Aasiya n firuon

Lifestyle Relationships
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This is what I am referring to Sara.....

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Re: Aasiya n firuon

So it started from Aasia bibi and ended up in to long discussion of khula and being woman is bad.

I do not think repetitive abuse especially physical should be tolerated by a woman in any way.

Since some people may know what it means: "Taali Donon Haath Se bajti Hai"

Let me say few things:

Aside from Aasia since no one can really tell what kind of life she and her husband lived and one can only rely and accept what is written in scripture...

1- Many women are also emotional similar to many men.

2- They may be immature in relationship and men maybe illiterate at the same time.

3- Provoking man to the point of aggression by women is not so uncommon. There may be time and place where she could do or say something which is appropriate to circumstances.

4- Women have more to lose than men in case of lost marriage. Universal and general fact across the oceans. Hence women have to be extra careful and not let the situation go beyond control.

5- Guys do feel ashamed of occasionally abusive act ( not talking about habitual abusive men) and good guys do try to make up for it over the period of years if woman just wait patiently.

6- It seems as if there is a push from 'some forces' to make women rebellious and be 'impulsive' to get divorce on an occasional event of abuse and divorce lawyers or some so called human rights or women freedom agencies can have job security. Again a pattern of abuse and torture is not what should be accepted.

Women are allowed to get divorced and there is nothing a man's consent or court can do about it if she makes up her mind. Even hadiths are there to encourage and advise women get divorced on whatever reason. You don't like the man. Leave him. Plain and simple.

(Lawyers do have conflict of interest in many cases. More prolonged is the fight, more money for them. They may discourage parties to resolve the issues or talk directly in these cases.)

7- Fortunately most women do try to work it out (occasional abuse) and eventually get long term great relationship, happy life and appreciative husband who continues to feel ashamed of his acts and tries to make up for his foolishness in early age of marriage.

Women's lib forces = May be the worse enemies of women in many ways!

Just look at the number of divorced women all over the world (east to west and north to south) especially those with children, they get abused by different men regularly.........trying to please multiple men over a period of time.hoping someone will understand their pain and some men do understand.

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Re: Aasiya n firuon

so you're saying if he batters her 2 times and maybe breaks a bone, she should be patient and stay?

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Lets not dramatize the situation. Read again above.

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Sometimes it is better to do sabar and bear all the bad treatment from your husband but sometimes you have to take a stand against it.

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Re: Aasiya n firuon

islam is also about not abusing your wife. Being patient and being a doormat are two different things : )

If a husband constantly beats a wife I'd say that's God testing her strength and how fast she can get the heck out of the situation, not how long she can stay in it. On the same note, being hit once and repeatedly being hit are not the same. But if he hits you once, it wont be hard to do it again. Patience is fantastic, but use your brain too.

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Re: Aasiya n firuon

But that's exactly what you're saying. You're saying if he loses his temper a few times, then let him go and forgive and maybe he'll change. Only file for divorce if the beating is constant.

So, at what threshold does it become worthy of a divorce?

If he beats you once, let him go?

If he beats you twice, let him go?

If he beats you three times, and now in front of your kids, let him go?

If he beats you again and this time doesn't make up for it with a shopping trip to the mall, let him go?

If he now starts sexually assaulting you in bed as "punishment" for a bad meal, that's still ok, let him go?

Now he hits you again and this time, he causes some mild bruises, let him go?

Then he hits you again, but this time, he causes a hairline fracture...now let him go?

Again, hits you, but this time, causes some internal organ to bleed. Ok, now you want to file for a divorce?

If you think that's not how these things play out, think again.

MOST situations are not going to be - he hit you across your face, took you to the mall next day, bought you a diamond ring, and then never hit you again. That's just not how abusive men work.

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Re: Aasiya n firuon

^ yes PCG...sometimes womens have to let it go

reason 1- she loves him

reason 2- she dont want divorce..coz of her kids..

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They have to let go of being treated like dogs? Didn't know we're back in the 19th century. Women should stand up for themselves, not cower in front of a man. If he constantly beats you that aint love unless it's bdsm.

Kids having to witness a mother being abused will have adverse affects and can possibly aid in them being an abuser themselves. Happy child rearing.

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And what basis do you have for any of this?

Would YOU love your husband if he beat you? Dude, that's pretty sad.

And why would you keep your kids in that abusive environment? So they can learn the same things?

