Advice needed ASAP

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Salaam basically my friend since childhood told me a very horrible secret which she has kept to herself since her childhood and now I really don’t know what to do…basically as a child she visited Pakistan a lot with her family she was sexually assaulted by a family member. He was the one later chosen by her family to be her husband. She went along with it and has 3 kids with him but she says she feels no love for him and they argue a lot because of her lack of affection towards him. I basically want to ask that normally a woman islamically is obliged to love and care for her husband but in such an extreme case is she doing wrong?I have advised her to consider leaving him but she doesn’t want to for various reasons one of them being ashamed of explaining to people what he has put her through I just would like some advise on how I can support her thanks

2

Re: Advice needed ASAP

what a strange union...she married someone who sexually assaulted her and whom she obviously hated for his acts...she should have said NO at that time...now, she refuses to leave him and also doesn't wanna leave him...if she wants to stay, let her stay...may be they deserve each other...she doesn't need an advice.

3

Re: Advice needed ASAP

Plz remind me again about why is it required ASAP?

4

Re: Advice needed ASAP

I agree with KKF to some extent. She should have said no long time back. But the day she stepped into marriage with him, she resigned to her fate and specially now after having 3 kids, unless he is being a bad husband, she needs to bury her past and accept her present.

I dont understand though, she didnt say no , but how come the guy didnt resist either? I mean how did he even explain his actions to her? after marriage in particular. Did he apologize? Did he regret his actions? Its not easy for someone who has been exploited in this manner , to accept that person in a position as close as one's spouse.

I strongly feel , you should try and determine if he is being a good husband now? if he is not and does not feel the impact or guilt of his previous actions and still carries on being a bad husband, like remaining unfaithful, hurting the kids in any way etc , then she has solid grounds of ending this marriage. you can support her in this as a friend , since we all need someone to talk to when feeling low.

However if you determine he is being a good husband and its only her previous link to him that is disturbing her, then help her move on from that past and help you look at the positive aspects of her relationship. help her learn to forgive and help her to gain positive feelings for her spouse and see him in a new light.

hope this helps

5

Re: Advice needed ASAP

That's abit harsh as a child she didn't have anyone to talk too I mean it can can take people years to open up about abuse!!!

6

Re: Advice needed ASAP

Absolutely cruel comments in post 2. Uncalled for.

There could be various reasons she didn't speak up at the time. She was a child for God's sake. People don't behave logically when raped. Some sensitivity is called for.

OP one of the reasons u mentioned was she feels ashamed to reveal to people what the.child molest or did to her. You didn't mention the other reasons. If the other reasons r that he is good to her she loves him etc then no need to leave. I doubt those r the other reasons. Since they r constantly fighting and u said she doesn't love him.

Based on information u provided dump the child molestor.

7

Re: Advice needed ASAP

She didn't say no because she felt ashamed and was scared no one would believe her. Please remember opening up about abuse she endured as a child has been really hard for her just wanted some friendly advise now that she has confided in me.

8

Re: Advice needed ASAP

Basically apart from feeling ashamed and scared she doesn't want to disappoint her parents by leaving him and obviously she has 3 kids she has to think about. She says she's a really bad wife. I don't want her to feel like that because I don't think she has done anything wrong.

9

Re: Advice needed ASAP

There is nothing in this relationship. If dumping the molestor will bring her peace she should do it. Need to consider if she can be self sufficient financially. If she gets a good lawyer and a good settlement kick his ash out the door

10

Re: Advice needed ASAP

I think not many of us, if hardly any has experience in offering support in such cases, may be you should try some professional.

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Re: Advice needed ASAP

I agree. She has done no wrong. She needs to stop beating up on herself. If her parents get disappointed because their daughter is dumping a child rapist that doesn't say much abt them.

As for kids alimony is the soln. Hopefully she can also find some work.

12

Re: Advice needed ASAP

rape can be a very traumatic experience for an adult. When a person you see as being close, decently good person but when this person you expect to be respectful pounces on you and hurts you physically and has forced you to have sex like some animal. Even if it hurts, you feel helpless and most likely feel like crying or screaming out but most of the time the screams would get drowned out by the tears and shock of why this person would do this to you even if you've said no and you aren't comfortable with it. Imagine a child going through the same thing. Both an adult and a child that goes through rape needs to go through some sort of therapy to deal with the most traumatic experience.

Our brains can't logically make sense of rape especially by someone that we know.

OP's friend isn't making very rational decisions because of it.

The difference between an adult rapist and the op's friend's rapist is that he most likely was also a child. How old was he?

Both the friend and her husband need to face what happened. Since he's her husband now for so long and she's the mother of his kids, he might be open to something like therapy. I think she's just scared of leaving him.

13

Advice needed ASAP

I agree that in a situation like this, it's next to impossible to give generic advice. If I were in your position, I would implore my friend to seek professional help/counseling to try to sort through her feelings and make sense of what her life is. Her husband needs to be a part of the counseling as well I would think. Not knowing her family dynamic, or how her parents would react to finding out about the abuse she suffered as a child, she may need some outside support when and if this truth comes out.

14

This guy for real?

If this happens to your sister, would you be of the same opinion?

Look up stockholm syndrome on google.

15

Re: Advice needed ASAP

Sounds like she has very low self-esteem.. Where does she live? Can she not see a counsellor? A professional will be able to help her properly ..

Islam doesn't oblige her to love her husband btw.. No-one can be made to love their partner..

Not everyone is able to say 'no' to their parents and can you imagine if they'd have expected her to give a reason?! I'd normally say girls should stand up for themselves but after the trauma of being abused can you imagine what she must have been going thru :(

16

Advice needed ASAP

It’s really heartbreaking to be in a position like this, I can’t even begin to imagine what she is feeling. I pray she finds some peace soon and makes the best decision for herself and her children :hinna:

17

Re: Advice needed ASAP

this reminds me of the Bollywood stuff where the villain will rape the woman and at the end of the movie the perpetrator, being half-dead from the beating by the hero, is forced to marry his victim...they thought this was the perfect solution to the horrible crime that he committed to her.

in my opinion, these men are criminals and they must be punished rather than the woman be gifted him that he terrorized and violated. this is encouraging the criminal and rewarding him.

18

Re: Advice needed ASAP

Chica , two things. Firstly, I dont know where this word "raped" came into the conversation here. I see a considerable difference between sexual assault and rape.

Secondly, this is the second time you have suggested that she thinks she is not being a good wife. What makes her think so? is her husband proving to be a good husband but because of the past link, she isnt able to forgive him and hence not able to love him and now feeling guilty about this?

If she doesnt have easy access to professional support or her husband is not willing to take part in it, then obviously it will be friends like you who will need to encourage her to do the right thing until she involves her family or other responsible members around her. Hence why , its important for you to find out the bigger picture if your friend is comfortable talking to you further about this matter.

19

Re: Advice needed ASAP

Sexually assaulted as a CHILD
Rape

If at all there is a difference it is minimal.

20

Re: Advice needed ASAP

I can totally understand why she would block it out since she was a child when the painful experience happened even an adult would get screwed up by it.