hi..
i am writing on behalf of my friend who is in desperate need of help. She was a college student in Pakistan and was in a relationship with a class fellow. Before things could work in their favor, she got a rishta from USA and she got married off to the guy in USA. The marriage lasted for a few months because the guy liked someone else and he only married her because of his parents.
Its been two years since her divorce and now she has found a nice desi guy from USA, and things have gone well. They’re expected to be married in four months. The families are happy with each other and the guy seems to be in love with the girl.
The problem is the guy from Pakistan is back in picture. Even though he’s engaged to a cousin in Pakistan (who lives in the same city), he still tells my friend that he’s in love with her. He tells her that he cannot marry his cousin (can’t say no to her either.. since its family) and that he still hasn’t forgotten my friend. He says that he would like to get married to her, and come to USA without telling his parents. He would let his parents know about the marriage when things are favorable in future. But he’s in no situation to break off his mangni with his cousin or convince his parents for my friend.
My friend has already said yes to the rishta in USA, and finds the guy compatible. But ever since the Pakistani guy is back in picture she’s been really confused. She still finds herself attracted to the guy and doesn’t have the guts to tell him that she’s getting married soon.
One of her concerns is that she does not feel attracted to her current fiance as she is to the guy in Pakistan. And she feels that she might not be a good match for her fiance since she’s already having second thoughts about the marriage when its only four months till the big day.
Can anyone knock some sense in her? She’ll be reading the replies.
Thank you.
As it stands please do not make the biggest mistake of your life by marrying the USA desi guy, this way not only will you be cheating your self you will also be cheating this guy who is in love with you.
I see two options that seem just for all the parties involved..
one that you meet the USA guy and explain the situation to him.. tell him the entire truth.. and if then.. he agrees to marry you then he is really in love with you and since you came clean to him you too will feel at ease with the situation.. Attraction is a relative term you may simply be choosing the Pakistani guy because you just know him better..
the other option is tell the USA guy the truth and back out of the rista.. (don;t go run off and manyy the pakistani guy) if he truely loves you then he himself will find a way to convince his parents about you.. if thats not the case then.. inshallah there will be someone better then both of them for you.. because.. not telling the USA guy is ziadti with him and yourself..
You cannot live all your life playing games. If the guy from Pakistan does not have guts to tell his parents to marry him with the girls he loves , you cannot expect him to be brave enough to save you from all the evils of the world.
What makes you think that he will be brave enough after he weds you to stand against his parents. I know of this guy who married girl of his dreams and got American citizenship through her. Then he went to Pakistan and he married his cousin on the insistence of his parents who are now pressing him to bring this girl to USA and now this guy is telling this girl of his dreams to divorce him so that he can bring his cousin to USA and live happily ever after with both these girls . He knows that polygamy is against the law in USA therefore he cannot bring his cousin/wife to USA unless he divorces his US citizen wife. The twist is that if this girl of his dreams tells USA authorities that this guy married another woman in Pakistan when he was married in USA , they will cancel his citizenship and he will not be able to bring his cousin/wife therefore he wants his wife in USA to play this game to divorce him but still live with him and not report anything to US immigration.
I foresee this same game being played by this guy in Pakistan. How can you marry a guy who is a chicken/bakri in front of his parents , how can you make sure that he fulfills his promises to you , how can you make sure that this guy will become brave once he marries you and will not give in to his parents pressure to marry his cousin . You cannot trust a guy who can play games with his parents and his cousin. Can you ?
a guy that doesn't have the guts now won't have guts later. if he can't stand up to his parents and break the rishta, do you really think he's going to be able to back out of a MARRIAGE later on with possible kids?
Your friend should listen to 'The Other Man' by Sloan, good song.
Back to topic: Your friend has commited to someone already and unless there was a major character flaw she should stick with him and it's shallow IMO to walk away because the local guy is not 'attractive' enough for her anymore.
He tells her that he cannot marry his cousin (can't say no to her either.. since its family)
So your friend is ok with him having a "legitimate" wife back in Pakistan...and she herself will be the "secret" wife?!!! It's one thing that your friend is considering destroying her own life....has she once thought about the other girl?!!! She's actually willing to consider destroying another girl's life by marrying this guy and then hoping that he leaves his "cousin/wife" and kids he may have with her? ......OR.....is your friend ok with being in a polygamous marriage?
Tell your friend to stop living in a fantasy world and also work on getting some self-esteem and self-respect! Personally I've heard of too many situations similar to this. What will your friend do when this guy gets his citizenship, leaves her, and returns to his other wife?!
1) Your friend needs to stop all communication with this guy. He has a fiance! Does she realize she's the "other woman" in that relationship? Does she realize that she herself is cheating on her own fiance by having inappropriate contact with this man?
2) If she's not sure about the U.S. rishta...then she should back out of it.
