A deviation from the ‘I am sad and hurt’ thread. Apparently, majority of the wives in the world go crazy when their husbands don’t give them enough time. If you raise the concern, it is considered as nagging or complaining.
Which is a better way to approach a situation like this? I mean not being annoying or being a pain for the husband with a “gimme time, gimme time” stance but a decent way to tackle the situation. Understanding men’s psyche, work holds an utmost importance for them. They consider it their value, their self esteem, way of fulfilling responsibility. If something is wrong with work, they are in a mess emotionally mostly.
So what should be done:
If there is a mess up at work, do not utter a word and do not bring up your Pandora of issues?
Re: A deviation from the "I am sad and hurt" thread...
Good thread! I'm hoping for some serious responses on this one. I'll be the first to admit, I get VERY annoyed when I feel like enough time isn't being given to the relationship. I often don't realize that he may have his studies and family responsibilities to take care of. This doesn't mean he can be neglectful to the relationship when he does have time (which he isn't) but having a good conversation from the beginning is always helpful. In the issue you brought up in this thread, obviously a wife cannot keep it to herself if it carries into the relationship but she cannot expect him to entertain her 24/7. So yes, understand he has to work and let him but expect him to give you time when he can afford to and raise your concern if this work of his is causing you as a couple to literally feel like roommates as opposed to a married couple.
Re: A deviation from the "I am sad and hurt" thread...
Agree with you M! I am looking for serious responses as well.
For me, we have a long distance relationship so our times don't coordinate well. During the entire day its just 7 hours that match and at those times he is at his work place. I try to be understanding throughout but if a gap gets too much or too long I get agitated too. Initially, I didn't communicate it to him and I realized that's not a good idea so now I sometimes let him know gently that huge gaps disturb me. He is always caring about it and tries to balance things accordingly. After a few days, the cycle repeats which I don't like. So I want a permanent solution to this.
Re: A deviation from the "I am sad and hurt" thread...
Actually, it's not only up to the women. Yes, work is hectic, so what? Does that mean you can't talk respectfully to your wife?
I mean, why can't, "Can you ever shut up for 2 minutes?" be like, "Honey, can we talk later. I need some time to myself"?
I think it shows the inner character of men when their level of patience is tested. If he's patient overall, then InshaAllah, he won't flip out. Look to marry someone who is patient overall (though, it might be hard to know unless you've lived with him).
Re: A deviation from the "I am sad and hurt" thread...
KHS - I am married to some one who is patient, Alh and does not talk disrespectfully either. He puts in the effort to maintain the communication level there should be, but uncalled work demands some times get too dragged. The thread is for such scenarios when work gets excessive for him and gap gets excessive for me. How much of an understanding and for how long can a wife really give that?
Re: A deviation from the "I am sad and hurt" thread...
She should go talk to him. If he wants some space, then he'll ask (politely). InshaAllah, I assume most men would cool off after few hours at max, at least, to the level they can interact properly with their wives and others.
Maybe, she can make something (food, I mean) to help him settle down a bit. That's just an example, every person has their own little things they like.
Re: A deviation from the "I am sad and hurt" thread...
If your man is working his ass 10-12 hours a day bringing home the bacon, you should have enough maghaz not to get on his nerves every night when he gets back home. For the majority, work has become quite stressful post recession, and you have to work hard to justify your existence in the organization. Having worked all day, you want to go home and relax, ideally to a loving lady who would take care of you and make the whole grind worthwhile. If you are coming home to a nagging woman who gets on your nerves everyday, complaining that you aren't giving her enough time and she is sick and tired of her dull life i.e. her life with you, you are bound to get annoyed.
The only advice here would be, if you can't make his life any better, try not to make it any more miserable.
Re: A deviation from the "I am sad and hurt" thread...
I think it depends on the man. As my boss told me once, no matter what you do in life or how hard you work, ALWAYS put your family first.
Even if this is not the case and a man does put his work before, it is extremely bad if you do not put a fair amount of time and effort to your family. It is up to the man to ensure that his spouse/girlfriend/partner is still feeling loved and appreciated and not taken for granted; I'm sure no man would want to feel this way either.
As far as how to deal with messes at work, every man is different. Some can't wait to get home to their wives so they can vent about it and relax. Others it is better to be just left alone. I think a woman will learn about his man which type he is and how to deal with work related stress.
Some men take their work frustrations out at home, which I think is unfair. Leave your work problems at work, just like you wouldn't share your problems at home with your work mates.
Bottom line: in my opinion, a man should be able to spend enough time with his wife that she does not feel at all neglected or taken for granted.
