A nutty mom

Lifestyle Relationships
1

This is for the girls. Since we get more protected and sheltered. If your mom is dead set against a rishta and is discouraging it, for stupid reasons, more her suspicions and stereotypes than anything else, would you go forward with the rishta or not?

If your significant other complains about your mom in reaction, would you go forward, or would you stop it right there?

2

Re: A nutty mom

If it really is for stupid reasons go ahead but with the support of another person (at least) to help fight your corner.. sympathetic dad, sibling, auntie whatever.. It becomes a million times easier when you're not on your own..

My mum wasn't keen on the guy I wanted but having dad's support made it fairly easy to proceed anyway.. she came round in the end..

If SO complains and he has reason to I'd sympathise (I'm not blind to ppls faults and that includes those of my family) but if I thought he was out of order I'd tell him so..

3

In an arranged setting, no I wouldn't.

And no one has the right to complain about my mom..no matter how nutty she is. so I'll stop right there.

4

Re: A nutty mom

sighz What if daddy starts backing out too?

5

Re: A nutty mom

Then do the “Frozen” song: #LetItGo](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=LetItGo)

6

Re: A nutty mom

LOL

7

Re: A nutty mom

If mom has a pattern of responding in the same manner with every rishta, then try talking to dad about your concerns. Maybe his intervention will change things. Have the prospect talk to your dad instead of mom on the phone...if the former makes a better impression. If not, you'll have to speak to both...or as suggested above talk to an influential adult/relative. Sometimes parents wake up when they are chided by another parent as opposed to their child. I hope it doesn't have to come to this and it can be a tricky tactic to employ as it can also offend parents and push them away from you, so you have to be careful.

8

Re: A nutty mom

If I am emotionally involved with that guy then yes otherwise if there is an arranged setup & the guy checks all the boxes then I will try to convince my mother.

9

Re: A nutty mom

I feel like I’ve done all this.

  1. My dad is always involved. He understands my mom and feels her attitude is more of fear - she is afraid of rishtas from abroad, she is afraid of a guy who has no job, she is afraid of a guy with a controlling mom or female relatives. That’s pretty much 90% of the rishta scene, a fact she doesn’t understand.

  2. I have involved elders in my family that my mom respects. I have no grandma’s left, otherwise my naani would be my nuclear weapon in this situation. She’d have had my back, but she died when I was a kid. I have involved my mom’s sisters. That doesn’t help because they think she is being reasonable. (Fact, my khala fed her suspicions against one rishta because of generlizations on the guy’s cultural background). I involved an elderly religious lady my mom loves to go to for ishtikharas. She approves the guy, my mom backs off for a bit, then later pretends there is no rishta scene between me and a guy, and one time even said “no ishtikhara lady disproves of a guy, when I was like, mom…no all the ishtikharas have been positive…” I mean I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  3. My dad took over the last rishta with all talks between the two dads. Result? Still fell apart. My mom just looks at her food and doesn’t talk to the guy when he came to visit. She gave him one word answers, rarely smiled until he started talking about TuQ who is apparently her hero for whatever reason. :rolleyes: Only then she perked up. And when he talked about the drama Qudsia bano’s waghera whaghera crazy family. Apart from that she complains about the guy, the guy feels it and he complains about her.

Result? I am like the guy whose mom and wife don’t get along. Stuck in the middle in a bad situation.

sighz

10

Re: A nutty mom

listen to your mind more than to your heart. if you 'think' you are right, tell your parents to agree or you will go ahead alone. it's great if they care and agree. if not, your conscience will be clear that you give them a fair chance. the burden will not be on your shoulders.

11

Re: A nutty mom

So I've been in similar situations but with my dad being the "nutty" one.

I had a serious rishta 2-3 years ago, but I was young and it was arranged so I backed off even though I thought my dad's concerns were kind of odd at the time. We had a few rishtas here and there since then but, again, my dad would blow everyone off so it never even got to me.

However, I've been seeing a guy for the past year and things got serious and his parents approached my parents. Well, my dad threw a fit. I mean, my dad's ego wouldn't allow him to be rude to the guy / his family when they were over (which is almost worse because the guy/family think I'm delusional and making things up since they're under the impression my dad loves them) but he was UNHAPPY and he let us all know with his behavior and tantrums. Thankfully, I had my mom and my siblings on my side and they told my dad he was being insane. After LOTS of drama and fighting and crying it seems like my dad has, at the very least, adopted a passive attitude and is fine with going to see the family and give his yes.

I don't have any relatives either that I can trust/go to but if you do then that'd be a good idea (but you already explained it previously so never mind). Other than that, get siblings on your side. If your mom is outnumbered she might realize how she's acting and maybe give it another thought?

12

Re: A nutty mom

Kkf, it doesn't matter if the guy lives in Pak or the West......his parents will want to speak/meet with PCG's parents. Weddings in our culture are a family affair from start to finish, A to Z. If she gives the guy and his parents impression that she's cut-off from her parents, then the guy's parents may perceive this as a red flag. Unless the guy is really keen on the rishta and pushes his parents. The concept of "going at it alone" without any parental involvement is a rare and difficult and scandalous thing in our society.