A man that does not have the maturity to at least tell his parents who he loves and would like to marry is not one I would bother to waste time on. I get so annoyed with girls who do not understand this little concept of "he's just not that into you". If he was really in love with her, he would never continue his engagement. As it is, he does not. Its simply intrigue that is pulling these two together...a past that could have possibly developed into a future but didnt. It didnt for a reason...there's nothing there.
ALL the signs are there...this is not brain surgery.
If she can forget this guy, tell her to forget him.
If she cannot, tell her to break things off with her fiance immediately. She will ruin a third person's life who has done nothing to deserve this.
He tells her that he cannot marry his cousin (can't say no to her either.. since its family) and that he still hasn't forgotten my friend. He says that he would like to get married to her, and come to USA without telling his parents. He would let his parents know about the marriage when things are favorable in future. But he's in no situation to break off his mangni with his cousin or convince his parents for my friend.
You need courage to get married and to handle all the responsibilities that come with a marriage. This guy doesn't have that. He seems like a coward to me. He's being unfaithful to his fiance and is not only leading her on...but her family as well. He does not have the balls to be honest with his fiance and break things off. For him to say that he'd like to marry you in secret without telling his family....indicates that he doesn't have the courage to face them either. Such clandestine actions would not only hurt his family, his fiance and her family, they can also hurt your friend's reputation and that of her family. He seems to be thinking only of himself and the cowardice is reflective of immaturity/weakness...and that said I don't he's ready to get married to ANY girl.
If your friend wanted so badly to marry this guy....then she should have been more proactive in making that happen rather than resigning herself so quickly to a rishta from the US. If she gave in so quicly....perhaps that means that she didn't "love" him as much as she thought she did.
If the exboyfriend was that crazy about her.....he too should have made more of an effort to get married to her. And if he knew from before hand that his parents wanted him to marry his cousin (and often times parents drop hints about such things)...and if he knew he couldn't reject his cousin....then he shouldn't have started an affair with your friend.
If physical attraction was an important quality for her....then she should have gone for a rishta that better met her needs. What I don't understand is that if she doesn't like her fiance's looks.......then why did she remain engaged to him this whole time? It seems like his "looks" didn't bother her so much...UNTIL....her exboyfriend entered her life again. Also, it's not fair to her fiance that she's talking to her ex behind his back.
**So basically the exboyfriend has the "hot looks" but not much substance to his character (he's a coward, he seems selfish, immature, seems to treat marriage like a Bollywood movie, etc)..........but your friend's current fiance has average looks (that didn't bother her until the EX came back) and who *might (it hasn't been mentioned by the poster) have a better personalty/stronger character than the ex. She needs to figure out what she wants.
Your friend shouldn't get married to her ex.....she needs to move on from him. If she feels that she can't be a good wife to her fiance....she should end the rishta. But even so....I still wouldn't get back with the ex. Also, your friend's indecisivenss makes one wonder if she herself is ready for marriage and if she's getting married for the right reasons.
Ask your friend to go for the current fiance. The guy from Pakistan was not brave enough to make things work the first time (when the girl and the guy were both in college) and still showing his cowardness by not telling his parents and breaking engagement with his cousin. He is lucky to have a second chance but he doesn't seem to be bothered by this. Marrying her without the parents consent, breaking off his engagement and then coming to the US seems part of his plan to move to US and make his future secure since many guys like to move abroad through marriages. What if the guy marries his fiance (under his parents pressure) after marrying your friend? Why would your friend waste her life and time on such a loser? The desi guy from the US has accepted her with her past and seems to be genuinely in love with her. Besides, he doesn't seem to have the greed to come to US with her support and thus is genuinely looking to spend the rest of his life with her.
Go with the USA guy - both parties are happy. You're just getting caught up with the guy from Pakistan. Give yourself a chance to be happy, you don't want any more drama in your life. You may not be attracted to the USA guy now but who knows after you marry him.
Maybe do istakhara?? But generally, I think I have to agree with other guppies, the Pakistani man seems like a coward, if he had guts, he would tell his parents he wants to marry your friend, and not his cousin. It seems to be messy, and if she wants to go through such complexity, then feel free to do so. Either way it's her call.
that's why time bound marriages are the best. contracts signed for a couple of years, and renewed only if both parties agree. sab ko check ker sakein turn by turn.
first let me calculate how many lifes that one college love affair has the potential to detroy, not to mention the pain and agony of parents and siblings
on one hand , shes already divorced. Marriage prospects in pakistan have lessened considerably. its a fact of desi culture.
on the other, she has a good rishta with a guy who supposedly loves her and they are due to marry in four months time. That much is concrete.
in comparison, shes confused cos of an ex who let her get away once, for whatever reason, and is coming back not with a formal rishta but with news that sure we can get married and move against parents consent. even if that marriage works, parents will always hate her for it and there will be issues down the line. marriage is tough enough without inviting issues yourself. parents' support from both sides counts a lot in resolving normal marital issues which ALL marriages have, arranged or love. she will be foregoing that if she marries this college love affair . Again IF the love affair guy comes through, which he wont