Advice needed, for an anonymous user

Lifestyle Relationships
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This post is by a user who would like to remain anonymous:

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

Im sorry but you sound too confused. Things are already crystal clear in front of you. You dont want us to tell you to stop seeing him because there is no reason you should once you are commited elsewhere and yet cannot control your feelings for him.

Maybe you need to choose between the two and stick to your choice for good in the future.

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

mirage! :wave:

as for anonymous user, there isnt any choice in this matter. you cannot chose this friend of ten years because he wont choose you back. its black and white. you can pine away for him or wake up and smell the coffee ie its useless emotion thrown down a depthless pit.
treat yourself and the fiance right, and slap yourself awake.

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

Sounds like they have a lot of growing up to do, emotionally.
You can't just skip back and forth like that.

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

Is this "friend" and your ex...the same person? If you go read your post...you'll find that it's worded in a confusing way. Anyhow....look at the words in your message that I've bolded in red. If you've already made up your mind that you can't let go of this "friend" that you really don't have an obligation toward............................then what's the point of even seeking advice or getting married? You've already decided that you're hell-bent on not letting certain things go.

You think this guy may be the "one" person in your life that you loved and never got?? LOL, there may be several guys you might feel that way about...if you were to get to know them for a long enough period. Heck even after marriage you could come across the guy who seems more like "the one" to you. But marriage is about the maturity to commit to one person. This friend that you consider to be "the one" is going to have flaws in his perosnality just like any other guy.........and even if you were to have a relationship/marriage with him........it will not be perfect, it will still have its ups and downs like any other relationship. So don't be so sure of the thought that he's "the one." In a world where there are so many people...you can find yourself compatible with lots of them. In other words there can be MANY "the ones" out there. The question is...where do you draw the line?

A guy would be "the one" when the feelings are MUTUAL. But since he does not have a strong enough desire to dump his girlfriend and be with you......since his heart is more set on the girl he's currently with.........since he doesn't want to have anything romantic with you..................he is NOT "the one." Rather "the one" would be someone who feels the same way about you as you do about them...and you're both headed in the same direction in terms of a relationship. But that's not the case with you............thus rendering this whole situation as basically a one-sided affair/infatuation.

And then of course.....when your fiance lives so far away.......he obviously cannot give you the kind of attention that you're receiving from your friend. It would be easier for him to do this if he lived closer to you. That's a point to consider.

*******Your friend is having relationship problems.........but you don't have an obligation to be his therapist. You can always choose to distance yourself politely from the situation. And if you don't.......then it's really because you have no desire to. I'm sure he has other friends and even family members that he can confide in and seek advice from. You don't have to be the overly good samaritan and go out of your way here.

******** It seems like you're confused and don't know what you want. So you can choose to end the engagement. And if you do this......then that doesn't mean you should start an affair with your friend. And if you do start an affair with him and things don't work.......don't go running back to your previous fiance. So, ending the engagement so that you can sort yourself out is one option....which will of course also be an inconveniecne to family especially if wedding preparations are in full swing already. The other option is that you can GROW UP and STOP talking to this friend. of yours.........and focus on your fiance. You can ask your parents to delay the wedding for some time.........and then when your fiance comes to visit you........you can spend time interacting with him face-to-face to see if you both have chemistry and are compatible. If you feel that your interactions with him in person are great ...that you two are compatible........then go for the wedding. If you feel (from the personal interactions) that this is not the case....then consider ending it.

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

I am wondering the same,and assuming its the same person.
I am not sure what makes your mind and heart drift when you say that you have been in a loving relationship with a man and you guys are compatible.The situation like you tell us,very clearly means that the ex has no feelings for you.You need to ask yourself why you still want him to know of your feelings when you say you are in 'love' with the one you are engaged to,because once you are in love,you do not have doubts.I wish you the best of luck,and really hope you do not lose a good friend and the man you love in this .

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

Yeah i'm confused too. is the friend that you're in love with the same ex that you broke up with? I'm in a similar situation. I've posted it before too. I'm in LOVE with this guy even though he is not in love with me. I long for him but he does not share the same intensity of feelings for me...it took me quite some time to realize this. We are now what you call "friends". But the problem is i still have the same feelings for him and he only texts me when he's really bored and if i'm willing to flirt he'll flirt back...but thats all that there is for him. I know this because in the past when we've gotten past the flirting and had a normal conversation, he said and did things that showed me he doesnt really care/love/want me..but instead he's more around because he doesnt have grls he really likes giving him attention at the moment.

After this realization i tried breaking it off with him saying i cant really stay frnds because i might get hurt and telling him that its not him, its me that needs time to clear feelings. He starts sending sad faces and how he really wants to stay frnds. So i agreed...bad idea because now i keep hoping he'll text me or say something that will show he actually really likes me. Guess what...its never happening...i'm there for convenience as a friend. I know he doesnt think its wrong and it might not be...but i still get hurt and am hoping for something that will never be. Anonymous i think you're doing the same to yourself. I know its easier said than done, but dont let go of a good thing that you have in the hopes that a guy that you've been friends MIGHT like you. Trust me, if a guy likes you, he WILL tell you, whether he's your friend or not! If your so called good friend really cares for you then he'll understand if you need some time off to get rid of these feelings.
I dont know if this will help but the only thing to do when you're madly and hopelessly in love with a guy that doesnt love you back is to distance yourself (saying this from experience) or you'll have emotional damage and a constant inner desperation for years to come :-/

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

if the friend doesnt love you back with the same intensity then lose the friend. its really not that serious..you just cant realize that because we like holding onto hope. pretend he's dead..like actually dead or never existed. it'll give u peace of mind and you can move on with your life...if you've been frnds with him for ten 10 years and he comes and goes as he pleases, and you let him continue then you'll always be in this dilemma and a clean heartbreak is better than a constant desperation/guilt/false hope for the coming years.