I don't know how your parents will react to a silent treatment if you were to place the condition that you'll keep a distance from them since you feel very hurt that you're not getting support from them.......maybe it will place emotional pressure on them to be more compromising, but again...I don't feel entirely comfortable suggesting that you hurt your parents even if it for an important cause and especially in Ramzan.

Maybe PCG, you need to be more specific and explain to your parents that even if they don't approve of a rishta, that they (esp mom) should be friendly when the two families meet or speak on the phone. Have you tried explaining from a religious perspective? Or as a last resort scared them with the possibility of you exercising your desires outside of wedlock? It would be a bold thing to say especially within our culture, but maybe it might scare them into being more serious about the situation. But you know it's easier said than done to get married without your parents. It's Ramzan, make dua for your parents to understand and for yourself.

13

Re: A nutty mom

I agree there's powers in numbers. Make sure you know the guy is worth it because you don't want your mom saying later told u so. But if he is convince your sister and father.

Like thy say suno sab ki Karo Mann ki. In the end follow what your intuition and heart says because parents can also be wrong. And if the guy is religiously compatible and aligns with your values then that's a good start.
If my mom is reasonable I will listen to her. But if my heart and intuition is saying she is making mistake...I would consult my parents/siblings. If they are happy with the choice I will go ahead otherwise I wouldn't go aged without any family support just my 2 cents.

14

Re: A nutty mom

I'm outnumbered. The last guy - my sister thought he was a gold digger before she even met him (because the rishta is from pak), my mom thought his mom would clean her out because boy is from a family that normally expects jahez from the girl bigtime and the girl and her family is expected to help the boy with career/car/home. She felt this way even though the boy insisted this is not the case. The guy's mom never asked for one thing in her son's case. Despite that evidence, my mom was not convinced.

My dad was the only one on my side, until he decided to show up to the US and visit me where I live (which is away from family).

At that point, support began waning. No one in his family had called mine to discuss the visit, whether it would be ok with everyone that the girl and boy are meeting alone for a few days in a city far away from the girl and guy's family with no supervision. That irked my dad. He felt that since I'm not a loose girl I shouldnt be treated as such. He came empty handed, which gave my mom some ammunition that see - he wont be giving you a dime but rather will be expecting you to pay his bills, help him buy a car, and pay rent while he tries to get a job in the community, at most he will get to work at Best Buy or Walmart, since this is a college town and we don't have big businesses here.

So I got outnumbered pretty quick. In situations like these where the guy isn't the ideal rishta (right age, set job, established and completed education, citizen of the USA), then your parents will simply have ammunition. I have lowered my standards a lot, and my mom has not.

15

Re: A nutty mom

Already did that RV. Went off on a hissy fit with my parents after dumping the boy, telling them that I will go and sit in a miniskirt at the sports bar next to chipotle in hopes to get some action. Because extra-marital action is all I'm left with these days.

And then I got off the phone, had no nerve to go sit at the bar, and instead ordered a pizza and watched TV.

16

Re: A nutty mom

List the pros and cons of the said rishta! It will be easier to advise you then.

17

Re: A nutty mom

:(

In that case, do you think your mom was right? I think it's odd that the guy came to visit you without the parents even discussing it--was it arranged?
Again, this sounds like my story...kind of. The guy had started communicating with me--emailing me/messaging me--and so had his family, yet no one was talking to MY family from his side. That bothered my parents a LOT and validated everything they had thought about him. Again, this was arranged and I had no reason to go against my parents so I let it go.

Is your mom very social? My parents had ridic demands until they realized that literally EVERY SINGLE FRIEND of mine is single. Not even just happily single but like "desperately looking for rishtas with no end in sight" single. And that snapped them back to reality real quick. They still have illogical demands but my mom's realized how bad it is out there in terms of prospects os keeps her criticism about minor things to herself.

You said the guy has expressed that he knows your mom isn't happy. That's not an ideal situation but is he thinking about calling it off? If your mom has a sour-puss attitude, can you just ignore it and keep going or is she seriously stalling the process? I know it's hard and a few months ago I had considered telling my parents that it was my current BF or I was leaving the family but I realized that was stupid even though I'm financially not relying on them anymore because any respectable family is going to want the girl's parents involved. So i wouldn't go down that route.

18

Re: A nutty mom

Lol, the purpose of it was not for you to actually/literally set off for a bar, scantily-clad...or to commit zina, etc. But rather to get your parents to think about potential consequences...even if you know you'd never act upon it. So, they weren't scared? Yikes. :/ Well on the bright side, I guess it means they know you and trust you. :D

19

Re: A nutty mom

Why we have made halal so difficult for us and haraam so easy? Sad

20

Re: A nutty mom

No I wouldn't.

If a guy can't put up with a bit of moodiness from your mother, he's not worth the troubles.