30+ girls and marriage issues...

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Ok this had been bothering me all day today and last evening. Yet another family frined’s daughter, who is 24, announced her engagement. Naturally my family and I are thrilled for her. After my mom told me the good news we started discussing other girls in our family friends’ circle and community who are single and/or divorced but available.

This one particular girl we know is 30 (almost 31), educated, cute, petite, and overall a really nice person. My mom, in conversation with me, said something to the effect that “well she’s 30, no one would go for her anyhow.” The ironic thing is, does she not realize that her own daughter (me) is also nearly 30 and in the same dilemma of finding a person to marry? The hurtful thing was that she voiced such a thought. More than halfway through the sentence she realized what she was saying and how I’d take it but completed the sentence anyway, feeling kind of awkward. It wasn’t so much her words but that this thought had even crossed her mind.

Last night I couldn’t sleep all through the night due to feeling severe depression of sorts due to this. I mean, I figure if my mom says so, it is as good as God’s word and that it must be true that girls hitting 30 or over 30 have no chance at getting married as no one would want them. I feel like such a leper. Seriously, because now I feel like no guy, upon hearing that I am 30, would want to come over and see me. It’s just depressing the way I’m seeing this whole thing right now. I feel like burrowing deep underground and hybernating all year!

:bummer:

2

Sweeti ji, you should have slapped your mom on the face. Real hard. There are lots of guys out there who are looking to meet with like minded girls. I think your issue is wanting to meet someone from your cultural and religious background. There are a lot of non-Desi decent guys. You should try to meet some.

3

Don’t hate your mom for this. She is from the baby boomer generation and is supposed to think that way. Things are changing thesedays. Girls are getting married late into mid 30’s. Even in the not so old days, girls were getting married late. It’s nothing new or bad. :flower1:

4

Sweetpie just don't think about it. Don;t let it weigh down on you. If your destined to get married you will in a matter of days if not there isn;t much anyone can do. It's common sense that at 30 the number of available good catches is much less so there is greater competition.

5

^ Mads, I have met plenty of great non-desi men (especially Italian ones since I work for an Italian co.) but alas they aren’t muslim. My requiremnt is that the person needs to be muslim and preferrably Pakistani. Nothing wrong with that. Thanks for your confidence :flower1:

Femme and Fungus, thanks for your support and positive outlook in this matter. :flower2: I know, I know, I need to take a chill pill.

6

hugZ

Dont feel bad sweetpie. Your mother was simply voicing a concern, it was probably her way of telling you that you are getting older and you need to perhaps re-evauate your standards, which perhaps she feels is the reason you arent married by now. Or maybe she meant something else, but either way, it would be best to speak to your mother again and ask her why she said that and how it relates to her thoughts about you. This way you can clarify with eachother what you each are thinking.

There are facts that you must face. There are going to be guys who will not accept you due to your age. But do you want someone who will do that/think that way? No. So why cry over it? Then there are other guys that will accept you because they see age as nothing but a number. A lot of people try to tell me that nobody is going to be interested in me that is under 30 because I am in my mid-twenties. I know this isnt true due to my own experience. Yes, there are going to be some that arent interested in me due to my age, but do I need a world of men in my life or just one?

Be realistic, and accept the choices you have made. Dont cry over other peoples choices. I am pretty sure your mom doesnt think you are not going to find anyone. Just clarify it with her. And if even if she did think that you arent going to get a good rishta due to your age, know yourself that you can, insha'Allah.

7

[QUOTE]
Originally posted by Munni: *
*hugZ

Dont feel bad sweetpie. Your mother was simply voicing a concern, it was probably her way of telling you that you are getting older and you need to perhaps re-evauate your standards, which perhaps she feels is the reason you arent married by now. Or maybe she meant something else, but either way, it would be best to speak to your mother again and ask her why she said that and how it relates to her thoughts about you. This way you can clarify with eachother what you each are thinking.

There are facts that you must face. There are going to be guys who will not accept you due to your age. But do you want someone who will do that/think that way? No. So why cry over it? Then there are other guys that will accept you because they see age as nothing but a number. A lot of people try to tell me that nobody is going to be interested in me that is under 30 because I am in my mid-twenties. I know this isnt true due to my own experience. Yes, there are going to be some that arent interested in me due to my age, but do I need a world of men in my life or just one?

Be realistic, and accept the choices you have made. Dont cry over other peoples choices. I am pretty sure your mom doesnt think you are not going to find anyone. Just clarify it with her. And if even if she did think that you arent going to get a good rishta due to your age, know yourself that you can, insha'Allah.
[/QUOTE]

I would agree with each & every word of yours....But then it's all kismat(if you believe in it)...

8

Sweetpie,

First of all, it's your life, your decision, your marriage. If you have a certain belief or perception, then stick to it, no use crying about it now. I don't think age is really an issue, unless you're only looking for guys under 30, then you have a problem. Considering you are in the US and not Pakistan, I am sure there are many like minded guys who would prefer marrying a more mature, smarter and more independent woman rather than a 21 year old ditz. Like others have said, things aren't always what they used to be. :)

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.

