I have been hearing quiet a few stories recently about newly married couples (or engaged couples) who break up due to one partner health conditions. Some feel cheated that they did not know about the illness at the start of the relationship, some says they are not confident they can keep up with the illness all their life.
Have you come across such stories recently?
Do you think couples in the old days were much more loyal to the ‘for better or worst’ concept of marriage?
What has changed now?
I will share 2 stories:
1)A guy married into an arranged marriage. A very short engagement happened , a month long due to the guy’s family pressure. On his honeymoon he found out that his wife had a severe case of asthma and she had to live on the pump for ever and that she would always have severe attacks here and now.
The guy felt cheated and returned half way through honeymoon and asked for a divorce. his parents supported him. The young asthmatic girl is now a divorcee only because of an health issue.
A girl married into a love marriage. She had a long 3 years, on and off, relationship wit him. A very shareef girl i must say. Their dating was rather decent type. 2 months after her wedding she started complaining her husband must be gay or must have an ‘personal’ issue. She found out he had searched online for a certain ‘medicines’ and got depressed. On further confrontation, the husband explained he suffered from some ‘weakness’ due to previous illness. It was being taken care of via medicines but he need her support and patience. He was not impotent but had health issues. She felt cheated and divorced him. He is now married with a kid and happy to have found a partner that understood him.
So guys, what is your say on this? What would you have done? Would have forgiven the inital mistake of ‘hiding’ the truth?
Health issues are very difficult to deal with for someone that is just thrown into them without any disclosure - especially when one could have been given.
I know of a couple who was engaged for two years DURING which the girl was diagnosed with diabetes. The MIL (guy's side) broke the engagement without telling her son. When her son found out, he flew from the US to KHI, told his mom he was marrying her and proceeded to do a small Nikah ceremony at her house so there would be no insecurity in her heart or her family's.
Its not fair to either side...the one who is afflicted with the health issue nor the one who has to be there for their partner...the ones who never even knew.
I think full disclosure is important...it leads to a better understanding and healthier relationships.
I don't have serious issues medically but I do have weather allergies and mild asthma. My asthma at times can get so bad I can feel my chest vibrating when I breathe. If I don't take care of myself, I need an inhalor. I told him all of this.
I can say that the people who left their spouses after finding out about their health conditions were very callous. But can I say that without being in their shoes? Can I really assume I know what the consequences can be of being married to someone who has a very serious health issue? No, I cannot.
Both in love and arranged marriages, trust is of prime importance. In the instances OP mentioned, I think its fair enough for the divorces to have happened because the person fully aware of health issues intentionally never disclosed about the diseases to the partners..esp # 2](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) is really sad. In the example Reha gave, since the details of disease were disclosed to potential in laws, it was mil’s personal decision and the gu’s own choice to take a wise step.
Diseases can happen at any point in life..its different to cope with it once you’re settled with the person after marriage for some years..but right in the beginning of marriage, it’s more to do with trusting and taking into confidence than any other thing imo.
^Having said that,it depends on a family's situation. I know of a guy in my in-laws with 3 kids (one kid mentally challenged and in a vegetative state since birth) being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis a year back. The guy had been a lazy thing all his life when he was healthy, never helping with taking care of the special child, making the wife work and teach tutions to run household, being too full of himself, etc. When he was diagnosed, he was perfectly fine and was visiting his parents in another city. The wife, when came to know, clearly told him to stay back and only come back when he's able to take care of himself because she's already done doing his part of responsibilities towards his family. She was so fed up of him since 10+ years of marriage that she decided to stay away from an additional responsibility. They were cousins so she has been facing a lot of pressure from family but she decided to put the foot down finally..so, we can never know what situation is a couple in and what is the level of tolerance for each of them. Better not to pass judgements
i knew a couple a long time ago in my village who were divorced the next day because the bride got an epileptic seizure on their wedding night which was kept a secret from the groom.
the groom got really mad because he wasn't told. he said he doesn't want kids with this disease so he divorced her.
he didn't have to do that because she could be treated for her condition [it's not a disease, it's a disorder/condition that can be controlled with medication...just like BP and Diabetes].
my mom had epilepsy but alHamdolillah none of us [9 siblings] have this condition.
i knew a couple a long time ago in my village who were divorced the next day because the bride got an epileptic seizure on their wedding night which was kept a secret from the groom.
the groom got really mad because he wasn't told. he said he doesn't want kids with this disease so he divorced her.
he didn't have to do that because she could be treated for her condition [it's not a disease, it's a disorder/condition that can be controlled with medication...just like BP and Diabetes].
my mom had epilepsy but alHamdolillah none of us [9 siblings] have this condition.
