move past the birthdays and anniversaries issue and get to the meatier issues...bdays and anniversaries can be solved...wanna know how? well my bday is on march 25 but my islamic bday is on 4th rabi-ul-avval...if i were in a shia family and march 25th fell during muharram i would celebrate my bday on the 4th of rabi-il-avval
so those are non issues IMHO
there are bigger issues if you feel strongly about "maatam and crying" and he chooses to participate in that...
with your replies i feel you yourself have a lot of growing up to do if you think YOU or the MAN you marry are going to remain the same as you always were...you BOTH are going to change you may both change very little or you might both change drastically or maybe one of you wont change much but the other will...thats somehting you are going to have to prepare yourself irrespective for of the shia sunni issue
as for the shia sunni issue there are a LOT of successful marriages between shias and sunnis
but at the same time some of these marriages had a rocky start because no matter how you put it marriage is difficult as is...bring in a bit of difference in how you view islam and thats an added stress....like paheli00 and demesne said you need to ask some questions and then YOU need to make the call whether you can handle whatever it is you're about to get yourself into or whether he is not worth the trouble.
Sigh, There is alot that i havent thought of.. now i realise that.. Usually its never a topic if you know what i mean? nothing ever comes up regarding this.
I know i need to grow up and accept these stuff but im really bad at such things.. i dont adjust well to such stuff and yes its my loss. :( i just feel so lonely in this becasue i cant discuss this with anyone.
He told me he has no plans of starting such a thing cause he finds it quite disturbing. Regarding talking about this issue again.. i cant, because he says he doesnt like talking about it.. and the more ill talk the more he will go towards that side.
note: all of you who are married, the issues that im freaking out about.. are they too big? or is there more to marriage? I have known him and his family enough to realise that i will have a happy married life. there wont be any issues of serious nature like interference and all. :(
I'll answer you point for point :) ok?
This first point - if you can postpone a birthday for exams, then surely you can postpone it because one person feels strongly about something?
As for the brothers, think of it like someone dying in the family (that is how shias view it - only it is about the ruthless execution of the highest family of all, that of our beloved Prophet (saw) ). If someone died in your family around the days of your birthday, would you celebrate your birthday in that month? Or would you postpone any and all celebrations?
Your point about the delaying birthday, totally valid. i get it .. but about a death .. i dont get it.. my taya died 4 years back in nov.. i was very upset but my sisters birthday is in november and we celebrate it.? it is a sad time, but Islam teaches us that the sadness is of 3 days. then we move on.
Im fully sympethic with what happened, but we should learn from it instead of crying about it. simple.
Im wondering if I should answer you in PM or here...
Your point about the delaying birthday, totally valid. i get it .. but about a death .. i dont get it.. my taya died 4 years back in nov.. i was very upset but my sisters birthday is in november and we celebrate it.? it is a sad time, but Islam teaches us that the sadness is of 3 days. then we move on.
Im fully sympethic with what happened, but we should learn from it instead of crying about it. simple.
We have been going out for over 4 years, engaged since 2 years. We are mashAllah very happy with each other and also very happy with my in laws.
There is one element that keeps bothering me and i don't settle with. Its religion.
His mother is a shia, father is a sunni. his both brothers are also pro shias. When we were going out he never expressed his views, he would never attend a majlis (he has never attended one) he doesnt perform matam and stays home during muharram like normal people do. so it was never really an issue, he only asked me not to celebrate our birhtdays in the first ten days.. which we also did once.. so it was a very neutral attitude.
however lately his brother has been trying to persuade him to be a more active, like sending him videos of scholars and stuff.. he also told me to watch if i wanted to. i feel disturbed by this cause this would cause issues between him.. i like the person that he is, and i dont want him to change. its really bothering me about him changing. He is 22 years old. He prays namaz like a sunni, kalma like us as well..
what do you all think about this?
Being a Hindu, I can't say much about a Sunni-Shia marriage, but a lot of my friends are in marriages where their own belief is different from their spouse's (I use belief to not mean religion, but rather a sect within the same religion). It takes a lot of flexibility and understanding to respect the fact that your SO does things differently. The marriages that thrive combine both beliefs - it's a give and take. Problems arise when one person refuses to budge from their way of thinking.
Ask yourself if any of his beliefs are really bad or just different from yours? Is there a way you can combine Sunni and Shia customs in your lives and respect both?
If you staunchly feel that you can't accept his beliefs, it's best to walk out :( This can turn into an ugly problem later on.
Birthdays as u get older are just a normal day plus we shouldnt really be celebrating them anyway.. With regards to the sunni shia issue.. You cant 'force' your fiance to pick which path you would like him too, maybe he might become more inclined to shia'ism maybe he wont, you have to be mature bout it, his parents managed to lead a successful marriage im assuming, but its something you both need to discuss, did his parents pick a particular way to bring the kids up? Half of them shia? Half sunni? Or was it a case as they got older the kids picked their own path, your young and will have to face the facts and ultimatley communicate with him, dont say to him i dont want you to 'be a shia' or have shia beliefs, if he says hes not going to change then maybe you should accept his word and move on from it.
i know i can't force him into what he chooses to believe.
im very confused about it right now, i have recieved very good feedback, awesome answers which made me wonder. however i dont think he takes this topic or difference seriously? i need to know where he is at..
secondly, i've come to the conclusion that hes not a very religious person, hes more neutral then most people, so this might make him more spiritually rather then in acitivities. maybe im reading too much into what he just said.
Do you know any shia-sunni couples? Maybe you could talk to them and ask their opinion on the matter. I know one such couple and the guy became shia after they were engaged. They both agreed to compromise on everything but the kids have been brought up with shia beliefs and are taught a different kalma. On one ramadan a few years after they got married, when we all were opening our fast, her husband an her left the room and said they would return to open their fast later. An aunt asked the girl afterwards if she had also converted to shia'ism and she said "i haven't but its easier to just follow it than listen to have daily arguments on the topic." I think if you do decide to marry him, then be prepared for a lot of compromise. But also make him understabd that he needs to respect your views too. InshaAllah i hope things work out for you.
