Advice on how to deal with my father

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

LOL....are you serious? Firstly, killing him is not the "only way" the world is a better place. Your mother, you, and your sisters (if they're adults) are CHOOSING to stay with him. Leaving him would improve your and the rest of your family's lives with you guys are CHOOSING not to take that step. Secondly, if you get arrested and end up in jail, what will your mother/sisters go through then? You're not really helping them if you take them out of one painful situation and put them into another.

I'm not sure why you think you need to "publish" details of your family life in social networking sites. Do you not have face-to-face conversations, phone/private internet chats with your family members and friends? You don't need to lie or hide what's going on. When you're having a private conversation with a friend or family member, if something comes up where you need to reveal your father's abusive/controlling way, then do so. Don't lie. You need to get support from your friends/extended family members.....who knows...perhaps elders from the family (especially from your mother's side) can talk your mother into leaving a abusive marriage that's clearly damaging to the kids. But there's no need for you to publish all the details in a general way on a social networking site.

1) You may not know how the world operates but that doesn't mean you can't learn. If you're choosing not to gain this knowledge, then that's on you.

2) I don't know how old you are but if you're done with your Bachelor's degree, I don't know why you cannot be financially independent. Go out and get a job.

3) Its not that you can't leave but you're choosing not to leave. I get the emotional reasons for not leaving your mother and sisters behind. But ask yourself how are you helping them by staying with them? Are you preventing your father from beating your mother? Are you in any way preventing your father from being controlling towards them? Ask yourself what are you really contributing by staying with them.

By leaving and becoming independent yourself, you have the chance to help. You can't force your mother to leave if she doesn't want to. But by leaving and gaining independence while staying in touch with your sisters (I assume they're younger than you)....you can show your sisters that they don't have to live their life in this misery. When an entire family is being abused by one person, someone needs to take the first step, be a leader, and show others that it possible to get out.....and based on what you've written, it looks like you're the person best in position to take that role.

Besides, you have to leave your mother/sisters behind when you get married right?

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

[QUOTE]

I have said a few times to him that I don't believe in God anymore, I don't think there is any such thing as Islam. This is not what I believe but this is what I had hoped would shock him into changing himself.

We have prayed and read and made dua and done all that is possible for 20 plus years, yet our trails and suffering are not over, why would an all loving Allah not intervene by this point. If he isn't intervening, can I?
[/QUOTE]

well i feel really sorry about the situation u r going through n seriously dont know what advice/suggestion to give u regarding the scenario.. but just want to let u know that please dnt be disappointed n dont think that Allah Tala is not listening.. he definately listens to every person. and he will in sha ALLAH will solve ur problem.. u just pray 5 times a day n pray to him keeping full faith n beleive in him.. dont despair of mercy of Allah. dont think or try to intervene urself.. put ur trust in Allah..may Allah solve ur problem. aameen

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

My dad came to the US at the age of 17...alone...on a boat...with barely any money in his pocket and not even a phone to call his parents to tell them he reached his destination safely. They would never have known if something happened to him God forbid.

If a 17 year old minor can travel across the world with no idea where he was even going...then why can't you - a computer literate, seemingly educated female, living in the UK...not even get yourself a $10/hour job and move on out?

If you were living in some rural area in Pakistan, I get it. But that's not the case.

Pick up your family, take your mom with you and get out. Its really not that hard at all...but you'll never know unless you try. Sitting and allowing it to happen is enabling him to do this to you.

Insaan duniya mein akela hi paida hota hai. Your expectations from your family are useless...you are the only one who can help yourself. You're not helpless at all...not even half as much as you think.

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

First off... I don't really know if your father has narcissistic personality disorder, because his violent tendencies aren't really a major part of that disorder from what I've seen. I don't think labelling him with a personality disorder will help or give justification for his behaviour. It seems like he has a very narrow-minded and backwards approach to treating women and that has nothing to do with having a disorder of any kind. It's just ignorance.

