Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?
I've known people that have bluffed about their circumstances abroad to get good proposals. The people from Pakistan can't confirm and seem to take leap of faith when accepting the proposal. Afterwards I guess it's too late to care or they get to come abroad, are in love, and it seems to be worth it?
Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?
I hate to say this but I think I might be expected of you to gift her something more expensive. If you're the older SIL and they're more cultural than religious - your gift of scarves and religious books might not hold much value in their eyes. Culturally, we are expected to give gold and such on weddings if we're immediate family. I am by no means saying I think this way - but our culture does - so proceed with caution.
Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?
The family might be impressed with the BIL because of the lies and deceits that your in-laws have spunned about him.
I would say that please go ahead with the letter, if it is possible to do so. That would be the best ever gift to the girl. And yes she would forgive you, even thank you; most likely she is being forced into consenting to the marriage anyways. Who wants to leave her parents' home and get married at 15, or for that matter 17, to a virtual stranger twice her age?
From your posts, it is clear that your MIL is a petty and materialistic individual who doesn't really care for DILs. If the 15 year old girl will be moving into your in-laws' home then her life could very well be made hell by your MIL. There would be very little happiness for her post-marriage. Why subject an unsuspecting teenager to such a fate when she can do much better?
The poor girl is just 15 and her whole life is ahead of her. I am sure she will get LOTS of rishtas so it will be no loss for her or her family if they say no to the BIL. They should politely call off the engagement saying they are sorry but they have changed their mind, citing the massive age difference between their daughter and the BIL.
Yes its the lies that are impressing them, his job and the house they live in which is actually in my name. It was done as security at the time of my nikkah but none of my FILs family know this it was kept quiet to not look like they were attempting to buy a UK visa. The only thing I guess they haven't lied about is his job and education. Hes a good lad; but is leaving everything to his parents.
I should have clarified why I mentioned the girl forgiving me. The girl is from a family of 9 sisters no brothers. Education isn't a priority and her Father doesn't earn much. They struggled to find ristaas for their older daughters within their immediate Sindhi community thus someone told my MIL and they literally agreed within days.
My ILs are conservative to the extent of culture only. Its their way not Gods way. I called my ILs pendu a while back on here for the way they treated me and my daughter and their own daughters; simply put girls have no value in this family. After years of depression and posting on here I decided when I became pregnant that I would let the old bat get on with destroying her family as shed hellbent on it.
My husband says he wont remarry or divorce me if hes parents request it but I beg to differ. That's why I plan to go back to work.
I hope that clarifies a few points. I guess I wanted to get the girl a gift that would help her with her relationship with her husband; because in my ILs family you cannot eat with your husband, and are expected to have separate sleeping arrangements once you have enough sons.
Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?
Well maybe give something to your BIL that will help him teach respecting his wife and taking good care of her.
Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?
Well maybe give something to your BIL that will help him teach respecting his wife and taking good care of her.
Thank you for that Lusi; great minds must think alike as I've already purchased a few books for the BIL on the subject of being a husband and the responsibilities it brings. I'm assuming MIL will want me to drop dead after her son reads the books; however if he reads them and pays attention InshAllah he could potentially change the dynamics of his family.
Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?
This is all so so so sad and disturbing :( I know the thread was about a gift...but.... seriously.
All I can suggest is, when the **** hits the fan, be there for her as much as you can...
I will do my best; but already there is talk of me being a undesired influence and perhaps my contact post wedding should be supervised.
Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?
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Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?
I hate to say this but I think I might be expected of you to gift her something more expensive. If you're the older SIL and they're more cultural than religious - your gift of scarves and religious books might not hold much value in their eyes. Culturally, we are expected to give gold and such on weddings if we're immediate family. I am by no means saying I think this way - but our culture does - so proceed with caution.
I get ya Reha.
I guess I am unable to adjust to the ILs environment and the way they run their household. I guess my way of thinking is sentimental; not materialistic. Yes I like nice clothes, a clean home etc but I would never expect my BIL to sponsor such a lifestyle. If my husband is unable to support such a lifestyle then I would work myself. I guess the pending cost of sponsoring another mouth is getting to me too.
I no longer class myself as a member of their household. I don't even wish to see my ILs ever ever again after my last visit to Pakistan. I guess I'm holding out for a miracle of maybe a seperation/divorce whatever is in my destiny I'm willing to give it a bash. My husbands a good guy, but the crap he comes with makes it worthless trying to do anything good ya'know. My Mum thinks my ILs home will soon change. My SIL to be comes from a different culture and being so young she's going to want to do things her way or go back to her parents home etc etc. I was 22 when I got married; I lived mainly in the UK even though we all agreed I would split time between both homes however my ILs refused to pay my medical bills and well things turned sour so I had to come back to the UK for good.
My Mums family (Khalas etc) are now in a state of shock over what's happening and how things are panning out. I wasn't given permission to go do Dua for my own Nani (she was also my Khalas mother). I asked one of my Khalas about present ideas and she said the plane tickets were enough of the cost (2 adults and 2 kids InshAllah). Of course she wasn't aware of the wedding costs being given to us; she's even telling her family she owns lots in Karachi such as shops etc. She's really proud that one of her sons is British and her other son has a posh job in an air conditioned office. If I dealt with my ILs it would only make me more ill which isn't good.
Anyhow rant over! I just need to find someone who can right in urdu etc and can get me the address without being detected.
Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?
Sorry Mods should have put in last post can we lock this thread? I've got my ideas for presents and sadly it's not looking too good so instead of clogging up GS I'd prefer to lock up and move on....
Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?
^ Yes, just wanted to add though that I agree that it is the thought that counts. Just give her whatever you liked/would have liked to receive yourself from a friend. A nice photo frame, an album whatever feels right to you is good!
I also think it is nice of you to be concerned about her and I am sure your SIL-to-be will find a well-wisher and good friend in you after her wedding; that's more important than any gift and I think she will really appreciate that too.
And good luck to you too. It is hard but don't let other ill-natured people get you down. Stay strong.