Re: A complicated matter
You are not objective when it comes to A. He can do no wrong in your eyes. Poor guy - he charms even when he does not intend to. Taali do haath se bajthi hai, as they say.
You need to evaluate the reasons for your lack of objecvtivity w.r.t A.
At the risk of repitition, dont go near this potential landmine. You are not H's marriage counselor and A's consultant for what seems to be bordering on extra-marital relationship.
Re: A complicated matter
@Southie I guess I cant be totally objective towards A you are very right. We've been friends for over ten years and Ive seen him go through that horrible breakup back in the day. You do tend to be the slightest bit inclined towards favoring your friends even if you try not to, so yes I am forced to agree with you there. But I really do not think I am being very biased in how Im relating the tale.
This is a dangerous situation for all involved. Im more concerned for A's sake really being his friend. But the entire thing disturbs me and I cannot really figure out the villian in this case.
Re: A complicated matter
GDISA also repeated it............ tell Mr.A to walk away completely........... sometimes you can't help others out........this is one of those times.....
Re: A complicated matter
More over, what with the one hour long casual meeting in off hours??? would any of the girls here like there hubby to be with some girl all alone for a hour on daily basis… this tharki Mr. A is the very reason the girls marriage is in this condition…
Re: A complicated matter
GIDSA nailed it! A wants to be the hero who rescues the damsel in distress, all the while forgetting that his actions in rescuing her make him complicit in her problems.
A needs to back away right now. If he is that concerned about H's well being, he can intercede on behalf of H and her parents so that she has her family as a support system, but no other socializing, meeting, seeing one another is appropriate.
Once married both the husband and wife need to be sensitive to their spouse's feelings. Friendships with people of the opposite gender are a tricky area and each person needs to change themselves out of consideration to their spouse's feelings.
Mind you, I'm not condoning or rationalizing H's husband's abuse - H needs help to address that issue ASAP!
Re: A complicated matter
I have couple of friends from Pindi , teaching in different universities , in the same situation i.e. highly qualified , young , single etc . But one thing they are not , dumb enough to cross the line between a teacher and a friend .
I have seen girls getting all friendly , and very casual with male teachers and very strange that they let them be . Your friend HAVE to start acting very professional otherwise there will be enough 'purriyaan' to make him lalo even in the future . He better tell her that ''bebe go fix your own issues'' . Plus your friend won't be wise to start a new relationship with someone , who is already going through a messed up marriage .
You might want to talk to your friend's mom, that aunty je kuj ker lo munday da :D
Re: A complicated matter
HAHAHAHA! ^ BEST ADVICE SO FAR!
Re: A complicated matter
I love the way you write dem..
sounds like a bollywood story....now we just need to get the villain (H's husband--who by the by IS a jerk) maybe A should get engaged, and eventually A and H end up together.
on a serious note, Gidsa nailed it.
Re: A complicated matter
More over, what with the one hour long casual meeting in off hours??? would any of the girls here like there hubby to be with some girl all alone for a hour on daily basis... this tharki Mr. A is the very reason the girls marriage is in this condition...
This too. She may not have had a physical affair but it definitely sounds like she had an emotional affair, and while hitting/physical violence is NEVER EVER EVER EVER okay, I can understand why H's husband started to get suspicious and become insecure. Put in that situation, I'm sure any wife would feel the same.
Re: A complicated matter
@Sara516 thanks for the compliment :) well as i was explaining to another member, the meetings were basically cos she missed like 3 months of uni due to the marriage and post marriage business, and she had her final year project to catch up on. A wasnt the prime suspect as such. The husband had been developing thoughts regarding her and some colleague of hers. Only after he saw her talking with A at the wedding, he began the talk abt A instead.
Re: A complicated matter
This story reminds me of a thread opened a couple of years back about teachers in Pakistan being so great because they have that personal touch. :)
The age of the student is irrelevent, the relationship is important and your mate A over stepped the line. No matter how distressed or in need a student is, one should never compromise their professionalism. Especially a teacher...a role model, a 'respected' member of the community, once a black mark has been painted, it's very difficult to remove. A should be thinking about his career and the negative impact this whole situation could have on it. H is 25 years old, she's not a naive teenager or a vulnerable child. She is an adult who has the capacity to deal with her marriage situation, whether she chooses to use that is up to her, not to A.
Re: A complicated matter
I agree with you. They are both letting this happen and A wants to make himself seem like the hero and looking for excuses to make it seem like she "needs" him. For both their sakes they need to cut off their relationship completely. If he is really concerned about abuse, he should speak to a family member or friend of hers, but HE should not be doing anything else about it. Otherwise he will be destroying the marriage and his own life.
Re: A complicated matter
Dem: You know where I might have heard a similar situation before, right? :) Some lines should NEVER be crossed and they spell disaster.
Whatever H is going through it may well down to be her husband's insecurities.. A may not have any part in raising suspcious in the husband's mind. But H needs to sort things out on her own. If he wants to be treated as an emotional relieif, he should do it with an actual partner which I am sure he can find considering his profile.
Granted that he cares a lot for H, but I read somewhere: 'best thing one can for others is to pray for them'. Right now, it would be best to do this.
Do not get involved yourself and ask A to go in hibernation and let H sort her life out! Things will get complicated even more.
p.s. you know your long posts do NOT bore at all. Rarity at GS.
Re: A complicated matter
@Seb "p.s. you know your long posts do NOT bore at all. Rarity at GS."
you are too cool. Im ignoring all calls from A. So far I have had three missed calls. My phone is on perpetual divert till something which makes sense ALSO fits practically this situation.
The situation stands thus:
A = very old friend of mine, ten years almost. Want to see him out of this situation but no idea how to do that
H = do not know her do not care. Am NOT happy about the situation. Do NOT want to get involved.
How many of you have noticed however that men in love or with white knight complexes have serious issues when told to get their feet back on the ground and desert the damsel in distress? given that, I need to tread very carefully and not make A feel as though I am being insensitive to his situation, especially given that I cannot say "you are crossing a line, you are in love with her" since he is not recognising it!
Re: A complicated matter
"I need to tread very carefully and not make A feel as though I am being insensitive to his situation, especially given that I* cannot say "you are crossing a line, you are in love with her" since he is not recognising it!"
I would change the last part to - As a friend, you need to say "you are crossing a line, you are in love with her" *especially because he is not recognizing it.
Re: A complicated matter
H needs to get a divorce from her abusive husband and should marry A.
Re: A complicated matter
I really dont get all the advice being given here...everyone is telling A to back off but how does that help H?
it seems nobody cares what happens to her...I for one think there are some serious issues that need to be resolved between H and her hubby....
or they need to part ways ....if A backs off too it might make H more hopeless...and desperate since he is the only one she talks to...
someone who has no hopes may go to extreme lengths ...im afraid of what she might do if even A isnt there for her
Re: A complicated matter
When 'A' is done being the 'superman', ask him to mind his own f'n business. It bothers me SO MUCH when ppl end up doing so much damage in the name of goodness. While H's husband sounds like an a-hole right now, I have to admit, that from experience, the moment u let a THIRD PERSON into ur relationship, your relationship is DAMAGED.
Re: A complicated matter
"H' definitely needs to be helped BUT she needs to approach and get her family and parents involved. NOT A.
Re: A complicated matter
i completely agree with you hulahoop but what can i do