I don’t know we just simply don’t get along. Ever since we were little she has been putting others before her own kids. We would have birthdays and our toys would be given to cousins and God knows who else. She does so much for her relatives in Pakistan and their kids, and doesn’t do enough for us. Not only that but she isn’t even like those sweet Pakistani moms. She won’t ask you how your day went, won’t ask if u ate, and when she does make something she’ll give most of it away to her friends.
She also gives more importance to work and making money. And when we go to Pakistan she flaunts her wealth and then people use and abuse her for her money. I guess in a way she does have a big heart in doing for those who are less fortunate but I feel as if she forgets her own kids. I get mad when she gives to others and not to her own kids, and as a result, I get lectured and we end up getting into an argument. Moreover, when my dad does the same as her, supporting his family, buying things for them, she complains and gets mad. I find it so hypocritical. I also feel like I’m beginning to think negative like her and I really don’t want to be anything like her!
Also i’m starting to be more possessive about our stuff, and having money spent on us and no one else. I know it’s good to spend on those who are less fortunate, but to the extent that you stop putting your own kids/family before others?
How am I supposed to deal with all this…and no I can’t talk to her, she doesn’t listen, and it’s always her way or the highway. She is never open to suggestions.
Could it be that I am I just being ungrateful and not a good enough daughter?
Have you talked to your mom about it hon? My grandmother passed away recently, two days before Eid, and I've been reflecting upon the importance that moms have in our lives.
If her behavior is upsetting you and your siblings, then talk to her about. Maybe ALL of you should talk to her about it as opposed to just one person. Start the discussion off in a positive way. Tell your mom that you think it's very admirable and noble of her to help others out, but that you guys MISS her and wish that she'd spend time with her kids as well and talk to them more. Talking to her in an accusing way will only make her defensive, so use a calm tone and be gentle.
Also, take your mom's actions as an example. There's even a hadith that says that one of the best things that a Muslim can do is to help another Muslim. That's a positive example to follow since we're living during times where many people are shallow, selfish, and just more interested in themselves. Perhaps your mom has more faith in her children. Sometimes parents can think that their children are strong and independent and self-sufficient (which are positive qualities and a matter of pride for many parents) and this could be a reason why your mom feels that you don't need as her much. I feel pride in how my parents try their best to help others when they ask, and even when they don't. I like how my mom shows consideration for others and will help when they are sick or uncomfortable, etc. I have pride that my parents will show consideration when other aunties and uncles are clueless and can't be bothered. And I'm grateful (Alhumdolillah) that their children have developed the desire to help others as well.
Also, there's a saying that you attract more bees with honey than with vinegar. Have you ever noticed that when someone does something genuinely nice for you, it motivates you to do something nice for that person as well? With that said, why don't you and your siblings ask your mom how her day went. Make her a cup of tea without her asking you. Do kind things for her without being asked. Don't just do this once or twice. Do it as often as you can. And inshaAllah soon enough your mom will appreciate the gestures and this might motivate her to reciprocate. And if it doesn't motivate her, well at least you will have earned Allah's reward.
Talk to your mom using Islamic references. Example:
The above mentioned texts prove that it is mandatory for one to provide for his family and household and care for them. There are many prophetic narrations indicating the virtue of spending and providing for one's family and household, such as the narration of Abu Moosaa Al-Ansaari (may Allah be pleased with him) who reported that the Messenger of Allaah (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) said: “Whenever one spends something in charity on his family, sincerely for the sake of Allaah, he will be rewarded for it”
Imaam Ibn Hajr (may Allah have mercy on him) said: “Providing for and spending on one's family is mandatory even though it is referred to as charity in the texts; the reason for it being referred to as charity is so that people will not mistakenly think that they will not attain reward for spending in such a way. Allaah clarified this so that people will not spend in charity externally until they have sufficed their own household and encouraged them by calling it charity.”
God also speaks about spending on one’s relatives:
“They ask you (O Muhammad) what they should spend. Say: Whatever you spend of good must be for parents and kindred…” (Quran 2:215)
It is advised that even when you give zakaat, you should FIRST look in your family to see who needs it before helping those who are unrelated and live farther away. Your mom's generosity is admirable, but she needs some channeling and direction. And she needs to be reminded gently that wealth is from Allah and that it is WRONG to be boastful about it because he can take blessings AWAY just as easily as He gives them to us.
Maybe the root cause of your mom's materialistic attitude is insecurity. Sometimes people who feel insecure about themselves deep down, like to compensate for it with wealth. Maybe something was lacking in her emotional development (praise, encouragement, etc etc). Do you have a stronger relationship with your dad? Could you talk to him about the issue and encourage him to help? If not your dad, then how about a trusted relative such as a grandparents, uncle, aunt, cousin that might have the authority to influence your mom?
u hav to understand something here that if u get food 3X a day, shelter, clothing n education ur basic needs r met n parent's fard is done. rest toys n games n money is all privelidge n not ur right. u should be grateful to ur parents for things they provide u, not argue abt wat u r not getting. count ur blessings. ur parents might hav flaws but still better than thousands of parents. read abt moms that throw their kids in garbage bins or dads who leave family to marry someone else, read abt parents who drink n gamble n abuse kids for no reason.
don't take things for granted. its not ur money. its ur parent's money n its their righteous choice to giv it who-ever they chose to giv.
