Salaams to all. I am a long time lurker of GS but a first time poster. I need some mature advice regarding marriage.
I am a 22 year old female who has been born and raised abroad. I am also in my final year of uni. The problem is that my parents have absolutely no intention on getting me engaged anytime soon. I have told my mother countless times that, while I do not want to get married until I finish uni, I do think that she should at least start looking as finding a good rishta these days is difficult. But she keeps saying “jou b kismet mein hai will happend.” It’s almost like she fails to recognize that I am growing up.
I am concerned because it appears that a lot of people are getting married younger these days. Furthermore, I do not want to get to the age of 24-26 and then see my parents trying to scramble around and find a good rishta because, from my observations, most people want a girl that is young. I am concerned that the longer they wait, the harder it will be and all the decent guys will be taken. It becomes more complicated because of the fact that my first preference is to marry a guy from here.
My mother has told me that she doesn’t mind if I find a guy myself. The only problem is that every Pakistani guy I know is horribly incompatible and I am not the type of girl to engage in dating etc. This is what confuses me- if my mother is fine with me finding someone then why isn’t she making the effort herself? It is horribly confusing and frustrating.
I do not know what to do. I was considering speaking to my Khala about the situation and have her speak to my mother about it but I am not too sure how to approach this either. I do not want to look “besharam” etc but I really feel that I am at the age now where my parents need to be looking around.
Please offer some useful suggestions. It will be very much appreciated.
well i guess your mum doesn't want to follow/conform to society norms and feel the need to start looking yet, perhaps they're feeling that u have enuff on your plate with studies and all.
the best laid planning is no planning at all. eventually everything falls into place.
In the same boat. Just start looking for yourself. Yep, and most of the guys you meet are going to be a tough pill to swallow. I guess we have to work with what we've got. Pakistani boys aren't the most ... handsome... or refined...
LOL I smiled throughout your post because I sometimes think the same exact way. but come on, you're only 22?? I'm 24 and I'm in my second year of medical school here. Its gotten to a point where my friends tell me "dude, you need to tell your mom its time haha" and I kinda feel left out when all of them are complaining about their amma's nagging them to get married- my mom? nice and chill :)
Are you the youngest child? I know that in my case my mum and dad are kinda holding this off because I'm the youngest daughter. Also, do they KNOW that you're going for post-graduate education? it could be that they want you to atleast start your post-graduate degree before they wanna start looking?
Yeah, well, all that is fine, but the best fish are getting nabbed by the chalaak girls who opted not to get fancy degrees, sit at home with dupattas on their head and smile sweetly as proposals come in, and guess what? Awesome girls like us are at a higher risk of remaining single, becuase we waited too long. We still come from a world and culture where our womb is more valued than our brains, unfortunately.
So no harm in looking around early and nabbing someone good. But if you're not finding anyone attractive yet, don't rush into things. Because I've seen some really bad marriages and break-ups because people were more desperate to have a marriage than be married to the right person.
But if you find someone you click with, by all means, don't push the guy away.
Oh wow I thought I was the only girl going through this. All of my close friends are in the process of getting engaged/married. I feel left out :(
PCG: I agree with you. It seems that it's come to a point where girls are finishing uni later because they choose to study more. In such cases all the decent guys are being taken by the girls who choose to stay home. It is also so difficult finding a compatible guy. For example, I am almost done with law school so obviously I want a guy with a similar level of intelligence. I feel as though a lot of Pakistani guys are intimidated by girls in prestigious professions as they need to feel more competent than their wives.
Safoora: After law school I will be done with my studies so there is really no further post-grad stuff I will be undertaking. I, like you, am the youngest too but that doesn't mean I want to stay home forever. Doesn't it bother you that your parents aren't even considering it yet?
I mean I understand education comes first and all that but why aren't they even LOOKING yet? Yes I want to be independent and career-oriented etc etc but that is not ALL I want?
So what do you girls think about me approaching my khala about this? Anyone ever done this? Good idea or bad?
But as I'm older than your 22 (by a day or so ;)), let's just say my mother now regrets that I didn't take greater advantage of meeting someone when I was in school. While I was raised super-traditional (the whole larkon sai baat nahin karo, no co-ed mingling or dating, etc.), in hindsight, my mum realizes that if you've raised your children right, they as parents need to have faith that their child can find a partner for themselves and still be a "good" person.
The reality is that once you're out of school, the social opportunities to find someone on your own seriously dwindle and the whole parent meet and greet only works if you've got a decent size and quality pool of potential candidates - both guys and girls.
So my advice, keep your eyes and options open and be willing to consider a guy who could be a good partner - but do so in a way where your actions don't cause you to be or feel apologetic.
The youngest ones go through this because guess what?
You guys keep your parents young. Thats why.
Anyway, do not worry about this stuff. Life happens when you least expect it. Marriage happens when you didn't think it would. Focus on your life, maybe someone will come into your life and maybe someone will be brought into your life. Talk to your Khala about it openly and tell her all of your friends are getting married...why aren't you? This is if you really want to get married in the next year or so.
There are a whole bunch of girls in your position, including me. I'm 24 and in grad school... my mom hasn't even started looking for me yet. It bothers me soo much and it becomes more difficult when you have older unmarried siblings. I don't date either, nor am I the type of girl to go out to isna or sheesha night to find a husband. I don't think the guys are feeling intimidated by girls who choose to get higher education and become lawyers, doctors, dentists, etc... sometimes I think it's their mothers who prefer the girls who might be more likely to sit at home and not work. That irks me because it's not like lawyers, doctors, dentists, etc. are incapable of having happy marriages and homes. I have a feeling I'm going to end up on shaadi.com, lol.
