I have this friend, he is teaching in a renowned institute in Islamabad. Has been there for the past five years. Is very popular amongst his students. He gave me a call last night and told me some things which really disturbed me and I really cannot decide how to help him out or advise him.
So this friend, let’s call him A, has been working closely with his students on a number of field projects and they are all quite informal with one another. They meet up outside college, at random events beyond academic purposes as well. The friend is really young, single, he is around 32, quite charismatic and a gem of a person. He gets along well with almost anyone, and I have seen him work his magic on the most shy of people. He has the ability to draw people out of themselves, make them really comfortable in their skin, and generally bring a smile to their face regardless of how their day has gone. He himself has been burned in love when he was doing his graduate programme and ever since has remained away from emotional snares of the romantic inclination.
Given all of that, when he called yesterday, he was quite distraught about the situation he now found himself in. Apparently, four months ago, a group of students and he went up to the Swat region to work with IDPs and during that time, he got particularly close to a student (let’s call her H). Moreso than he was to the rest. After all working in such rugged territory at close quarters does allow for more bonding than within the confines of a classroom. Nothing really serious though.
The problem started after they returned to Islamabad. Since he is the advisor for a number of students wrt FYP (final year projects), his mobile number is pretty much public property and his doors are always open for any sort of career counselling or other related matters. H is, quite simply, his best and most promising student. She got married in November 2010, and in the hassles of post marriage missed out on a lot of classes. Therefore he didnt think much of it when she began coming to visit him after class more and more with little questions and queries.
Over the course of the last few months, it had become norm for them to sit around for an hour or so after classes and discuss the day. He said that it was so normal that he would often have tea piping hot and waiting because he could anticipate her visits with such accuracy by then.
Then one month ago, they bumped into each other at a wedding at the golf club in Rawalpindi. They had the opportunity to chat for a while before they respectively were caught up in their own social circle. However, he did note, that she was not as lively as she generally was in class and otherwise. He just pegged that to be due to a more formal setting, rather than the casual ambience he afforded his students in general.
H was absent for a week after that incident. Then he took leave to visit his family in Lahore. The second day of his vacation, he got an sms from H asking where he was because apparently she had come to college and sought him out after classes. He smsed back that he was on vacation and that he would be back on Monday. She further asked if he was in the city and that she needed to speak with him if so. He said he wasn’t but that he would see her soon as he returns. She insisted that he sms her soon as he was back in Islamabad because the matter was of some urgency.
Monday morning: H and A meet up in his office first thing. A was not prepared for what ensued. Soon as H entered his office, she quite literally burst into tears. She had been facing a lot of problems in her marriage recently, which was surprising for him to hear because the entire college knew of her love affair with this boy who was now her husband, and she had been quite happy when the marriage went through. His family had been very opposed to the match but he had never paid them any heed. They lived apart from family so it had not initially interfered with their life.
Her husband had however begun changing somewhat over the past few months, especially after the trip to Swat. He would question her more about her day in a very suspecting manner. She just pegged it to him being possessive in the beginning. She was later to discover that it stemmed from a negative place, rather than being loving and possessive in that regard. Before going to the wedding, he had out and out accused her of having an affair with one of her colleagues when she was in Swat. Apparently his mother who had spent the time with him during then had spoken to him about girls who find their own rishtas and this and that. Then at the wedding when he had seen her talking to A, he accused her of being interested in him and had struck her when she retorted that “FINE you want to believe that then BELIEVE IT! Im not even going to bother changing your mind!”
Now she was in a dilemma where she was being forced to leave college and discontinue her degree because he was just so insecure about everything. And it was worsening daily. She didnt want to leave but she didnt know what to do.
A has ever since resigned from his position as her advisor for her benefit and has been keeping a check on her otherwise. He has noticed a dimming of her personality and once or twice even discerned possible bruising on her face but he could not be sure. The situation stands thus that now A is discreetly seeking her out to see how she is every now and then. H has called him a couple of times at random times during the night. She cannot turn to her family or her husband’s because they were against the match and so there is no support there. The advisor she does have now is just a female figurehead, only so A is not so obviously there, who doesnt really know enough about H’s project to help her out. A is simply the best there is in that regard. But in order for H to continue studying, which is still questionable and in doubt, A needed to step back and it was a decision he took himself since he saw it was possibly causing her additional issues. So their talks do continue, only now over the phone and are becoming more personal.
A is generally level headed. H is 25 and he says she is rational too. He doesnt seem to recognise that he is falling for her, or skirting the line. The way he talks about her though, I can see this. H missed four days of college recently. She called him yesterday and admitted that it was because her husband hit her again. They had been out somewhere and I dont know, some incident where he blew things out of proportion. She loves the guy, but I think her love for him is being smothered possibly? I dont know.
What I am more concerned about is A. He thinks she needs saving but from where I stand, he needs to be saved from this! I see that he is wanting to jump in and save her from this. He doesnt know what to do. H has begun treating him as the person she runs to when sh** hits the ceiling. I myself don’t know what to answer when he asked me “Please batao, what should I do? I just want to break that guy’s neck for hitting her. And I feel that’ll make things worse. But there’s noone to save her from this. She won’t take any steps for it.”
What should be done? A now wants me to befriend her and possibly talk to her about things. What to do?
…if u are that “building of trust is going to take even longer” and she needs help NOW!!!
UHUH…sure!!! rolls eyes