I am sure we are all familiar with the famous sentence “Humaaray family mein hum blah blah blah kartain hain”.
My question to you guppans is… what if there is a conflicting set of customs between the two families… what is the best way to respect this and make sure one family doesn’t get hurt?
Small example: My mom has always told me “humaaray khandaan mein larki walay walimay ke kapray detein hain or ladkay walay baraat or nikkah ke kapray detein hain”. I have always been about this … since we all know that usually in most families it is the other way around. That is the norm. When I asked my mom the reasoning behind it she said thats just how its been done for generations and generations and no one has ever questioned it. They do it so that Ladki walay and her guests (aka community) can all see what the guy side has given her and the ladkay walay and all of their guests can see what the girls family gave her. Another show-offy custom if you ask me… but as my mom said… this has been going on for generations.
Now my in-laws to be… I am pretty positive (like 99.99%) that they are like every other Pakistani family and believe that they are responsible for the Walima clothing .. from their traditional standpoint.
This leaves me confused. I think the easiest thing is to tell my mom that we won’t be doing things the way they are usually done in our family… she may be sad but atleast it avoids potential conflict with the inlaws?
What do you guys think?
(btw: since basically every shaadi has been “in the khandaan” … this has never been an issue till now )
Also what about other things that clash as well? I don’t want to throw my own family under the bus everytime…
Mods: I did a search and couldn’t find a relevant thread on this topic but if there is one → feel free to move this. Thanks!
in my family they say..baraat day dress is by the bride side because all the arranments is by girl side so they show off to their guests what they had given to bride
and walima is by groom side thats y the dress is also by groom side ..to show off to their guests what they had bought for the bride
welll...you can talk to your mom about this issue and try to sort it out
in my family they say..baraat day dress is by the bride side because all the arranments is by girl side so they show off to their guests what they had given to bride
and walima is by groom side thats y the dress is also by groom side ..to show off to their guests what they had bought for the bride
welll...you can talk to your mom about this issue and try to sort it out
Yea I know princess.... it makes complete sense (the traditional way) ... I have no idea how this opposite thing caught on in my family. And yes - I will talk to my mom and I'm sure that she will be understanding ..but i think she will be sad too since its been a custom for a very long time in my family.
But besides this particular issue - i am talking generally ...how do people compromise when there are different customs and traditions in both families??? Like which families traditions/customs does one go with ???
Yea I know princess.... it makes complete sense (the traditional way) ... I have no idea how this opposite thing caught on in my family. And yes - I will talk to my mom and I'm sure that she will be understanding ..but i think she will be sad too since its been a custom for a very long time in my family.
But besides this particular issue - i am talking generally ...how do people compromise when there are different customs and traditions in both families??? Like which families traditions/customs does one go with ???
i have seen many traditions/ customs differences in may weddings and mosly the girl side has to accept the boys side and follow that..i dont like it because even the boy side can compromise but sadly mostly the girl side has to compromise..
well..why dont you talk to your finace and see whats his view on this...
one of my cousin, when she was getting married, her in laws bought her wedding day dress because the mother in law was keep on insisting that she want to pay for the wedding day dress...although mostly in our family, the girl side pay for it...she went with her mother in law and chose the dress and for walima it was from her mom side...
Punjabi Rose, the same thing is in my family. my mom says the baraat clothes are from the guys side and the valima clothes are from the girls side! try talking to your mom about it..mention things like it will be so much easier for you to coordinate the decorations, make up etc etc with your outfit if you picked your own vs the guys side bringing it... try saying its your wedding shouldn't you get to wear what you want especially on your wedding day? Tell her you would like to go through the emotions of picking your own wedding outfit vs the terror and anticipation of someone else picking it. (I am not saying your inlaws would get you something you hated but I am sure you know what I mean.) The other question is what other issues have you thrown your family under the bus regarding the shaadi? avoiding conflict is great but a girl has to stand up for her self sometimes!
Thanks Sidra for your advice! Wow… glad to know that this isn’t just in my family. I was honestly kinda weirded out because I have never heard/seen of this before. But the points you bring up are great and make complete sense… I will talk to my mom and bring them up. Thank you
Um … well I just got engaged a few months ago and no other issues have come up YET. But I have a feeling that they will and I want to start preparing. lol. I wanted to get advice from people that have already gone thru this or are going thru it as well right now.
One looming issue that comes into my mind right away now that I think about it is also “Jahaiz” and the “gift-giving to the khandaan”. I know my in-laws practice this and so they will probably have expectations. But I also know that my family does not practice this at all. Especially the Jahaiz thing. The gift-giving is only limited to the immediate family members as opposed to the entire “khandaan”.
I have talked to my fiance and he is really really chill and understanding. He actually didn’t even know about what Jahaiz even was. lol. I am sure he will try talking to his family gently about this… but I can see tensions rising and annoyances created since there is this air of “expectations” when it comes to shaadis and family’s own customs and traditions (and thinking they will all go down).
So yea - so no throwing under the bus yet… but I want to avoid this in the future. Help!
My husband bought both my clothes. That's how its done in my family. Guy buys both the shaadi and valima for the girl. Actually if you see, that's how its done in most Urdu speaking family. The girl buy both guys' outfit.
But since my husband is punjabi, they buy just walima for girl and girl does her own shaadi outfit.. and the groom gets his own walima and shaadi is from girl's side.
My husband's family did the whole tradition our way. He bought both my outfits and my parents paid for both his'.