Anyways, I would suggest first of all that you get your life in order before you worry about your sisters and moms. If you want to be a source of support for your mother and want her to leave the toxic household behind, then you need to be financially independent first. Your mom might consider it more seriously if she knows you girls can get by without your father in the picture. Your mother is just dependent on him despite all the abuse because she's afraid as well of getting out there. So the only way to change that mentality is for you and your sisters to find independence through getting a good job but please complete your education as well because that's important. I don't know how old you are but if you have an older sister who is more mature and working - then speak to her and form a bond and a game plan. If your mom isn't up to the idea of moving out, it doesn't mean you give up.

You need to first gain independence. I would not think bad thoughts or discuss family problems with others - ie. no posting stuff online, no telling relatives/close friends who can gossip and definately not harming your father. I know it's a stressful situation and I had an aunt who suffered through years of abuse, but you need to first take a stand yourself before you can expect your mom to take you seriously. Also, does your mom have any female friends or a source of support? Maybe someone closer to her age who she can reach out to for support? I know there are a lot of groups in communities who help women in abusive relationships overcome these situations. Speak to your sisters first though if your mom isn't responsive. Form a plan to gain independence and then tell your mother of your intentions.

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

i'm sorry to hear sbout your and your mom's and sibling's living situation.

no, killing him will bring more misery to you and to your family.

the best option is move out....way away from him...your mom doesn't have to divorce him...you and your family can disown him. just move to another place and forget if he ever existed.

you and your grown up siblings can get a jot, even with the minimum wage, you guys can hhave much happier and comfortable life...

...just have some courage and move out.

i wish you all the best and may Allah make things easier for you and your siblings and mom...aameen

yes, you can ask Allah for his death but that's not you and your mom may want deep in your heart.

be brave and good luck!

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

The other thing is...Allah swt intervenes through his creation. Meaning YOU. I am not sure what you expect an all knowing Allah swt to do when he has given you the tools you need yet you still do not help yourself?

No matter how bad things get...there's no magic potion or spell that will change everything overnight.

Its not Allah swt...its not your extended family...its you. Things will change once you realize you're the only one who can change them AND you start depending upon yourself. Prayer gives you the courage to do things and Allah waits for us to develop that courage. Once we do, he helps us the rest of the way.

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

You can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves or change but you can help yourself. You still have your whole life in front of you and you cannot spend it in this hell. It will destroy you too. You’re already reaching a point where murder seems like relief. You don’t want to be pushed to a point where all your hesitation to commit violence goes away. Also your prayers will never go in vain. He’s listening. You need to keep faith and remain strong. Your every tear is valuable and will be accounted for.

Even though in a dark time like this it may not seem like you have much of a future you need to start plotting one. And no not one with bloodshed and mayhem. Look at your education level and start actively looking for jobs. It might seem like a dangerous world out there for a sheltered girl but what your own blood is doing to you is far worse than what a stranger can do to you. You’re a tough girl to survive so much and I’m confident you can face challenges beyond the threshold of your house.

And learn your rights. You have both Islamic and British rights to have a healthy, happy existence no matter how much society pressurizes you. And it is possible to lean out and grasp them. You just need to push yourself. If you are eligible for housing benefits or something else look into it. If you are entitled to free legal advice then you need to know how you can access it. And imagine if when you’re standing on your own feet you can help out your siblings. You could protect them a hundred times more than if you’re not independent yourself.

I understand you need to validate yourself. And it seems like the ultimate justice to expose your father’s nature to the world and beyond. But your word against your father is not going to be an easy battle. And ultimately so what? People who turn their backs from abuse are worthless. Their opinion is garbage. Don’t let their words and judgement become real for you. In their hearts they know you’re truthful and their lies cannot wash away that. Don’t ever forget the power of your truth.

