Advice i am confused - relationship

Lifestyle Relationships
, , , ,
1

Salaam to everyone
I hope i can find honest advice around here. I am having a situation here.. I am 27 years old and i am from muslim background . Ive met this Pakistani guy 6 months ago, both we are professionals, We been going out and spending time for the last 6 months but i am still confuse where i stand, we haven’t talked about it in the beginning when we started to hang around we just called each other “friends” , we did kissed after couple of dates and after a couple of months we started sleeping together, we talk every day see each other 2-3 times a week or more , lately we been staying over night lots of time together in hotels , he lives with friends and i live with a flatmate… Since the beginning he introduced me to most of his friends and cousin , we even went for the weekend away with his friends and cousin ,both of us sharing a room so everyone i suppose imagine we are not just a friends, i have very small circle of friends so my friends haven’t met him yet… The issue i am having is i am falling for him and i don’t know where i stand or what to do… I been in long relationship and due to circumstances we had to separate and he has been in relationship with an indian girl for 2 years but his parents did not approve ,they wanted to get married but due to dual parents disapproval they separated he mention to me he was really heart broken and that took him 2 years to move on and then he met me so i am the second girl he has been with . I don’t know how much its true as he is very open minded in the sense of kissing or taking me by the hand , hugging etc, his whole family is back in Pakistan,but they regularly visit the UK. I can see he cares about me and i do too but he never really talked about his feeling neither did i , so i don’t know shall i say something or wait , i am 27 he is 29 so i don’t really want to waste my time and get a big deception in few months if he comes and tells me his parents arranged his marriage , he mention that they send him pictures every week of different girls but he ignores it and he has told that he isn’t ready for marriage yet , sadly my both parents passed away and i don’t have much emotional support from other family members , i know his family means the world to him , he talked highly about them and i can see he got too much love and respect for then and he will never disobey , before he went holidays to Pakistan i went with him bought all the gifts for all his family , i mean we been doing lots of things together in regular basis like going dinners, cinema , driving , dancing etc i will for him after work and then we will just stay together , but even after this i am still confused at the moment he is away to Pakistan and he is coming back in couple of days , we been talking mostly every day not long conversations as he was with family mostly … I always gave him space and never questioned anything and he did the same, when i am with him i feel happy i forget about my working stress routine he gives me something to look forward to … What i am
Not sure is if i tell him what i feel , will he have the courage to tell to him family or try to convince them, he failed with his ex … What he told me that his family said to him if he gets married he better take all of them to UK as they will be ashamed in Pakistan… I am muslim , i try my best to practise islam i know I’ve wrong many times in my life and in my Judging day i will have to provide Answers to Allah , i try to pray as much i can i do try to go jummah as ofter as possible , i been very independent as my parents passed away i had to face lots of responsibility and i am the oldest i have little brother in college so i fully support him, i know how to run a house from cleaning to making aloo tikkis or aloo gosht .. He knows that but i doubt he can face his family and explain in to them that i am
Not less worth that any other girl

So what shall i do? Shall i try to talk to him? Wait some time? Or tell him that i am looking for someone whom i can spend my future with? From one side i am not ready to lose him from other side i really don’t want to waste my time … Today i felt really emotional and depressed i cried and i don’t even remember when was last time i cried like this … after tomorrow he is coming back i will pick him from the airport and we planned a day or two to spend together … I know maybe from one side is my fault because neither i showed him my feelings but it is hard for me because i am afraid not to get hurt , i did tell him i miss him sometimes he tells me too but its very hard to express my feeling … I think emption hit me tonight so i will stop here . I will appreciate all your comments . Kind Regards

2

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

AoA sister

He is using you and is not sincere at all. These men have no backbone and are spoon fed by their parents - remember his family would have paid a fortune to make sure he can make something of himself in the UK and he will marry someone of their choosing to repay the sacrifice they've made. Put him behind you and find a guy who will involve his parents from the start - you deserve that respect :)

Love M x

3

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

Thank you so much for the answer i really appreciate it , even if its hard i will back off to avoid future dissapointment , but what shall i tell him?

4

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

Yes please, I agree with what M has said.

5

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

So from what I could understand, your equation with this guy is of doing everything that couples do, sans any long term goals that either of you have communicated to each other, and you haven't shared how you feel about one another either. You allowed things to continue like that until now without much reflection.