There has to be compromises both ways so if for example you convince your mom to do the wedding lehanga yourself and let the inlaws do the walima clothes, then there is no need to do the gift giving to the whole khandaan. I would think you dont even need to talk about it to your fiance. Its too bad if they have expectations, unless they clearly ask for gifts then you guys should address it.
Edit: i am a punjabi married in a punjabi family and even though we do our own joras for the shadi day, my MIL still asked if htats how we do it, meaning they were prepared to do it otherwise if we wanted them to. So depending on receptive your MIL is and your own mom isnt, you guys can discuss this?
Nadz: hun .... we couldn't even figure out what the deal with my engagement was (outfit wise and other things) ... just because there were major communication problems between my mom and my future MIL. It was as if both were scared/nervous to get their point across and were just beating around the bush because they didn't want to hurt the others feelings. The result was confusion. If one of them asked them a question ... the other would just give this "gol sa jawab".
I told my mom to be straight to be point! But even when she was.... the "jawab" back was general and broad.
So now I have a feeling that is just how its always going to be since everyone is scared to hurt feelings... especially the mom's in this case.
everyone: so my family is punjabi (as u could probably tell from my ID. lol) but my in-laws are urdu speaking. If that helps with giving me advice...that will be awesome.
Read my posts.. Guy buys girl's outfit and girl buys guy's outfit for both the ocassion in urdu speaking families. You guys can do it this way too if your family is fine with it. By buying I mean paying for it.
^You are actually right...about the dresses thingy...my mom said the same in fact I had grown up seeing this at my chacho's shaadi....My dadi purchased the Baraat and Nikkah dresses and Walima one was from my Chachi's side...
BUT I wanted my Baraat dress to be from our side so I told my mom and she agreed...I think you just need to sit down and tell her that you really REALLY want it this way...wedding preparations and wedding times tend to get emotional for everyone....
My best friend is Urdu speaking from Karachi and they have a LOT of customs...I would suggest if you have a SIL or cousins-in-law that you can talk to....ask them how weddings are at their side....mind you it's not Punjabi or Urdu speaking thingy...each and every family will have their own slightly differed versions of customs....
Like choozy said there are so many different customs and traditions. I think a lot of that has to do with background as well. In urdu speaking there are a lot of different background.. like behari, memon, hyderabadis, etc. There are some common traditions as well as different in each family.
My family doesn't have very many customs and tradition but my husband's family did. I admit as sweet as my PIL are, i do have hard time understanding a lot of their customs. Me and my husband however are fine because we both don't follow any of that. The food conflict is HUGEEEEE! LOL.. But its all good :)
^ LOL spiral! I had to laugh at the food conflict thing!!! Because I can already see that being true for me! hehe I luv my punjabi biryani, saag, kurhi, etc. … and they are not so much. lol.
My inlaws are Behari!
I’m so bad… I didn’t even know that there were different types of backgrounds within urdu speaking before I met my fiance. I think its because for some reason almost everybody in our communities are punjabi.
Thanks Choozy! And yes - that is what I am hearing too as I am becoming more aware about this topic… that Urdu speaking people from Karachi have a lot of customs and tend to be very different from Punjabi. And you are right…it varies from family to family too.
And yes - I will try to speak to my cousin-in-law next time i see her (in a few weeks)! Great great idea! I don’t think my SIL knows about such customs and traditions and stuff.
^ PR i think the key is COMPROMISE! You dont want to totally disregard their customs and traditions but at the same time you dont want to completely disregard your own..im sure you and Mr PR will find a way to deal with this!! I have full faith ;)
xx
That's precisely the reason why people try their utmost to find families with similiar way of living, customs n norms. But if you settle for a family that has diff customs then you definately have to make sure you do things that r keeping both families customs n traditions in mind. You have to strike a balance and there is no other way but that.
As for in your situation, well i am hoping it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's only a dress really and if your family has a genuine reason for wanting to stick with their tradition then maybe you can talk to your fiance or his family and try to explain. But if its not a love marriage then ask your parents to do the talking here if its all that important and hopefuly the guy's family wl understand. But this should be done in a very proper, calm way cuz no matter how small these issues be they can at times cause anmosity in such sensitive relationships.
@ Maham: I know thats why people try to find families with similar backgrounds… it makes complete sense. But its hard to find the perfect guy and the family with identical (or close/similar) customs and norms… especially here in the US.
I found my prince charming but now I also need to learn more about what his families traditions and customs are. He himself has no idea so he is of no help. lol. This would be the first step in regards to striking a balance between the two families.
Besides the dress issue…which I have been given great advice about… in general should I be aware of some common urdu-speaking traditions tho? Could you guys help me out in this figuring out process??? Just so that atleast me and my family have a little bit of a headsup and are not completely clueless when talking to the in-laws.
Basically everyone in our community is punjabi… so my mom has been unsuccessful in figuring anything out.
about this … since we all know that usually in most families it is the other way around. That is the norm. When I asked my mom the reasoning behind it she said thats just how its been done for generations and generations and no one has ever questioned it. They do it so that Ladki walay and her guests (aka community) can all see what the guy side has given her and the ladkay walay and all of their guests can see what the girls family gave her. Another show-offy custom if you ask me… but as my mom said… this has been going on for generations.
)
But I also know that my family does not practice this at all. Especially the Jahaiz thing. The gift-giving is only limited to the immediate family members as opposed to the entire “khandaan”.
I luv my punjabi biryani, saag, kurhi, etc. … and they are not so much. lol.
I think its because for some reason almost everybody in our communities are punjabi.
Could you guys help me out in this figuring out process??? Just so that atleast me and my family have a little bit of a headsup and are not completely clueless when talking to the in-laws.