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I have noticed this tendency. The girl hits 30 and apparently her life is over. The idea is perpetuated by a lot of the married adults. I suppose, in desi culture it's often easy for a 50 year old man to find a nice 20 year old girl to marry, so why would he go for the 30 year old? It's sad, but in many cases it's true. There's also the question of kids and the biological clock ticking, but of course, medical science has made it such that women can have kids safely much later in life.

What we have to remember is that there is no "one path" that every human must follow to lead a successful life. There's no rule that at 24 you must be married. Just remain open to different options. Make the best of your life, be happy with what you have, take different opportunities for success and contentment.

11

Let me be the devil's advocate here, its not just about the age. There are other issues involved here. Lets say you are not married until you are 30 or older. You probably will want to spend sometime with your spouse or to enjoy the "married life" before you have kids. Say you wait three to four years before you have children. So you are what 35 at least when you have your first born.(aside from the complications that play a part in concieving for the first time after 30). Dont flame me for this comment, go ask a fertilty expert and they will tell you the same. So by the time you are 53 your kid will graduate from high school and for their college graduation you might as well get a cane to help you walk :). Most people are grandparents by the time they are 60. Will not happen for women getting married after 30.

12

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Kaleem: *
Most people are grandparents by the time they are 60. Will not happen for women getting married after 30.
[/QUOTE]

Abay oye, idher ladki ki shaadi nahee hau rahee AUR tu usko Daadi bananay ki fikr may laga hua hay.

13

:hug: You aren’t alone Sweetpie. Lots of girls go through this. You just have to have faith in Allah and like someone posted above, it will happen when it is meant to be. Even I hear silly whispers about myself and I’m only 25!

Your mother was just saying what has been ingrained into desi minds since childhood. It isn’t her fault, more like desi society as a whole, but you should talk to her about how you feel anyway.

:flower1:

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[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by funguy: *

Abay oye, idher ladki ki shaadi nahee hau rahee AUR tu usko Daadi bananay ki fikr may laga hua hay.
[/QUOTE]

Oyee, main sirf in logoon ko bata raha hoon "where her mother's comment is coming from"? Daddi or no Daddi you have to understand these things. today in this world of political correctness we tend to hide the truth to avoid making some one uncomfortable...I dont believ in PC crap. I say it like it is.

BTW a woman can still be educated, have a career and be married before 30.

15

Kaleem, not everyone’s idea of marrying is to become a grandma or grandpa. My very good friend had a baby daughter only a month ago. She is 40. My widowed fatherinlaw who is in his late 60s is planning to re-marry soon with the woman who he Phasai after my motherinlaw died. People marry to be with the ones they like to spend their lives with, and not to make grandkid or kids.

16

MAdhanee, so true :)

Shweeto Preeto, why so much emphasis on marrying a 'desi-muslim'.? :-)

17

Madhanee, I understand all that. Yes, i have heard it all before they maary to be together. Your father in law can afford the luxury to marry for "being with someone", he had kids, grankids and lived a life that included children. Your very good friend had a baby duaghter at 40, that is great. Was that her first child? I wonder how good she will be chasing after the rascall in a few years?

Kids or no Grankids....is not the issue in this ultramodern culture, however, it has been and always will be an issue in our culture.

18

I have the best husband on the planet, hands down. And we married when we were both in our 30s. People who marry later seem to have more successful marriages because they are more mature and both have settled into their likes, dislikes, careers etc. There is much to be said on the positive side for marrying later!

19

:flower1: After reading the responses posted on this thread, I honestly have been feeling much better about the whole thing so I want to say thanks to everyone who replied. To address some of your thoughts…

Munni:
I have been concentrating too much on 1) getting my MBA, 2) job, and 3) being picky about men, to give marriage any serious thought until now which is why all of a sudden I feel in almost a rush to be married, have kids, the whole nine yards. One really good point you made is that if someone is going to turn away from me for my age then I don’t want the person in my life to begin with (so true!)

Goliko:
Yeah, kismat has alot to do with it but think about this: we are at least somewhat responsible for making our own kismat which is why we need to make an effort and not leave everything to fate.

skhan:
True, it sure IS my life and decision and although I may feel like I’m currently in the dumps (mood-wise) I am in no way shape or form compromising my principles or ‘settling’ for just anyone.

Sahar:
True, and I hate stereotypes too but unfortunately these are the same ones across the board perpetuated in an already insecure society (especially desi society) but the heck with it all, I am happy with myself and am enjoying my singlehood thus far.

Kaleem:
In my plan book (in manner of speaking), I don’t intend to wait more than a year after marriage before having my first child. I don’t want to allow myself the luxury of waiting longer since I am almost 30 now anyhow. I want 2 or 3 kiddies so having kids soon after marriage seems like a good enough plan for me. I won’t be a young mom but I also don’t want to be on a cane limping around (hehehe) with a kid in elementary school!

Mehnaz:
Yes, I’m sure mom was just letting out some frustration about the subject and was speaking from what has been ingrained in her desi mind.

Minerva:
No emphasis on “desi,” just the emphasis on muslim is key to me.

Mamaof3:
That’s awesome! Glad things are going well for you. Thanks for giving me hope as well. BTW, are you Pakistani (desi)? Just curious.

20

read Kul 11,000 times and fast for three days… that should do the trick :k: