So my mother in law gifted me some clothes while I was visiting her house with my older brother and my bhabhi. Mum and dad were not present and when presented with clothes I told them that I can’t accept these gifts without my parents with me and that when they come round it would be really nice of them to bring them round then. They insisted I take them and I did but when I got home mum was really not happy about how mother in law had not come round to give these gifts herself. She always seems to make an excuse for why she can’t come round.
So this time round we went round and as we were about to leave the presented us with bags of clothes that they had brought back from pakistan for me. We were just visiting as they had returned from Pakistan, we didn’t expect any gifts at all. My mum insisted that we would prefer for them to come to our house and give us the gifts. In my family that is always how it’s done, if you have a gift to give to someone you go to their house and gift it. You don’t give it to them just because they’ve visited your house and it’s easier for you to not have to go round to theirs!
Now upon getting home my fiance has had a go at me. Even though mother in law to be acted like it was fine on the surface - joking that she could gift these clothes to me on the next eid, the reality was that when we left she had a word with fiance. He is now fuming that I ‘rejected’ him. I’ve tried to explain to him that before marriage we don’t accept gifts in this way when visiting the in laws house but that we expect them to come to our house if they want to gift something to us. We have been to my in laws house on numerous occasions but my in laws only ever come to my parents house when they really have to (our engagement and meetings between the families).
My issue is why did mother in law act all nice to our faces, but as soon as we left start filling my fiances mind with this stuff.
Am I in the wrong? I have apologised to him even though I don’t feel I’m in the wrong. If my parents say no to taking gifts from my in laws house if they haven’t come round themselves and actually given them to us at our house then who am I to argue with this? I live at home so naturally I have to do as my parents say. At the same time maybe my parents are being over cautious?
Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period
Accepting presents at your own place or somebody elses' place shouldn't make a difference. IMO even if I were in your fiance's or MIL's place I would be a little hurt.
Your parents may be thinking on some other lines but not accepting presents and asking your ILs to come to your place to give them is going a bit OTT and giving the dictating vibes.
And when talking to your fiance it's quite possible she didn't mean to be spiteful or anything and probably just expressed her hurt and your fiance obviously didn't like the fact at all. During the engagement period both parties are equally sensitive when it comes to anything that could potentially hurt their parents. It's like a reflex defense mechanism.
Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period
OMG... gift do to museebat... gift na do to museebat. Why is everything an issue? Who cares where she gave you the gift. Do you realize that many newly wed brides get nothing from their in laws and you are complaining about "where" she gave you a gift. Its extremely rude to reject someone's gift no matter what. You can kindly say that you weren't expecting something that nice but take the gift anyway. You should focus on the fact that they don't visit you and you would love to have them over. Not where you got gifts at. I remember I always used to get gifts whenever I used to visit my in laws before I got married. Be thankful that you have a nice MIL who cares and think about you enough to buy you good presents. Please don't make little things an issue.
Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period
OMG... gift do to museebat... gift na do to museebat. Why is everything an issue? Who cares where she gave you the gift. Do you realize that many newly wed brides get nothing from their in laws and you are complaining about "where" she gave you a gift. Its extremely rude to reject someone's gift no matter what. You can kindly say that you weren't expecting something that nice but take the gift anyway. You should focus on the fact that they don't visit you and you would love to have them over. Not where you got gifts at. I remember I always used to get gifts whenever I used to visit my in laws before I got married. Be thankful that you have a nice MIL who cares and think about you enough to buy you good presents. Please don't make little things an issue.
exactly. talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.
Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period
So my mother in law gifted me some clothes while I was visiting her house with my older brother and my bhabhi. Mum and dad were not present and when presented with clothes I told them that I can't accept these gifts without my parents with me and that when they come round it would be really nice of them to bring them round then. They insisted I take them and I did but when I got home mum was really not happy about how mother in law had not come round to give these gifts herself. She always seems to make an excuse for why she can't come round.
