About my relationship with my fiance.

[Paheli00]

Re: About my relationship with my fiance.

@crazyfool

We have been going out for over 4 years, engaged since 2 years. We are mashAllah very happy with each other and also very happy with my in laws.
There is one element that keeps bothering me and i don’t settle with. Its religion.

His mother is a shia, father is a sunni. his both brothers are also pro shias. When we were going out he never expressed his views, he would never attend a majlis (he has never attended one) he doesnt perform matam and stays home during muharram like normal people do. so it was never really an issue, he only asked me not to celebrate our birhtdays in the first ten days.. which we also did once.. so it was a very neutral attitude.

however lately his brother has been trying to persuade him to be a more active, like sending him videos of scholars and stuff.. he also told me to watch if i wanted to. i feel disturbed by this cause this would cause issues between him.. i like the person that he is, and i dont want him to change. its really bothering me about him changing. He is 22 years old. He prays namaz like a sunni, kalma like us as well..

what do you all think about this?

It doesn’t matter what we think about all this. What matters is what YOU and HIM think!

In 4 YEARS of being in a relationship with him…have you ever asked him if he considers himself Sunni or Shia? Have you two talked about whether or not the children will be raised as Sunni or Shia?

Based on what you wrote, I’m going to assume that you never asked him directly what he considers himself to be. Please let me know if I’m wrong in my assumption. BUT if I’m right…that means that based on his actions…you also ASSUMED that he doesn’t consider himself Shia. And if that’s true then that is a MAJOR mistake. Just because your fiance does not practice the specifics of Shiaism…that does not automatically mean that he doesn’t consider himself Shia.

So here’s what I think you need to do:

1. Have a open and non-judgment discussion with your fiance. Ask him directly whether or not he considers himself Shia or Sunni.
2. Ask your fiance if he expect his children to be raised as Sunni or Shia…or be exposed to both equally.
3. Once your fiance answers those questions…based on his answers…then YOU and YOU alone need to decide whether or not you still want to marry him.

And also…I hate to say this but at 22, your fiance is still has a lot of growing up to do (personality wise/emotionally). All my close friends…my cousins…myself included…we’re not the same exact person today that we were back at 22. Heck even my fiance will admit that he has changed his values/beliefs a lot since he was 22. So whether its this specific religion issue or other personality issues…you need to keep in mind that no matter who you marry…there is no guarantee that the person will change…or will NOT change.

Obviously his mother/father managed to make their marriage work despite being Shia & Sunni. There are plenty of other mixed couples out there who make it work too. The issue here isn’t the potential difference in religious sects…the issue here is whether or not BOTH of you are willing to work through the differences.