ACK my parents are ruining my life!

Lifestyle Relationships
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So this guy i met (well talked to online matrimonal) - dad came around. Parents said caste issues (same old - I posted about this twice before) and now his dad keeps ringing. 3rd time today.

And parents won’t answer.

I sound like a teenager. But my parents are desi hardcore.

I am so fed up! I do think there is a culture clash here. But if they are not interested they should at least have the decency to pick up the phone and say no thank you. The guy is frustrated. His parents patience and pride is being tested.

This is not only unislamic. And they are totally pushing a arranged marriage I don’t want on me.

I am at the point where I up and leave. Ironically they are 101% supportive in all other aspects of my life - like parents should be.

This is going to make me seriously messed up for the rest of my life.

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Re: ACK my parents are ruining my life!

I just wanted to vent!

:mad:

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Re: ACK my parents are ruining my life!

Have an elder talk some sense into your parents, who can convince them that all this caste thing is nonsense.

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Re: ACK my parents are ruining my life!

Did you ask them why they don't like this certain proposal?

Can you ask an elder they are friends with (relative or close friend) and whom they respect to talk to them and convince them that caste thing is not Islamic?

In such situations, map out an action plan and act on it. Thinking and getting upset will not help much. Good luck.

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Re: ACK my parents are ruining my life!

go ahead and marry him even if it's without ur parents approval. they don't have the right to ruin ur life like this. i've read ur previous threads and honestly u should just do what makes u happy at this point because ur parents are being totally unreasonable.

don't give up on this guy just because ur parents are caught up over 'caste' otherwise u might live to regret it for the rest of ur life.

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Re: ACK my parents are ruining my life!

I think that Islamically, Wali's permission is necessary for girls to get married. You need to confirm more details with someone learned, but I think girls cannot get married without permission of male guardian.

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Re: ACK my parents are ruining my life!

hmmm.. as far as i'm aware if the father is absent from the nikah then another close relative can act as a guardian such as brother/uncle/grandfather. it doesn't have to be the father... but i could be wrong

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In Hanafi fiqh if a girl marries without her wali's consent her marriage is still valid, it's a common misconception amongst desis that she needs absolute parental approval (tho it's obviously recommended they approve). The other madhabs say it's not allowed tho.. Also, if her wali is rejecting the guy on unIslamic grounds like colour or caste her brother or uncle or some other trustworthy relative or even the local imam can become her wali..

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This is correct..

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Re: ACK my parents are ruining my life!

Its easy to say but it is hard to go ahead and marry someone without the support of your family. especially for a girl.

I imagine in your situation there probably isnt an elder either to support you as people usually dont want to get involved in other peoples daughters matters.

My advice to you would be to try and convince your parents further and insist they meet with his family again. take things slowly, suggest to the guy that his parents should give yours a little more time

make dua and iA what is for the best will happen

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Yes, I think that too.

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^ It** IS** allowed if ur Hanafi.

**Doesn’t the woman need her guardian’s approval to marry? **

Answered by Shaykh Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

Answer:

In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

It is certainly the sunna and proper way to get one’s guardian’s permission. The danger of going against one’s parents (in normal cases) is that it could well entail being bad to one’s parents, which is one of the most serious of major sins.

**According to the understanding of the Hanafi Madhhab, if a mature woman contracted her marriage without the approval of her guardian to someone who is considered legally suitable (kuf’u), then the marriage is valid.
**
However, if she is marrying someone that is not considered legally suitable or compatible, then this will need the approval of the father (or, in his absence, the nearest fit guardian). The relied-upon opinion is that in the absence of this approval from the guardian, a woman’s marriage to a non-suitable man is not valid. If they live together, they are living together unlawfully. As such, if such situations come up, both parties must consult a scholar of recognized knowledge and taqwa for guidance, and to determine what their status is.

This has also been explained in many earlier posts.

And Allah knows best

Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari
Darul Iftaa, Leicester, UK

Source: http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=1977&CATE=167

‘No marriage without a guardian’ and the Hanafi position

Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
**
Question:**

I want to no what is the shafi opinion in regards to a women marrying with out her wali. I heard a hadth that Prophet Muhammad SAW said " there is no nikkah without wali" Please can you verify if this hadith is authentic. Also can you please verify which one of the opinions are the strongest as i have recently come to learn that according to Hanfi fiqh, a women can get married without her wali. How can this be if there are hadith such as the above that clearly states no wali no nikkah. also i want to know apart from hanafi school of thought, what are the opinions according to the rest of the other school of thoughts in relation to a women getting married without her guardian.