Open an anonymous blog and detail everything you want to let out. If you have fantasies of killing your father then write them out. If your father does something horrible then take your frustrations out on the anonymous blog. It’s not healthy to keep all these negative thoughts in. It would also be good evidence if you ever try and press charges. It will be an accurate timeline of all you had to suffer. It might be more helpful if you find an anonymous helpline where you can let out your anger.

If you need more advice on how to deal with everyday challenges a helpful stranger might be a good place to start.
http://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/national-helplines/http://www.itv.com/thismorning/child-abuse-survivor-support-helplines
Housing advice from Shelter - Shelter England
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100130028&sectionTitle=Legal+advice

And you say you’re praying for an intervention. What if Allah sent down you as the intervention? You won’t know until you try.

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

You have the option to leave OP as does your family. Yes you may not be world wise but its not that hard to leave. How old are you guys?

I'm in the UK if you want to PM me for info on refuges in my area.

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

Relates this to person that your father confides most outside of the family or local imam and solicit his/her advise in this matter.

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

PMd you

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

Reading your post has made me so sad inside, I’m sorry you’re going through all this and feel there is no way out.

Like a lot of the people here have said, you can be the change that needs to come about in your household. It isn’t going to be easy especially if your mother doesn’t agree. I have to say though that all those outsiders who look like they’re not helping can’t do a thing unless your mother wants things to change. I’m the outsider in the exact same situation as yours only the crazy person in my situation is the mother of the children but the father feels there is no heart that her lies can’t penetrate.

I really pray that Allah gives you and your mother the strength to stand up against this treatment and leave. Look through this site and see if they can help you, they have done so with others in similar situations as yours: http://www.nzf.org.uk/

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

I'm very sorry for you and your family members. My children were almost in this situation, luckily I left my husband when they were still little. This saved our lives.

You can all leave your abusive sitation too, there are shelter homes for females and children. Yet, this is a big decision. See if someone in your own family can't support you first and perhaps you can stay with that family member until you have your own home. If that doesn't work, then there are shelter homes. While living on your own, you slowly learn and you'll be allright. Plus there are people who can offer advise and help you get used to it. It will be a relieve for you. Knowing that nobody will come into your home from then on to physically and emotionally abuse any of you,knowing that you won't have to wake up in a home with such a horrible person anymore, to finally have calmness and rest in your lives. It's worth it imho.

On the other hand, you have te be completely sure you really want to do that, because not all fellow Pakistanis treat divorced people and children of divorced people well. Sometimes even your own family members will oppose your desire to leave, no matter how abusive the father in the family is towards his children en towards his wife. There is a chance that leaving might ruin your relationship with many people. On the other hand, you will know which ones of those are really worth keeping. In times like these you find out who is truly a real friend and a truly kind family member and who is not.

You have to be strong, all of you and help each other. So think about it and talk to your Mum and sisters, discuss which sacrifices you are willing to and you can make and wether it is worth it for you. It's a real fight in some cases to leave. Yet, once you finally are building a new life, it's worth it imho. This can be different however for everyone.

I personally am happy with my decision, for my children and me it was worth it. Yet, I have some friends (not all of them Pakistani, but have similar cultures in some aspects) who also left, did have regrets. For them it was too much to lose many other relationships. I wonder which is more important, your safety, your health, your well being or relationships with people who are bigots enough to feel you should remain married even if you're mistreated and miserable and don't want to live anymore.

By the way, you asked about leaving on your own, that is possible too. There are shelter homes even for people who are not in a relationship, but have problems with a parent. They can help you get away and then start your own life. Yet again, the same questions as when you all decide to leave, are you strong enough and is losing certain relationships because of this, worth it for you?

Lots of great advice in this thread, and some weird stuff as usual. In the end, it's your own decision if you can use any of it. See what's best for you in your situation.

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

By the way, for the people who don't understand why someone educated in the 'west' won't dare to leave, it depends on the way youre raised. If your family is too strict and allows nothing, then it is more difficult to be independant, no matter where you live. Especially when they isolate you by not allowing a job, not allowing friendships, or not allowing much contact with the friendships you do have, not allowing you to discuss such family matters with others for advice. Then all you have, is that family.

