So I have been doing pretty well in my career, have a good circle of friends, and have a full social calender. I am Muslim (not just in name) so I have avoided temptations of dating or even being interested in women. Not to brag or anything but there have been many instances where women have expressed interest and even given me telephone numbers, but I don’t want to do anything against sinful/haram.
Due to my line of work, I mostly interact and spend the bulk of time with non Muslim females and the few ‘Muslim’ colleagues that I do have are no different (smoking, drinking, all the other haram activities). So its like whats the point?
Recently I have began to think about the future and where I am headed. I have a colleague who is an amazing person with a great heart..Lebanese christian actually..but unfortunately she also drinks, and when we are all hanging out at a lounge (after work) her dress is not modest at all. Recently we have been working pretty close (along with 3 others) so there is definitely a certain spark.
This past weekend, I was driving everyone home (since I am the designated driver) with Sarah sitting up front with 3 of our colleagues passed out drunk in the back seat. She was pretty out of it as well. As I was driving,she was talking randomly until she started talking about me and how she was in love with me and too shy to bring it up. I almost spun out of control (thank G-d the roads were empty) because I did not expect something like this from her. Besides she has had a boyfriend for 2 years.
Since then she called to apologize for saying many things (I am not sure how much she remembers) and I played it off like it was not big deal…but it is a HUGE deal! I have tried to do the right thing and steer clear of any temptation, but its pretty hard this time around because 1. We are very similar in terms of personality (not the other haram stuff) 2. She is damn attractive (as much as a Pakistani girl) 3. It is so easy to talk/get along.
Now the problems part: 1. She is not Muslim 2. I can’t deal with the drama of her BF 3. Although I am not engaged/my parents have not selected anyone for me, I am expected to marry a Pakistani Pakhtun girl college educated in the West.
So its like what am I dong here? On the other hand, its pretty tough to ignore what she said Friday night. I don’t want to mess around but emotions are flying pretty high because I went back started to think about everything that she did for me like: write me emails every day, pick up my dry cleaning (I was traveling on assignment) and made lunch for me way too many times. All of it makes sense now…
Keep your distance from her, try not to let her do those things again since u got an inkling of her true feelings towards you. I'm sure she's a lovely person, but since ur not the type to just have a fling.. try to resist.. i know easier said than done, but consider her a test of ur faith. :)
I assume you're looking for a long-term relationship and not a fling. You must not mess around with her. But if you really like her, you can let her know how you feel and see how she reacts? Maybe she can accommodate your beliefs, since you say that she does like you and is ‘an amazing person with a great heart’. What I don’t like however is the fact that she, according to you, is in a relationship and hence she’s being unfaithful to her partner by expressing her love for you. I’m normally wary of the people who have their bodies for one person and their eyes / heart set on another. In any case, don’t let your raw emotions lead you.
Keep your distance from her, try not to let her do those things again since u got an inkling of her true feelings towards you. I'm sure she's a lovely person, but since ur not the type to just have a fling.. try to resist.. i know easier said than done, but consider her a test of ur faith. :)
Thanks Sara. I think I am going change assignments so that I don't have to be around her. We all work pretty closely so I can't be giving the cold shoulder because we work and hang out together after work. I definitely don't want to hurt her feelings but I am can't go down that path.
Funny thing is that if she was a Muslim or Pakistani, I would be willing to set aside everything from her past (if she repented to G-d) but I can't even BEGIN to think about it in this situation. The sad part is that she has a good heart and I know it.
I assume you're looking for a long-term relationship and not a fling. You must not mess around with her. But if you really like her, you can let her know how you feel and see how she reacts? Maybe she can accommodate your beliefs, since you say that she does like you and is ‘an amazing person with a great heart’. What I don’t like however is the fact that she, according to you, is in a relationship and hence she’s being unfaithful to her partner by expressing her love for you. I’m normally wary of the people who have their bodies for one person and their eyes / heart set on another. In any case, don’t let your raw emotions lead you.
Actually the funny thing is that TRADITIONAL Lebanese Christians are really no different culturally than Muslims. Usually boy likes girl, boys family goes to the girl's family/there is wali and an informal engagement. Boy meets girl in the presence of Wali, gets to know each other and then they marry when the time is right. My aunt is Lebanese, so I consulted the source :D
But unless I can get a different assignment, the work deal makes it really complicated because EVERYone knows everyone, its like high school...I just hope those drunken friends were truly passed out in the back seat.
You're right about the whole unfaithful thing but its not like she said it when she was fully sober..I mean its a feeling right? I am pretty sure that she is embarrassed by this and Monday is going to be pretty awkward. If we take out the feelings, then it would be so very easy.