So this time round we went round and as we were about to leave the presented us with bags of clothes that they had brought back from pakistan for me. We were just visiting as they had returned from Pakistan, we didn't expect any gifts at all. My mum insisted that we would prefer for them to come to our house and give us the gifts. In my family that is always how it's done, if you have a gift to give to someone you go to their house and gift it. You don't give it to them just because they've visited your house and it's easier for you to not have to go round to theirs!
Now upon getting home my fiance has had a go at me. Even though mother in law to be acted like it was fine on the surface - joking that she could gift these clothes to me on the next eid, the reality was that when we left she had a word with fiance. He is now fuming that I 'rejected' him. I've tried to explain to him that before marriage we don't accept gifts in this way when visiting the in laws house but that we expect them to come to our house if they want to gift something to us. We have been to my in laws house on numerous occasions but my in laws only ever come to my parents house when they really have to (our engagement and meetings between the families).
My issue is why did mother in law act all nice to our faces, but as soon as we left start filling my fiances mind with this stuff.
Am I in the wrong? I have apologised to him even though I don't feel I'm in the wrong. If my parents say no to taking gifts from my in laws house if they haven't come round themselves and actually given them to us at our house then who am I to argue with this? I live at home so naturally I have to do as my parents say. At the same time maybe my parents are being over cautious?
Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period
Seriously? You make the rest of us ladies look bad when you come here with completely insensitive and vain complaints. You have a problem receiving gifts, WTH?
Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period
IMO if a family has issues with accepting gifts in your situation, they should also have issues with you visiting the inlaws home before marriage. These two issues go hand in hand in such homes. Also, you should keep in mind that the more you meet your inlaws especially on their turf, the more chances you have to either offend them or get offended. Unless you are fully versed in what they consider good manners and they in what your family considers such as well. Since that is rarely the case, you need to tread carefully in such issues. People are sensitive in issues which you might be insensitive to. Everyone is raised differently. Most agree on what is good etiquette, but there are minor variations. Which is why in this particular case, your inlaws are correct, and you are too. But you sent them mixed signals. For if you can visit their home, then surely you can take a gift.
So figure out how you want to work this. Either mold yourself to their norms, or be very particular about your own. You cant have it both ways sweetheart.
Also, pick your battles. This wasnt something to make a fuss over. Your mother in law couldnt talk in front of you. Nor did she set your fiance on you. She just spoke to her son about how she felt it was rude of you not to accept a gift. After all, you probably accepted her hospitality in terms of food and khatir dari. This was just another extended version of it in some families.
Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period
A mountain being made out of a molehill.
Reminds me of the last time we went to Pakistan. My parents had bought some gifts (children's clothes) for my cousin who is married. Mind you....it's not like she was a newly-wed at the time. She had two kids. We were pressed for time as we had to leave in the next couple of days and there was a lot of packing to do and last minute errands to run. Because of this.....my parents visited my cousin's parents (taya and tayi) at their home and gave them the gifts for their daughter and asked them to pass it on to her. But my taya and his wife came back to my dadi's house (where we were staying) and returned the gifts my parents had given.......and told them that we should visit their daugther's susraal and present the gifts to her in her marital home......as that was some "rivaaj" they had and was the "right" thing to do (in their eyes, of course). They insisted....pressured.....made a huge stink out of it....and really just created a tense atmosphere. We were leaving like the next day...there was soo much to do....and they couldn't understand our time constraints. Again, it just created more tension between relations...did more harm than good. My parents had visited their daughter in her in-laws home before....so they could have let it go. But somehow it offended their shaan. When I think back on it...it irritates me because it's not the first time that they've been inconsiderate of our limitations. They couldn't appreciate that another person thought about their daugther....spent time shopping around for a gift...put in all that effort. That wasn't enough....they also wanted the person to present the gift according to their criteria. It was just too much. Anyhow, this thread reminded me of that time.
Think about the tradition of accepting gifts only in your parents home. If you were to show some flexibility in this tradition....would it result in grave consequences? In the grand scheme of things.....is it really that big of a deal? What's more important? That someone considered you important/special enough to get you a gift......or the location of where you receive the gift?
