It doesn’t matter what we think about all this. What matters is what YOU and HIM think!
In 4 YEARS of being in a relationship with him…have you ever asked him if he considers himself Sunni or Shia? Have you two talked about whether or not the children will be raised as Sunni or Shia?
Based on what you wrote, I’m going to assume that you never asked him directly what he considers himself to be. Please let me know if I’m wrong in my assumption. BUT if I’m right…that means that based on his actions…you also ASSUMED that he doesn’t consider himself Shia. And if that’s true then that is a MAJOR mistake. Just because your fiance does not practice the specifics of Shiaism…that does not automatically mean that he doesn’t consider himself Shia.
So here’s what I think you need to do:
Have a open and non-judgment discussion with your fiance. Ask him directly whether or not he considers himself Shia or Sunni.
Ask your fiance if he expect his children to be raised as Sunni or Shia…or be exposed to both equally.
Once your fiance answers those questions…based on his answers…then YOU and YOU alone need to decide whether or not you still want to marry him.
And also…I hate to say this but at 22, your fiance is still has a lot of growing up to do (personality wise/emotionally). All my close friends…my cousins…myself included…we’re not the same exact person today that we were back at 22. Heck even my fiance will admit that he has changed his values/beliefs a lot since he was 22. So whether its this specific religion issue or other personality issues…you need to keep in mind that no matter who you marry…there is no guarantee that the person will change…or will NOT change.
Obviously his mother/father managed to make their marriage work despite being Shia & Sunni. There are plenty of other mixed couples out there who make it work too. The issue here isn’t the potential difference in religious sects…the issue here is whether or not BOTH of you are willing to work through the differences.
right now im stuck between goddamnimsoawesome and demesne comments.
one: i want him to be the person i met, the person i loved. if he changed, yes there will be effects of it on our personal life not just religiously. ( my own name is one name that shias abuse, and he never objected that.) He wont ever want me to have a kids birthday if its muharram even after the first 10 days?
Last year it was our anniversary around before muharram but we had exams so we celebrated it after exams, on 7th muharram no celebration just a dinner.. and this year when it again in the same month, he refused me to keep a status or wish him on his facebook wall.. i asked him why and he said its okay what we do in private but if my brothers see it they wont like it.. Its good to respect but its our day, why should his brothers object our personal affairs? he just said in those ten days he doesnt want to show ppl.. this is a bit odd, like he doesnt want to but afraid of people?
secondly, i dont want him to be a shia cause i dont agree with their beliefs. i cant picture him doing matam and crying and all. i dont accept all that? plus my family doesnt really support that sect either so it will be a bit problematic.
third: why is his brother forcing him? hes clearly old enough to know what he wants and google himself. why preach him? its an act by him which i didnt like.
and my question here is.. what do you think is the probability of him changing 360 degrees? do people do that?
and for 4 years, we always decided to be ‘muslims’ no sects nothing. just focus on the 5 pillars.. we were neutral and it was so good.. now i think im going to lose him.
hes my best friend, if he changes i will lose a big part of him. there will be a topic that would be off limits or would make me quite.
I’ll answer you point for point ok?
This first point - if you can postpone a birthday for exams, then surely you can postpone it because one person feels strongly about something?
As for the brothers, think of it like someone dying in the family (that is how shias view it - only it is about the ruthless execution of the highest family of all, that of our beloved Prophet (saw) ). If someone died in your family around the days of your birthday, would you celebrate your birthday in that month? Or would you postpone any and all celebrations?
If you can’t picture that then yes you guys have serious problems ahead if he choses to go down this path. So I understand your fears. But there is nothing you can control since it is a personal matter for him. You can control how you handle it, bus. Just as he’d have to control how he handles it knowing that your belief system is so varied from his
Noone can force him crazyfool. He is an adult and he has a mind of his own. If a brother can force him so easily and he is easily influenced, then so can you and voila! your issue is solved.
If he is changing , it’s because that appeals to him.
Kalko if his brother starting preaching Judaism to him , your fiance wouldnt convert to a Jew na? He has a mind of his own. Preaching is preaching. His brother probably feels strongly about it and is guiding him as he sees fit.
After all he is an elder brother, it is his position to guide his younger brother as to what he thinks is right.
People do change. Sometimes 360 degrees even. It’s all a part of growing up. Perhaps he is testing the waters and figuring out for himself what he wants to do and what he doesn’t. Perhaps he is changing completely. I don’t really know. But people do change. Some slightly, some completely. It is not unheard of. He is young right now. As paheli said above I think, he is at an age where he has a lot of growing up to do (personally and religiously etc).
we had the talk about his sect, and he said he believes some of sunni stuff and some shia stuff.. he has no issues about the kids, he said you can give them an option to choose.. we cant ever have any discussion on religion cause hes never interested in it and he says he has no knowlodge so he doesnt wanna comment.
i know people change, but that change will be bought together.. it wont be the change in which we wont be together.. we will inshAllah get married in the coming year hopefully..
I want to marry him, and if i ever tell him that i am leaving him for this reason he will go mad how little i love him.. i’m like his family, his mother is very close to me.. his little sister thinks im his sister..
im sorry my reply is abrupt but my niece is taking the laptop from me.
ok?