Women, know your man and what he's like when he's stressed. Sometimes if you just stay out of his way and not bother him about anything, you'll yourself catch him smiling at you even after a seemingly stressful day.
Re: A deviation from the "I am sad and hurt" thread...
I think wives should learn to complain less abt whatever bad happens. I myself is working hard to complain less abt giving time to the relationship and hide some of the things which I dont like.
I have been too demanding throughout the moments when it comes to giving time and my hubby knows it but now as I am trying to complain less if he is busy, he realizes it and then tries to give me enough time which I expect.
But again it is the scenerio where rukhsati have not been done. I dont know what would happen once we start living together :p
Re: A deviation from the "I am sad and hurt" thread...
First both men and women in marriage should care for each other sentiments.
If a woman is bound in a house for long hours and has only few hours to be with her husband, then she CAN get frustrated. Husband should acknowledge it and do something about it.
On the other hand if husband has a long day at work, he does need some time off for relaxation. She should provide that.
Good understanding of each other's needs is the key in marriage.
If both are making efforts to please other person, life is easier for both.
If both try to show it's him or her needs that are important, then both are miserable.
Re: A deviation from the "I am sad and hurt" thread...
So what should a couple do when they both meet after a long day of work? Don't talk to each other and share concernes?? Don't share what happened during the day and laugh together on silly things?
Is it better to just eat dinner and check work related emails watch tv and go to bed?
Since when do talking to you spouse become nagging?
Re: A deviation from the “I am sad and hurt” thread…
Thank God! at-least there are some sensible women/girls out here in this silly world. As i am a young boy (chokra hehehe) and professional too so yeah a big thumbs up for the points you mentioned, 100% agreed
Yeah we hate so much when you (newly married girls or fiancee) keep insisting to share something or become chipko. Just give us some time and we would get back to you:flower2:
It would not make a difference but worsen the situation to say why don’t you give us time or you are trying to neglect us etc etc. Believe me, in most of the cases, nothing is like that.
There are a lot of things to say, in-short: bibi na dimagh khaya karo itna
Re: A deviation from the “I am sad and hurt” thread…
Be sure that when we leave our offices, we left all our thoughts related to our office work at our office and reached at home with empty mind, and ready to take another duty of being ‘spouse’.
Re: A deviation from the "I am sad and hurt" thread...
Each relationship is different. I think every woman needs to understand the specifics of her man's job and his personality (ie. how he copes with stress). Wives also needs to keep themselves busy so they're not dependant on the husband only to keep themselves entertained. Generally, most women who complain about husband's not spending enough time with either don't have a job, aren't involved in any volunteer work, and generally don't have an active social life on their own....hence their boredom (disclaimer: I realize this is not every woman that complains...but in my personal experience, this "group" seems to represent the majority). Women who have jobs and work 40+ hours a week....women who're involved in multiple organizations for volunteer work or has a fairly good amount of their own friends to hang out with.....I usually don't here these women complain b/c simply put, they themselves don't have that much extra time/energy for their husbands.
In the other thread that inspired this....I think the OP in that thread only cares about herself and isn't willing to give the husband any credit for anything he does. In her view....its all about HER. She's been living there for a year....yet doesn't seem like she has put much effort into making new friends. She hasn't put any efforts into developing new hobbies or interests. Regarding her grocery shopping....I would think its common sense to pick ONE day of the week....ideally a day when her husband does not work...and schedule that day as "errand day". Work WITH the husband to come up with a weekly schedule that works for BOTH of them. Schedule 1 or 2 nights a week as "date nights" where it's AGREED by both parties that they will go out those nights....instead of asking him to go out when he gets home from work etc. I understand her frustrations in her situation due to KSA laws.....but there are ways to work with those restrictions if she works WITH her husband...instead of against him. The fact that she doesn't have basics such as grocery shopping issue figured out after 1 YEAR of living there is mind blowing to me.
As for work stress....ask him how his work was. If he talks about it...then just listen! It's so hard for people in general to just shut up and listen to someone else. You don't always have to try to solve his problem....but sometimes just being quiet and allowing the other person to vent is the biggest help. After a few months of living with someone....it should be apparant by their facial expression/behavior whether or not they're upset. Again, if the husband comes home from work and SEEMS upset...but isn't talking about it....then just leave him be! Give him some time and space to cool down and relax.
Women need to realize that not everyone handles stress the same way. Anytime these complaints comes up....it's all about "I" and "me". In a marraige....she always needs to think in terms of "we" and realize that overwhelming majority of the time...the husabnd isn't deliverately trying to hurt her. He has great responsibilities and he is handling the stress that come with that the best way he can.
