Advice on how to deal with my father

[Sahdia77]

Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

Being a parent doesn't mean you can abusive your children as much as you want. Children have rights too. The prophet (saww) even allowed a Muslima to say no to a marriage choice of her parents.

If parents abuse a child so much that that child doesn't even want to live anymore or the life of that child is in danger in other ways, the child does have the right to leave. Allah is not cruel . . .

I am saying this as a parent myself.

[Mirch]

Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

Being a parent doesn't mean you can abusive your children as much as you want. Children have rights too. The prophet (saww) even allowed a Muslima to say no to a marriage choice of her parents.

If parents abuse a child so much that that child doesn't even want to live anymore or the life of that child is in danger in other ways, the child does have the right to leave. Allah is not cruel . . .

I am saying this as a parent myself.

I agree 100% .
Raising kids is not a business like a nursing home where kids have to pay back the expenses incurred by parents, it is a responsibility.
If someone was just enjoying sleeping with his wife and was not hoping to have kids as a consequens of that enjoyment then they might resent their kids and wife, otherwise most of us parents chose to have kids out of love and affection therefore all they need and deserve is love , care, nurturing , guidance and yes discipline also.
But disciplining does not mean make their lives hell to the point that they prefer death over their lives.

[coffeegirl]

Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

@Paheli00

OP posted in a previous thread about how she came to be with her fiancé who is her cousin living in Pakistan. Her parents told her NOT to talk to him, yet she went behind their back and started a friendship/relationship with him through FB. Additionally, OP herself wrote that he has had any guy friends which leads me to believe she has many girl friends. Clearly her family is not controlling her 24/7 and OP has the freedom not only to maintain friendships…but to actually start a romantic relationship behind her parents back.

P.S. I am in no way bashing OP…simply pointing out that she is not as helpless & isolated as you’re making it seem.

http://www.paklinks.com/gs/relationships/629676-ive-got-good-news-this-time.html#post9809402

Just thought I would clear a few miss understandings.
I don’t have a lot of freedom but I am also my father’s golden child, I am his faviourte and as I am the eldest, he refers to me as his son when he really feels like trying to get me on his side. Now yes it is true, I fall for the emotional blackmail.

So leaving for me is a lot more than escaping the abuse and moving on, because the abuse is more towards my mum and sisters as well as me, but I sometimes am not that involved only because I shut up.

The advice is brilliant so thank you everyone for that. As of yet I am still thinking about what to do and what to think about.
Someone said in a post above me, you have to realise which relationships are worth sacrificing. Now I know that me and mum have been together through a lot and for me to just leave her like that in the middle is something I would hate to do. My mum is pretty much my best friend and I wouldn’t want to leave her hence having to really think about it.

Yes I did talk to him when my mum said no - but only because my mum’s no was a sort of ( its up to you, do what you feel is best) and I did. And alhumduliah, its all going well and my mum has no objections to it. Neither would my dad have objections to the rishta, in fact this is where he wants me to get married anyway. So actually I talk to him with the blessings of my mum and for me that means a lot more to me than anything else. Another thing, there is no thing as my parents - its either my mum or dad.

In terms of restriction - my dad doesn’t know a lot about computers and the internet and I do all his admin work for him therefore have access to the internet 24/7.
That’s all the freedom I pretty much got

Keep the advice coming, it is helping me

[coffeegirl]

Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

I have some food for thought for the OP:

Figure out how much your parents have spent on you since your birth. Find that amount of money however you can. Pay them back and then feel free to disown / divorce them and be on your merry way.

Until you can do that, hold your peace and make the best of the situation, without the intention of stabbing them in the back, like some folks are suggesting.

If your situation is bad, don't make it worse by acting bratty and rude with your parents and inciting their anger.

I already said to my mum I will paying back to be a daughter of this house.
I never act bratty or rude.
First and foremost I am a muslim and even if I am not happy with the way my father treats us - I would never be rude back to him or abusive.

I believe an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

My mothers tarbeeyat has always been , if someone else is doing bad does not mean you should as well -- no matter how hard the world gets , how advanced - always follow islamic teachings, you will never go wrong.

[Sara516]

Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

I have some food for thought for the OP:

Figure out how much your parents have spent on you since your birth. Find that amount of money however you can. Pay them back and then feel free to disown / divorce them and be on your merry way.

Until you can do that, hold your peace and make the best of the situation, without the intention of stabbing them in the back, like some folks are suggesting.

If your situation is bad, don't make it worse by acting bratty and rude with your parents and inciting their anger.

While what your father did to you was excessive to an extreme when you physically insulted your mother, think about how much you hurt your parents with your bad, disrespectful behaviour, and thanklessness.

If you can't bring yourself to be good to them then just do what I said above. Fair is fair. Life is about give and take, not just take and take. It is not just about me, me, me all the time. At least pay them back what you owe them in monetary terms and then leave for good.

I'm not sure if this is the right post--coffeegirl seems to be respectful of her mother, even with negative feelings against her father and hasn't physically assaulted her mother. Are you thinking of the "forced to move back to Pak" thread?

[TS]

Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

@TS

I have some food for thought for the OP:

Figure out how much your parents have spent on you since your birth. Find that amount of money however you can. Pay them back and then feel free to disown / divorce them and be on your merry way.

Until you can do that, hold your peace and make the best of the situation, without the intention of stabbing them in the back, like some folks are suggesting.

If your situation is bad, don’t make it worse by acting bratty and rude with your parents and inciting their anger.

While what your father did to you was excessive to an extreme when you physically insulted your mother, think about how much you hurt your parents with your bad, disrespectful behaviour, and thanklessness.

If you can’t bring yourself to be good to them then just do what I said above.
Fair is fair. Life is about give and take, not just take and take.
It is not just about me, me, me all the time.
At least pay them back what you owe them in monetary terms and then leave for good.

@coffeegirl

I already said to my mum I will paying back to be a daughter of this house.
I never act bratty or rude.
First and foremost I am a muslim and even if I am not happy with the way my father treats us - I would never be rude back to him or abusive.

I believe an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

My mothers tarbeeyat has always been , if someone else is doing bad does not mean you should as well – no matter how hard the world gets , how advanced - always follow islamic teachings, you will never go wrong.

@Sara516

I’m not sure if this is the right post–coffeegirl seems to be respectful of her mother, even with negative feelings against her father and hasn’t physically assaulted her mother. Are you thinking of the “forced to move back to Pak” thread?

Oops. This is embarrassing. :sid:

Thanks, Sara. Yes this was meant for “Parents forced me to move back to Pak”.

Sorry CofeeGirl. My apologies.

[coffeegirl]

Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

@TS

Oops. This is embarrassing. :sid:

Thanks, Sara. Yes this was meant for “Parents forced me to move back to Pak”.

Sorry CofeeGirl. My apologies.

It’s alright! No problem

[queen_24]

Re: Advice on how to deal with my father

@coffeegirl

Many a times, I have asked my mother to leave him, given her options but she has always said no, what is the point now? I don’t want you to grow up without a father;** however she fails to understand that she has destroyed our childhood and our adult lives. We live in despair and just want to die. **

How easily have you said this. If she had made the decision in your childhood when you were unable to understand the reasons, you would have been blaming her for taking you kids away from your Father. You would have been calling her a mean mother. You are able to say this only because you know the kind of father you have. Only because you have witnessed the situation.

I believe she chose to live this life just for her children! And sorry to say, but ye sila day rahi hay unki aulad unhe is qurbani ka!!

Baqi, I pray to Allah, may he help you guys to cope up with this situation and give you patience to bear this difficult situation of your life.