Advice needed ASAP

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Advice needed ASAP

She isn't doing anything wrong by not being affectionate.

But

She IS doing something wrong by staying with a man who hurt her so much.

22

Re: Advice needed ASAP

she never said rape she said sexually assaulted until we don't know which how can we answer ?

23

Re: Advice needed ASAP

OP: You did not mention how old your friend was when she visited Pakistan & was sexually assaulted. Here is what would concern me if I were in your shoes (or in your friend's).....the 3 kids she has living in the house wit him, are they kids safe? Right now AND as they grow up? Plenty of biological parents sexually abuse their own children. If this guy sexually assaulted your friend when she was a child, what makes her 100% sure that someday he won't do the same to one or more of the 3 kids?

24

Re: Advice needed ASAP

What a horrible horrible situation to be in! If she can support herself raise the kids she should leave the guy. May Allah help her.

25

Re: Advice needed ASAP

She is not doing anything wrong by not loving her husband who had hurt her in such a terrible way.
As a result, she has built so much resentment towards this man that she can't possibly behave like a good wife to him.
can you tell if her husband is ashamed of doing what he did and has apologized to her and has changed for the good? has she ever confronted her husband telling him the reason why he is not being a good wife to him and how she feels about the whole situation. as you mentioned she doesn't want to leave him for various reasons then she has to find a way to resolve this matter with her husband. she must really talk to him about all this and see if he now feels her pain and is ready to do whatever it takes to heal her.

26

Re: Advice needed ASAP

My two cents:
Get affectionate with him. Give it a few days like that. Create a scene where you tie him up to the bed post. Chop his willy off. Put a massive sign saying Child Molester or something, next to him. Leave city, change names and get your kids out. Make that the end of the story.

27

Re: Advice needed ASAP

Tell her to make sure to chop it. A cut or a bruise won't do it.

28

Advice needed ASAP

I have to ask some things to understand some things but how old was she and how old was her husband when the assault took place? Was it consistent or a one time incident? What kind of husband is he now? Does she have access to a health care professional easily?

29

Re: Advice needed ASAP

Hi firstly it wasn't rape it was sexual assault at the time she was 8 and he was 18 and it would happen every time she went abroad to visit family which was mostly every year. Some people have asked if he is a good husband well up until now I thought he was a good husband but no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors once she opened up about her abuse she poured her heart out and told me how sad really feels and lonely

30

Re: Advice needed ASAP

Are you guys for real? Are you really nitpicking over whether what happened to OP’s friend as a girl was sexual assault or rape and depending on that definiton advise will be given?

Here, I’ll make it easier for you.

And these are the resources based on which that definition was put up on wikipedia

Let’s get something clear, what happened to her, if it did happen, was wrong. Simple as that. It doesn’t matter what term you give it, it was wrong.

If we can give advise to women who have been abused by their husbands to get a divorce for their sake as well as the sake of their children, why can’t the same advise be given to the OP’s friend? It happened in the past but it’s clear that OP’s friend has not gotten over it. And it takes years if not lifetimes to get over such trauma.

OP, if your friend is brave enough, and ready enough, and she can’t live with her husband anymore, then she should end this marriage and leave. Like another poster said, because he abused your friend when she was a little girl, there is a chance that he could do the same to his own children, if he hasn’t done it to other children. And let’s get something else clear…when the abuse happened, the man was 18 years old. He wasn’t a kid. He did it over and over again year after year. He knew exactly what he was doing. Maybe he okayed this marriage years later because he thought this was a way to make amends for his behavior…the same reason a lot of girls are forced to marry their rapists even to this day. But that in my opinion doesn’t fix anything.

And OP, if your friend does decided to leave her husband, then she has to be ready for all the things people will say to her, just like they’ve been already said in this thread, like maybe she deserved the abuse, maybe she deserves the husband and the marriage. People might say that she is making crap up to get her haq meher or get child support or alimony or just to malign her husband. She has to be ready to hear all of that. It’s not going to be easy.

31

Re: Advice needed ASAP

:rolleyes: Doesn’t take too much to change your tune does it?

32

Re: Advice needed ASAP

Honestly, with 3 kids in the picture, she waited too long to make a decision. (Though I can imagine it must have been so hard to muster the courage to talk about what happened)

Anyway, most important things to think about IMO:

  1. Are the kids safe with their father?
  2. Is she still being sexually/mentally abused by her husband?
  3. What is her own future with this man once the kids are grown up and (possibly) leave home?
  4. What are her options if she decides to walk out? Which family members will be on her side? Are there any NGOs etc who might help?
  5. What is her financial situation? Does she have her own money saved away? Divorces can be long and tedious and a sexual abuse charge that happened so many years ago will be hard to prove. She may not get alimony right away.

