HiI everyone, I’m new here. I’m getting engaged soon inshallah, to what seems like a really nice guy- hopefully he wont turn out to be one of those scary people in the unfortunate rishtas.
Anyways I really want to be a good wife, sincerely. My problem is is that I was brought up as the only girl with three brothers and i got everything i always wanted. So whenever I don’t get my way, i get very rude very fast- and then my mom scares the hell out me about how if i act like that i will be sent back home the next day.
Well I noticed that a lot of my friends that were like me are getting divorced, and I don’t want to get divorced. I really don’t want to be rude. I’ve really really tried not blowing up or talking back with my parents and brothers but sometimes it just happens on accident- and i always feel really awful. My sister in law is very different and she IS NEVER angry or mad or pissed at anything. I really want to be like her. How do you do that? I’m really scared that I’ll blow up over something stupid like not wiping the bathroom counters after wudu and then my hubby will send me straight back.
Its going to be a tough thing for you to learn at this stage but if you really dedicate yourself and really try, you can change. Whenever you find yourself getting angry, take a deep breath and count to 10 while breathing...breathe in, count 1. breate out count 2. breathe in count 3....etc etc.
One of the best golden rules to happy marriage: Never open your mouth to speak until you feel yourself calm enough to speak withoutemotion.
okay. thanks. anything else you want to tell me? I'm so scared. A lot of people I know are getting divorced. I just don't want that to happen to me. I want to be really good wife.
If I blow up abt something on accident, do you think he'd still be mad if I say I'm really really sorry?
So you've been a bit spoiled. So what? :) Just kidding.
If you really want this to work then you've got to train yourself. Its like working out, quitting smoking, letting go of a bad habit.
Everytime you get upset, stop yourself for a brief second and give yourself a choice. Is this worth it?
As the saying goes: pick your battles. If you always argue or get upset about everything, then you wont be taken seriously when it really matters to you. So, for your own sake choose things you want to get upset about. The next time you get upset, ask yourself whether this conflict will matter in the long run. If it wont, swallow your anger and walk away. If it will, stand your ground. :)
Firstly, if he's a submissive guy ( head nodding type )........you've got it made.
Now if he aint, but he's a smart decent guy, then he knows that as a girl, things generally go in your favour in regards to decision making, thats partly down to female stubbornness, mental trickery, her total disregard to logic & the husbands desire to see a smile on his wifes face, quite often this disire fades with time & the other factors take up the slack....... she still rules.
The good thing is that you admit to yourself that your spoilt, so you can deal with the situation, heres a tip, try associating a positive uncontrollable emotion with your negative anger when things don't go your way, i.e extreme laughter, like when you hear something really, really funny & can't help yourself bursting into laughter. Watch some Chris Rock/Dave Chappelle shows & remember some of the funniest stuff, then revisit them mentally everytime you feel angry over something trivial....guys love to see a girl laughing & soon you'll stop acting like a spoilt child.
Just make sure you don't burst out laughing for no apparent reason infront of him...........he'll think your crazy.
awww... many hugs to you. u and i are in the same boat, except that i m the youngest and spoilt one. but i tell u, with time everthin changes. i was like this too but marriage makes u a different person. u HAVE to think before u act, esp negative. plus a woman is compelled to learn how to control her emotions becus ppl (in laws esp) are constantly tryin to check you out and test ur patience, just to see how far u wud go and also to check ur character. trust me honey, i learnt the hard way... in fact i m still learning!!!! so many times i end up just talkin crap and my tone can b so rude that even a compliment sounds like a thappar!! :D i m not proud of that at all and am constantly workin at it. so hang in there... u shud realise not everything is abt u and u should b considerate of other's wishes and situation. this will help u a great deal in not being so stubborn and spoilt. best of luck!
I think that most husbands who are honest in their relationships, will want to (be able to) give you the same pampering and care that you got as a daughter from your parents, rather more. So more often than not, they should be able to understand and adjust to such tantrums to a certain extent. But the important point is not to make a habit of it, and not to take your husband for granted on this, and not to test his patience.
I think its more important to check this behavior with in-laws (like MIL, FIL, SIL). As for husbands, they can usually adjust in one way or another. I think that any husband who "sends you home", or even threatens to send you home on petty tantrums, has bigger issues than you do.
At the end of the day, responsibility comes with a change in the relationship, and you will probably find that you are able to adjust naturally, without putting too much pressure on yourself.
Best of luck
Hey Congrats first of all...
Secondly i was laughing when i read ur post. Its just that I had the exactttt same question and concern some years ago when i got married and now reading your post brought back all the memories.
I think (from my personal experience) that you dont need any training for this problem of yours. My mom used to tell me the exact same thing lol that i will come bak the next day. Its so funny how desi moms have the same lines :). Anyways i think as long as you KNOW you have a bit of a problem, you will be careful automatically. Trust me on that. I didnt know how to control my gussa and me temper and my tone either. And I always used to raise my voice whenever i was mad. Some people have very less tolerance but I literally had NO PATIENCE OR TOLERANCE for something that i considered wrong. But after shadi i think sub kuch samaj aa jata hai and TIME only teaches you. Abb itna bura bhee nahi hota kay aik bar kuch kar diya to koi ghar send kar day ga ... but time kay sath sath you will learn everything. Abb kasam say itna patience hai kay bas matt hi poocho haha ...