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

OP posted in a previous thread about how she came to be with her fiancé who is her cousin living in Pakistan. Her parents told her NOT to talk to him, yet she went behind their back and started a friendship/relationship with him through FB. Additionally, OP herself wrote that he has had any guy friends which leads me to believe she has many girl friends. Clearly her family is not controlling her 24/7 and OP has the freedom not only to maintain friendships…but to actually start a romantic relationship behind her parents back.

P.S. I am in no way bashing OP…simply pointing out that she is not as helpless & isolated as you’re making it seem.

http://www.paklinks.com/gs/relationships/629676-ive-got-good-news-this-time.html#post9809402

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

One thing for sure is that you, your mom and sisters do not have to take and should not take physical abuse and that too in a place like UK. No action against physical abuse only makes it worst. Tell him that next time he abuses your mom or someone else in household physically, you are going to call cops there is nothing wrong in it religiously, socially or humanly. If he repeats it, DO IT.

For mental abuse or for his illness, Is there anyone that he listens to like some friend who is close? perhaps some religious figure or someone in the family? Someone who can talk to him and make him go see therapist? I know someone personally who did not do physical abuse but was doing 24*7 mental abuse of her family. After seeing therapist for around 1 year, she is totally a different personality.

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

Hm, I haven’t read that thread, haven’t been in this section of GS in a while. And I’m not trying to make her seem helpless, she herself wrote:

*We live on egg shells and we are not allowed to go out, visit anybody, and keep any relations with our family. His view of Islam is that a woman’s work is in the household and he has a right to talk in a bad manner with her. He also has a failed marriage before him with 5 kids as well. I assume the reasons are the same. He has no empathy and restricts everything. Even how spoons are kept in the kitchen must be how he wants, how a dish is washed must be his way. What we wear must be his way – he himself never follows his rules. The list and events can go on and on. *

These are her own words, not mine.

Either way, internet definitely helps to find information to leave home. I remember the first time I had internet acces in my home was in 2000. That helped me get information and access to leave home with my children and go to a safe house. OP can do the same; coffeegirl, see where you can find help in your area. I see your location is U.K. They definitely have arrangements for people in your situation. In the Netherlands, there are even special safe houses for Islamic females, perhaps you have them in the U.K. as well. Ask your Mum if she’d be willing to live in one of those for a while. No males are allowed in either kind of safe house, sometimes you have one or two work there, such as a plumber perhaps. Other than that, it’s all females and children. It gives time to relax, to deal with issues, to find your own home, perhaps an education, and a job.

By the way, in case any male is in trouble and reading this, there are safe houses for males in similar situations too. Well, we have them here in the Netherlands anyway and I read somewhere they are creating more in different places.

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

You are not helpless there are a lot of good souls out there who would give their lives to help you .

All you have to do is to make a phone call and you and lives of your family will change forever and you will be glad that you called.
Remember you are not living in a third world country you are living in UK.

I am copying these for your attention you might not have noticed since they got buried in long replies:
http://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/national-helplines/http://www.itv.com/thismorning/child…port-helplines
http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_ad…womens_refuges
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp…e=Legal+advice
Home

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Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

I have some food for thought for the OP:

Figure out how much your parents have spent on you since your birth. Find that amount of money however you can. Pay them back and then feel free to disown / divorce them and be on your merry way.

Until you can do that, hold your peace and make the best of the situation, without the intention of stabbing them in the back, like some folks are suggesting.

If your situation is bad, don't make it worse by acting bratty and rude with your parents and inciting their anger.

While what your father did to you was excessive to an extreme when you physically insulted your mother, think about how much you hurt your parents with your bad, disrespectful behaviour, and thanklessness.

If you can't bring yourself to be good to them then just do what I said above.
Fair is fair. Life is about give and take, not just take and take.
It is not just about me, me, me all the time.
At least pay them back what you owe them in monetary terms and then leave for good.