A Woman's worst enemy

Lifestyle Relationships
41

May be you need to answer harder questions rather than going on with the rant. Read it again:

If there is a female who wants to have kids and happens to marry a person who cannot procreate, should she be forced to live the rest of her life with that guy? If she still willingly decides to continue her marriage for her own free will then its her choice but if she does not, can she be forced?

If a couple are happy in any circumstances then thats the best thing. But if someone does desperately want to have kids then he is allowed to marry again. In such circumstances i feel its worng for the wife to seek divorce if her husband marries again.

42

Iconoclast, I personally know of a couple where the guy is infertile.His wife is right there. Hasnt taken another husband for a child, eventhough she can, by law she has the right. Do you think is fair there. With Rights come a lot of responsibilities, as they say.
One thing is I cant understand..why is the "couple" taken as "two people".When a couple has kids, is it one's or the other's. Probems should have been faced together, not broken into two.If he was a JUSt man, he sould have treated his wife with dignity and asked her permission ...or as I said Adopted...this in itself would have been the BEST thing for his life here and hereafter.
And dont tell me he was a king or something where the genetics were so important as the throne had to be passed down.

43

In my understanding of the religion, I am doubtful that multiple marriages are allowed, so to me that is tantamount to breaking off the marriage. Regardless, without her acceptance and agreement, he was destroying their relationship. Lets not pretend about that.

44

Thats her choice, a noble one. However if she had made another choice, should she be considered evil?

45

I wouldn't consider her evil, and I don't think in this situation that he is evil. However, there is no denying that he treated her cruelly and that his desire for a child led to the break up of the marriage.

46

Re: A Woman's worst enemy

Ask99, i'll tell you another story. My father knows the guy for long time. He and his wife were married for 40 years, could not conceive, they adopted a child. They neevr even bothered to get tested or seek traetment. When i asked him why he said, he was content with Allah's wish.

He raised his adopted child and married him. I saw him treating his son's kids just like his own. Few years ago his wife died. After some time he re-married a widow. Now he is above 60. After the second marriage he started to think of having kids. He got tested but his sperm quality was poor, one factor being his age. Thats when he came to me to help him out. While he was taking treatment his adopted son came to know of his intentions. And jealous of the fact that his father may get a hier he started misbahving with him and his new wife. They even beat up the new wife's kid from previous marriage. They made things so bad that the guys new wife left.

There is no one solution fit all.

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47

How did he treat her cruelly? And why is it bad to desire a child?

He did not want to divorce her, he wanted to keep the marriage.

And gals!

Compare this thread to another where a jealous husband wants her wife to quit the job and all you gals wanted her to continue and not listen to the husband while here you want the guy to stop wishing for a child. Double standards.

48

This is the exception/a rare case, it's not the norm. Not all adopted children turn their intentions like this.

All this would end if it was socially accepted in our community that not all couples find it easy to conceive/conceive after loss...........
The problem is this; apne waleh measure your success by the number of children you have. Those that are having difficulty conceiving feel they are outcast because of this and there is pressure to conform to what the COMMUNITY deems to be normal.

Then on the other hand these same apne waleh deem themselves to be so allah walah, deeply religious but can't understand that this is all the will of Allah??

I've lost count of the times that I've been introduced to someone new/after years and the first question they ask - quite literally is "Beti/behen kitneh bache hai?" Even younger people - not just elders! I had one incident a few weeks back when the mum of someone I went to school with said "So, how many kids do you have now then, Aisha has 3"

Same with some of my friends from madressa and primary school, some of whom made friends with me on Facebook and mailed me through FB and asked that as the first question! I was the first to be married from a large group of friends and they all have one or two chldren each. Then when I teel them that I don't have any yet but that I did have the losses, I never hear from them again!

Then there's the part of me who always when asked this question feels I have to justify that I did have 2 easy conceptions but that they were lost in pregnancy.

Why should someone have to go through this??
If it wasn't because of the above then situations like you described in your original post wouldn't happen. Sure, a wife could tell her hubby to go and remarry, but what kind of man takes that as his free pass to go remarry and live another life................

Hold on....I wasn't going to come back to this thread! I'm going.................

49

Well, if you have frendz or relatives who won't meet you just coz you don't have kids then good riddance. You are better off alone than such people who think so superfically.

50

The whole reason that they think like that though is because of the stupid idea in our (jahil) community that success is measured by the number of children a person has.....

They don't care about your degree, qualifications, academic/vocational achievements............................... they don't mean success for apneh waleh.

Just last week, my husbands cousing became a father to a second daughter, MIL went round telling people that said cousin was quiet and sad on the phone 'dusree beti hui hai' and SIL was going on about my niece who has 2 boys............i couldn't hold myslef any longer and just said 'They should be grateful - ask someone who has none"

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51

I thought this was fairly obvious, but let me spell it out for you. Being tossed aside for a second wife due to something that you cannot help and are probably already very insecure about is very hurtful and demeaning. That's what's cruel.