As a friend you can help her by explaining the situation to her family, or just being there to support her if/when she does. She must be traumatized at the thought of going into what happened, and having a friend to lean on will help. And yes, a seeing a counselor will really help her reflect on her situation in a non-judgemental setting. She'll also benefit from joining a support group of women who've been through similar situations.

33

Re: Advice needed ASAP

KKF said that she should have said no to the marriage. He wasnt referring to the rape, and I agree, she should have said no to the marriage. She could have made up one of million other excuses that girls make to refuse a rishta, without having to divulge her secret. Now with 3 kids in the picture, its eating her up inside in more than one way.

That said, it is true that everyone has their own way of dealing with difficult events, specially one as rape. If I found out about someone's morbid actions 30 years after the act, it would still enrage me just as much as it would have 30 years ago. She should look for a way to get out of this marriage. Living with the horrible memories is bad enough. Living in a loveless marriage is only making things worse for her.

34

Re: Advice needed ASAP

Why is she dying everyday? Looking at the face of a criminal who robbed her.

She is not coming back to this world to live this life again. It's go time.

35

Re: Advice needed ASAP

People questioning the use of an act that is being confused with another, doesnt make them unreal. There is a difference between Sexual Harassment and Rape. If a person gets taken to court, they will face different levels of punishment for the two crimes.

Also , its extremely judgmental to just tell her to divorce and move on. Lets face it, if she could she wouldnt have married him in the first place. she has a family with him now. OP still hasnt clarified what kind of a husband he is. What his personality is like. what he is like to his own kids. whether this friend has any form of professional help available to her.

Its much easier to tell someone to divorce. Put yourself in their shoes and their personality and you would know how hard it really really is on a woman and the kids involved. you and I are no one to make decisions or crude judgement on her behalf. She has chosen to remain with that person and bear his children. there must be some reason why she is still carrying on. if eventually she decides she doesnt want to be with him, she will take the steps necessary to mend her life and soul and she wouldnt be wrong in doing so.

But right now, the OP has asked how they can support their friend. They havnt really asked us for a judgement on her divorce. I believe many posters here are only trying to help the OP in ways to determine how good or bad the situation is with the lady and then help her accordingly.

36

Re: Advice needed ASAP

There is a difference between sexual harassment and sexual assault.

37

Re: Advice needed ASAP

Agreed Southie. But she still used the term assault and not rape. But anyways thats not the point here. The point is the OP cannot clarify what really went on with the girl. The girl herself is in a position to stop any further crap from the man. I know it takes ages and years of healing for someone to gain the courage and speak about this . but I know from personal experience as well that a point comes in life when a person finally puts their feelings into perspective and speaks out. Like the lady has now done , sharing her secret with her friend. Its only a beginning to her healing. OP can perhaps try and find out a bit more about her situation and how bad it is and then help her accordingly.

38

Re: Advice needed ASAP

In a forum, we provide input based on information available. Replacing assault with harassment, IMO, trivializes what happened to OP starting at the age of 8. It is my opinion sufficient information has been provided for folks to give input.

It is disappointing OP has not answered some to the point questions posed by quite a few. An " I don't know "would also help.

39

Re: Advice needed ASAP

What questions would you like me to answer I can only say what my friend has told me. She was abused as a child and has only told me and now I need general advise on how to support her as she isn't ready to speak openly to anyone else.

40

Re: Advice needed ASAP

Read the OP's words again. She clearly stated her friend said she was sexually assaulted. Not harrassment. I am not stupid enough to confuse the two terms, and no where in my post did I say anything about being sexually harassed. And even if OP's friend was sexually harassed by someone and then she was forced to be married to that man, in my eyes that is still an atrocity.

I am putting myself in the friend's shoes. If I was forced to marry that man, and let's face it, girls in our culture are not as strong as we are meant to be and we can't easily and readily reject every rishta that is come to us, then once I have gathered the courage, I would also leave the man. Because I don't want to face that man who did that to me as a child day after day after day. I wouldn't want to be touched by him. No woman in her right mind would want to feel like that. What happened to the friend as a child, no matter what definition you give her, and btw, the definition I posted covers sexual harassment, rape, and sexual assault, if you bothered to read the entirety of my post, is WRONG. End of story. There is no point arguing about it. As for the children, there is no point keeping children in a marriage where there is not peace. IF there was peace, but no love, then that is workable. But if there are constant fights, no peace, children can see that the parents can't stand each others guts, then they internally blame themselves for those problems, even though it is never their fault.

As for your sentence "what went on with the girl", what do you want? You want the friend to list detail by every excruciatingly detail all the abuse that was done to her? Really?? You want to assess whether she was correctly assaulted or not, or whether it can pass by as harassment? Really?? I am absolutely astonished that 1 sentence.