Re: advice please?
U know wat i'm gonna be honest to u,
Not all marriages work out......
compromise works ....but to a certain extent
proper action is a key to a happy life.... and remember life is short........ a husband is GOD only for Fools.
To me marriage is a bond between two best friends.
Choice is yours.
Re: advice please?
As others here have already said....communication is paramount.
I am sure she had done it numerous times and she said she did in her above posts... but it didnt help... so whats Next? jab ghee seedhi ungli se nahi nikal raha tou ungli thori tayrhi kerne main koi harj nahi hai ... atleast through this way she would get to sort out whether there is some ghee or rather Hope of things getting better in future (through his reactions) or not.. *OR *she had to live through like that ...
Angel... is he in favor of your studies or against of it?
Re: advice please?
I believe what you say about marriage being a bond between two best friends.
We both had major problems when I said I wasn't ready to start a family and it felt like he was forcing me. He believes in a marriage both partners have the chance to discuss and put their view forward but ultimatley the guy has the final say! I do not agree with that and that is not what I have learnt from my parents!
Re: advice please?
He does not take an interest in my studies, what I have achieved or my job. He did not go to uni or take an interest in studies. He works in retail. I earn more than him on a trainee wage and my wage will increase once i finish my studies. Maybe he feels threatened.. but then again I was honest at the start and he knew i was a law grad. I would like it if he took an interest. His mum also feels threatened i think as she looks at my assignments and says it is easy and she can do it in two mins. She says it in the presence of my husband and he doesn't say anything to make me feel better. He says that he is worried that my career is the most important thing to me.. it isn't! I am practical and independant. I do not believe that everything will be given to me on a silver tray and even if it was I would not take it. I want to work hard now so i can do the best for my kids in the future.
Re: advice please?
I think taking a childish approach and just ignoring him for the sake of revenge will get you no where. However, you will need to become more independent. Do not chase after him because that will most likely make him take you even more for granted. Do develop healthy and friendly relationships with people, pursue your own interests, etc.
What if you organize a trip? Would he go with you? Would he enjoy himself? Even if it's one day.
EDIT: Your good looks, better education, and better salary almost definitely will make him feel threatened. And he clings to mama because of that. And she is defensive about him and nags at you because her own inferiority complex. If he understands that you aren't going to leave him for something superficial, hopefully that will help. Does he have any ambitions/dreams of his own?
Re: advice please?
Have you told your own family about what is going on? Talk to your own family and make them aware of what is going on. I am sure they will help and guide you through this difficult period. Having loved ones around at times like this helps you. If they know the family maybe they will find a way to appeal to their better senses. Try it.
Re: advice please?
Ms angel, many men who are similar how you describe your husband tend to "put down" their woman in order to make themselves feel bigger or better. He belittles all that you are and all that you do so that you remain eager to please him and to make you feel eternally grateful when he occasionally takes you out or does something nice. He is NOT a nice man. Not the way he's described here anyway. This is a small-minded, selfish and abusive guy - YES abusive...when a husband feeds into the self-consiousness of his wife and uses it for his own gain and to keep you in his clutches in exactly the way HE wants, its just plain abuse. The longer it goes on, the smaller you will feel and the less courage you will have to get out of the situation.
Mr Ehsan is right, talk to YOUR family with your heart and with all seriousness.
Re: advice please?
**Hi angel…nice to meet you -by the way im a newbi as well:D **
im 18 & currently a student------
**sorry i can’t give any advice since im not married & nor am i planning to get married soon-----most guys think they r superior so, i would say dat if that guy is making u feel this way—u really need to do soemthing abt this as fast as possible…like really really fast!!!
**
Re: advice please?
the question u should be asking ur self is DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH THIS GUY who just happened to be ur husband.
you shoud discuss it with ur family but Your family probably will try to convience you to stick with this guy. cuz in our paki culture if a girl gets divorce ,she automatically gets the bad name and all the blame and which is really sad.So its ur call,u make the decision ,its ur life.
dont care about anybody put ur self ahead of everyone.
Re: advice please?
Hey ur not old at all! If u think ur old at 25 then i must b totally past it at 29! Ha ha!
Seriously tho im so sorry to hear abt the situation ur in. It was very dishonest of him not tell u from the start that he neva wanted to leave his mums home. Dont know whether hes doing it intentionally or not but hes slowly chipping away at ur self confidence. He is clearly insecure in many ways. Howeva he should not b treating u the way that he has been. I agree with the advice given regarding talkin to ur family. Im sure they would be horrified if they knew how unhappy ur feeling.
