Heck both my parents went grey in their early thirties (dang those genetics) and had no black hair left by the time they turned 40 ( Haircolor to the rescue ). On the flip side my nani's hair still hasn't gone all white and she's in her 70s. It's down to the gentics you have.
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Depends even in the US what desi community we're talking about. There are the educated types - the docs, lawyers, the MBA's from IVY leagues, etc. Then there are the rest of the Pakistani families, which for the most part, have blue collar jobs. Which is the majority of Pakistanis in the US, actually. And many of those families are VERY old fashioned - they make Pakistanis IN Pakistan look progressive.
Exactly it depends on what social circle you associate with. All my friends got married at 27 or above to men who were their age or 2-3 years older than them. And then I know some girls who married guys younger than them but not I don't know of any couple where the age difference is huge and a 35 year old guy is demanding a 25 year old. Like I mentioned, maybe it's because we all know different sets of people and I am honestly shocked to see such backwardness amongst desis in the West.
The extremes are not the norm, but I'm referring to the general phenomena of older men marrying younger women. That's what my posts are about. These extremes do fit the general trend though so, while I personally wouldn't want to marry someone 13 years younger than me, if the people are willing participants what's your beef?
I have no 'beef' with older men marrying younger women and I'm also not saying a 27 year old man should have no qualms marrying a 40 year old woman. There are all sorts of couples out there now. Girls are rejecting guys if the age difference is quite a bit. Girls are rejecting guys if they are not educated. And girls are also rejecting guys if they are not attractive to them. For you to state that a guy can be 40 and get married to a 25 year old easily is disturbing coz it's not true. Guys no longer have a free pass to marry whomever they want without proving anything. I think those situations where a young girl is getting married to a much older guy are the exceptions and for the most part people in the West are actually preferring to settle down with a person who is the same age as them.