After Nikah ...

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Firstly, why does he need to take the girl out to lunch. He is already married so what is he gonna do? let her go if he doesnt like her? Shouldnt he have done these things before the marriage? How did he get nikkahed without been there? was it on the phone or something?

Secondly, What the heck are her parents problems? What if he decides he doesnt wanna take her back yet or decides hes not ready for her, will they be better off? I dont get this "ruksati" thing - once you are married, you are married, all the other stuff about sending the girl off in pomp and so on is just a pain.

And didnt both parties discuss these things before the marriage? If I were the guy and I was really annoyed I would just tell the parents to keep girl with them so that they can have their freaking ruksati and let me know when its done so that I can come pick her up.

The blames both ways though - This seems to be a particularly "american guy going home to marry" kinda issue. They dont know what they really want, and if they do, they are too whimpy to tell their or the other parties parents.

22

^ doesnt respecting someone else's tradition and culture matter at all?

23

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by hmcq: *
Firstly, why does he need to take the girl out to lunch. He is already married so what is he gonna do? let her go if he doesnt like her? Shouldnt he have done these things before the marriage? How did he get nikkahed without been there? was it on the phone or something?

Secondly, What the heck are her parents problems? What if he decides he doesnt wanna take her back yet or decides hes not ready for her, will they be better off? I dont get this "ruksati" thing - once you are married, you are married, all the other stuff about sending the girl off in pomp and so on is just a pain.

And didnt both parties discuss these things before the marriage? If I were the guy and I was really annoyed I would just tell the parents to keep girl with them so that they can have their freaking ruksati and let me know when its done so that I can come pick her up.

The blames both ways though - This seems to be a particularly "american guy going home to marry" kinda issue. They dont know what they really want, and if they do, they are too whimpy to tell their or the other parties parents.
[/QUOTE]

Haha .. lot of questions hmcq but i'll try to answer them anyway .. they might not b perfect .. but then.. its me n not him himself so here goes

*Firstly, why does he need to take the girl out to lunch. He is already married so what is he gonna do? let her go if he doesnt like her? Shouldnt he have done these things before the marriage? How did he get nikkahed without been there? was it on the phone or something?
*

actually lunch is just an excuse.. he needs to talk to her one to one for a change, without any interruptions or bias .... so they wont b real strangers on their first night.. ofcourse he doesnt hav a choice of letting her go.. its out of the question...(its just my interpretation of the situation .. i might b totally wrong about this) ........... by the way ... nikah was done on phone..

*Secondly, What the heck are her parents problems? What if he decides he doesnt wanna take her back yet or decides hes not ready for her, will they be better off? I dont get this "ruksati" thing - once you are married, you are married, all the other stuff about sending the girl off in pomp and so on is just a pain.
*

I agree with the rukhsati part.. its nuthin more then formality to take care of.. once u r married.. u r married.. n both of them hav full rights to live their life as they please..

*And didnt both parties discuss these things before the marriage? If I were the guy and I was really annoyed I would just tell the parents to keep girl with them so that they can have their freaking ruksati and let me know when its done so that I can come pick her up.
*

hehe .. u kno ... the guy got su frusrated about this he really said more or less the same thing.. 'he doesnt even want to see the girl till rukhsati' ... i guess that was expected then ?!?

phew ... i guess that should clear lots a things for now ... :-)

24

seems like culture n tradtions are more important than reilgion for some ppl.

25

^

which is quite sad bcos once you get your nikkah you are in reality married to the person

its this desi sosciety, hopefully they’ll break the trend sooner than later :k:

26

That’s the diff between American Born desis and ‘sneaky fellas’ like yourself. We try to be as honest with others as possible.

I think he should go and meet the family. After a couple of meetings, I am sure they will be OK to let them go out together. I think the parents’ resistance is mainly due to the ‘unknown’ factor and also what the ‘laug kya kahaingai’.

27

Hmmm... my brother (in London) and his wife (then in Karachi) were allowed to go out to one dinner in Karachi on their own after getting engaged, before nikkah; and once or twice again during the time between their nikkah and rukhsati.

