Recently had an argument with husband where it came out that he finds home life stressful because I am too dependant on him. He feels I need to be more proactive make more decisions without involving him. Examples he gave though seemed like little things and not really something to be stressed about. Things like if the bin in bedroom isn’t emptied as soon as possible he finds that annoying. If things aren’t cleared away in kitchen asap. He also mentioned that I should consider myself lucky that he helps out with our children because other husbands don’t do that. If he helps feed them or put them to bed then that’s lucky for me. But that’s just what fathers do so I’m not sure why he thinks it should be such a big thing for me. He implied that he was doing his duty as a husband but i am failing in my duty as a wife. He said he wants me to be more proactive but he couldn’t give me a definite answer in what way he wants that. He doesn’t want to be involved in any house related or children related decisions and he wants me to do it all myself which I can understand if its small things but big things should be a joint decision shouldn’t they? Since the argument he’s also been distant, hardly talks, no verbal or physical affection of any kind. I’m not sure how to deal with it. Any advice would be appreciated. His attitude is really getting me upset. I find myself crying but if I tell him I’m upset it doesn’t seem to affect him. I can’t ask family or friends for advice.
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
Why did you get married?
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
He feels I need to be more proactive make more decisions **without involving him. He doesn't want to be involved in any house related or children related decisions and he wants me to do it all myself which I can understand if its small things but **big things should be a joint decision shouldn't they?
So what exactly caused this latest argument? What is your definition of a big thing that you think he should be involved in?
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
The two examples you gave of clearing out the trash bin and dishes is more of a housekeeping issue, what does that have to do with you being more proactive? Do you wait until he says something before you take care of these tasks? 
Can you give some examples of things he wants you to take care of without consulting him that you’re not?
In my own family, I am pretty much in charge of all things kids/house related. Anything that has to do with the kids, their activities, schooling, shopping, socializing, etc or home related like decorating, upgrades, improvements, repairs etc is taken care of by me. I keep my husband involved by letting him know what’s going on and definitely discussing financial/budgeting decisions with him, but other then that, I don’t wait around for him to make a decision or do something himself, unless it’s a repair that I know he can take care of himself..then I just ask him to fix it and he does lol 
And I also have a full time career outside of the house. If there is a scheduling conflict because of my work or I need help with pickup/drop off, he definitely jumps in to help or works from home that day. Is it really a bad thing to have one parent in charge of one thing?
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
ignore him back. hes an idiot. all men are idiots. And while you are at ignoring him, put extra salt in his food intentionally. thats how you handle arguments like a mature adult.
you can also throw his trouser down which he leaves hanging around where it shouldnt be and jump on it.
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
So what exactly caused this latest argument? What is your definition of a big thing that you think he should be involved in?
We argued about how our two year old wasn't in any kind of routine. She IS in a routine but not in a routine he thinks is suitable for her. However seeing as how I an home with our toddler every day and he isn't the routine works for us. Plus everyone comes home at 7pm in the evening and this is why she goes to sleep at 8pm. I used to put her to bed at 7pm but then my in laws and my husband complained that they didn't get enough time with her so her bedtime was changed to suit the needs of the family. Also he decided with my FIL and MIL that our toddler should start nursery because it will help her get into a routine better and that she can be educated in a better way than what I can do with her. Whether our child starts nursery or not and when should be a decision made by both of us. I am our child's mother, I know what's best for her because I am with her 24/7. But he said he didn't think he was wrong and this is what's happening. Straight after he told me he wants me to make more independent decisions. Which makes no sense because the decisions I make are mainly based around our children. And whatever decision is needed to be made concerning nursery or school or anything like that should be a joint decision between us. My argument on why she is too young for nursery and how it isn't necessary was ignored. I take her out to the park, we go to playgroups, I take her to mum and baby classes. Where is the need for an early nursery start when I provide this for her already?