Answer:

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah

The hadith is authentic. The Hanafis understand it as being a negation of appropriateness–namely, that it is inappropriate or wrong (but not legally invalid, as a woman–like men–possesses full legal capacity) for a woman to marry without her guardian’s permission. [Marghinani/Ibn al-Humam, Fath al-Qadir `ala al-Hidaya; Ibn Abidin, Radd al-Muhtar]

Source: http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=14049&CATE=239

Also see this: http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=580&CATE=10

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Re: ACK my parents are ruining my life!

and theres is always the ‘‘religious/islamic’’ card being played :smack:

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Re: ACK my parents are ruining my life!

^Because ppl were saying it’s not allowed.. If someone says something that’s factually incorrect surely it’s best to correct it rather than let the thousands of ppl reading GS believe it’s true… Ur response is a strange one considering ur so into Islam.. unless u don’t agree with the ruling.. which I guess a lot of desis won’t.. of course, who cares if a Muslim girl doesn’t know her rights :smack:

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Re: ACK my parents are ruining my life!

Yeah to be honest. I have given up. I think they are not ringing back out of social predjudices. I made it clear that these people came to our house and its the decent thing to do - to ring back and say no.

I even said if you want me to marry my cousins I will. At least say no to these people. Put them out of their misery. I feel so bad and guilty.

So sick of this situation. I never thought my parents would be this set in their ways.

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You do need a wali, but like you said if the wali is acting unreasonable i.e not allowing the girl to marry because the man is a different colour or caste then the wali becomes a relative.

Is the caste thing the only issue your parents have?? Would they rather marry their daughter themselves to someone of her choice or would they like it if she ran off and married without their approval.
My parents and cousins were like this but now times are changing and so have they.

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^I said u don’t have to have ur wali’s consent if ur Hanafi and I’ve posted the proof.

If u have issue with that pls post something to back up what u’ve said (referring to Hanafi Muslims) or just admit it’s only ur opinion.. I know most desi muslims do believe a girl needs her parents’ permission to marry but then again they also believe in a lot of other other dodgy stuff masquerading as Islam like living in the extended family setup, cousin mariage being preferred etc.

'According to the Hanafis, since marriage is a kind of contractual transaction and women have the full right to engage in transactions they also have the full right to engage themselves in marriage, on the condition that they are sane (`aqil) and have reached adulthood (baligh). The basic principle here is “one who has the right of disposal over his/her wealth has the right over his/her self, and one who does not [s: have such right over his wealth], does not [s: have such rights over his self].” (Durr al Mukhtar vol:2, pg: 209 ed. H.M Saeed)

Since a sane, adult woman has the right of disposal over her wealth she also excercises such guardianship over her self and can therefore marry without the permission of her guardian and nor can her guardian force her into a marriage, even if she is a virgin - contrary to the position of the Shafi`i school.’

Full comprehensive info on the Hanafi position here: http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=12&ID=13657&CATE=10

If u still don’t believe me ask an imam at a respectable mosque (not some village maulvi) whether a Hanafi girl requires a wali’s consent for her marriage to be Islamically valid..

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Sorry OP, ur thread has turned into a religious debate. I’ll shut up now :hinna:

Please think carefully before marrying ur cousin.. might turn out ok but then again it might also turn out to be years of misery or regret..

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Thanks deeba.

I have considered that. I didn't think of the religious aspects. All I thought was the witnessess.

I don't know if running off and doing it myself is the correct way out.

To be honest I abhor that idea. Parents did say they would rather do it themselves and back off. I hate this idea too as marriage is meant to be about happiness.

The only thing i can think of is sacrificing my own happiness for theirs.

I said to them to do what they want. I feel numb. AND i feel hurt. But if this is their choice. I also added I would not bring my children in this caste thing. And they are unhappy. And shocked. But I will not put them through this pain.

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**Nope :nahi: Never ever think of that !
Films, dramas,… and reality are really different things.

Once the izzat of your family is gone, it won’t came back again.

Try to talk with your aunts/uncles or maybe a good family friend who can try to talk to your parents. Insha’Allah everything will be alright :hugz:
And if possible explain the situation to the guy also.
**