28

:rotfl:
well, I feel sorry for this lad Leez…but this whole situation is too funny to be true

29

i spent some time alone with my wife (at her hmoe) after nikaah and before rukhsati, but her brothers wud keep interrupting and one of them even remarked “why do u have to sit alone all the time to talk”… :rolleyes:

30

Yeah rite :expressionless:

Thats why people come to desi land for finding suitable rishta for their ‘American born desi’ children :rolleyes:

31

What a romance killer family and culture we have! They could go out and have a good time without it going against their religion and all but this dumb culture has to 'taang araa' in it! Such a pity.

32

I am amazed that in this daya dn age people are bound to speak to their bethrothed or fiance once in a group setting with a purdah and three eunichs standing over them.

How do you know if the person you are marrying likes ice cream or not? Whether they like french movies with a lot of nudity or not, whether they can slow dance, can scream when tickled in teh right place etc..

33

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Matsui: *
How do you know if the person you are marrying likes ice cream or not? Whether they like french movies with a lot of nudity or not, whether they can slow dance, can scream when tickled in teh right place etc..
[/QUOTE]

No wonder the two nations theory works :D.

34

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by sadzzz: *
^ doesnt respecting someone else's tradition and culture matter at all?
[/QUOTE]

Absolutely it does. Especially when both people are from the same tradition. But for goodness sake, there are already enough issues in marraiges, why start off the whole process with such a negative connotation. Years from now, the guys gonna be telling his kids, you know your mom's parents wouldnt even let me talk to her when we were married. I think it just creates the wrong sorta vibes.

As for getting nikhed on the phone - thats just plain weird. So was it a conference call with two observers on each end a molvi somewhere in the middle?

35

^^ hehe HMCQ, very true!

36

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by hmcq: *

Absolutely it does. Especially when both people are from the same tradition. But for goodness sake, there are already enough issues in marraiges, why start off the whole process with such a negative connotation. Years from now, the guys gonna be telling his kids, you know your mom's parents wouldnt even let me talk to her when we were married. I think it just creates the wrong sorta vibes.

As for getting nikhed on the phone - thats just plain weird. So was it a conference call with two observers on each end a molvi somewhere in the middle?
[/QUOTE]

Firstly the case in hand is not anything at extreem. Like not allowing to talk or meet etc. The guy is allowed to meet the girl in her or his house without any problem !

So making it an issue that why is the guy not allowed to meet her in private is demanding too much while disregarding the available level of freedom

Different families have different level of ease in their traditional circle for allowing this kind of interaction.

The best practice is to respect and understand their level of comfort and accomodate accordingly. If you think you can not adjust then dont go for a relationship.

37

I just don’t understand why this cultural crap gets taken so seriously, It’s perfectly understandable before nikkah, but after nikkah, you are man and wife! Who are her family to stop a man talking to his wife, let alone do more with her?

:mad:

38

Hey hey hey..can I ask a question? What is the basis for not having the guya dn the girl spend time alone before they meet? Is the fear that his penis has amind of it's own?

39

I think its partially lack of trust in reference to the guy, maybe a tad bit in ref. to the girl too...she may not be able to resist his advances keeping in mind that that is the only thing he has in mind if he wants to meet alone. Additionally it has to do with the narrow minded society they live in and fear of people saying stuff. As long as the girl is at the parents house it would be oh so humiliating for the parents were she to get impregnated before the 'rukhsati'. What would people say...she was that desperate! She couldn't wait! Has she no shame? Oh Lord!!! Even if they only talked with one another how would the family know what happened! So they have to have some freaking proof. What better proof than not to let them out of there eyesight!
Yet it's ok if the woman is expecting the very next day after the formal rukhsati! Sick people I tell ya with screwed up minds.

40

I think the parents should let it happen under one condition - Closed Circuit TV. They don't have to let the daughter and the future son-in-law know about the monitoring. If the guy makes decisions based on brain power below the waiste, then the parents and close family members should bust in with full force and canine dogs. It would be nice if they can dress up as squat teams like the US Marshals.