I used to tell my sister to act like a MIL with me and be sarcastic n all that for practice but it used to be all fun n this n that. Its not till I actually faced the real situations that I learned how to control.
Best of luck sister ....Worry not ..:)
being pampered is not something bad.. all wives should get pampered by their husbands.. but sometimes women can be TOO demanding or irrational and whilst parents love their children unconditionally, in laws dont have to.. its just the nature of things.
you will just have to learn as you go along. watch before u leap.
but u know what.. i know quite a few girls who were insanely moody and short tempered and bossy before marriage.. but the minute they set foot at their in laws place, they became, for lack of a better phrase 'bheegi billi's' ... cuz they knew their short comings, didnt want to start off on a bad note so just let everything be.. and it worked out great for them.. but once they got settled and relaxed with everyone, sometimes they could feel their old selves coming back but it just took some self control.
you shall do fine. u atleast know ure flaws. just work on them :)
okay. thanks. anything else you want to tell me? I'm so scared. A lot of people I know are getting divorced. I just don't want that to happen to me. I want to be really good wife.
If I blow up abt something on accident, do you think he'd still be mad if I say I'm really really sorry?
Sorry goes a loooong way.
Another thing is always put yourself in the other person shoes.
Initially there are a lot of compromises because you have not lived with the person so you don't know his habits and routines. Instead of making an issue out of everything - just let the little things slide.
but u know what.. i know quite a few girls who were insanely moody and short tempered and bossy before marriage.. but the minute they set foot at their in laws place, they became, for lack of a better phrase 'bheegi billi's' ... cuz they knew their short comings, didnt want to start off on a bad note so just let everything be.. and it worked out great for them.. but once they got settled and relaxed with everyone, sometimes they could feel their old selves coming back but it just took some self control.
you shall do fine. u atleast know ure flaws. just work on them :)
That would me. I'm so glad there's hope for me.Many of my friends that got divorced were short tempered and bossy like me- and they've gotten divorced. I don't know if its just my community, but there's been so MANY divorces going on its scary. Like they'll get married and literally with in SIX months to a YEAR it's done- you hear them getting divorced. The two most recent ones scared the heck of out me, beause I used they were my childhood friends, and it was just awful, b/c there parents worked so hard to find the perfect rishta and arrange the wedding and everything. I honestly wouldn't want my parents to go through anything like that again- b/.c finding a good person is soo hard, and to blow it off like that, is like sad.
One of the best golden rules to happy marriage: Never open your mouth to speak until you feel yourself calm enough to speak withoutemotion.
Good luck!
Thanks everyone for their advise, and I was talking to my mom and she said all of them were good, but this was most certainly the very best. Inshallah, Iwill really really try to this, the next time i feel like putting down someone over something stupid.
it's not everyone, a lot of young girls though. we never really talk about though. its very hush, hush, whisper whisper.
One girl got divorced because she wanted to model and would talk to guys, and her hubby didnt really like that. It was so wierd. her dad was an IMam of the local masjid too!
And then my most recent friend got divorced b/c my mom said she talked back to ther mother in law and her husband (a hafiz) a lot and they just couldn't take it anymore. AND SHE WAS ONLY MARRIED FOR FOUR MONTHS!!! And she has TWO older sisters who are not married! I can't imagine the stress her mom is in right now!
My other friend (who wasn't really a 'friend'- i didn't really like her) got divorced b/c i don't know. All I know is that no one really liked her in high school because she was like REALLY mean, even aunties would comment on her rudeness.
And this one girl got divorced TWICE. she was a dentist and had GREEN eyes. Her mom is always worried sick about her, and is always depressed for her daughter.
Today I just heard that my sister in law's cousin(a guy) got divorced. He was married for two years--I don't know the details-- this is fresh news- I just heard abt it today.
Listen hun, divorces are everywhere, we cant get scared of marriage because of that. I wouldnt look at the divorces, I would look at the successful couples around you. There have to be some, right? Your own parents!
If you're talking about inlaws...you will be fine as long as you keep one thing in mind (especially if you live with inlaws), they are his parents. Just like you have mom and dad, so does he. He cant let go of his parents just like you cant say good bye to yours. Just be persistent and consistent with your good behavior and things will be alright.
My problem is is that I was brought up as the only girl with three brothers and i got everything i always wanted. So whenever I don't get my way, i get very rude very fast- and then my mom scares the hell out me about how if i act like that i will be sent back home the next day.
I don't think that this is a problem. In fact, it is a good thing. Talking from own POV, I feel that a sister of many brothers has a better chance of making her marriage work nicely, as she is already accustomed to dealing with male mentality and understands it to an extent.