Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

So my BIL is getting married. The girl is from a Sindhi family; I’m not really sure of what that actually means culturally however at the engagement ceremony the girls family requested that the in-laws took flowers for the girl. Not heard of that but then my family originate from Punjab.

So I’m one of those weirdos who like to get organised in advance so was thinking about possible presents for new SIL.

I was thinking of gifting her some nijaabs (scarves). My BIL prefers ‘parda’ as such so I thought it would be a nice present. Plus possibly some books on marital life in Urdu?

Plus shes like 15 now and will be 17 when she gets married. My BIL is going to be over 30 when the Wedding takes place.

Would nijaabs and books cut the mustard? I don’t see the logic in giving her cosmetics as she’ll have enough as a newly wed. Plus she’ll have enough clothes.

What do you guys suggest? I was going to post this in the Wedding forum but I guess I’m hoping some Sindhis are lurking and will educate me on their cultural ways. The Wedding will be in Sindh, if that makes any difference. I’ll be attending the wedding from England.

2

Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

You gotta ask a 15 yr old then.. What they like as presents . Maybe a nice bag made in England? A nice expensive necklace?

3

Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

Let me get it straight... Your BIL is 28?and he is engaged to a 15 year old?

4

Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

Don't bash me for this as I have no say in my in-laws family but yes you are right. My MIL found the ristaa and is very impressed with it. I have no say in the matter; but as a DIL I am trying my best to find good things to do for the SIL. Does that make sense?

I mentioned the age as I thought it would help with gift ideas? I'm 30 and recall wanting Backstreet Boys CDs at that age (teens); but I don't think it would be suitable as a gift for my SIL.

Rosedreams-why would the present need to be expensive? What happened to the thought that counts?

Okay just to add; I'd like ideas or feedback on my idea because of our financial point of view too. This wedding is going to cost us a lot anyhow; gifts on top is going to be extra expenses. Ideally I'd like to give something postive to her. I wasn't given anything by family at my wedding; so thought it would be nice for me to give her something I like and put thought into.

5

Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

OP, you are planning to gift her right now or you are planning for the wedding?

6

Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

if you are planning to gift right now and have plans to give other gift on her wedding then these listed gifts seem OK but if you would give this on wedding then to me they doesn't look appropriate.
the relative as close as SILs usually gift something of a gold to the newly wed bride and with soaring prices of Gold in Pakistan the trend is shifting towards giving handsome amount of cash.
if you would give a book and some scarves to her on her wedding then the truth is that it would be viewed as too cheap. i am not doubting your thoughts or nice gesture but a gift like this coming from a member from in-laws family is not considered good enough here. so you might need to rethink on gift if it is for wedding.

Also you mentioned that ur BIL like girls doing purdah but you have not mentioned if ur SIL also practices it?
you must consider this too before chosing scarves, niqaab for her because if she does n't do it then she might tihnk that you guys are imposing it on her that she should do it. she might feel offended.

the idea on giving a book on married life is nice but i don't know why do you say that you would give her a book in Urdu.
to give you the picture, there are many many people in Pakistan that are not good at reading and speaking urdu. even the ones who are well versed with urdu seldom prefer to read books in urdu.

7

Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

Hey Guidiaali; there's no set date for the wedding just a rough time scale they seem to be working to. They want to do the Nikkah first and that could be in six months/less/more time. No one tells me anything pretty much until weeks before. Rukhsati would be when the girl is at least near 17. Or at least that's what I'm being told.

The gift would be for her Wedding unless I need to go Pakistan before then and give her the gift then. If that happens I doubt I'll be at the Wedding.

8

Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

Get a bag or something else angraizi. Dnt think books and nijaabs are good wedding gifts. cosmetics from good brands will be a great gift actually as the ones in Pakistan aren't that great. Perfume is a good option too. I never go wrong with perfume and it will cost you very little.

9

Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

Thank you for the reply!

Firstly, my husband is paying completely for the Wedding-the gold, the meals, venues, clothes, additional costs etc. Adding more gold on is not practical or financially something we can do. As the cost of the Wedding (estimated) is quite a lot giving a handsome amount of cash won't be advisable either; I'm no longer working as I am a SAHM and although some (not you) will think money possibly grows on trees where I am the truth is we also have to consider the cost of my SILs potential Wedding 6 months after BILs wedding plus our own ticket costs, bills etc. One income needs to cover everything.