To those folks saying get a wife - any ideas? Are you guys suggesting that I pick up some random Paki girl or ask my family to find some chick from back home?
It might sound like I have high standards when I say that I want it all: A girl who is my best friend, a sincere Muslim (don't care about the past), one that my family approves, and is at least as intelligent as me if not more.
pak-one...too many issues are complicating this. she may be a nice girl and you click on that level but think about how your requirements (your own, your parents and other social requirements) will need some changes for her to fit in. can you really ask her to change certain aspects? will she do this? and will she resent some time in the future? or are you willing to compromise on your principles? best to leave it in a nice/amicable way...keep away if you are not able to present her to your family without complications.
pak-one...too many issues are complicating this. she may be a nice girl and you click on that level but think about how your requirements (your own, your parents and other social requirements) will need some changes for her to fit in. can you really ask her to change certain aspects? will she do this? and will she resent some time in the future? or are you willing to compromise on your principles? best to leave it in a nice/amicable way...keep away if you are not able to present her to your family without complications.
Yes thats just it. I mean I can't even think about all of these issues based a drunken girls confession. I'll let you guys know how it goes tomorrow.
Besides, I just realized that even if I was ok with everything and wanted to pursue this I would be wrecking things with her BF - a guy who I met and seems like a decent fellow - Islamically or not, that would be so wrong.
Since then she called to apologize for saying many things (I am not sure how much she remembers) and I played it off like it was not big deal...but it is a HUGE deal! I have tried to do the right thing and steer clear of any temptation, but its pretty hard this time around because 1. We are very similar in terms of personality (not the other haram stuff) 2. She is damn attractive (as much as a Pakistani girl) 3. It is so easy to talk/get along.
Now the problems part: 1. She is not Muslim 2. I can't deal with the drama of her BF 3. Although I am not engaged/my parents have not selected anyone for me, I am expected to marry a Pakistani Pakhtun girl college educated in the West.
Any advice?
definitely... try to forget her. she drinks, she is a christian, differnt nationality... so many things are against her. I dunno why but i dun like the inter racial marriage thing. I mean many ppl of diff castes, religion etc DO get married but I think as it is, its difficult to settle down with a person of same nationality, imagine the conflicts and probs a person has to face in inter racial marriage.
u seem like a gud guy and decent... dun let lust control u. its just infatuation(cus shes so attractive).... better marry a gal frm ur place... no one is sayin u dun get to choose the girl... talk for some time, get to know each other with the gal ur parents want to fix u wid and .... the rest will b ok!
Reading your story took me back to a lot of stuff my friends went thru in college. Bottom line, yeah there is attraction and it all looks great now but when the situation is changed then you need more substantial stuff to keep the relationship going and the most substantial thing is religion... this is just my observation I could be wrong you may be totally ready to settle down and being around an attractive woman who also clicks with you on a worldly level you feel that this might be it. But look at the bigger picture .... down the road, do you really want to be with someone that you have worldly things in common with but on the religion front you wouldn't want her raising your kids. I've seen a lot of couples where the guy thought this girl is perfect she respects my parents, my religion, somewhere down the line she might revert and become a good muslimah.... yeah that may happen but it may not either....
Try to get yourself out of this situation so that there is no temptation.... and do look around for a good muslimah who is also pakistani pakhtun, its a very good thing on your part abt not being bothered abt her past. May Allah make it easy for you. BTW don't forget to pray to Allah for a good life partner :)
People get crushes frequently, some are pursued, some are not. Often it's the curiosity, chemistry, and challenge that motivate us into relationships. Once we're in the relationship, the real world sets in.
Love is really important. But marriage is about love and a lot more. You need trust and respect. You need to be able to see her as a partner for the future and as a member of your family. If you can see all that, without demanding her to change, then pursue it. It is unfair to expect her to change, and she may not be looking for or expecting any sort of long term committed relationship (with you or others). It's probably best to enjoy the little crush but recognize that it isn't going anywhere.
Now find ways to interact, network, and socialize with Muslim women who can be partners with you in your future home and family.
Anything she said was just the drink talking. Ignore it, it's just misleading.
^ exactly...I was just about to say the same. When a person is drunk they say all sorts of things....not necessarily what they may feel in reality. Next day they usually regret it.
brother....you know how these women are.....they get drunk...sleep with someone...and declare the next morning that it didnt mean anything....I would not want to be with someone like that....
and you are right...you should change your shift...it will make it easier for you to avoid her...we all have instincts that help us make decisions....Which instinct....? thats for you to decide....