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
Just say yes to end the argument. You don't have to act upon your husband or inlaws' suggestions.
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
I think your problems go deeper than just not emptying trash bins on time. What I understand from your post is that he would like you to clean the kitchen as soon as possible instead of your own timeline. Bins too should be empty when he fills these are almost full, while you might think they still have room. I guess for big decisions you mean that for example whether she should go to public or private school should be a joint decision while what you should cook for her today should be yours alone. Your husband seems like a very management oriented person and likes things neat and streamlined.
Think of an office where things are under control mostly, that's how he would like to see it. Try and organize yourself so that you have ample time to clean up after each meal, empty bins when these are three fourths full instead of to the brim, make sure baby is fed, neat and clean when he comes home and you also look presentable. Don't ask him for advice for each and every thing and try to be proactive.
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
I’ve answered in bold to your questions
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
I think your problems go deeper than just not emptying trash bins on time. What I understand from your post is that he would like you to clean the kitchen as soon as possible instead of your own timeline. Bins too should be empty when he fills these are almost full, while you might think they still have room. I guess for big decisions you mean that for example whether she should go to public or private school should be a joint decision while what you should cook for her today should be yours alone. Your husband seems like a very management oriented person and likes things neat and streamlined.
Think of an office where things are under control mostly, that's how he would like to see it. Try and organize yourself so that you have ample time to clean up after each meal, empty bins when these are three fourths full instead of to the brim, make sure baby is fed, neat and clean when he comes home and you also look presentable. Don't ask him for advice for each and every thing and try to be proactive.
I hope I don't sound completely clueless but proactive how? In the ways you've suggested? Like be more organised and quicker in the things I do? Thank you for your suggestions and advice I really appreciate it. He's also ignoring me and being quite cold at the minute. Should I just focus on fixing this and just let him come around?
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
Why is he not clearing the dishes or the bin... He sounds like a micromanager who wants to get thinks done his way and not actually do the dirty work himself. He is also belittling all the decisions just because they are not his. All that talk about you making your own decisions is BS. He's looking at you as a little girl who needs guidance and hand holding because from his perspective all of your decisions are dumb. He wants you to outgrow that silly habit and act like a mature person by agreeing to his every decision. This is classic anal behaviour pretty much in every textbook and honestly a time will come when you'll be breathing wrong. You need to find a way to say jee huzoor without actually bowing to his every whim because he's going to get critical critical and will question every single decision.
ps: I'm not even kidding about the textbook part. Any person who has opened a psychology book can recognise this behaviour instantly.
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
Emotional Abuse: The Quiet Killer ⋆ LonerWolf
Please read this asap. I don’t think you’re at fault at all.
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
Just say yes to end the argument. You don't have to act upon your husband or inlaws' suggestions.
I told him she wasn't going and there was no need for it until she's at least three. He said the decision was made, she IS going, she's starting in September and he has an application form for a nursery near where my FIL works. He's spoken to the nursery manager and wants her doing four sessions every morning. They last five hours, from 7:30am to 12:30pm. Its like the three of them against me. He said I hadn't given a valid argument for her to NOT start nursery. And he thinks she needs it and its in toddlers best interests. And this is a decision which comes under the stress category he was talking about. He wants me toake decisions but then does it himself anyways??? And how am I supposed to drop her off at 7:30am with a newborn baby? He feeds every two hours right now, what if its time for a feed? I just leave him to get toddler ready at 6am? Then take them both to drop toddler off at nursery?
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
Why is he not clearing the dishes or the bin... He sounds like a micromanager who wants to get thinks done his way and not actually do the dirty work himself. He is also belittling all the decisions just because they are not his. All that talk about you making your own decisions is BS. He's looking at you as a little girl who needs guidance and hand holding because from his perspective all of your decisions are dumb. He wants you to outgrow that silly habit and act like a mature person by agreeing to his every decision. This is classic anal behaviour pretty much in every textbook and honestly a time will come when you'll be breathing wrong. You need to find a way to say jee huzoor without actually bowing to his every whim because he's going to get critical critical and will question every single decision.
ps: I'm not even kidding about the textbook part. Any person who has opened a psychology book can recognise this behaviour instantly.
