We all know people that have reformed their lives. Perhaps in their younger days they were the party animal and now they have settled down, married and had kids. Having broken societal “norms” and the laws of deen in the past, they have now become seemingly very religious so that those around them would think them to be pious (the same woman that was sneak-dating the guy behind her family’s back and fought with them to marry him now practices hijab and the same guy that supplied the pot to his friends now is hell-bent on sending his kids to Islamic school).
You have maintained your relationship with them over the years and seen the drastic changes in their lifestyle. You now witness them criticizing the acts of others, back-biting and condemning people for doing things that are no more scandalous than what they did themselves. You see them pointing out the flaws in other people and being holier than thou.
What, if anything, do you do?
Do you speak up and remind them of their own past?
der aayad durust aayad...a late is better than never.
if they have corrected themselves religion wise then it's something to be appreciated. Allah has given them hidaayat [guidance] and we should all be looking for His guidance.
if they do back-biting, it's a sin and they should refrain from it. we should pray for them aur for ourselves.
we must not bring their ghosts in front of them or anyone. people who have changed their life style and in their faith for better must always be looked up to and definitely not looked down upon.
may Allah give us all taufeeq and hidaaya to come to the right path...aameen
What an interesting thread.. :k:. To become pious, it requires so much effort from any individual to change direction from partying to islamic ways. However, these things happen behind people’s back and new atmosphere they are put into after marriage forced them to change their ways. I do think that they lived their life to the fullest in the past and understand the temporary pleasure so they are now focused on the permanent world… Not everyone changes though. I feel it is acceptable for them to admit that sinful life should not be carried out based on their own experience.
I had a best friend, very nice and our families were very close. But over the years had gone ultra-religious, whereas I am not. I don't usually care about that as my own family has gone religious over the years and I will still have something in common with someone who I like. I don't criticise anyone else's way of life, if they're religious then good for them. If not good for them too but this was too much for me, his values had gone so far away that I did not have a single thing common with him or anything left to talk to him. It would be the same for me if a normal friend of mine turned into an obsessive womaniser.
I don't have anything to say to someone who doesn't believe in educating woman or wants to keep them in the house and they use religion to justify it, who think living in Western nations is haram yet would jump at the chance if they got a Visa. So I let the friendship wither away. I have had friends with dodgy views about some issues, but for me there are certain limits beyond which I stop entertaining a friendship.
I can't remain friends with someone who suddenly changes his views. Like Shak said there are certain limits beyond that I just avoid them and over the time they are no longer in my life or concern.
Isn't it easier to be good and never be bad and harder to return from bad habits towards good? Like smoking. Easier for a non smoker who never got addicted, but so much harder and thereby commendable (?) for someone who quit after years?
As for gheebat, whether people are good or bad, party animals or not, it happens. However there is a concept of parda. Perhaps the party animals are more aware of how wrong the wrong is as they did it and feel remorse?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I struggle with this because I agree that if someone has chosen reform then their past deeds should be forgotten and we should appreciate their desire and will to get on the straight and narrow. After all, when the Almighty can forgive then who are we to hold a grudge.
Having said that....when I see these same people stirring poison in another person's life....or creating mistrust where they should not meddle.....or commenting on another's life when they were themselves the same way then every fibre in my body wants to cry out and ask them if they have forgotten what was only a few short years ago.
So far I have not said a word....and I hope that I can continue my silence as I would rather spend that very same energy reforming myself and asking Allah to keep me from the sins that I see being committed there. I just wish that there was some way to remove those blinders from their eyes.
Isn't it easier to be good and never be bad and harder to return from bad habits towards good? Like smoking. Easier for a non smoker who never got addicted, but so much harder and thereby commendable (?) for someone who quit after years?
As for gheebat, whether people are good or bad, party animals or not, it happens. However there is a concept of parda. Perhaps the party animals are more aware of how wrong the wrong is as they did it and feel remorse?
I get it.
But how can you say that it is harder for the person that quite after years then for a person to simply refrain.
Isn't ability very subjective? Perhaps the one that refrained had weak will power to begin with and had the toughest time keeping him/herself from the dirty habit? Perhaps they gave up friends that smoked to keep themselves from it.
I don't know....just thinking out loud I guess.....
^ thanks.
there are some similarities between the two and some good advice in the other thread.