I know someone who did the exact same thing. Newly married couple, bride had an epileptic seizure and the groom divorced him for the exact same reason that you mentioned.
most of the stories shared were of non disclosure which is really synonym of mistrust.
i have heard of another couple in their middle age with 3 kids.
the wife fell paralysed after her third child. the husband had been taken care of her for 10years now. however, he now wants a second marriage and claim he cannot cope anymore...he feels he is ruining his life ahead and want to be taken care of? the wife is obviously shattered. But is this husband entitled to a second wedding on the basis he mentioned or should he be a loyal husband and care for his wife as a duty?
like proto said, it is very hard for a third person to actually feel these people's pain unless we are in the same position
I do know someone who divorced her husband for impotence but without consumation the marriage is invalid. And her in laws expected her to live her life in silence. And when people asked about heirs all fingers would have pointed at her. The thing is the guy was morbidly obese so his condition might have been treatable but he wasn't interested.
most of the stories shared were of non disclosure which is really synonym of mistrust.
i have heard of another couple in their middle age with 3 kids.
the wife fell paralysed after her third child. the husband had been taken care of her for 10years now. however, he now wants a second marriage and claim he cannot cope anymore...he feels he is ruining his life ahead and want to be taken care of? the wife is obviously shattered. But is this husband entitled to a second wedding on the basis he mentioned or should he be a loyal husband and care for his wife as a duty?
like proto said, it is very hard for a third person to actually feel these people's pain unless we are in the same position
This one is hard...caring for a stroke patient is not easy. You have to be completely selfless because you do every single thing for the other person. Your partner is dependent entirely on you...cannot function without assistance. In such a situation, is it fair to assume the other should just suck it up? They can and morally we feel like they should...but should they?
I personally think the husband deserves companionship...people commit sins this way...but he should also only bring someone into the mix who understands that she is joining them...he isn't leaving his current wife.
...but he should also only bring someone into the mix who understands that she is joining them...he isn't leaving his current wife.
This is assuming the current wife is ok with being in a polygamous marriage. Not the mention the 3 kids being able to handle living under the same roof as dad's new wife.
Makes me really wonder what I would prefer if I ever end up in that position? Being left by my husband or knowing that he is only staying with me out of pity/sympathy etc. and really is having much more fun with the new wife down the hall. Would I really want to hear her voice or watch her walk around the house taking care of my husband and my kids while I'm stuck in a chair paralyzed? Or would it be less painful to be totally out of his new life?
i knew a couple a long time ago in my village who were divorced the next day because the bride got an epileptic seizure on their wedding night which was kept a secret from the groom.
the groom got really mad because he wasn't told. he said he doesn't want kids with this disease so he divorced her.
he didn't have to do that because she could be treated for her condition [it's not a disease, it's a disorder/condition that can be controlled with medication...just like BP and Diabetes].
my mom had epilepsy but alHamdolillah none of us [9 siblings] have this condition.
I can't really judge the guy negatively. I do see how in the olden times a couple would rarely go their separate ways because one person had a genetic problem that's seen in a couple family members, or something that might not necessarily be genetic but there's a fear that the kids might have it as well. It would be painful to see someone that might be a life partner have health issues that would have an intense effect on both people in the marriage. It's unfair to the person that marries such a person especially if he/she is not told about it before hand.
I know a girl that met a guy online. After she met him in person and they decided to marry, She did notice that he had a cross eye issue and that a couple people in his family also had it. For a woman, thinking about her daughter or son being cross eyed or some eye disorder is very difficult to handle. The guy didn't see it as a big issue that he didn't tell her about his family members also having it but a family background check revealed it to her. I don't think I would be able to take seeing how society would treat a child that is cross eyed and how difficult life would be for a child that has a painful disease or disorder or any health issues. It would be very selfish of me to knowingly bring a child into this world that has such a disorder. I know people will disagree with me but that's how I see it.