You need to define where you stand in his life, and the sooner you do it, the better off you will be without wasting anymore of your time. It seems like you are already emotionally invested in this, hence it's better to figure out now, than to let this continue another 6 months and then he comes and tells you that he's getting married. Have a clear conversation about your feelings and goals (marriage) with him, at 27 its completely okay to initiate that conversation. Either he will stay, or he will run. You will have your answer.

6

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

his family lives in Pakistan, he will probably marry some obedient Allah-mian ke gain from there. He is just having fun with you. As for meeting cousins and friends, he probably brags about doing you with them behind your back so its not a big deal. If you mention marriage, he will probably run away or he will just give you BS answer and try to keep you longer. I highly doubt he will marry.

I don't know, I always think worse in people which usually is right.

7

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

It's a lot easier for men to emotionally detach from a woman after sex. Women, on the other hand, tend to become more attached after sleeping with a guy.

A guy can determine whether a girl has the personality traits that would make her a decent/good wife without taking off his own clothes or the girl's clothes.

You both act like a married couple. But if he wants to do all the things that a married couple does, then why not just do them after doing a nikkah with you? What is preventing him from doing that?

If this guy knows deep deep deep down in his heart that A) His parents won't accept you...and...B) That he doesn't have the courage to stand up for you, then he is making the same mistake that he made in his last relationship.

In the beginning you both referred to each other as "friends"....and I don't understand that label. If a guy and a girl are kissing, then their attachment and relationship dynamics is more than just a friendship. The point that I am trying to make is that even in the beginning, you both did not have an honest label for your relationship....and even now the guy has not defined the relationship.

The only thing that can be said in this guy's favor is that he did not ditch you after sleeping with you....as many other guys tend to do. But the "real test" of his sincerity and perhaps even his character would be to see if he can actually involve his parents in an honest effort to marry you.

So, you should talk to him about what you mean to him and where this relationship is going. And if he cannot commit to you, then you have no other choice but to move on from him. If you continue to hang out with him, then it'll become harder for you to move forward with your life.

OP, why did you mention Allah in your original post? My intention is not to make you feel bad because I have made my own share of mistakes. But I am trying to draw your attention to something. The bulk of your post is about this guy and your relationship with him and then right in the middle...out of nowhere....you suddenly bring up Allah and how you try to be a good Muslim. Why? My guess is that you did this because deep down you maybe feel guilty about sleeping with him. Allah made us weak and He is forgiving. But when we deliberately do a wrong action several times, then it means we put our own desires before Allah. We were more sincere toward our nafs than we were to Allah. It's something to think about. I am not judging you, I am speaking generally. But, again, it's something for us to reflect over.

Lastly, for your own protection, don't get sexually intimate with any guy before a nikkah. You said in your post that even his friends knew that you and him were staying in the same hotel room. Op, what guarantee do you have that his friends will not talk or gossip behind your back? You might argue that his friends are not saints either and that they have also slept around, but the sad reality is that our society has double standards for both men and women. A girl will always be judged more harshly. So, it's better to avoid taking risks with your reputation. And as I said before, women become more emotionally attached after sex and that can make it harder to detach and move on. Also, the human mind can be a terrible thing. Many times a guy will sleep with a girl and then later on he will doubt her character. He'll think "Maybe she lacks control and will sleep with any guy." And if he can't commit to you...or if he can't marry you...then he might secretly justify his decision to himself with this kind of reasoning. The truth is that no matter how much we trust a person, it's human nature for us to have doubts in our mind ...if not sooner than later. And, yes, it is hypocritical. That's why you should be more careful in the future for your own emotional/spiritual/physical protection.

8

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

Thank you for the replies
He got really shy personality and i suppose its hard for him to talk about his feelings but i will have to sit and talk to him or maybe apart myself for a bit and when he ask whats the matter then i shall tell him
i am 99% sure he will not have the courage to tell to his parents about me maybe the wont accept me because my parents passed away and i dont have anyone behind me for support

it is really confusiang as exactly how sehar mention we do all the things that married couple but maybe its hard for him to use the word girlfriend or partner because in asian society isnt accepted

and from other hand even more confusing he want to do a business with me Ive worked many years in a famous retail franchise and i have the opportunity to take a franchise myself so he mention that if i want he can do partnership with me so i told him its a long term commitment i dont want any surprises or dissapointment if we go business togerher like i dont want to start a business and suddanly you get married he was sarcastic about it and why is that my consern so after he saw my face dropped out and he said nothing to worry about

i am already running a business with 3 partners but recently my ex senior area manager contacted me and offer me to take over a franchise that can be good oportunity the investment its high so it will be hard for me to come up with the whole amount so he offered to get into business with me and he asked me few times to go ahead .... But how can i ?