If your khala is open-minded and you're really close to her, then yeah, have a talk with her. Maybe the khala will become more active in searching for you than your parents. But remember everything happens when it's meant to happen.
you know when they say that couples are made in heaven? that's REALLY true :)
do not think too much about marriage. keep going on in your life. the guy who is for you will come to you himself. and definitely do NOT compromise your standards just to hook a guy. i mean, don't start dating or socialising more with guys just to land a guy. These are all matters of Qismat.
Your mom is actually right. It will happen when Allah wants it to happen.
I know this sounds a bit too passive of an approach but trust me, your efforts in this matter cannot bear much fruit. it will happen only when it is willed by Allah.
all you should do is "go about your life and not think of this much". Just be normal.
If you really want to get married, try to pray namaz and pray to Allah to get you married soon. but definitely do nothing more.
there are people who search and search, date and date, but no success. There are people who get engaged so many times but no marriage. So really, it is only Allah that will make things happen. So pray to Him :)
I havent read all the posts here but I really do not understand this thing with Pakistani girls & boys.................. They claim to be mature but still want to remain a little baby at 20+ & want their parents to find them THEIR future life partner.
IMO, humans are usually mature enough after 18 to be able to find a suitable life partner for themselves. Why dont you act slightly responsible & also try to find yourself a suitable match & do not let mama-papa spoon feed you even that? I mean it is one thing asking their opinion in something you wish to do or about someone you wish to marry but it is another to completely remain in the cradle with a milk bottle in your hands & let them carry a life partner for you to the cradle.
I mean, they brought you up, got you good education, took care of all your needs till 22, is that not enough? I am sure Pakistani parents trust their children to have finally matured after all those years of growing up to atleast find a life partner by themselves, dont you think? Be responsible please!
I havent read all the posts here but I really do not understand this thing with Pakistani girls & boys.................. They claim to be mature but still want to remain a little baby at 20+ & want their parents to find them THEIR future life partner.
IMO, humans are usually mature enough after 18 to be able to find a suitable life partner for themselves. Why dont you act slightly responsible & also try to find yourself a suitable match & do not let mama-papa sppon feed you even that? I mean it is one thing asking their opinion in something you wish to do or about someone you wish to marry but it is another to completely remain in the cradle with a milk bottle in your hands & let them carry a life partner to you there too.
I mean, they brought you up, got you good education, took care of all your needs till 22, is that not enough? I am sure Pakistani parents trust their children to have finally matured & grown after all those years of growing up to atleast find a life partner by themselves, dont you think? Be responsible please!
Little too strong eh?
It all depends on a person's choice if the person wants to involve family in decision like this or not.
Finding a mate yourself or through family's blessings. In comparison none can be considered perfect and flawless.
So why advice something which has not been proven perfect, or even better than other?
I mean you really dont need to talk to khala, chacha, phupho, taya or be so frustrated about your parents not too excited to get you a partner for your life too.
Just be a grown up & if you think you're mature enough to get engaged or marry, take charge of your life & FIND someone you think is mature enough too to plan / start a married life with you.
Oh wow I thought I was the only girl going through this. All of my close friends are in the process of getting engaged/married. I feel left out :(
PCG: I agree with you. It seems that it's come to a point where girls are finishing uni later because they choose to study more. In such cases all the decent guys are being taken by the girls who choose to stay home. It is also so difficult finding a compatible guy. For example, I am almost done with law school so obviously I want a guy with a similar level of intelligence. I feel as though a lot of Pakistani guys are intimidated by girls in prestigious professions as they need to feel more competent than their wives.
Safoora: After law school I will be done with my studies so there is really no further post-grad stuff I will be undertaking. I, like you, am the youngest too but that doesn't mean I want to stay home forever. Doesn't it bother you that your parents aren't even considering it yet?
I mean I understand education comes first and all that but why aren't they even LOOKING yet? Yes I want to be independent and career-oriented etc etc but that is not ALL I want?
So what do you girls think about me approaching my khala about this? Anyone ever done this? Good idea or bad?
I know being youngest doesn't mean that, but trust me- I'm with Reha when she says we keep them young :) They probably cherish you a lot more now esp. when you have older siblings married off. I once dropped a hint to my dad that career is not ALL i'm after, and I think they understand. If you want, you can talk to your khala OR ask one of your married/engaged friends to talk to your mom. But quite honestly, its gonna happen when and with whom it's written with- I'm all for keeping yourself open to such options but don't worry about this stuff right now.
Please correct me on this if I'm wrong, but there's this hadith that says something like- Three times are written for a person, time of birth, marriage and death.
Nowhere did I suggest to completely discard her parents advice on the matter. Please read my post clearly. All I am saying is that she is mature enough to do that herself. Nobody is denying to obtain the advice or blessings from the parents.
Also I never talked about any scenario being perfect or imperfect. All I am saying is that after 18, humans are usually mature enough for that. I did not reject the possiility of a wrong choice or decision that is why I also said in my first post that nothing wrong in obtaining their advice on the matter.
Little too strong eh?
It all depends on a person's choice if the person wants to involve family in decision like this or not.
Finding a mate yourself or through family's blessings. In comparison none can be considered perfect and flawless.
So why advice something which has not been proven perfect, or even better than other?
i am 25.... not married... but my problem is different
anyways.... dont stress just pray.... instead of talking to anyone... just pray to Allah. just pray to Allah that He gives u a life partner who is naik and saleh......... and Allah listens the most..... coz its all in His hand ONLY!!! ....... no mom no dad or even ourself can do anything about it!!
so dont stress urself.... read loads of Darood Shareef, and pray that He selects a partner for you who is naik and saleh, and is best for you!!!
