So let’s say you have a brilliant daughter who has great potential in becoming a scientist, let’s say, would you let her invest her time and your money in education or would you rather save that money for her marriage and get her married off as soon as possible?
Or would you get her married with the understanding that her husband will support her in her goals. Maybe you would still pay, or the husband will…but that’s not an issue.
Or would you discourage her and just lead her towards a simple career which isn’t very demanding of her time.
The reason I ask is that a close family friend’s daughter just received a full tuition scholarship to Canada for an exciting master’s program leading to a PhD. The parents would have to pay for her other expenses or she could work her way in the University. The problem is that the parents are being criticized by their relatives and friends back home for sending her out for higher studies instead of getting her married. I was discussing this with that girl’s family and decided to ask all of your opinions here.
**First of all, the key to success is education if a parent wants his/her child be independant and not live on the mercy of her husband.
secondly, marriage should not and must not be hurried just for the sake of marrying her off so the parents have one less responsibilty to fulfill. with education will help the daughter to climb the economic ladder and that will bring in better match for her. so its established that a daughter's education can NOT be compromised.
i've been in canada for over a decade and i work for the university. its a news to me that soem1 is offered just the tuition and not the living expenses. a foreign student is not allowed to work on or off campus. i wud strongly recommend that the parents must send their daughter for higher education. i understand what others have to say that she is single and going to a western country alone is a taboo. but, hey! u ahve to come out of the box. here, the girls are safer and more at home than back home. vahaN to laRke akeli laRki ko jeene nahiiN dete...yahaN its a norm :)**** in canada, we have a strong muslim communities almost everywhere, alHamdolillah.**
keeping her at home or “marrying her off” when she’s obviously so brilliant is a complete waste, imho. (plus the whole “keeping” her bit bothers me- she’s not a piece of china to be displayed in a glass cabinet, nor is she just meant to be someone’s wife and not her own person, when she can do both when the time is right for her.)
and more importantly, what about what** she** wants? clearly she applied for the program because she wants to do it. thats a good enough reason for something as accomplished as higher education.
sorry if this sounds harsh, but her parents need to be stronger and stand up to criticism from paindu people who would rather keep women barefoot and pregnant than give them an equal opportunity to shine- lets face it, if she was a boy, the parents would only be applauded for their luck.
the whole marry your daughters off before they become too educated/independent only comes from people who are afraid of messing up the rules in a mostly patriarchal society like those in south asia. God forbid she speak her mind, is intelligent and equal to her husband intellectually, and actually participates in her marriage instead of being a passive “yes woman” to her husband and in-laws.
i know girls who have their Masters, girls who are doctors and lawyers, and girls who are aiming for their ph D’s and not a single one of them is unhappy with their choices in life, and who aren’t either happily married already, or looking forward to it someday. when you can have the best of both worlds, why must society insist you choose just one??
her parents should be proud of her accomplishments and her smarts thus far- they should feel like they’re 12 feet tall instead of stressing over other people’s opinions.
Mr Usmani, I was also surprised to hear about just the tuition part. Perhaps it's a private scholarship and not through the university. I am not sure about that.
And just to clear things up, the family concerned is in India and they are hindus. Not that it makes much of a difference because the cultures are essentially the same.
If she met someone good she would like to marry, I would encourage her to at least complete a significant amount of the degree before marriage, and go into marriage with a clear understanding with her husband about whether or not she wants to complete the degree and whether or not she wants to work.
People will always criticize when others invest in their daughters in away that is anything but material and superficial (you can go to the salon 10 times in a week and spend as much as you want, but 10 sessions of a class -- no way!). Obviously not everyone thinks like this; and you just have to learn to ignore the people who do. We know they're wrong. They've chosen their path, you choose your own.
ideally speaking, when making decisions for our children we must think of times 20-30 years in future, because that is when their practical life will be at its peak...that will be the time when your decision made today will come into action. So investing in their future by giving them what they need to survive 20-30 years from today is the best decision you will ever make for your children, of course regardless of their gender...even today there are more womenfolk in the work force than men...imagine how much women will be contributing 20-30 years from now.
you cant put a price on an educated woman, but you can on a wedding...
education will have a long term-return, along with a status in the society, independence, she will be respected, and most importantly she will be prepared to face any challenge, IA, while making everyone proud!
^^I agree with Chanda and SGC completely. My parents too were criticized for sending me abroad to study (not about the higher studies part, but more about how I am a girl and I will be alone in a foreign country etc etc), but they still sent me and I will never forget that one year experience. IMO, I learned the most in one year than in the rest living at home. Not only does one gain an education abroad, but they learn to be independent, strong, and mature. Going abroad is a beautiful experience; you meet ppl from all walks of life, learn about new cultures, make the best friends of your life.
and about marriage--when its in one's naseeb it happens....usually when you least expect it.
if she was my daughter, I would happily send her for such opportunity, I will not care about people worrying about marriage, there still be time left for her for this later.
the only people stopping and saying this cause then she possibly will not be a match for their sons after she finishes this.
it all depends what this girl want from her life and parents wishes at the end. they should not listen to others in this regards.
There is never any shortage of good rishtay.......it's just a matter of finding them.
Scholarship opportunities do not come around that often.
She has the aptitude and the desire....let her study.....who knows, maybe she is destined to find a cure for cancer? Can we afford NOT to let her explore this possibility?
It depends. I know a Ph.D in optics, who got married and stayed home for 2 years after her child was born. Now she is working as a substitute teacher at my mom's work...so she basically spent her entire 20s on her education and now she is doing a job an associate degree person can do. An extreme story but I would tell the girl to go for the degree but ask her how she plans to fit marriage and kids into the picture. Maybe she can get married while doing her degree?