His family are very well educated his father is ex banker , most of his family are in the army or involved in politics so i think that will affect as well i can see he likes me and anything i ask him he would do but he does that for all his friends

even we talked about other cases of his friends how one of his friend was married and he lived 3 years with a girl who tjey had no connection that his friend was so depressed because his family didnt find the right match and at the end they divorced so , he was saying he dont understand how parents are like that even his parents when they disagree about his ex but he said he was ready to marry her but she didnt want to because her family didnt agree

his family met his ex in person but i didnt asked much why they didn't like her maybe because she was from indian background so it will be the same with me even i am muslim i am white and they will consider me gori so that will make things even worst 😕😕😕😕

9

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

He is not too shy to take off his clothes…but you think he’s too shy to talk about the relationship with you? :konfused: Um yeah…that makes no sense. He’s not shy. The guys who are truly shy don’t go as far sleeping with a girl multiple times.
He is not too shy or scared to call you his girlfriend. Shyness doesn’t factor into this…so there has to be some other reason and you’ll find out soon enough.

And don’t get involved in starting any business venture with him. It will only make things more complicated…especially when this relationship hasn’t been defined. And even if he does define it, don’t just go by his words…look at his actions and watch out for any frequent excuses.

10

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

Can you please advice me what shall i say? Do you think if i distance myself and when he asks whats the matter then i shall tell him?
What do you mean about excuses?till now we always met he mever gave an excuse about not meeting me but I dont want to give him ultimatum .
I dont want to pressure or say to marry me straigh away but at last if i know he will try to talk to them about me it can give me more hope .

11

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

Tell him calmly that you are 27 and in Desi culture it becomes harder for a girl to get married the older that she gets....(and that's a sad reality). Tell him that one of your future goals is to get married and have a family....and that you have become attached to him...but if he knows deep down in his heart that marriage with you will not be possible at all...then it's better to end things now so that both of us can move on in our lives a little less painfully.

The only thing that bothers me is that if he knew with 100% certainty that marriage to you is something that he won't even make an effort for, he should never have gotten intimate with you. He should have stayed away from the very beginning.

I am not talking about making excuses to meet you or hang out with you. I'm talking about excuses about marrying you.

12

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

This guy is not going to marry you. He dated a Indian girl for 2 years and ended that when his parents did not approve. If he did not fight hard enough for a desi girl after 2 years and his parents did not approve of a Indian girl (I assume she was Muslim b/c you never mentioned her being Hindu).....then you as a white girl have 0 chance. This guy is 29 already. He will eventually marry a girl his parents choose for him....most likely from Pakistan. I'm sure he likes you and cares about you a person.....but he does not see you as his future wife. Like you said.....you two call each other "friends". He sees you as a "friend with benefits" and I assure you, his friends and cousin are fully aware of this.

13

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

Yes i am white not english but i am from muslim background but i dont think that will matter to them anyways( yes you are right his ex was muslim as well) i appreciate the reply . Now i know what to do , probably my expectation were a bit higher . Probably is my fault of not talking to him from the begining because when we start hanging out i didnt expect to get attached to him and neither wanted to put a pressure , its been 6 months now and i dont want to have hopes for something that has no future now I will just back off .

14

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

You should talk to him about this and see what he says. I really don't know how sincere a guy's care for a girl can be especially if he already knew that he won't be able to marry you......and in that case he should never gotten close to you, he should never have initiated anything sexual with you. Allah knows his intentons best but it comes across as selfish when a guy does that...it's like puttting his desires and personal satisfaction of lust or whatever over your emotional well-being.

In the future, don't get intimate with a guy until after a nikkah.

15

Advice i am confused - relationship

It sounds like he wants to have a realtionship with you but wont commit to you. If he didnt fight for someone he was jn a long term relationship then whats changed now.
Make your feelings clear to him, if he doesnt show commitment please move on and find someone who loves and respects you. Also i wouldnt venture into a business with him right now, things could get messy if you both do part ways or find it hard to keep work as work without the tension of a relationship that isnt working.
Make your intentions clear about what you want and based on his response you wjll know whats best for you and isnt. Good luck OP you seem like a lovely person i hope you find someone who deserves u x

16

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

I’m not sure yet if the OP is a he or a she? Hey you never know :hmmm:

17

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

Thank you all for the advice

18

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

are you albanian/Serbian?

19

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

What does that have to do with anything? I'm confused.

20

Re: Advice i am confused - relationship

Just curious