Noone batted an eyelid when I was given nothing; so I didn't really think it would be such a big problem for me to give a gift that would be something I would be happy to recieve. I wasn't able to keep my Mubaraki money either at my wedding; my in-laws run their home the way they see fit. Thank you for the heads up; perhaps I should missing the Wedding-it seems cheaper!

As for Pardah. Even if she doesn't do it now it's expected of her after her marriage-it's as simple as that. My MIL and FIL expect it and one does as they say unless you want a migraine or divorce.

I mentioned Urdu books as I've been told she is fluent in reading/speaking it and also speaks Sindhi. The bookshops I use here have a large collection of books in Urdu but sadly none in Sindhi-I assume the demand isn't as great for them.

Erm judging by the fact my chosen present maybe seen as cheap am I to assume in Pakistan for some it's simply a case of money talks? That's quite sad really.

10

Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

I struggle to find ones without alcohol denat-which my BIL won't use and thus not suitable for SIL too.

She'll get cosmetics for her Wedding. Surely more isn't good?

I don't quite follow the angraizi business. She's in Pakistan. Why would I buy her something along the British lines? Sorry don't get it.

Okay I'm gona be bold. Is this a case of people don't like gifts that would come under the 'religious' tree? Is it all about getting big expensive gifts?

The best present I ever got was a drawing from my little cousin when she was 5. I got it when I was 21 and I kept it safe. The effort she put it was so sweet. I never realised how commercialised some have become.

11

Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

For a 15-year-old? If she already does parda, then I'm sure she has plenty of scarves and will be given more by her own family. If she doesn't practice parda, then let her mother, your MIL/BIL deal with it. You should not risk making her think that you're trying to impose parda on her when a getting gift should bring her nothing but happiness. You can't control the actions of others....but you can control your own.

Since the gift is for the wedding which isn't anytime soon.........why don't you start getting to know your future SIL a bit? Start communicating with her through phone/e-mail/chatting etc. Get to know her and find out what type of things SHE likes.......not things that your brother prefers or things that has to do with marriage.....but what type of things the girl would like for herself personally.

12

Paheli, good advice :)

13

Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

Thanks for that Paheli but I'm not allowed to be in contact with the girl-her family don't allow in-law contact apart from MIL to MIL. Does that make sense? IF I was to visit Pakistan soon then I would be escorted by MIL to SILs house; and supervised during my visit to see the girl only not to chat. I've been told that my BILs in-laws run a tight ship and don't allow outsiders influence. I'm classed as that as I'm not from a similar background or similar upbringing. That doesn't bother me as I'm the one marrying her; however getting to know her will be tricky under the current circumstances.

As for me getting stuff that my BIL likes; I just thought it would be easier for SIL to get into the swing of things if she was given an early heads up on what her husband likes? No bad intentions (not that you said there was however I know some maybe thinking this). Unfortunately in my in-laws household you go by their rules and their ways. So even if I do find something that she likes if my MIL doesn't like it or BIL doesn't think it's suitable I'm stuck!

I never thought buying a present would be so hard.

Oh and I forget to put previously; costume jewellery (like the stuff we can get in England) isn't liked by them either. So no option of buying a nice non-gold necklace etc.

14

Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

since you guys are paying for the whole wedding ( it seems exorbitant to me, isnt your BIL earning already) a nice sentimental gift should be great. even a bouquet of flowers should do.
Dnt try to stress over it, you seem like a very thoughtful person and you are right money dsnt grow on trees. if I was paying for someone else's wedding that would be my gift to them and wouldnt even think about getting anything extra

15

Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

Based on what you've posted so far about your in-laws.....I'm sure the girl (and her family) is already aware of the parda requirement. And if the girl's family is so strict....then I'm sure she has gotten plenty of lectures on how she needs to be as a wife. My point is that she has her own family, your in-laws/BIL.....PLENTY of other people who have and will tell her how things need to be done. While I know that your intentions are noble.....I would hate for her to view you as one more person who's giving her hints on how to act. And like I said already....if she already does parda, I'm sure she has/will get plenty of scarves.

