No I do not have any children yet. The thought of bringing up a child under these circumstances terrifies me and I will not do it as it is not dair to the child. I will think about having kids when I know that we are good role models and we have a healthy relationship and I have much more confidence and happiness (when and if things will change for the better is a different issue). I would rather go through life without becoming a mother rather than drag a child through our unhappy relationship.
Just to clarify.. my husband does not go to pubs/clubs at all.. he used to before marriage with his ex girlfriends.. but now he stays at home and doesn't go anywhere. So no.. he doesn't go off and leave me behind.
Today all 4 of us were home.. no-one spoke to me and they all sat watching cricket and discussed it (i do not have any interest in sports and do not understand cricket) I felt sooooooo lonley and excluded. I felt almost depressed you can say as sometimes the way everyone behaves is like its not worth talking to me.. I do feel excluded in the 'family' and it does eat away at me.. I know I can get out of this but if I do the blame will clearly lie with me. I can live with the stigma but I dont want my parents to suffer and have to her all sorts of things cuz of me.
I dont want my husband to show me off.. i want him to value me.. i want him to hold my hand and feel proud.. i guess i want him to love me.. he says he does but i dont know..
I would love to widen my social circle but I have only been in Kent, UK for almost 2years and where I live is full of asians.. everyone knows everyone so I have to be careful who I talk to. How do i widen my social circle? I don't have any confidence now and feel so small. I have good work collegaue but I dont want them to realise what I'm goiing through and think of me as weak and vunerable.. i may sound so pathetic now, but i feel so alone and i dont know what to do!
You can widen ur social circle in many ways. When i got married i moved to Billericay out in Essex cos my hub worked in Chelmsford. I knew no1 at the time who lived there. I had my daughter and altho i met other mums thru antenatal stuff they wernt the kind of women who i cud see myself being really good friends with. Then i joined the local gym, did tonnes of classes and i got to know so many ppl. When i moved back to London i did the same thing even tho it was easier cos i was coming back to my home town. Again ive made so many friends thru the gym and my work that i dont even have time to think and now its a huge social thing for me. Seriously give it a try.
You got to decide whether you want to be with your hubby or not. You must have seen something in him to have said yes in the first place. If you have decided you want to give your relationship a full-hearted try then you got to be tough about it. Your MIL is frustrating you cos you are allowing yourself to be frustrated...ie you are allowing her to achieve what she has set out to do.
Ignore her (as I said you got to be tough) and soon she will find it is "boring" to pick on you. Get other interests to keep you from thinking about the pathetic moments at home. If you are able to get a social life...well then nothing like it. And I think if you truly believe in this guy...maybe he needs time to grow up and realise what he may be losing out on. So in order to give him some time, you keep ignoring the situation as best as you can...show them you are above it all and are not affected by it and find other interests to occupy yourself. Not going to be easy, but you as they say what does not break you will make you stronger.
And of course if you do feel that the guy himself is not worth fighting for, then really dont waste your energies on him or his family.
Good Luck to you...hope you make the right decision.
angel1981, no one is in a better situation than yourself to understand your circumstances. No offense to anyone, but most of the advices here are worth dragging directly to Trash Bins. To others my words will look the same. But anyways!
By reading your words, it seems you are making as much effort to make your marriage work as he is. For only a few, marriage works right from the start and even then there are extreme ups and downs. "The one out there" does not exist. For marriage to work, you need to work on it. In almost all marriages, one of the partners has to work more to make the marriage work.
I think, even for one who think that his/her marriage is a happy marriage, it is because his/her partner is doing more than her/his share.
It appears that both of you are over-whelmed by the complexity of the relationship. In our society, we are not experienced in understanding gender relationships. It takes some time getting used to it.
Don't ignore anyone. Give time to your mother-in-law. She will be as apprehensive as you are (probably more) about this new relationship. Despite the fact that she is making a mess here, she has a genuine interest to see your marriage go through (he is her son). Talk to her. Give her importance. Ask her advise. Tell her your apprehensions and ask her for help on that. Don't be shy in letting her know what is important to you, without being rude. Don't expect things to work out over-night.
2nd! Grow up. You are an educated woman. DON'T look down upon yourself. Take pride in yourself and what you have achieved. Don't let ANYONE belittle you.
An educated person should look for a solution to the problem and not become problem him/herself.
Don't speculate on what he might be thinking, or his intentions of doing a certain thing. Don't be afraid to ask before speculating.
Take interest in what he does. Take interest in what he likes. Instead of feeling lonely, while he was watching cricket, it could have been your moment to break the ice. You should have gone and sit in between them and asked them to explain you the rules of the game. If he is a Pakistani, understand that cricket is important to him. :DSo better understand the rules asap.
I have to log off now as I have work to finish. More later.
Hmm, well, you got some really good advice here..
As far as this part of your post is concerned
[QUOTE]
Today all 4 of us were home.. no-one spoke to me and they all sat watching cricket and discussed it (i do not have any interest in sports and do not understand cricket) I felt sooooooo lonley and excluded. I felt almost depressed you can say as sometimes the way everyone behaves is like its not worth talking to me.. I do feel excluded in the 'family' and it does eat away at me..
[/QUOTE]
I can somewhat relate to that.. but hey, you should have some confidence in yourself and have courage to participate in the talk. Even if they ignore you at first, they'll listen to you after sometime.
And be confident about what you are saying and when you're saying it. Stand up for yourself. What I feel is since the beginning you were to kind or sweet to show them what you felt, and now after 2 yrs they take you for granted.
Let them know about what you like and what you dont like. SO what if you're accused of being ill-mannered or whatever, you have to stand up and tell them what you feel..
Dont do that in a rude way, sweetly but be firm.
I hope things work out for you.
And no you're not the only old one here :p
I am 28, married for 5 yrs and have 2 kids.