*I just read this in the comments in the article I posted earlier regarding ISNA events. (see my thread ISNA Club)
When I read this, I said OMG, I think this echoes what every guy feels and what every girl feels. So instead of fighting with each other and turning this into the battle of the sexes, why not try to understand the other sex and their expectations and what it means to be a good muslim person, and maybe we might find that looking for the opposite sex is easier.
BTW, I stopped with the cold queen approach about a year ago, and in that year, I met a few nice guys who actually I rejected as oppose to the other way around. And with a more warm, friendly, let’s just get to know each other and leave the checklists and negotiations on the side approach, I am meeting way more people.
Nevertheless, both sides have their points, I think we just need people to be more flexible.
BTW, the guy who posted this, is actually on one of these websites, and I expressed interest in him, and he hasn’t even gotten back to me. I guess he’s jaded by working women. *
Boy’s Story:
I attended the ISNA matrimonial event yesterday (my first time) and herewith is my experience as follows:
- There were a lot of singletons there from different backgrounds (Pakistani, Indian, Arab etc).
- Many of the women were absolutely stunning.
Organisation - well I give ISNA marks for effort but it could have been a little more organised well in advance. I don’t think its the ideal way to meet someone or get anywhere in 3 minutes of 1 hour of social time.
Parents - I felt so sorry for the parents that were there and their anxiety/worry was so visible on their faces that some of them were ageing on the spot from it because of how badly they wanted to see their daughters married.
The women themselves - if people think I sound biased then tough luck but what I’m going to say is the truth; despite chatting to guys the women were totally stuck up an unapproachable and you could see the resentment on their faces when a guy approached them.
The women’s expectations were from Jupiter and I was questioning the whole time if they wanted an actual “husband” or leader in a relationship because it seemed more so that they wanted pooches on a leash or a legal form of a boyfriend. If women want to start that whole sexism and equality rubbish argument with me on men and leadership then here’s my answer: why did Allah choose a man to be a Prophet and men before that Prophet?
I was trying to be very perceptive of the girls around me and I did not hear one girl mention that she wanted a practicing Muslim or was a practicing Muslim herself. It was as though religion didn’t matter. What I heard was that “religion should not be forced” (which is fair yes) but let’s face it WE ARE MUSLIMS and practice is part of our identity unless we’re Muslims by convenience. It was hypocritical hearing the women say they like having fun in a halal Islamic way when they say they don’t pray or practice. The two go hand in hand in their own right!
When I asked the women what kind of husband they wanted the answer I got was “I want an awesome guy” (what the hell is an awesome guy? I mean every individual is awesome in their own way!) or “I want someone to have fun with” (also fair but isn’t that a given in marriage and the main priority to build a relationship and a family/home?) or from the doctor women (full credit to them for their achievements I heard “I want a doctor guy because we’d have something in common” (yeah sure you’d talk about medicine all day or rotations) or “our hours would be the same” (you’d never see each other!) or from a lawyer I met whom I asked what she liked to do for fun she said “I don’t have time for fun because I’m busy with my career” (if you wanted a career why the hell do you want to get married?) and when I asked her how does she expect to give time to a relationship /family/home if she wanted a career she said “marriage and law are mutually exclusive” (which gobsmacked me and for a moment I thought she’d sue me for asking that question!).
I also heard things like “I want a guy who is independent and doesn’t want his parents to live with him” (hello where do we put our parents? In a dustbin? Who will look after them when they age?) or “I don’t want a guy to ask his parents for money” (I’m a self-made millionaire and still ask my parents for money for simple things such as fuel or shower gel or bread because it keeps me humble!) or “I want us to have our own lives and privacy” (my parents aren’t going to come into the bedroom when we’re being intimate or in our bedrooms in general because they’d respect our space - what the hell kind of expectation is that?).
One of the icings on the cake of comment was a doctor girl who said to me “I’d rather be married to a doctor because I don’t think other guys would be able to make that kind of money like I do as a doctor” (financial security is one thing but being condescending towards other people’s earning levels is insulting).
Last but not least, when a woman has warmth in her face it is visible. When a real genuine woman wants a guy to talk to her she will give him that subtle eye contact of “please come over and talk to me” but what I saw at the event were ice queens with a cold stare on their faces and gave off an aura of being so unapproachable.