This is why violence continues in Pakistan. Think about it. The people of the country are pretty violent. Folks carry guns and ammo around without any license and without any consequences for using them. People settle their own scores in the bloodiest manners and then pay off the police to ignore it. People are fighting their own war on the borders, without regards to the country's autonomy and policies.

So, its not surprising that hitting in the household is also common. And BECAUSE WOMEN DON'T LEAVE, it is seen as acceptable. Kids grow up seeing it and think its normal to hit your wife once in a while. Even if it causes serious injury.

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Kinzz,

What are you trying to say here? What side are you on? Are you supporting the idea of staying with your husband even if he's abusive? Or are you supporting the idea that a woman should leave if her husband is consistently abusive?

I think that unless you're in the situation, it's really difficult to say with 100% certainty what a person would do. For example, we might sit here (those that don't have an abusive spouse or are single) and say that "The first time he hits me due to anger, I'm just gonna leave him." You say that with certainty but when you find yourself in THAT situation......you might not leave until the 20th strike.

A woman who allows herself to be beaten by her spouse doesn't love herself.....so how can she say that she "loves" her husband? You have to love yourself before you can love others.....cliche as it sounds. Otherwise what you think is "love" could actually be an emotional insecurity.

Have to let it go? Yani k she HAS to tolerate the abuse? I don't think so. Even religion does not say that she HAS to tolerate such a nightmare. She always has the option to wake up, develop some respect for herself, and leave him for a better and safer future for herself. If he truly loved her........he wouldn't hit her in the first place. If he hit her, he doesn't love her. And love should be mutual or else.....unfortunately......it's just a aik tarfah or one-sided situation.

And what if the children follow the father's poor example? What if a woman's son grows up to be abusive because that's what he learned from his dad? What if he grows up with anger management problems? What if the daughter grows up with low-self esteem issues?

**** Childhood only comes once, Kinzz. And sometimes we don't realize the value of it until after it's gone and we become adults.....and wish that things had gone differently. To rob your kids of a happy childhood....when you had the power to prevent it is SAD. Kids can have a more secure upbringing with just one parent as well.

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Re: Aasiya n firuon

RV....remember we had some threads here, where people discussed how girl stay quite when thier husband do cheating or having girlfriend after marriage?? BUT they still want to live with them coz they love them...some of thier tired to tell them about thier husbands/ boy friends /fiances affair with someone else BUT they said they dont have any problem ..coz they cant do anything cos if they start question or fight thier husband might leave them...

SO ...here IF we talk about LOVE then YES...chances are she WONT leave him cos she love him...no metter what ever he do....

but she have kids...then i dont think so she will take her kids out with her and next day knocking court house door for chalid sport money....

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Kinzz,

If she can't leave her abusive husband because she is not educated and can't get a job and live by herself.............then this is called MAJBOORI. Maybe she wishes she could leave him because she has no feelings for him anymore........but she can't because she can't live on her own. Majboori.

Majboori aur pyaar main FARAQ hota hai.

And if a woman is educated and she IS ABLE to get a job and support her kids by herself..................BUT....................she still chooses to live with her husband even though he beats her up. That is not a majboori.........and it is NOT pyaar...........it's called Bewaqoofi.

The foundation of love is respect........if respect is not there........there's no love. And if she thinks that she "loves" him even if he beats her up..........that might be her ghalatfahmi. She might think it is her love....and her undying mohabbat.............but in reality it might ehsaas-e-kam tari.

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Re: Aasiya n firuon

^ by all means a woman is free to leave husband if and when she likes to.

Any abuse is bad.

Especially a pattern of abuse is not what should be tolerated. It all depends on individual circumstances.

Occasional event can be worked out and should be. The guy must be made realized of his mistake and any method to make him not do it again should be used.

Leaving house and divorce should be the last resort especially if children are involved.

The guy ends up paying for his deed also in later life. Not so uncommon.

What I tried to say above is that knee-jerk responses written in the thread about slapping is not what people will do in real life. Even in that thread this point was brought by someone.

And there are guys who also sacrifice for children and keeping the marriage going despite their wives not being good or right in many other scenarios. ( not necessarily the similar scenario as abuse or slapping)

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Re: Aasiya n firuon

^ how many of you guys are willing to take these 'occasional events' from their wives? None i beleive probably because you guys have been taught it is so 'manly' to hit your woman but NOT the other way around.. right?....do you really believe Allah used different kind of 'Mat-tii' when HE made woman?

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Re: Aasiya n firuon

interesting question yourfriend.
let's see what the men folk have to say in response.