Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

I agree with Nads over this, I think the main issue with OP's family is that the other family never seems to visit. I don't really think it's about the fact that her MIL gave the gifts in her own home.

I'm also failing to understand why your fiance had an argument with you over this. You are in your parents custody for the time being and what they say goes; if he had a problem with it then he should have taken it up with them.

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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

I think if everything else was fine between the two families, this wouldnt be such an issue. However, i am still of the opinion that its just more respectful to go to the family's house to wish them and then gift them. Though at times there may be circumstances that don't allow it so it shouldnt be held against them unless its a pattern they follow.

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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

I totally agree with the op. My parents would also not approve of me collecting gifts. In addition you are right before marriage obviously you have to.follow your own parents wishes and do not think there is any justification for your fiance to be mad at you. If you start apologizing today for things that you are not even at fault for then you will end up doing it your entire life. Posters here are acting like gift is something so big and you should be grateful...but you are investing your whole life into this relation and you deserve it. Plus the fact that your mil hardly visits is weird....

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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

^Chi chi…you don’t do your nick justice. :nahi:

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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

this is not going to help things. Her fiance had a right to speak to her..and the issue was about the gifts ! The OP already realised her mistake after 2-3 posts and felt guilty about it!

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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

Yes, a right to 'speak' to her, not have have a tiff over something which OP does not have any control over. What did you want her to say? 'Oh, Mum you should stop being such a weirdo and allow me to accept the gifts from my in-laws-to-be'??

This wasn't the OP's fault. If anything it was her fiance who made a big deal out of nothing. Why should she apologise to him? What for? For the actions of her mother?

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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

she wants to apologise!

I am just of the opinion that next time if they give her something she should just nicely accept the presents and not worry too much about it.

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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

I'm trying to picture the whole thing in my head using other people and not in-laws. Okay...so I'm visiting at my friend's home and she surprises me with a gift. Rather than accept it....I create more inconvenience for her by telling her that she must give the gift to me at my own home. HUH? Weird. I could just take the gift, thank her for it, and then invite her.

Inviting people and exchaning gifts should be a comfortable experience. Why make it inconvenient by setting such inflexible conditions?

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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

Also, sometimes when you get a gift for someone......you feel excited about giving it to the person as soon as possible (whether it's at the recipient's home, or the gift-giver's home, or some public setting). And you look forward to them opening up the gift as soon as possible because you're excited about seeing their reaction. And when you to delay/kill that excitement ........by telling them that they must come to your home to give it............that is kinda rude. It makes the gift giver feel like they've committed an offense and you're indirectly scolding them....and what was a happy/exciting mood a few minutes ago....now becomes tense.

It's kind of like being at a wedding where everyone is giving a positive speech....and there's just a happy/light-hearted atmosphere......then all of a sudden someone does/says something that totally kills the mood and infuses it with awkwardness and tension. There's a time and a place to smake comments and to withold them.

That's another perpsective to consider, Chocolatebuttons.

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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

It's kinda rude to decline a gift, or to say that I can only take it if you come to my house. That's very incosiderate and ungracious. Talking about traditions, in our family if someone visits you, you give presents to them. We consider it as a way of honouring our guest, and to show them that we are happy that they visited. So maybe that's the case in your in laws as well.

Gifts should be given and taken as a token of love. We shouldn't make it a matter of 'meri shaan kam ho gayi" if they don't come and give it to me in my home. That totally undermines the underlying reason why we are encouraged to exchange gifts, i.e. to increase love. To have inflexible conditions like where it should be given is totally insane IMO.

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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

Hey guys,

Thanks to those who have replied without being rude. To the person who called my fiance a fool, please take a look in the mirror before saying such things about someone you know nothing about. My fiance is the kindest person I know and I will not hear anything said against him.

I have had a word with mum and we have agreed that maybe we have been a little over cautious. I have also apologised to my fiance and we have decided that we both blew things way out of proportion. He dropped by this evening to give the gifts to me at my own house. Mother in law was not with him as he had come straight from visiting a friends house.

I don't know where this thing of not accepting gifts from in laws unless they come by our house and drop them off came from, it is just something that we and people in our social circle have always followed. I don't go to my in laws casually. I only ever go when there is a need to go and that is always with elders in my family with me. I am not in the habit of visiting their home without reason or alone. There are girls in my family who do this, but my parents do not agree with it.

Anyway, issue now no longer an issue. So again thank you for replies :)

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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

^glad you sorted it out :)

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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

I am glad you sorted these things out.

Just something to remember in the future...your mother might forget your mistakes since she is your mother but others don't owe you that and you can't blame them if they do hold it against you. This is a new relationship so try not to let these things happen otherwise you will have created an negative image of yourself in your MIL's eyes without even meaning to.

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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

what a way to start a new relationship, bravo

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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

I'm glad things got sorted out. I'm also engaged and visit in-laws and have gotten gifts on several occassions. Anyway, most of what I thought have already been said but I wanted to make a few comments regarding the above statements.

I understand that your family/social circles have certain traditions/norms. BUT you must also keep in mind that your future husband's family also has their own traditions/norms. And since BOTH sides have agreed that you will soon become part of their family....when you're visiting their home (whether its out of "need" or "casually"), there will be an expectation that you follow/respect their traditions. In addition, if the "elders" going with you do not have the authority to say "yes" to something as simple as you receiving a gift...then there's not much point in them going with you (in my humble opinion).

There has already been one misunderstanding between you and your future MIL...and your fiance was in the middle of it. In order to avoid any more similar situations....think about whether or not you're willing to follow THEIR traditions when you visit their home. If not, then don't visit their home....UNLESS you're accompanied by your parents.

Again, glad things got sorted out. Good luck w/ wedding planning! :)

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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

^ Agreed. In addition, this "incident" also gives you an idea into your future MIL's personality....ie. she's sensitive, and if she feels hurt/disrespected by your behavior...she WILL mention it to your fiance/future husband. And it will make your fiance/future husband feel that he's "stuck" between you and his mother (whether you're "right" or his mother is "right" is besides the point). I assure you he will not have an argument with his mother when she's telling him that she feels hurt or disrespected.....BUT it will cause tension b/t you and him.

All this means you need to be extra cautious when dealing with her (especially before marriage).

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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

Glad to hear that it got sorted out pretty quickly.

But I would like to add that normally we have this attitude that "please don't drag religion into everything' and so on. But religion provides some very good guidelines on how to deal with people. And our holy prophet P.B.U.H has made every aspect of life quite clear and we should use his example to guide us. For instance he said that we should exchange gifts in order to increase love. This point is very important. So that should be the real spirit behind giving and receiving gifts.

Similarly he also used to say that if someone gives you a gift or food, don't decline it, because if someone offers you a gift or invites you to share food that's rizq from Allah. He also said that even if your neighbour sends you the head of a goat as a gift, don't look down upon it and consider it as something inferior. I believe this is a beautiful way of telling us to value the sentiment behind gift giving and not to focus on the material value of the things given to us. And whenever someone gave him a present, he also gave them something nice in return.

Sorry for sounding 'preachy', I just wanted to share the above.

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Re: Accepting gifts from the in laws during the engagement period

I understand that in your family its a norm for the gifts of the new bahu to be delivered to her home, thats how its been done but also look at it this way some girls dont even experience the gift receiving experience ad would really love it, I think even though it would have been more considerate of them to pay you a visit and gift the gift, you should be grateful that at least your getting something trust me so many girls out there don't. your lucky.