A nutty mom

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: A nutty mom

^ Do you put up with the moodiness from your husband's mother?

22

Re: A nutty mom

Not that it has anything to do with this thread but for your curiosity; Yes. (I love my MIL - yes I can imagine your horror :hehe: )

Good relationships are not build on whinning about your spouses’ parents - and that goes for both gender.

23

Re: A nutty mom

If the rishta is arranged.. I would trust both my parents judgement because you don't know the guy as well either and they have more experience in these things. I don't think your mom is wrong though, you've worked hard for your career and you deserve a good guy who understands that and whose family isn't just seeing you as a bank. She has legitimate worries and since the guy is from Pak, she could be right because you don't really know until the wedding is over... and by then it's too late really. I think it's fine for you to lower your standards A BIT, because I get it in this day and age it's hard to find someone who fits the bill 100% but don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable and question your decisions too. If your parents aren't sure about this guy, I personally wouldn't pursue it unless he's someone I had known for a while and could vouch for his character.

In terms of my SO talking smack about my mom.. if it's a legitimate problem my mom has and he has concerns over it then I wouldn't mind him telling me his criticism or feelings of her behaviour. If I can dish out stuff I don't like about my MIL I should be able to take it as well about my own mom. It's only fair. I love my MIL but she has her days when she does irk me and I'm sure my mom does the same with my hubby. I think it's fine and healthy in a relationship to be able to be honest. But this guy is not your husband yet and if he doesn't know your mom and is talking bad of her.. I would have to seriously reconsider him.

24

Re: A nutty mom

I can imagine that. One of my sisters and her M-i-L are more like buddies..like Aaze says it is all about your attitude towards the relationship. ( and perhaps maturity even).

Apologies for the tangent.

25

Re: A nutty mom

Interesting, you implying that usually the DILs having issues with MILs are immature (probably) and have attitude problems (more likely) ??

26

Re: A nutty mom

Yes, of course. And vice versa, too.

27

Re: A nutty mom

Many of the problems between women and their mother-in-laws also stem from the fact that many people (both wives and mother-in-laws) don’t understand that each relationship in our lives is different and has its own unique role.

As each relationship is different, there is no need to “compete.” A wife, no matter how devoted, will never replace a mother and a mother, no matter how doting and loving, will never be able to fill the role of a wife. I have never understood why some women want to replace and/or merge these relationships. Not only is it an exercise in futility but to attempt to replace your husband’s mother seems a bit..incestuous. (No offense to anyone who wants to replace their mother-in-law :D).

And this:

Exactly! :k:

28

Re: A nutty mom

That's good to hear that some MILs treat their DILs like daughters and friends. There should be a thread on this in life1 for inspiration..like positive MIL-DIL stories. I can totally see how it's possible especially if the MIL doesn't have a daughter so the bahu becomes like the daughter she never had.

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Re: A nutty mom

^There was a positive MIL/DIL thread here once..

(I get on alright with mine :@:)

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Re: A nutty mom


That's awesome. Really, i had no idea? I know once upon a time someone once made a thread on Pakistani females making good DIL/wives or something but i think it kind of backfired. :)

31

Re: A nutty mom

hmm i ususally am pro Pakistani born candidates (as much as I am pro Western born candidates) but since this is arranged and not your parents favorite rishta, I would not bother as much.

You really need to know the guy yourself in order to 'fight' for him.

32

Re: A nutty mom

Understand that no situation will be perfect - like NONE. Doesn’t matter who you marry - there will be complaints.

Your job is not to dismiss all complaints because that’s virtually impossible.

Your job is to see if they’re worth addressing.

My parents had doubts about my husband because he’s lived alone for a long time and might be involved in shady stuff. How come he’s not involved in the community much. They said he has barely any family here…we cannot just trust him like that. He is not a doc, a lawyer or in IT…another hit.

None of these things were important to me. Him living alone for so long has made life easier for me…he doesn’t rely on me to baby him. He isn’t involved in the community because usually those people are married with families and such situations can prove to be awkward for single men. He’ll go pray Jumah religiously but that’s all. He has barely any family here but he’s still strongly connected to all of them. And he makes enough money being in business to keep us happy.

I had a struggle because my parents were adamant on having a wedding and my husband actually said no…I don’t want a wedding. I will come to your home, we will have a small Nikah and that’s all I need. He didn’t even bend out of formality…it was crazy for a while in my house because my parents thought unki beizzati hojayegi. In his mind, he wanted our wedding to burden free.

PCG…the basics should be there: education, responsiblity, good moral compass, etc. The other stuff is nothing.

As for the complaining…if you’re allowing it to happen…it will happen. Set firm rules…mutual respect for families is important…don’t say anything about mine you don’t want to hear yourself later. Bass. Qissa khatam.