The only thing here that seems more of an issue (IMO) is that the in-laws are not coming over to your place as often as you'd like and you think that MIL is making excuses. But you haven't mentioned why that is. Is it because she's not happy about the rishta/marriage? Is it because maybe she's not the kind to socialize and visit people that often? I know people who feel more comfortable having others at their own home and not so much with visiting others. And that doesn't necessarily mean that they don't like you. Is it because she feels that before marriage....it's better to maintain some distance (as Demesne said).
Maybe the next time that you and your family visit your MIL-to-be......your mom AND you can gently bring this concern up.....that you consider her an important and special addition to your family and you'd like for her to feel comfortable with your family....that you see her like your mom...and want her to visit more often. Have you even brought the matter up with your MIL....or are you and your mom only discussing it amongst yourselves? Cuz it that's the case....how would that help?
I think the more important thing is to develop a strong and positive relationship with your husband's family. And when that happens.....where you both feel comfortable interacting with one another............it shouldn't matter that much as to WHERE the gifts are given and accepted.
Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period
Agree with what everyone else has said, sorry but I think you guys are in the wrong this time for being so rigid with the gift.
Your MIL didn't do anything wrong, did you want her to have a go at you herself? Of course she's going to talk to her son and be honest wiht him instead of you.
Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period
Agree with what everyone else has said, sorry but I think you guys are in the wrong this time for being so rigid with the gift.
Your MIL didn't do anything wrong, did you want her to have a go at you herself? Of course she's going to talk to her son and be honest wiht him instead of you.
For all you know, CB, your MIL might not have told her son to talk to you about it. Maybe that was his own decision. But taking the point that Sara has made........doesn't your own mom also complain to you that MIL doesn't visit your home as often? Perhaps she sounded really annoyed/frustrated when venting to you? Maybe she felt comfortable telling you (her daughter).....but not your MIL herself (at least not in the same frustrated tone). You and your mum can gently encourage your MIL to visit more often. But if she still doesn't do it.....it doesn't necessarily mean that she hates you (some people are more social than other). If the woman treats you kindly and doesn't meddle in your relationship b/w you and her son, that's really what matters most. I know it's easier said than done....but try to give the benefit of the doubt and pick and choose your battles.
Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period
If someone gives you a gift, you accept it graciously and appreciate the fact that they thought of you in the first place. That is how things are done in well brought up families.
Its NOT your MIL's responsibility to come to your house specifically to gift you something. You can't expect her to be okay with this attitude...it reeks of arrogance.
Try not to sour this relationship before its even begum...you're engaged...not married.
Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period
Wow, talk about being clueless! Such gracious in laws are few and far between. Not only are they kind enough to think about buying gifts for you, but they didn't respond harshly when you tactlessly turned them down. Instead they merely stated their opinion to your fiance. He had every right to be mad, you put him in a very embarrassing spot. No one likes to hear anything negative about their fiance.
Believe me, I have seen engagements break over less minor issues. If it was between friends it would be bad enough, but with your future in-laws?! Especially before marriage, during the engagement period, it's always a delicate time when both families are still getting used to each other. Damage control time.
Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period
Now you mentioned it is norm in your family to go at someones house and gift them, and guess what? In my family it is norm to gift people when they came to greet you after you have been to Pakistan or God knows where. So really, your family is creating an elephant out of an ant and really being rude and selfish. Weird behaviour!
Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period
hey, ok, i kind of understand here, im surprised though, that you as the girls side visit more, than they do, and you being in tow. in most families i know, girl doesnt usually go unless needed to, and boys side usually visit more. we have only been once to my sister in laws -inlaws to be- house, thyeve come few times....
however it doesnt matter who gives the gift, i do think they should come to home and give it...so many times i was given something just because i visited, and mum was not happy....why? BECAUSE these same IF they came to my house, WOULD NEVER accept a gift we give them. so mum said it makes us look cheap and like we are greedy and taking all their girts yet they dont accept anything at our house....maybe thats why ur mum wasnt happy....