Re: Age Differences
Edit: I should preface this by saying that I’m referring both to the extremes (35 year old with 22 year old) and the usual age differences.
Those women **chose **to marry divorced men because those men were appealing. I agree with you that divorced men face less stigma, and that is an artificial stain to some extent, but again, it comes down to single women willing to marry older, divorced men. If not for these single women, perhaps the divorced men would have to settle for divorced women. Please understand though, I don’t think there is anything wrong with someone just because they’re divorced. You’re assuming these are artificially constructed rules, which courtship in Islam is to a certain extent, but as I pointed out, this happens in the dating world in the West as well. It’s not about fair, it just is.
These things aren’t happening because we’re brainwashed, or because society forces us to think like this, this is a fact of human attraction. Men value beauty and youth because women have to bear children (healthy woman = healthy child), while women value security as well as attraction, because security means her kids will be provided for, and attraction, again, means healthy children. Older men can provide much more security and remain reasonably attractive (I think “distinguished” is the word often thrown around). It doesn’t mean that a woman is a gold digger, these things are subconscious. Attraction isn’t a choice, it just happens.
The only place we see relatively unhindered courtship at work (meaning no rishta aunties, no families, relatively little religious influence) is dating in the West and even here, you see older men dating younger women. Unless you’re an attractive and successful guy, younger women have all the power. Fast forward to your late 30’s though, and the men can keep dating younger women, many of whom are willing to marry them, but women no longer have this luxury. They didn’t capitalize on their ability to attract a desirable mate when they were younger because they wanted to play the field. If this all sounds cold and harsh it’s because that’s my intent. Human biological desire doesn’t care about your feelings. Obviously love, respect, and all things related play a part in a marriage, but we all have subconscious desires which are geared towards producing and providing for healthy offspring. By all means, be upset, but this has gone on for thousands of years and will likely continue going forward.
Great, you know some exceptions to the norms. Congratulations. Desi culture obviously is full of examples of older men marrying younger women, but this happens in the West as well. Here’s one article related to this issue, of older accomplished women being totally ignored by the most desirable men in their age bracket. Why? Because these men can meet and date younger women willing to be with them.
Please don’t misunderstand me. It’s not my view that older women are damaged goods or anything of the sort. I’m trying to explain to people that this phenomena isn’t exclusive to, or caused by, desi culture. It’s human nature. Accept it and use it to your advantage or cry about it. With the decline of marriage in the West and the vast majority of white women who refuse to compromise on family, most of my friends see no reason to marry until they’re in their late 30’s or 40’s. Why should they? Their lifestyles are going to get better and better and there will be desirable, professional women in their late 20’s and 30’s willing to marry them at that age.