I agree with the advice on getting her a nice clutch she can use for dawats and sttff. Or get her a small jewelry box that she can use to keep all her jewelry in. You keep saying she'll receive plenty of cosmetics from others.......well then why don't you get her a cosmetics bag set OR other similar organizer that she can use to store all those cosmetics. My point is that you should keep your gift neutral and geared towards HER personally. Something that has nothing to do with your BIL or other people's expectations of her. And I can't imagine your MIL/BIL etc. having problems with things like a jewerly box, nice clutch, cosmetics organizer etc.

16

Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

by angraizi i meant foreign brands like max factor, hugo boss etc. my friends love when i get those for them.
and paheli explained what i meant about religious gifts. she may take as indirect hints.

what about body lotions and stuff. you can get a nice gift set around christmas.

i am just giving ideas. as i said before you guys are already doing alot for their wedding and IMO that is more than enuff.

17

Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

Thank you guys for the responses.

Hmmna-my BIL does MashAllah earn however he's invested all his earnings into a business (for the past 3 years) into a business venture that is bringing in no profit-in fact a loss. Debt is sadly building up. He has no savings.

We actually paid off the debt my in-laws took out for their side of our wedding (I say we as I was working too and paid towards it too) as my in-laws didn't have the funds to pay for it but wanted a wedding-not just a Nikkah.

Also my FIL has not worked since my husband moved here; and doesn't plan to do so either thus why I mentioned SILs wedding too. He spent all his savings (plus took out further debt) to buy a business that was advised against sadly no one listened and now we are paying off the debt steadily.

I don't know what this means but my nand said they were more 'cultural biased than religious'. When I heard that I thought books would be good so that SIL can learn about maritial life, responsibilities and her RIGHTS at her own pace and find some common ground with BIL. I just know my aunts were brought up more culturally than religiously (on my mums side) and they are still not 100% of their rights as wives and it scares me.

I just don't want her to think she's on her own ya'know. I canmmunicate with her now or once shes married I won't be able to have chats etc with her thus books was my version of a sisterly chat! Haha. Sorry no I didn't mean that as a joke I just mean my contact will be limited as my MIL doesn't want me talking to her. I just don't want the SIL to get the problems I had at the start (or have now for that matter).

I wouldn't want her to feel pushed by no means to think or act a certain way. I just remember the crap I went through to fit in and it never worked in my favour anyway. She's so young I don't want it to effect her confidence or building a relationship with her husband. But no I get what you mean so will look for something for her rather than something for her and BIL.

I get the angraizi thing now. I thought you were talking about pink lining changing bags, cots etc. Sorry I'm pregnant and mind is kind of all over the show especially with baby stuff! I guy my cosmetics in Pakistan usually. Only buy certain items at home. Find it cheaper compared to Boots prices in the UK.

Lotions/creams is like a mind field too. I will google alcohol free brands for the UK. Hopefully something will come up (apart from Simple).

Paheli-oh clutch bag. I've seen some nice ruffled gold ones. I'm thinking gold or silver should work well. I mention the cosmetics as I know what's on the list as we've got to buy them as part of the wedding stuff so unable to gift it too. Does that make sense?

Thank you folks! Clutch bag hunting will commence when I can get to the shops without wobbling =)

18

Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

Why not just ditch the idea? After all your husband is paying for the entire wedding anyway and your SIL will know about this and won't expect any additional gift (hopefully).

Having said that, I like the books idea, but remember that culture can play a big part when giving a gift to someone and also, it can come across as slightly stingy, ESPECIALLY where the gift-giver doesn't really know the gift-receiver too much (as is the case here).

The scarves idea isn't too great imo because like someone else mentioned, she may feel like it's being imposed on her.

19

Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

cheesecake?

20

Re: Acceptable presents for a new SIL?

Thank you Disney Princess however my MIL has said that if BILs in-laws or family are to ask about costs of wedding etc we are to say the money came from the selling of the invisable land they have in Karachi. They've told my BILs family we own businesses in the UK, and lots of land in Karachi which simply isn't the case. She says it's about respect for the elders and my BILs in-laws won't respect my FIL if they know he has no money and doesn't run the household and won't respect the men if they know he (my husband) does a bog standard job rather than run a huge business empire in the UK.

Hijaab idea offically ditched. Going to go with clutch bag and see if I can find suitable creams/lotions etc. May consider the book idea as my Mum was saying it's nice to have the resource to consult rather than asking strangers questions which may make a new bride go a bit red in the face.