Marriage is a partnership and every marriage faces challenges. But as long as the partners are willing to work together to solve problems, then it's salvageable. The minute his "solution" to their infertility is turning to someone else, he's broken that bond. He is no longer working with her to solve the problem. It's all about him and HIS desire to have HIS children. It's not about them any longer. How is that marriage supposed to continue?

[quote]

And gals!

Compare this thread to another where a jealous husband wants her wife to quit the job and all you gals wanted her to continue and not listen to the husband while here you want the guy to stop wishing for a child. Double standards.
[/QUOTE]

I never said the guy should stop wishing for a child. The problem is that the partnership has been broken. I'm not certain about how the above situation connects with this one.

52

Re: A Woman's worst enemy

^You still did not answer the point.

Okay consider this hypotheical situation.

Mr Thatcher tells Mrs Thatcher to quit politics, he says we are a family, we have plenty of money lets spend time with each other. Mrs Thatcher says she has built her career after years of hardwork, she will not quit. Mr Thatcher says if you don't quit i'll seek divorce and gets one.

Now who is responsible for breaking up the marriage?

53

Re: A Woman's worst enemy

^ But in the above situation, these are things in her/his control. With the infertility, he's asking for something that they can't have together. She's in a no-win situation.

54

Re: A Woman's worst enemy

As much rights as a man has to remarry and all, this is a really selfish thing to do. You know that it's your wife who's hurting more than anyone else because she cannot have a baby. She feels empty and probably blames herself for not giving her husband a baby. Instead of sharing this sorrow with her, being there for her and comforting her, you go ahead and marry another woman basically so you can have a child? How exactly do you think his wife feels when not only another woman has taken her place in the husband's life but also has a baby to rub in her face that she is infertile. Marriage is not only about kids, as much as people like to think, it's about a bond that you do not and cannot share with anyone else.

55

Hey there sis, please don't let people make you feel down & depressed. At the end of the day what matters is that you have a hubby who is there for you completely (btw what he said was veryyyy true and sweet!) and also, you yourself know this is all about Allah's will. Inshallah, Allah will make everything work out for the best for you and your hubby. And with this topic, I agree with w-b-a-m and Shay completely.

56

Re: A Woman’s worst enemy

just my thoughts…

I think a couple that is happy with each other despite having no kids, no one has the damn right to break it up. Hamara Imaan kaisa piyaara hai. I once mentioned the Imaam I listened to in the Friday Sermon.

He asked

"Do you have a right to put your nose in the life of a married people? Even if it’s your father, your mother, your sister, your brother, your grandfather, whatever?

No, you simply don’t have, because the relationship of husband and whife is so weak, that their worst enemy, chai orat yaan marrad hoi, faida utaa sakthe hain. Sadly in our culture we have people who can’t see happiness between whife and husband, jalte hain, believe it or not, jalte hain. Marrad or Orrat ek doosre ke liye chador jaise hain. Kuch naheen baar nikalna chai, our people talk, talk, talk their lives away and ruin, ruin, ruin our lives because we let that happen. We don’t dare to stand up. We aren’t brave, even though Islam encourages us to be brave, Islam is behind us, but still we fear the humans around us more than God and make life threatening decisions respect or darr meyn aake…

Ek aisa bandan Khuda ne banaya…how can you throw it away…how can you burn all the memories? You know what, I’m a man, I’m the one who asks whife “what if I can’t produce, will you leave me?” She says no, but if she does, I’d never marry again, NEVER IN MY LIFE AGAIN…I can’t anyway, I can’t produce loool :chai:

For my part, if she can’t, so what? I’m happy, so happy with my whife Shaadi banda ab bache bananae ke liye to naheen karte. Beloved Hazoor (saw) said “Momin jo shaadi naheen karre gaa, wo meri Ummah ka naheen”…

You wanna tell me that we all check now who can produce and who not and sort all out who can’t? hahahahaha lool…Waise bi, bacha dena, lena, sabb Khuda ki maarsi hai, hum Khuda naheen hain, lekin sadly some ppl think they r…

PIYAR IS THE MESSAGE OF GOD…WO NAHEEN, TO PHIR KUCH NAHEEN…

I came to the conclusion that in our culture, especially women have an empty mind…

“A empty mind is a devil’s workshop”

I don’t wanna mention any names, but I heard ppl in my BIG FAMILY sometimes talkin’ stuff, chai marrad yaan orat, you’d like to shoot 'em…just shoot 'em…even phone par ajeeb ajeeb batein hoti hain…

If we’d only follow the path of our beloved Prophet (saw)…

57

This example you gave here talks about "choice"...free choice to be exact. The real situation that you mentioned in the first post isnt about"choice"..She didnt choose to be infertile.

58

Do you think the husband would say, go take another husband. The thing that amazes me is the selfishness that people can become blind to.
The couple that Im talking about have made a decision to adopt and I wish them luck.

59

in this situation, parents are the one who took the step of "Watta Satta".

whereas no woman or man ruins lives of anyone.

we do it ourselves.

if someone cheats you that doesnt mean u r wrong. cheaters themselves buy good space in hell.

ps. kisi doseray insaan k leya apnay iman, yakeen or sakoon barbaad kerna baywaqoofi he nahi, bulkay app ko shirk bhi kerwata hai!