Re: advice please?
Mamaof3 is right, its pure abuse. Angel carefully sort it out through your parents/family.
Re: advice please?
OMG leave the jerk already!
Re: advice please?
Angel,
I assumed, you didn't have any kid. Am I right?
Re: advice please?
^ Sara don't u think its a lil immature to advise her to leave him at the first sign of trouble? Marriage is about compromise, and working through the difficulties to achieve happiness.
Angel, u need to talk to him, perhaps he doen't understand how ur feeling altho u might feel as if u've made it apparent. Men are dim, and need to be told things, they can't work things out for themselves (probably why he still clings to mama!). Talk to him, and let him know ur feelings, and what u would like him to do.
U guys also need to spend some time apart from his family. Even if this means going for an hours walk each day, so that u guys have some 'own' time. I'd even suggest that u guys join a gym together. I don't mean u need to lose any weight, but it would be legitimate excuse to get away from his family for a short while each day and some time to urselves.
U also need to widen ur social circle, so that ur life does not revolve around him and his family.
Re: advice please?
Angel, u need to talk to him, perhaps he doen't understand how ur feeling altho u might feel as if u've made it apparent. Men are dim, and need to be told things, they can't work things out for themselves (probably why he still clings to mama!). Talk to him, and let him know ur feelings, and what u would like him to do.
U guys also need to spend some time apart from his family. Even if this means going for an hours walk each day, so that u guys have some 'own' time. I'd even suggest that u guys join a gym together. I don't mean u need to lose any weight, but it would be legitimate excuse to get away from his family for a short while each day and some time to urselves.
U also need to widen ur social circle, so that ur life does not revolve around him and his family.
I'm all for saving ur marriage..but if ur feeling trapped or depressed, tied for life ot these ppl who make you feel like nothing--is that marriage worth saving? They cut her down, chip away at her self esteem..she's said so many times that she's tried to communicate with them and the husband doesn't care..
Its not the first sign of trouble, I think she's mentioned that it's been like this since they married...She's educated, has a good future (if she works at it) and decent looking (lets take her word for that).. from what it sounds like, husband is an uneducated and lazy and feels intimidated (hence the treating her like crap)..
Angel, I think you first need to strengthen your self esteem, like others have said. It's not "ignoring" your husband but rather getting your own life. Making new freinds (I hope yu're not "forbiddeN" from making friends), going out on your own.
Re: advice please?
.. then probably he would be under complex and feel neglected somehow as well.
you shouldn't go by my earlier suggestion of 'ignoring him' rather you should take some time off from your studies (few months or so if you can) and spend it fully with him.. i think it would help. slowly make him understand that how beneficial your career would be not only for you, but also for him and for the kids as well.
emm.. ignore your mother in law's comments .. this is one of the 'entity' who would you rather dont wanna play with at this point of time
Re: advice please?
angel...I hate to say this but your husband sounds like a loser to me. A man who leaves his wife behind to go clubbing with his friends just doesnt seem like a decent man in the first place. Now..dont get me wrong I dont have a problem with a guy hanging out with his friends in fact if anything, I would encourage it.... but when he goes out with his friends and he nvr takes his wife out....something IS wrong! There has to be a balance between the two.
I agree with what Mamaof3 said above... if you choose to work this marriage out you'll have to make the most of what you have and try and make it work for you in order to be happy. Trying to change his mindset would be a very difficult task and would cause way too many problems. If you're still not happy then talk to him and let him know how you are feeling. If he doesnt respond to that...then have some patience. People often quit on their marriage prematurely.
My advice to you.... dont have have any kids until you work things out within your marriage. You wouldnt want to drag a child into an unhappy marriage.
Re: advice please?
Mr Ehsan is right, talk to YOUR family with your heart and with all seriousness.
I agree with her completely...he is emotionally abusing you...and the thing with that is either it willmake you or break you. Desi women r just one way or the other taught that their real lives will begin after they get married...u know the things that some of us r no way allowed to go near b4 marriage...
Anyway you know try reading this book by Dr Phil Mcgraw Relationship Rescue...its at least professional advice...go by your gut feelings...Pray to Allah for your betterment...and please donot have kids thinking that your relationship will improve becuz of them!!...It has to be a reason other then that. May Allah be your Guide!!:)
Re: advice please?
so u want him to show you off to the crowd to make you more self confident? MashAllah.
Re: advice please?
^ I don't think that's what she's saying.