With this kind of attitude towards life/relationships and being so unapproachable, it is no wonder there were so many single women at the event. No decent guy or guy with his priorities right would even want to deal with any one of them because they are not fit for marriage or to be wives.
I personally feel sorry for the parents who have to endure seeing their daughters still sitting single because of this attitude. I credit the parents (and the women) for achieving all the high level of education/vocations. I also blame the parents for failing to realise that in the process of getting their daughters educated, they forgot to instil true marital values and priorities in them…
At this rate the number of single Muslim women will continue to multiply or marry outside our religion/culture and the next generation will pay the price for not having any identity (except a name tag as a Muslim) and will be truly lost because these women (if they do get married and become mothers) do not have the priority or vision to guide as they are too much into themselves…
Girl’s Story:
salaam. don’t take offense but you seem to be blaming the girls that you did not connect with someone. you speak of this ‘attitude’. think about where that comes from. the men in that room, and apparently yourself, are looking for beautiful, thin, educated, practicing muslims… who give you eye contact for you to speak with them. really? and what then? give you the green light to have parents speak so you can live happily ever after. be realistic and stop reading people’s minds.
you make comment about the prophet pbuh. think about the prophet’s example to men: he gave examples of all the different types of women to marry: older, more successful, warriors, younger, divorced, widowed, etc. ask yourself, would you consider anyone other than younger than you and never married…what if she had kids?? i didn’t think so. so why is that different than a doctor wanting to marry a doctor? the fact is, there is a similar mind set. there is a similar background and struggle that both can identify. it’s a known entity. what’s wrong with wanting financial security from a known entity??? if you think that’s shallow, how is that different than men wanting the superficial unrealistic qualities i described? if you know anything about becoming a doctor it takes extreme sacrifice: essentially your whole life devoted to helping others heal. learning anatomy and physiology of the entire human body is no easy task. nor is taking call, being on your feet helping sick people for 72 hours straight easy. so no, they don’t know anything other than what they do. there is no time for that. it’s not ignorance. there really is no time. that’s where the nervous aunty faces are coming from. b/c their daughter’s have sacrificed their ‘prime time’ for getting married by caring for sick children… b/c guys want someone 5+ yrs younger. if you go straight through from kindergarten, you will finish a 3 yr training when you are 29. and if you do a fellowship and most do, which add on another 3 yrs…, well you can do the math.
35 yr old men, do not want a 35 yr old woman. let alone a 37 yr old. what age do you think they are striving for…?
where does the cold stare come from? if you haven’t figured it out, it’s the unrealistic expectations that has fostered this culture of muslim men wanting it all: young, beautiful, educated, who can cook, will stay at home with the kids, go out there and work and be a leader but have no say at home by men who have egos that can barely fit in the door who think just because they show up and are outnumbered by the women 20:1, that they are all that and DESERVE to talk to whomever they choose, like it’s all their choice… the icy stare is also the bitterness of being rejected by the one fairly okay guy who shows up b/c there are 10 girls sitting next to her that are just as pretty and doctors too!
mo, you have to step up your game for you are sorely mistaken. they are not cold hearted girls. they are warm and caring, faithful, funny, hard working, who take care of their health, religious, wicked smart, empathic, beautiful on the inside and out…and perhaps wounded, shy, angry from the parental pressure of being a nothing b/c they are not married, maybe a history of trauma…who knows? unfortunately this muslim culture that has been created will not allow you to see that. and you and your buddies will continue to read their faces and mind, call us names, and come up with your own conclusions to perpetuate marrying younger and younger before they get to medical school. these girls need support and a cheer leader, someone who believes all they do is amazing and that they are something b/c of who they are, not their marital status, their age, their goal and dreams. you and your buddies need to practice elevating women…to help prepare them, if they choose to be, mothers, where at their feet will lie heaven. that’s not being a poodle on a leash, that’s being a man. appreciating women. being humbled by things they do that are better than you.
yes, they all want to marry muslims. why would they be at a MUSLIM matrimonial event. they don’t need to say that, it’s understood. these girl wait every year, year after year to attend the one event where they might meet MUSLIM men. it’s up to you to convince your friends to all show up and be open minded, empathic and really listen to what the prophet pbuh set as an example to you.
inshAllah you find your partner that was created for you and have a happy marriage. ameen.
**