In the past I was more inclined to call people out....now I find more peace in just letting them go about their crooked ways and simply pray that Allah would protect me from them.
It is sad that we have close ties with these folks and I have to watch the drama.
It really depends on how it is shared. Religiousity can be a charged topic, so let's change it to soccer. If you were once a bad player, and over seasons have become more disciplined, you have trained more, practiced more, and now you feel you are a better player:athelete and are telling others that they too can improve, what is wrong with that. You don't have to disclose you were a bad player once, or you can, but tell them what works.
Now if you are just sitting on the side critiquing them in a negative manner, and saying that to others just to put them down. Then that's wrong
It really depends on how it is shared. Religiousity can be a charged topic, so let's change it to soccer. If you were once a bad player, and over seasons have become more disciplined, you have trained more, practiced more, and now you feel you are a better player:athelete and are telling others that they too can improve, what is wrong with that. You don't have to disclose you were a bad player once, or you can, but tell them what works.
Now if you are just sitting on the side critiquing them in a negative manner, and saying that to others just to put them down. Then that's wrong
Agreed.
Now what if you are the player sitting on the side with this player that is critiquing in a negative manner.....do you say something? You're supposed to be on the same team....so the attitude of this player will affect the rest of the team.
I think let them be. There's nothing much you can say unless someone tries to meddle in your own business. My husband and I have had indirect remarks made to us by the same people he grew up with and knows very well who they have dated and where they have gone and we just have to keep a safe and friendly distance. They are still our friends but people change and it's not really our place to judge them on the people they used to be. If someone says something to you directly then of course respond with whatever because I hate when people behave that way too but I think it's best to let people be. As long as they don't interfere in your life.
This is a tough call. I don't know if comparing this situation to sports makes sense because in sports, judgment is very black and white. Everyone knows what the rules are and your performance is out in the open for everyone to judge you on. In life, the only true judge is Allah and while religion has its own set of rules to be followed, people have different interpretations of these rules. Like the saying goes "aamaal ka daaro-madaar niyaton pe hai" we can never fully judge someone because we don't know what their true intentions are. So I tend to stay away from people who are overly judgmental (regardless of their own religious standing). I have a policy of letting their behaviour slide once or twice but I definitely have my breaking point after which I will gently remind them to concern themselves with their own lives and not look down upon others.
But it depends I guess. If their concern is to enlighten and improve someone who has strayed from the straight path, that's fine to an extent. But if they are just criticizing for the sake of it, that's not right.
slander in Islam is considered worse than adultery, and Gheebat is considered worse than eating your dead brothers flesh, I am afraid they deformed not reformed.
i have a problem with the older aunties who cover their head with a duppatta now that they are in their fifties and frown upon young girls who don't. When these very aunties used to wear such tight kameez's and short sleeves in the 70's themselves when they were young.
We all know people that have reformed their lives. Perhaps in their younger days they were the party animal and now they have settled down, married and had kids. Having broken societal "norms" and the laws of deen in the past, they have now become seemingly very religious so that those around them would think them to be pious (the same woman that was sneak-dating the guy behind her family's back and fought with them to marry him now practices hijab and the same guy that supplied the pot to his friends now is hell-bent on sending his kids to Islamic school).
You have maintained your relationship with them over the years and seen the drastic changes in their lifestyle. You now witness them criticizing the acts of others, back-biting and condemning people for doing things that are no more scandalous than what they did themselves. You see them pointing out the flaws in other people and being holier than thou.
What, if anything, do you do?
Do you speak up and remind them of their own past?
I know exactly what you're talking about. one of my aunt is like that. she used to be very 'modern' all the way up until she hit menopause. then she became super religious, started covering her hair (once they turned grey). and then she started criticizing all the younger women in our family how we should cover ourselves, how we shouldn't wear sleeveless. meanwhile, she wore sleevless short blouses with her saree all her life! i dont care how late one comes to this religious 'enlightenment', but how hypocritical of one to start judging others. i dont care when one decides to become religious, but leave others alone. if it took you 50 years to become religious, give others the same amount of time.
I also know a guy who was a party animal. then after getting married and few kids later, he became a molvi and he constantly criticizes others for not being religious. cant stand such hypocrites who feel the need to criticize others for the same things they have done themselves for so many years.