But he wasn't like this before. Its just been in the past two months that he's changed like this. We've never argued like this before, this was all out of the blue,no warning nothing. I had no idea he felt like this. I don't understand why he's changed. We've been married three years. I thought our relationship was good. I thought he understood me and we had good communication. I'm not sure where its gone wrong.
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
I told him she wasn't going and there was no need for it until she's at least three. He said the decision was made, she IS going, she's starting in September and he has an application form for a nursery near where my FIL works. He's spoken to the nursery manager and wants her doing four sessions every morning. They last five hours, from 7:30am to 12:30pm. Its like the three of them against me. He said I hadn't given a valid argument for her to NOT start nursery. And he thinks she needs it and its in toddlers best interests. And this is a decision which comes under the stress category he was talking about. He wants me toake decisions but then does it himself anyways??? And how am I supposed to drop her off at 7:30am with a newborn baby? He feeds every two hours right now, what if its time for a feed? I just leave him to get toddler ready at 6am? Then take them both to drop toddler off at nursery?
Look, if waking up early to take her to the nursery is the only reason you don't want her to join the nursery then it's not a good reason.
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
Look, if waking up early to take her to the nursery is the only reason you don't want her to join the nursery then it's not a good reason.
I think she's too young, I always thought shed be at least three when she started nursery. I take her to playgroups so she has social interaction with kids her age. She is not isolated. I know its maybe selfish of me but she will never be this young again. I wanted to spend this time with her. After three she will be in nursery and school then university. She will be learning the rest of her life. And its not even that its the fact that he decided this without even asking me. Without discussing it at all. He discussed it with my FIL and MIL though. Are they allowed to make decisions like this now about our child?
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
But he wasn't like this before. Its just been in the past two months that he's changed like this. We've never argued like this before, this was all out of the blue,no warning nothing. I had no idea he felt like this. I don't understand why he's changed. We've been married three years. I thought our relationship was good. I thought he understood me and we had good communication. I'm not sure where its gone wrong.
Did something big or life changing happen 2 months ago? Folks who feel like they're losing control during a big life change start controlling others around them.
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
Did something big or life changing happen 2 months ago? Folks who feel like they're losing control during a big life change start controlling others around them.
The birth of our second child. This argument happened three days before baby was born. Plus he's starting a new job in September its more demanding than his old one. Is there anything I can do?
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I think she's too young, I always thought shed be at least three when she started nursery. I take her to playgroups so she has social interaction with kids her age. She is not isolated. I know its maybe selfish of me but she will never be this young again. I wanted to spend this time with her. After three she will be in nursery and school then university. She will be learning the rest of her life. And its not even that its the fact that he decided this without even asking me. Without discussing it at all. He discussed it with my FIL and MIL though. Are they allowed to make decisions like this now about our child?
Hmm..I understand. Personally, I'm not in favour of early start of education for kids under 3. The effects of staying away from mother for even few hours may harm such a young child....it's proven by child psychologists. Your husband needs to understand this. But obviously, he's being unreasonable. You have the most right over your kids and it should be you finalizing the decision.
If I were you I'd do everything to let my husband and inlaws know that they can't take away my rights as a mother...
Re: Advice Needed on How To Handle Argument
Maybe with time as he settled into work he may grow confident enough to let go of the need to control you but in the meanwhile you can’t be completely passive. The controlling behaviour is new so it might stick if you guys fall into this new routine.
There is a lot of online literature on how to handle controlling behaviour. It’s obviously not one size fits all. I think just take your time and read things through to understand the problem completely and its solution.
Dealing with the Control Freak in Your Life, Dr. David, Christian Marriage Help and Advice