This is assuming the current wife is ok with being in a polygamous marriage. Not the mention the 3 kids being able to handle living under the same roof as dad's new wife.
Makes me really wonder what I would prefer if I ever end up in that position? Being left by my husband or knowing that he is only staying with me out of pity/sympathy etc. and really is having much more fun with the new wife down the hall. Would I really want to hear her voice or watch her walk around the house taking care of my husband and my kids while I'm stuck in a chair paralyzed? Or would it be less painful to be totally out of his new life?
makes me wonder as well.
i guess i would prefer let go of the husband rather than being in a poligamous marriage where my role would be to watch only.
I think everyone raises great points. I don’t really know how one should go about it. However, whatever decision one does make, one should be as considerate and tactful as possible. I know of a couple of cases in which people behaved rather badly in such situations and karma came back to bite them on the arse:
Older sister of a friend of mine - She was engaged for two years, during which she was diagnosed with leukemia. Mum-in-law is adamant to call it off and even begins telling people that the engagement is off. The son ignores her and marries her anyway. During their first couple of years of marriage, she is still undergoing treatment for the leukemia and her mum-law-treats her rather badly, even refusing to help care for her when severely ill from chemo, and makes son’s life miserable for marrying her (in her words “bringing home a burden”). Eight years and a bone marrow transplant down the line, she’s healthy and mum-in-law has a stroke and is left completely paralysed. Son and his wife dump her in a care home.
Daughter of a friend of my parents - Husband divorces her after she is diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and told that she shouldn’t have children (as the added strain on her organs may result in organ failure). The gentleman even begins looking for a new wife while still married to her (in the process of divorce). A couple of years later, he’s diagnosed with kidney failure and requires loads of care. His new wifey is now in the process of divorcing him and his ex-wife is happily remarried with twins (via a surrogate), so, obviously, has no intention of taking him in.
This is assuming the current wife is ok with being in a polygamous marriage. Not the mention the 3 kids being able to handle living under the same roof as dad's new wife.
Makes me really wonder what I would prefer if I ever end up in that position? Being left by my husband or knowing that he is only staying with me out of pity/sympathy etc. and really is having much more fun with the new wife down the hall. Would I really want to hear her voice or watch her walk around the house taking care of my husband and my kids while I'm stuck in a chair paralyzed? Or would it be less painful to be totally out of his new life?
It is hard, isn't it?
I would hate to watch it happen...but if you love your partner...what else can you do? Part of love is seeing them happy as well.
A lot of people don't really understand what marriage is it seems nowadays. So many selfish reasons to leave a person - illness is unfortunate and not chosen by a person. Yes there are those cases where a person is obese and doesn't care about their health and gets diseases due to that fact, but in cases out of their control like cancer - how can people just get up and leave? I feel like it's just selfish. A marriage is supposed to be through the hardest and happiest times, but people get up and run the minute something bad happens. What about if the guy was the one in the wheelchair paralyzed? He has needs but his wife doesn't? It's just wrong how double standards work in our community.
I get it in arranged marriages or even in engagements - some couples don't know the other person well enough to stick it out. That's fine. But in a marriage where you've been though a lot and years have passed, I can't imagine someone just getting up and leaving the minute something horrible happens to their partner. That's just selfish in my eyes. A friend of mine was all set to marry her fiance when he got into a horrible car accident (not his fault, drunk driver) and he was in a wheelchair. The doctors at the time didn't want to confirm or deny if he could ever walk again. Her entire family told her to get over it and just find someone else. She married him anyways and he has recovered since then. I honestly have so much respect for her.
i also have so much respect for such people...i mean isnt that actual love? it takes a really strong and selfless person to do keep up with the illness of their loved one.
I also heard 2 to 3 cases where husband tests report is zero so girl asking for khula.plus husband not interested in taking medication etc and inlaws are abusive . One of my friend took khula becoz her husband was impotent and have a very rude and abusive behavior towards her.
I think support and understanding is very important. If husbnd has some problem he should go to dr and pray to Allah and wife will support him. And wife has prblms husbnd should understand and take care of her. I think if husband wife support each other then thy can cope up every prblm. But prblm is that no one understand this. I heard one case where wife spend whole life with her husband and her husband has some problems they don't have kids.
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