Frequent fasting kills the desire of masturbation and Zina. Also, to do Zikr frequently. Better to reduce meal to two times a day (Avoid too much protein intake). Do exercise regularly. Place his laptop in a place where other members of his family frequently visit. Protection of one's gaze in daily life. If he is too addicted to TV, he should at least remove it from his room and place it in the TV lounge so there is a social check on him. Have a busy schedule so that he doesn't get free time for evil thoughts. Serve his parents to the extent possible and give his siblings a helping hand in daily life whenever he is free. Recite Surah Nooh and Surah Tariq before going to sleep. Work and plan more with a motivation of getting married as soon as he gets stable in life.
Pray to Allah (swt) for protection from sins, and be thankful for the day that passed without such sins. Allah (swt) increases the "Taufeeq" (ability) whoever sincerely wishes to abstain from a sin and is thankful for the self control Allah (swt) blesses him with.
He says he wants to get married so he is saved from committing sin and I understand. My finace and I got our nikkah done at 19 because my Dad didn't want us to engage in talking/meeting in engagement so I'm all for the "marriage while young" but you need to have some sort of balance in your life. I have money and can support myself, while he can't.
It's not about money either because he could simply get his nikkah done and have rukhsati later on, but is it possible that few years down the line he doesn't want to be married anymore or his personality changes. I'm almost hoping that no parents will give him their daughter at this stage but I know he knows that it's possible because he wants a pious girl, no matter who or where she is from.
I'm trying hard by trying to explain things nicely but I end up getting angry over the phone and then he just stops talking.
Khalil Khaan faakhta - He isn't anti social but my family doesn't "like" the way he's become. I guess they are annoyed with his behavior of doing purdah from them and the whole no music/tv etc. I agree that he needs to loosen up a bit, without going against Islam.
Reha - good point made about being pious but not being able to fulfill his islamic duties, will def. try and explain that to him.
Muslims have been marrying at a young age for centuries and an 18 year old is considered an adult under Islamic law, so I see no problem in your brother wanting to marry. He could live with your father until he can support himself. He has made good decisions to make himself a better person, and marriage is just one more step on that path. By marrying the right person, he could make his faith even more stronger and live a happy life. He should be fully supported.
Except people nowadays are far less mature than even 30 years ago. Islam advocates early marriage but that was at a time when you were married and popping out kids in your teens because you didn't live past 50. Things have changed and I feel like people want to get married early just so they can have sex. It's tough though, people are marrying later, studying longer, all the while your body is telling you to get it on!
Just make sure your brother is not just getting married because he wants to be able to have sex. Also, maybe it's just my thinking, but I feel like being fully devoted to any one kind of thinking (Islamic or otherwise) and not being open to others leaves one very susceptible and this feels like the first step towards going all mullah and terrorist. I'm sorry if I offend anyone with that comment but people who I've personally met who are that devoted to Islam, are very jahil and mullah like.
I am 32 and not ready for marriage, your 18 year old brother is not even close!
Lol true. If I think about how much I've grown since 18 (and I'm not even that old, in my 20s) I feel like I'm a different person.
marriage at 18! ..doesnt seem like plan.
i think brother should wait a few years. atleast finish school ( grade 12) and start college or university and maybe do engagement.
He says he wants to get married so he is saved from committing sin and I understand. My finace and I got our nikkah done at 19 because my Dad didn't want us to engage in talking/meeting in engagement so I'm all for the "marriage while young" but you need to have some sort of balance in your life. I have money and can support myself, while he can't.
It's not about money either because he could simply get his nikkah done and have rukhsati later on, but is it possible that few years down the line he doesn't want to be married anymore or his personality changes. I'm almost hoping that no parents will give him their daughter at this stage but I know he knows that it's possible because he wants a pious girl, no matter who or where she is from.
I'm trying hard by trying to explain things nicely but I end up getting angry over the phone and then he just stops talking.
Khalil Khaan faakhta - He isn't anti social but my family doesn't "like" the way he's become. I guess they are annoyed with his behavior of doing purdah from them and the whole no music/tv etc. I agree that he needs to loosen up a bit, without going against Islam.
Reha - good point made about being pious but not being able to fulfill his islamic duties, will def. try and explain that to him.
He can get married now...he may find a 17 year old that is a junior in high school. Islamically, getting married young is not wrong. Taking on the responsibility of someone knowing full well you cannot fulfill it IS wrong. The rights of a wife on her husband are such that a dependent man cannot possibly take care of them. So what is conclusion? Marry when you are capable.
Also, I dont know of any families that are willing to give up their 17 year old girl to an 18 year old boy who doesnt have anything figured out for his future yet. She can be pious but since when did religion start to mess with common sense? What girl will want to enter a marriage knowing she will be fully dependent on her FIL for everything as her husband is not capable yet?
When the bills start piling up...things get ugly. Money does not make a marriage...but it can definitely break a marriage.