One more thing if ur parents take care of their families after fulfulling their basic needs they will be awarded by Allah but a daughter who dis-respects her mom n answers back hav no rewards in Allah's eyes. Also life pays back today u r being ungrateful to ur mom tomorrow ur kids will do same to u. its called Karma
If ur mom doesn't ask u"how was ur day...u ate or not" may be she's not very verbal kinda person. Do u ever ask her" Mom how was ur day or u need any help" etc. If u come close to her without expectations ur bond might be stron
Too much expectations destroy relationships
Thank you all for your replies. You guys are right. I think if I were to do certain stuff like making chai or asking her about her day then she too will reciprocate insha'Allah. The only reason I never initiated was because I always figured as the elder, she should be the one setting an example. As far as Islam is concerned and hadiths, I do totally agree with everything mentioned, and the same stuff my mom has told me as well, but it just makes me mad how people use/abuse her and don't appreciate all that she does. They go to the extent of lying to her just so they could get more money out of her. I don't understand how people can just keep asking and taking and taking from someone who gives genuinely. And I guess in a way I'm not as appreciative or grateful either, and sadly I fall in the same category. As far as expectations goes, they do destroy any relationship, and it could be that I've been having high expectations from others and my mom hence why I'm so bitter about it all. I'll keep your advice in mind for future references. Hopefully insha'Allah my relationship with my mom can improve and I can be more positive about what she chooses to do with her money.
I don't know we just simply don't get along. Ever since we were little she has been putting others before her own kids. We would have birthdays and our toys would be given to cousins and God knows who else. She does so much for her relatives in Pakistan and their kids, and doesn't do enough for us. Not only that but she isn't even like those sweet Pakistani moms. She won't ask you how your day went, won't ask if u ate, and when she does make something she'll give most of it away to her friends.
She also gives more importance to work and making money. And when we go to Pakistan she flaunts her wealth and then people use and abuse her for her money. I guess in a way she does have a big heart in doing for those who are less fortunate but I feel as if she forgets her own kids. I get mad when she gives to others and not to her own kids, and as a result, I get lectured and we end up getting into an argument. Moreover, when my dad does the same as her, supporting his family, buying things for them, she complains and gets mad. I find it so hypocritical. I also feel like I'm beginning to think negative like her and I really don't want to be anything like her!
Also i'm starting to be more possessive about our stuff, and having money spent on us and no one else. I know it's good to spend on those who are less fortunate, but to the extent that you stop putting your own kids/family before others?
How am I supposed to deal with all this...and no I can't talk to her, she doesn't listen, and it's always her way or the highway. She is never open to suggestions.
Could it be that I am I just being ungrateful and not a good enough daughter?
Your not alone. That sounds exactly like my mum. I sometimes wish i had a pakistani mum that would shower me with food n love and ask how my day went. My mum doesnt. She would buy for my cousins on my dads side and her own side. Even tho i have never got ONE present. Not even a CARD from any other my relatives. It makes me angry, that i've never recieved anything from anyone yet shes always thinking what to buy these vultures. Its never gonna end even if they abuse her (which they have) shes still gonna get them things. I know its rude but i dont giv a sh*t i've told them all how i feel about them and i dont talk to them. If my mum wants to be naive abt it and think they appreciate it when they DONT. then thats her problem. I feel the more i interfere and the more i ask her to stop. It jus causes conflict between us and i really cant be botherd with it anymore.
i'm so glad rasmalai u r thinking positively now. u sure r sweet like rasmalai(my fav sweetdish)
Now Mixedbeauty u may not know it yet but ladies hav to do a lot of show-off infront of in-laws to keep things peaceful. these gifts n taking abuse is a norm how bahus get exploited but still hav to behave in our hypocrite society. i assure u if ur mom stops doing it today ur relatives will make fuss n create dramas of all sorts. So let her be safe in her environment. but do let know know how much u'll appreciate if she gives u a gift or too.
i can giv u one tip to send ur msg to ur mom in a quite way. write a diary or journal. state ur feelings clearly. don't make it too bitter. add some positive things abt family too esp ur mom and ur concerns for her. leave it open somewhere where she easily reads it. act innocent abt it.
She'll get ur msg n might be more deeply affected than ur arguements n demands.
imo in such situations talking doesnt help, there r families where talking helps and there are families where it doesnt...ur family sounds like the kind where it wont help coz u said when u get mad it starts arguments...talking (even if it starts out peacefully) will turn into a blame game.
the best way is just to find something u enjoy and r passionate about, something thats YOURS and no-one can take away from u...spend lots of time on that stuff...u wont have the time to think about and get mad at the unfairness of the situation then
sadly ppl dont change the way we want them to, eventually ur parents might reduce the amount of stuff they do for others but change always comes from within, and no amount of wishing or trying on ur part will make it happen faster
so...yeah just find something that makes u happy and focus on that u'll be much happier
*Mabrook- : My dads family have already caused more issues then u can imagine. My dad doesnt even talk to them anymore. Neither do i. But my mum does. How does that make sense? *
that makes sense. ur mom is a good person with big heart n wanna keep the ties going. Cutting ties is not allowed in Islam n she's following Islamic principles of forgiveness.
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but it just makes me mad how people use/abuse her and don't appreciate all that she does. They go to the extent of lying to her just so they could get more money out of her. I don't understand how people can just keep asking and taking and taking from someone who gives genuinely.
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I hear you Rasmalai. My mom is the same way and so was my dad when he was alive, may Allah grant him jannat. They did so much for so many people ...some were really wonderful and thanked them and were always there for them, but the rest...well, the less said the better.
But I can't complain because my parents gave me all the love I could ever want and made sure I wanted for nothing. And most importantly, I learned from them that anybody can be nice and considerate when he/she is being treated with consideration. It takes true courage and sabr to give and give and give of yourself without expecting anything in return EXCEPT for the knowledge that Allah is ALWAYS watching.
So appreciate your mother's excellent qualities and try to emulate them. Forget about what you may or may not receive in return. Expectations, as you've realized, shouldn't be imposed on others...we should only "expect" from Allah. Doing otherwise usually leads to disappointment.