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

Hopefully Sahar can clear up the confusion. But either way....regardless of whether the friend is completely different person or whether he's her ex......doesn't change things. Both people have don't reciprocate the same level of interest or same intensity of feelings for this girl......so it's just a one-sided affair that she's got herself into.

Moreover...by telling this guy .....even if it's in the form of indirect hints......that she loves him and wishes he'd love her....she's really just hurting her own image. How does she know that such a confession (be it an indirect one) won't come back to haunt her later on? She could argue that he's such a good friend and would never tell others about it........but hey.........accidents happen and secrets get leaked and before you know it....the word spreads.

And this guy that she has a crush on.....is already having relationship issues. Now let's say.....hypothetically speaking that this turbulent relationship with his girlfriend comes to an end. And he's feeling vulnerable and turns to our anonymous poster as a rebound? Wouldn't that make things sticky as well? Since he already knows that she's "lattoo" over him....it would become easier for him to do so. It would just complicate things even further. It seems that this girl hasn't given too much though to the consequences of her actions...and is making decisions based more on impulse.

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

The way I read it, the ex is now the friend she has gotten back in touch with. If the OP gives me more info, I'll post it here.

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

[QUOTE]
But recently i have started feeling for him again,** he is absolutely not interested or even thinking of me in that way** as he is too wrapped up in his own relationship issues besides he respects me n my relationship too much to do so
[/QUOTE]

It seems to be clear to me that whoever this guy is, he wouldn't be intersted in the girl anyway. She is the one looking for something there which is no longer open to her, and she is also doing wrong to the guy she is engaged to, it's not fair on him to make him sit around and expect her to get over it/make up her mind who she wants.
Tell her to stop messing around or she will lose both options.

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

1 . Break your engagement . Your fiance doesn't deserve it . For sure he'll be hurt , but he better be filthy rich to keep you , otherwise love card is gone .
2 . Once over with your fiance , get down on one knee and propose your friend . At the most he'll say No , doesn't matter , at least things will be in real life , and plus you won't end up with a person who you don't love .
3 . You friend might say Yes , in that case , get married ASAP .

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

From the OP:

[QUOTE]
It is the sameperson (was my ex 10yrs back n nw a frnd)

Just to make something very clear, I will NEVER EVER break my engagment for anything or anyone. The respect for my fiancé is more imp to me thn any love or feeling. I would never put him through heart break!

Besides I don't want a future with my ex, we are not compatible as life partners...all I want is to get rid of the feelings I hv developed!

All I want is to get rid of the feelings I have for my ex who is now my friend, is letting go n running from my feelings the only option? Isn't there any other way my friendship doesn't get hurt?
[/QUOTE]

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

You need to cut off ties. And it shouldn't be gradual. If that means that you tell him honestly that you have this new relationship that you want to foster and grow and that you cannot do that while staying in touch with him, then tell him that honestly. It is not right for you to maintain contact when you can't control your feelings.

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

[QUOTE]

A long time back i had an ex and except my obsession for him there was nothing else in our relationship tht wld save us from breaking up, tht is the reason it lasted few months. We broke up and he moved on although from my side wasn't smooth at all!

*Few months back a common best friend came back to town and we met again we clicked instantly and became hangout friends (we hang out in a group)
*
[/QUOTE]

I don't get one thing, why would you get into a friendship with someone when you had such a rough breakup with him??

in any case, I know OP doesn't want to hear this but the only way the feelings will go away is if you give distance to the person and the friendship altogether....stop contacting them and speaking to them, not permanently but at least for a while until the feelings die down.

unless of course, the OP wants to live in a bollywood frame of mind...in that case, by all means, go ahead and keep the friendship with him wtih those feelings as well as being engaged... certainly in life you can't have your cake and eat it too.

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

You just need to stop going down that path.What is actual factor that made the old feelings resurface after 10 years and that too when you know you guys cannot be life partners and the relationship ended on a rough note for you?
From what you have told,it seems you just need to snap out of these one sided feelings and actually respect both the men involved.

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

This story is more like turning out to be ''I wana be president of United States , because I dream about it every night and I can’t stop thinking about it ‘’ . . . jeez get over it . Either grow a pair , or forget it .

Good luck . :k:

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

This is a case of the OP wanting her cake and eating it too. God forbid she actually make a difficult decision and go cold turkey to end this "loving" friendship since it would be tough on her and the friend. The fact that her poor fiance is clueless about the importance of the "loving friendship" seems to escape her. No one can help someone who refuses to help themselves especially when the answer to how to help herself is clear to everyone.

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

Agree! That's the saying that came to my mind as well.

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Re: Advice needed, for an anonymous user

From the OP:

*All I want is to get rid of the feelings I have for my ex who is now my friend, is letting go n running from my feelings the only option? Isn't there any other way my friendship doesn't get hurt?

*The answer to your two main queries:

Yes, that is the only option (letting go and running from the feelings). No there isn't (any other way your friendship doesn't get hurt).