Maybe Im looking at it differently but I honestly dont think its that bad of an idea. Okay he cannot support his wife at age 18 but that doesnt' mean he shouldn't get married--iff and only if he is willing to get an education which will get him a job where he can make a decent living. No woman, however pious and religious, wants to live in poverty and if he thinks that's what a pious girl will settle for...he is badly mistaken.
Until then, as long as both sets of parents are willing to help out I dont' see why its such a bad idea and it shouldn't work.
However, a more worrying issue is him becoming so closed off and strict..there's nothing wrong with embracing religion but it looks like he traded one group of people with a strict set of rules (troublemakers) with another...hes only 18, and most ppl these days are still figuring out where they stand in the world, what they have to offer and finding their true "selves." Ask any 25 year old to compare themselves to their 18 year old selves and im sure most will say tey were totaly different.
he may be physically ready but not mentally/emotionally matured yet you know?
True.. dono saath saath baray hon ge … He can get married if you ask him to lay down a plan on how he will be supporting his wife in the initial years and he will need to tell this to his future in-laws as they will want the security of their daughter…
If he has a feasible and reasonable plan in mind, you can start looking for the girls and families who ware willing to accept your brother as he is after knowing how he plans to support his wife in the initial years…
Make him understand that he should be able to support a wife before being married, that includes providing shelter, food and clothing among other things.
^ This.
And until he can do that, dating Palmela and her five sisters it is. Unless he thinks that is haraam, in which case he ought to start giving dars to little boys and start molesting them - which, for some reason, is not haraam for a lot of muslim and christian mullas.
The only way he can get married at 18 is if the future partner also hold his views. A lot of people are like that. However, he needs to reassure you and the other potential in laws that he will be supporting himself and his wife after completing his education. Getting married is fine at whatever age, but being dependent on anyone isn't, and as an Islamic scholar he should be very well aware of that last point.
he may be physically ready but not mentally/emotionally matured yet you know?
^Exactly.
Why does he want to get married so early? Have you asked him? There's more than just the fulifilling of one's physical desires in a halal way...to consider. What about the other responsibilities of a marriage? Such as being financially able to support your spouse/family etc.Try to get him to see the issue from multiple angles. I've seen people go through various phases during adolesence....and often times you're still trying to learn about yourself and figure out who you are and that in itself can be stressful enough...without taking the responsibility of another person.
In a way I do admire his stance in that he wants to avoid sinning. We all had (and still have :D) desires but we manage because we don't exactly live sin free lives. There are other forms of zina which we are guilty of and we don't take them seriously. For a person who is now avoiding all forms of worldly entertainment it must be pretty hard to manage those desires.
And until he can do that, dating Palmela and her five sisters it is. Unless he thinks that is haraam, in which case he ought to start giving dars to little boys and start molesting them - which, for some reason, is not haraam for a lot of muslim and christian mullas.
Please consider that you're talking about my little brother here, and that is digusting. I don't get why we feel the need to attack aalims/moulanas/mullah's. That's not the basis of my question.
As for everyone else, how does this sound: If he got nikkah done now (sort of like a halaal girlfriend??) and they don't get rukhsati done until he is older and done his studies. Does this sound okay to do for him? Can this situation back-fire on us??
No, that sounds like an ideal compromise, provided you can find a willing bride from a like minded family. If anything, us Muslims should try and get married earlier than the old times given the rise of fitna in our time, instead we're bent on worldly achievements like financial stability and education. Yes finances are important but if your family can support your brother while he gets his education then there's nothing wrong with him getting married early.
^ in theory if both sets of parents are willing to support their children it could work. But I think you still need to make your brother realise that marrying just for sex is not the best reason. He needs to make sure that he's willing to accept the responsibility of a wife, which includes more than just financial support. He needs to be able to understand and support her emotional needs as well. He also needs to be aware of the possibility of having a child, I mean of course they can use birth control but one never knows, the only 100% method is abstinence, so although it may be a small risk it still needs to be considered because it is a huge responsibility. As long as he is willing to understand and think through these things, and can find a family and girl who feel the same way, there's no reason it can't work.
If he realizes this is the best option to avoid sinning then you should support him on this. Nikkah is not a bad idea either but if your parents can support him meanwhile, they can do rukhsati, live with you guys and continue their education as well. I don't really support the idea of prolonged nikkahs because our society as a whole isn't really accustomed to it the way Arabs are. Desis still liken it to something like an engagement and if they go out a lot/spend time together, people tend to start gossiping and issues arise. So maybe a nikkah of 1-2 years until he is in college and you guys know he's headed towards a more stable financial path then do the rukhsati. That way he is in a 'halal' relationship and has incentive to work harder on his future so he can get married sooner.
But if the guy is religious he is aware that Nikkah is marriage and rukhsati means nothing. I'm sure he will want to have sex with his wife after nikkah.
… He can get married if you ask him to lay down a plan on how he will be supporting his wife in the initial years and he will need to tell this to his future in-laws as they will want the security of their daughter…