Salam guys
I need some advice from you guys.
I haven’t met my family members in Pakistan for almost 9 years. It’s a long story about how I was forced married by the extended family while my parents didn’t do much to prevent it and how I totally boycotted everyone when I left Pakistan after the nikkah. I got my divorce papers despite massive resistance within the family and I haven’t met any of them ever since I left PK after that forced nikkah - 9 years ago.
Some of my female cousins have sent me gifts through my family who have been visiting and I have sent them or their kids a few gifts when my family went.
When it comes to the elders in the family they don’t speak to me and I feel ostracized from the extended family.
I have created my own life without them and am happily married now. The thing is that my siblings are all married within the family and now my bhabi will be coming from Pakistan soon. I have such good memories from our childhood when I played a lot with bhabi but feel akward to meet her after so long but don’t fear that. I am sure things will go well. But I am nervous and uncomfortable to meet my uncle who will come from another European country to meet his daughter (bhabi) when she comes over and likewise with my other male cousins (some are her brothers and others are her phuppo’s sons and my sister’s ‘jeth’).
All these male family members have said a lot bad stuff about me. i.e my uncle told my mum not to support my divorce so that my so-called husband (also my cousin and uncle’s nephew) could get his visa first and permanent residence and then I could get divorced afterwards. Likewise the other cousins have also been like that and ignored me for the past many years. They were all invited for my wedding but didn’t come, didn’t congratulate and even when we went for Hajj and then later for Umrah none of them called to congratulate – despite my mum asking them if they had called me. She especially began to ask my uncle after her daughter married my bro. maybe because mum taught that now being extra close he might try to make an effort to call her daughter’s sister in law despite all the family history…
Anyways, it hasn’t really bothered me much that they have ostracized me as I have created my own life and am Alhamdulillah happy. Sometimes I do miss calling someone mammu, khala, chacha and all that…but if they don’t want to speak with me cuz I fought for my rights and happiness its their loss!
But now when my bhabi is coming and I have to meet her family I don’t want things to be cold or anything cuz bhabhi might feel that I am being rude to her father…but as mentioned above there is a whole family history to this and I really don’t know how to behave with all these male family members when I’ll visit my family at the same time as they are visiting.
It will be the first time they’ll meet my husband and this also makes me nervous. What if they are rude to him?
Sometimes the word "majority" simply means that all the fools are one one side. :p
And in this case the foolish majority of your family is upset because you didn't want to spend spend the rest of your life miserable with a guy whom you found incompatible. They fail to understand that it takes mutual willingness to make a marriage work.......and that their own son would not have been happy with a woman who was not interested in him from the get-go.
You say that you're not bothered, Chameli............but the fact that you've created a thread about it indicates that you are somewhat bothered or perhaps apprehensive about the situation.
I know it's easier said than done, but calm down and remind yourself that you can't control how other people will think or act. You have no control over how another person will be behave towards you. But you do, however, have control over your own self. Tell yourself that you are the BIGGER PERSON.......that you will try your best to behave in a dignified manner with your family.
You don't have to love or even like a person to respect them. Meet your uncles in a cordial manner. Greet them with the salam and a smile. Ask them about their trip. Ask them how their family is doing. Invite them to your home. Even if they behave in a reserved........way and give you the cold shoulder.........at least you will feel peace of mind knowing that you did your part (therefore you have nothing to feel guilty about).
If you have good/strong rapport with your bhabi and if you trust her.........then talk to her about the situation. Perhaps she might be able to give you an idea about how the uncles feel about you. You could try explaining to her that you're worried that her father/family are still upset at you......and that you don't want there to be any grudges between the families. If the cousin that you were supposed to marry...............is now happily married himself...........that is a point that you can bring up with your bhabi...............as a way of showing that Allah does what is best for everyone.
Make your bhabi feel welcome.....develop your relationship with her......and hopefully (there's no guarantee)..........but maybe she'll have good things to say about you to her family.....and could possible change their views about you. If not.........then oh well............it's not your headache.
And if bhabi and her entire family are still holding a grudge.......then so be it, Chameli. You can't force them to like you. You can only fulfill courtesy, be polite, and maintain a distance. At least you won't be feeling guilty about not acknowledging them.
Plus.........your entire family doesn't hold a grudge toward you. You mentioned that you have cousins whom you get along with. Find comfort in that. Pray that Allah smooths out the differences between the families. And just be polite and KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS. That's all you can do :) If they persist with their attitude.......rest assured that there are plenty of people in your life that understand and love you (your immediate family, spouse, friends, etc).
