Advise to a an engaged friend

Lifestyle Relationships
, , , ,
21

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

hahaaa

thanks :)

22

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

LOL! I have to applaud this woman.

I've always said I'd rather be happy and single than miserable and married.

23

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

I think a better advice to this friend would be not to get pregnant. She can go through as many marriage as she wants but kids don't need to be involved in this mess.

24

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

she wants kids immediately ... so we'll see

this will definitely play out interestingly.. I just hope the fiance and her are able to come to an agreement, cuz it will be a mess

25

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

Well..as a general point of view..i would say..it's all in attitude. I learnt that..you cannot change anyone nor you should aspire to change anyone. She doesn't seem like receptive person..in terms of getting an advise. And it's ok..if she doesn't..that is her right. There is nothing ya can do. Seconldy, I know AK ya're looking out for her but yo..she is grown up and this is her second marriage. If she makes mistakes..and i really hope she learns from them..as we all should.

Mine would be second wedding too insha'Allah soon with my significant other and so as her..but i still take critique and open to advises and suggestions and same as her...we both work together as a team and solve our own issues. And khichar ochaling on each other's family members doesn't help anyone. It actually works against you. And i really really pray and hope..some girls understand that..after marriage..sab rishton ko nibhana parta hai..no matter what. Good or bad. You can't just cut them off. Sooner or later...you do need to amend. And most of the time when disagreements happen..it is because of some 'slight' mis-understanding.

26

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

WOW. cussing out your father in law or any elder for that matter is badtameezi on a whole 'nother level. And here we are applauding it? :nahi:

27

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

Disrespect is disrespect. Doesn't matter the age... I don't give older people a pass just because they're older.

Of course I'm speculating that if she cussed him, he probably wasn't nice to her.

28

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

Yes I get what you mean too though.. being older doesn't automatically give you a pass... but still, only she knows what happened entirely in that conversation..

29

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

Wow! I don't understand people like that, especially desi. Equality and freedom does not mean being disrespectful, walking around half naked, alcohol, drugs, staying out until very late every night, chipkofying with every random person just to appear friendly.

If you are not willing to do any compromise, show absolute disregard towards your new family (YES honey, family!!), and not be diplomatic - especially at family gatherings then you might as well not get married and DEFINITELY, NO KIDS. Men are not stupid, even if they disagree with parents (especially the mother) and agree with your views, they will still want you to treat them with respect. Honestly, at that moment, it will be the most frustrating thing ever to do but it will help build your relationship and last forever.

30

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

If anything, some body needs to warn this guy, tell him not get involved in crazy...I'm sorry but thats the only thing, I think from the description of your friend. She wants to have kids right away? what about making a marriage work first, what about the ability to compromise?...
She is not ready for marriage IMO.

31

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

And where are the larki's parents in all of this? My mother would give me a chamaat in front of everyone, if she came to know I was behaving like that.

32

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

Wow..gupper shupper..ya're on roll!. Enjoyed your post...

33

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

What if the compromise is she has to live with his parents and in return she gets to keep some semblance of her freedom?

Yes some of us Pakistanis drink and go out and have fun once in a while and it doesn't mean we're disrespectful in front of elders. But I absolutely will not stand for being disrespected by anyone. Again that's me.

Also, if my in laws were the suffocating type she would've told me not to get married. She's a product of living with in laws.

34

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

ohh God I have seen so many stories regarding to this topic, I don't know what happened to few girls now a days, Boys are ready to compromise but girls don't want to, well I have well wishes for her , may everything gets settled down.

35

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

she lives alone.. her parents are back home

36

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

Really? Girls are the ones making the vast majority of compromises/sacrifices when they get married from moving in with their inlaws, giving up work or study and in many cases the way they dress and the friends/social lives they might have had prior to marriage.. Most of this is not expected from boys..

Most reasonable people are happy to compromise when they are met in the middle..

37

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

Exactly what type of compromises are the boys willing to make?

38

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

You will have to be specific but just within OP's initial post the guy was willing to compromise

[QUOTE]
it's nothing major, but she refers to change as something like, not wearing a sleeveless shirt in front of her inlaws who are very conservative. Her fiance doesnt mind, but in front of the family he requests her not to, but she doesn't care.

[/QUOTE]

That's one example, he's fine with her letting her wear what she likes but not infront of his parents. That's reasonable... Similarly if there was something her parents didn't like about him he would stop, I'm sure there are some guys that make terrible fashion choices and let there wives pick for them. I rather wear something comfortable but if my "future" wife wants me to look like a hero or something I'm willing to do that.

But in terms of pre-marriage sacrifice, agreed girls have to make the initial sacrifice of moving to a new place, and dealing with the inlaws, but guys have to realize they don't have the freedom to go and do whatever they want any more as well. They got to ask there wives, if they want to buy something they probably have to talk about with there wives and respect her wishes. Guys call that being whipped but its the other side of the compromise coin.

39

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

Exactly what sacrifice is the guy making in OP's initial post?

Did you read the entire thread? The girl/guy is going to live with is parents after the wedding. So exactly when will she be not in front of his parents? Inside her own bedroom? Outside the house? Is she supposed to wear full sleeves/full pants when leaving the house and change into shorts/sleeves once she's outside like a teenager? And change back into "conservative mode" before walking back in the house? This sounds reasonable to you?

If a guy is living separately from his in-laws and asks his wife to wear dress in a certain way only when they're visiting his family, that's a compromise.

When a guy tells the girls to not wear things like sleeve/shorts in front of parents (after knowing that the girl wears sleeveless on a regular basis and likes to wear shorts inside the house) AND is planning on living with is parents after marriage, that's NOT a compromise. That's asking the girl to basically alter her wardrobe.

40

Re: Advise to a an engaged friend

I don't understand how so many people are saying shes right.. but everyone has a different opinion, and I totally respect that. that's why I started this thread, to get input on what others would think of the situation.

just to me, if she is allowed to be free as she chooses, but in front of the inlaws, to cover up a bit, is hardly a compromise.. it's not hiding who she is, but showing respect for elders in the family.

but then again, I just see it differently than most would. it's just out of respect for elders he's asking her to do this.

some sacrifices that he's made and will be making at least that I'm aware of-

*not being able to have family gatherings cuz the fiance refuses to be in the same room as his sister. either they go together, or neither goes.

*moving out of his house (his family is purely traditional, all of his siblings and children live with his mom). the fiance pushed him to get to change that decision, which he did. the mother inlaw will most likely live with him though, once he moves out, but it's still in the air

*fully supporting his fiance for the past year cuz she didn't have a job (going out to eat, trips, movies, shopping) whatever the case, he paid because she couldn't find a job that was worth her standard for that long (pay wise)

*paying for the entire upcoming wedding and honeymoon himself. now, he's not rich, he's your average middle class guy, so I feel like she should pitch in, but that's between them obviously